Well, that was not quite how anyone, anywhere wanted the episode to end, but here we are.
We got some truth-telling, some temper flares and some hot couples who are torn apart almost instantly. And, oh, yeah, Cersei starts putting some numbers on the board in the season’s first battle.
Melisandre vs. Dany. The lady in red, older than dirt yet lookin’ fine, comes to Dragonstone because -- like a groupie moving from once-famous band to soon-to-be-famous -- she tries her best to pick a winner. She even busts out a prophesy: You need to meet Jon Snow (which fits with the whole “Song of Ice and Fire” thing) and bring order to the land. (We also learn that some nouns in High Valerian are not gendered, which is dope.)
Samwell Tarly vs. Jorah. While his jerk of a father negotiates with the Lannisters at King’s Landing, Sam is trying to cure Jorah Mormont’s grey scale. Which results in Sam going all “bite on this leather thing” to Jorah as he SCRAPES THAT STUFF OFF. Which is followed by…
Grey scale vs. meat pie. The editing felt self-aware in the last episode, which continued with a savage cut from Sam removing the grey scale from Jorah to some dude’s food in a pub. It reminded me of one of the best edits of all time, the cut in “A Christmas Story” from Randy pulling down his pants and sitting on the toilet to the mom pulling the lid off of that night’s strew pot. Hilarious and gnarly.
We ridin 'round with guns the size of Lil Bow Wow
Giant dragon skull vs massive crossbow thing. Cersei heads to the King’s Landing basement with her worm of a maester to test an anti-dragon weapon on the skull of an ancient dragon, WHICH IS HUGE.
Dany vs. her allies. Dany rallies her troops but then gets some advice from a wise old lady. “I’ve known a great many clever men. I’ve outlived them all. You know why? I ignored them. You’re a dragon. Be a dragon” -- Lady Olenna Tyrell, who knows from loss and being true to yourself.
Grey Worm vs. Missandei. Dany’s two seconds got it on. They are a fantastic couple, so they are probably doomed.
Arya vs. very slow moving news. The little assassin who could finds out Jon Snow is alive and running Winterfell. And we get to see Hot Pie! Now I am hungry for a meat pie of some sort.
Jon Snow vs. Littlefinger. The latter comes down to the crypt just to hang out like the crass jerkhole he is and manages to irritate Snow to almost put him through a wall. In fairness, Snow should thank Littlefinger for the help at the Battle of the Bastards, but Jon also knows a creep when he sees one.
Jon Snow vs. his bannermen. Snow gets a raven from Dany essentially saying, “Come to Dragonstone and let’s talk about beating the Lannisters.” Nobody thinks this is a good idea, what with Tyrion Lannister being in the room with Dany and Ned Stark dying at the Lannisters’ hands. But Snow does it anyway, and takes Davos with him (which seems very both-Kirk-and-Spock-beam-down-to-the-planet), leaving Sansa in charge (and a hacked off Littlefinger hanging around).
Arya vs Nymeria. The little assassin who could runs into her dire wolf Nymeria, who cold looks her in the eye and walks away with her crew. When your beloved dog rejects you, winter is HERE.
There's queens in the living room gettin' it on and they ain't leavin' til six in the morn--ah, crap, Euron’s here
Yara vs. Ellaria Sand. Oh, man. You could hear men and women across the land yelling “WHOO HOO” when Ellaria started making out with Yara. Yara busts out an amazing “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful” look at Theon. But....
Yara vs. Euron vs. Theon. Euron shows up, sacks Yara’s fleet (which means the Dornish and Tyrell soldiers are still stuck in their home kingdoms), kills two of the Sand Snakes, kidnaps our new fun couple (presumably to deliver them to Cersei) AND THEON RUNS AWAY. Somewhere the Unsullied are mumbling, “Dude, you are making eunuchs look terrible, son.”
So, yeah, not the most enjoyable ending ever.