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Here’s a half-dozen of Willie’s favorite jokes for his 84th birthday

Dave Thomas
Willie Nelson tapes a piece in the Pedernales Recording Studio for the US premiere of the Irish music series Other Voices on October 3, 2016.

Willie Nelson loves jokes. Last year for his 83rd birthday, we shared seven of his favorites from his 2002 book “The Facts of Life and Other Dirty Jokes.” This year, we’re going to share some more, including some from his 2012 follow-up “Roll Me Up and Smoke Me When I Die.”

Here are six mostly clean jokes from the books. If you are offended by any of ‘em, you shoulda seen the ones we left out.

Willie loves dirty jokes ...

It was Christmastime and the lady answered the door. It was the postman. She said, “come in, I have something for you.” She took him to the bedroom and screwed his brains out, then fixed him a nice big breakfast of biscuits, gravy, ham and eggs. Then she walked him to the door, gave him a dollar, and said “Merry Christmas.” 

The postman said “Lady, what just happened?” She said, “I asked my husband what to give you for Christmas, and he said ‘screw him, give him a dollar.’ Breakfast was my idea.”

Willie loves drunk jokes ...

A drunk went into the bar and asked another drunk what time it was. The first drunk looked at his watch and said, “It’s thirteen o’clock.” The second drunk said, “My God, let’s get out of here, it’s later than it’s ever been!”

Willie loves doctor jokes ...

A guy went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctors said, “Well, first of all, sir, you’ll have to stop masturbating.” The guy said “Why?” The doctor said, “So I can examine you!”

Willie loves farm jokes ...

This lady was driving through the country and saw a man making love to a sheep out behind the barn. She drove into town and reported the incident to the police. At the trial, the judge said, “OK, lady. Exactly what did you see?”

The lady said, “Your honor, I saw a man making love to a sheep. You’re not going to believe this part. When they were through, the sheep curled up next to the guy, put its head on the guy’s shoulder and just went to sleep.”

One guy on the jury leaned over to another juror and whispered, “Yeah, they’ll do that.”

Willie loves golf jokes …

There were a bunch of policemen standing around a woman’s body out in the center of the fairway at the country club. A lone golfer was standing with his driver in his hand. The policeman asked what happened. “Well, officer,” the guy said, “I didn’t see her. I swear! I hit a shot right down the middle and it hit her in the head. I really did not see her.”

One officer said, “Well, sir, that explains the ball to the head. But what about the other we found in her rectum?”

The guy said, “Oh, yes. That was my mulligan.”

Willie loves blonde jokes …

I like the one about the blonde twins. One was on one side of the room, and one was on the other. One blonde said “Come over here” to her twin, who replied, “Hell, I am already over there.”