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Extreme things that didn’t happen at the X Games

Dale Roe
The Flaming Lips’ lead singer Wayne Coyne is shown here performing with the band at SXSW in 2013. The group also played last weekend at the inaugural Austin X Games. But wouldn’t it have been more extreme if band members’ lips had literally been on fire?

Ever since it was announced that the X Games would be staged in Austin, I’ve been thinking about “Extreme Pets!”

That’s the name of a bit we used to do onstage in my sketch comedy days. In the sketch, written by my friend Eric Schwartz, a pair of actors dressed as skateboard punks would run out onto the stage and address the audience in wildly energetic shouts, as if they were jacked up on Mountain Dew:

Mo: You’re 28 years old! You feel trapped by a high tech desk job! But you’ve got the money to feel free!

Ben: You snowboard! You skydive, rock climb, bungee jump and roller blade!

Mo: You drink gallons of gourmet coffee and pop ginseng tablets like they’re Pez!

Ben: You suck on mints that are strong enough to kill a good-sized monkey!

Mo: You live fast and hard!

Ben: You are extreme!

Both: Extreme!!!

Mo: But there’s a void in your adrenaline-riddled life …

Ben: You need a pet! An …

Both: Extreme pet!

The pair went on to describe the inventory of exotic animals at their extreme pet store, including “goldfish specially bred to live in bong water!” and “lovebirds that engage in tantric sex!”

Whew — I think I just used up the Statesman’s entire allotment of exclamation marks for the month of June! (Nope, I had one more.)

I think the X Games, which took place over the weekend at Circuit of the Americas, are a little too extreme for me. After all, I have a boring, domestic pet — a dachshund/Lab mix named Apollo (I suppose the event that led to the creation of this mix might have been extreme, but I really don’t like to think about that).

The traffic alone on the route to the Circuit of the Americas would have been too extreme for me.

So, I didn’t attend.

Still, my mind’s eye is prone to go to extreme lengths in search of self-entertainment, so here are the five most extreme things I imagine happened at X Games Austin:

5. Line jumping was accomplished by a 50-yard dash and a launch from a trampoline.

4. Members of the band Flaming Lips actually performed with their lips on fire.

3. The end of night parking lot dash? Super extreme.

2. Musical headliner Kanye West is extremely rich.

1. In a surprise move, the Battle of the Bands was fought with martial arts weaponry.