Trust us: New ABC comedy isn't suitable for children
"Antiques Road Show" 7 p.m., PBS: El Paso assessments include an Alamo fighter's will, a canteen from the Revolutionary War and, if it's the weekend I was there, an empty Shiner bottle and a several pints of Blue Bell ice cream.
"Smash" 9 p.m., NBC: A celebrity joins the show but is stuck in Cuba. Who knew Castro could sing and dance?
"The Biggest Loser" 7 p.m., NBC: The contestants travel to the White House, where Michelle Obama gives them fitness advice. They didn't go to the Capitol Building because of, you know, the rotunda.
"Body of Proof" 9 p.m., ABC: Season 2 concludes with a negative blast from Megan's past.
"Modern Family" 8 p.m., ABC: Claire's never-ending City Council run ends, proving the adjective I used at the beginning of this sentence to be premature and ill-considered.
"Don't Trust the B---- in Apt. 23" 8:30 p.m., ABC: OK, it's not good "clean" fun (one character gets intimate with her roommate's boyfriend on the roommate's birthday cake) but it is really funny, especially "Dawson's Creek's" James Van Der Beek playing what I hope is an exaggeration of his real self.
"The Office" 8 p.m., NBC: It's another party for the Dunder Mifflin Sabre staffers and — you know, when this show starts being more fun than my real office again, I'll tune back in. Call me a party pooper.
"Undercover Boss" 7 p.m., CBS: The CEO of a company that makes blinds goes incognito. I'll bet it's curtains for somebody.
"ACM Presents: Lionel Richie and Friends — In Concert" 8 p.m., CBS: Lady Antebellum and others perform Richie's hits while the singer duets with others.
"Fringe" 8 p.m., Fox: It's Walter's turn to visit the alternate universe — which, you know, isn't bad for a guy who had trouble even leaving his lab a few weeks ago.
"Titanic" 7 p.m., ABC: The miniseries is back! And, blissfully, it's only 2-D. Buckle in for three hours tonight and a couple more tomorrow.
"Harry's Law" 7 p.m., NBC: Pray to whichever God you worship that tonight's episode, titled "The Contest," doesn't follow the same plot as the identically named, classic "Seinfeld" episode.