'Bachelor' no more: Show ends tonight with Brad picking a girl (we think)
Will it be Chantal or Emily?
When Austin's Brad Womack returned to "The Bachelor" this season, he vowed he would pick someone this time — unlike his notorious first stint on the show. Tonight, he reveals his choice.
I've recapped every moment of the season — the good, the bad and the weepy. Here are some choice excerpts to help you get ready for tonight's finale. Read the full recaps at austin360.com/tvblog.
Jackie, an artist from New York who "likes to sing," looks a lot like a grown-up Rachel Berry from "Glee" and is just as annoying. During their first meeting, she made Brad "pinky swear" that he wouldn't break her heart (they must have edited out the segment where she made him insist that he would let her have the solo in the upcoming show choir regional competition). Later, she improvised the world's worst song. That wasn't as bad as Sarah P., who approached Womack and forced him to drop to his knees and repeat after her, "Will you marry me?"
A post-date pool party finds Brad giving out another rose. He slogs through the water, shirtless, and offers it to Melissa, who I think actually filled the pool using her "boo-hoo it's my birthday" tears in order to impress him. Again, well played.
Brad's next solo date is with Jackie, the dead ringer for "Glee's" Rachel in about a dozen years. He carts her to a fancy hotel in Beverly Hills. I don't think Rachel — I mean, Jackie — has a lot of experience with fancy hotels, because she calls the bellhops "guards." Brad and Jackie strip into robes and smear mud on their faces. Then they wash it off, I guess, and head to the Hollywood Bowl for dinner, but Jackie is hoping it's the "Rose" Bowl.
Brad can't wait to tell his temporary California therapist about his date with Emily and how well it went. Dr. Temp agrees that Brad seems to be growing and tells him that the more comfortable he makes the women, the more they will reveal about themselves. Really? You're going to bill ABC $250 for that?
I am beginning to think ABC stands for "Always Be Crazy."
For starters, psycho Michelle wakes up with a black eye, and she doesn't know how she got it. Frankly, I wouldn't have been surprised to find out that another girl took a pop at her while she slept, but I have a hunch this bruise was self-inflicted. I could easily see Michelle stuffing a sock full of jealousy, hatred and self-loathing and repeatedly smacking her face with it, all the while chanting, "This will make him love me!"
The two-on-one date finds Ashleys H. and S. vying for the single rose by competing to appear with Brad in a Cirque du Soleil show, except it's more like Cirque du So-lame because instead of something cool and new-agey, it's tacky and Elvis-based. Hey — at least Criss Angel's not in it (and that's just as well, because there's already too much mind-freaking taking place on this show).
At the cocktail party, Emily apologizes to Brad for something — being wonderful and normal, I guess. Her honesty gives Brad the courage to pull Michelle aside and tell her that she's smothering and scaring him. He doesn't say exactly what has scared him the most, but I'm guessing it was either almost being pushed off a cliff or having her suddenly appear in a puff of smoke in his locked bachelor pad.
I think Michelle is in shock but, whatever — she's speechless for once, and that's all that really matters. She is silent as Brad walks her to the limo and puts her inside. She is wordless as the limo drives off. She stares silently into the camera and then flops down on the back seat and stares intently and noiselessly into the camera. I'm going to say she's in the fetal position even though she's lying flat because, well, I just picture her stretching out in the womb, too, because she instinctively knew it would cause discomfort to her human host. Anyway, yeah. The one time you want to see her freak out, she keeps her composure.
Next Brad heads off to Shawntel's hometown, Chico, Calif. Actually, he heads straight to her place of business, which happens to be a funeral home. She tells Brad she wants to be cremated (but not right now, I guess) and she shows him the vault where their ashes will sit, side by side, when they eventually kick off, probably in some rappelling mishap or another. She takes him into the embalming room and makes him lie down on the cold, metal table while the camera man scans the creepy tools of her trade. Brad asks how many stiffs have been on that table and, in my dreams, Shawntel asks, "Including you?" Because, seriously — I never thought Brad could be more lifeless, but the dude is like a chameleon and really blends seamlessly into his surroundings.
Chantal says that the safari is a metaphor for their relationship, and I am kind of impressed that she knows what a metaphor is and used the term correctly. I also think that a safari is a good metaphor for Brad and Chantal's relationship: Both give the illusion of unpredictability and wildness in a natural setting, but it's just an illusion created by behind-the-scenes players in a hyper-controlled environment.
"The Bachelor's" rejects, almost none of whom I remembered (or recognized — what happened to Ashley H.?) returned to discuss their experiences on the show and hash out their feuds, but mostly to tear into this season's villain with relish. Can spiders shed crocodile tears? Because Michelle had the waterworks cranked up to a degree that could put the rest of this week's ABC shows under a watering ban.
Brad himself fared better on the hot seat. (Side note: Can any seat next to Harrison's accurately be described as hot? Perhaps we should call it the "hot-by-comparison seat.") He defended the spider Michelle, and now I'm thinking it would have been funny if when he sent her home he'd have coaxed her into a giant water glass or coffee mug — or grabbed her with a gigantic piece of wadded-up tissue — and run through the house, terrified, holding her at arm's length and releasing her tumbling onto the lawn instead of just walking her to a limousine. Hey, it's more humane than flushing her down the toilet.
‘The Bachelor' season finale
7 p.m. today