First of all, full disclosure: I watched this week's episode late because Memorial Day, so this recap is a little late. SORRY, FRIENDS. The good news is, the show's nonsense continues regardless of which day you watch it.
Also, I messed up and I thought "Tickle Monster" guy went home last week, but he didn't. Forgive me. He's still here, in all his tickle monster glory, on the first group date of the season. So is Blake E., who is still talking more about Lucas "Whaboom" than he's talking about our leading lady. This should be interesting.
Monday night's episode had two group dates and a one-on-one in store, so let's get down to business and figure out what Dallas Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay is up to now.
Group Date No. 1
After a nice little backyard barbecue, Rachel escorted the guys on the first group date to a field day-esque setup, where Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis were waiting and there was a giant banner that said "husband material." What? Ashton Kutcher is wearing a shirt that says "Trophy Husband" and Mila Kunis claims that after they found out Rachel was the Bachelorette, they called the show's producers to ask if they could be on the show. Yeah, sure.
Anyway, it's an obstacle course featuring diaper changing, wearing a baby Bjorn, vacuuming, cleaning some drains, setting a dinner table and bringing Rachel flowers. Whaboom stiff-arms Kenny in the final stretch and somehow wins this ridiculous challenge, then football spikes his baby doll and somehow gets the "husband award." There is no way this dude is for real.
Oh, but guys, Blake E. is PISSED. He reveals to the guys that he knows Lucas from a "previous encounter" and that Lucas isn't ~here for the right reasons~ in a revelation that shocks the world. Apparently, Blake E.'s roommate is Lucas' ex-girlfriend.
Honestly, this was way more interesting when Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher were here. Bring them back, please. Save this show.
Rachel says she's basically bored with these guys. Same, girl. She likes Dean, though. I maintain that he’s a f***boy. She also hits it off with Kenny the wrestler, who has no time for Blake and Whaboom’s nonsense and gets super real about being ready to get married. Unsurprisingly, the group date rose goes to Dean.
Peter gets a one-on-one date, and Rachel BRINGS HER DOG ON THE DATE and I’m squealing in my apartment, y’all. He has a tiny little cast on his leg and his name is Copper and I love him.
This date is absolutely what was necessary to turn this boring episode around, because Rachel flies Peter to Palm Springs, where “Barkfest” is happening—it’s a dog pool party.
Later, Peter and Rachel bond over their shared adorable gap teeth and going to therapy and I’m swooning. I could see Peter winning this thing, for sure.
Group Date No. 2
The date card said “Swish” and no, that’s not a Katy Perry reference (thank goodness)—it’s basketball! And Kareem Abdul-Jabbar shows up and he has to duck to get through the doorway. Now 70, the basketball legend plays coach for the guys and tells them, after a few rounds of drills, they’ll be playing a game in front of a full gym. Demario is a little cocky, but he’s actually one of the best ones in the game, and Rachel is impressed.
Then at the buzzer, s*** hits the fan. Rachel is walking around greeting fans after the game, and she’s confronted by a woman named Lexi who says she was watching TV last week and saw her boyfriend of seven months on the show (obviously this is a lie, because all of this is pre-shot, but OK). How excited were the producers when they found out Demario had a girlfriend?! Lots of dogs and adultery = television gold for this franchise.
Rachel puts on a poker face and grabs Demario out of the locker room, and the look on his face when he sees Lexi is truly amazing. He looks excited, there’s a bit of recognition there, and then there’s the “holy crap.” And he shakes his head and says, “Who’s this?” Demario asks to talk to Rachel away from the cameras—no, dude, do you not realize this is a TV show? Demario proceeds to tell Rachel some nonsense, and Rachel’s not buying it. Then Lexi shows Rachel some text messages that prove Demario is a liar, and Rachel kicks him off the show. Actually, she tells him to “get the f*** out.” YES, GIRL. I take back everything good I said about Demario last week. Boy, bye.
The guys get all dolled up, and my personal favorite, Josiah, gets the group date rose, even though Rachel promises every guy in the room they’ll be getting a rose that week.
And so we go into our second rose ceremony. Except, wait—cliffhanger—Demario shows back up at the mansion and wants the last rose. Guess we’ll have to wait and see what goes down.