“Hallelujah. Holy (expletive). Where’s the Tylenol?”
As foul-mouthed holiday rants go, a couple of Chevy Chase’s — as family man Clark Griswold in “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” — are up there.
Oh, they’re not as intentionally offensive as Steve Martin’s rental car counter tirade in “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” (he drops the f-bomb 18 times, if you’re counting). Nor are they as endearing as Peter Billingsley’s “Only I didn’t say fudge” from “A Christmas Story.” And let’s not even mention Jimmy Stewart’s filthy diatribe in the uncensored version of “It’s A Wonderful Life.”
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Like Santa’s sleigh, “Christmas Vacation” flies under the radar. It’s nowhere near as popular as those other holiday mainstays, but that’s OK — with its unvarnished look at the impossibly high expectations and nonstop pressure of the holidays, it works best as a cult classic, anyway. Much like Clark, it’s a perpetual underdog.
If you’re a fan of the film, take this 20-question quiz to see just how closely you’ve watched. And if you’ve never seen it, get your “cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, (expletive)less, hopeless, heartless, fat-(expletive), bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey (expletive)” self to the big box store bargain bin.
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The sanitized ABC Family version’s just not as much fun.
1. What Christmas carol are Clark and Ellen singing at the beginning of the film, as they head to the woods to cut down a tree?
2. Which sports team’s cap does Clark wear at various points throughout the film?
3. What integral item does Clark forget to bring on the tree-hunting expedition, after trudging out into the middle of nowhere?
4. What does Clark plan to do with his Christmas bonus?
5. What product that Clark is working on earns him praise from his boss, Frank Shirley, even though Shirley can’t remember Clark’s name?
6. What classic holiday movie is Clark’s son Rusty watching on television as the arguing in-laws arrive?
7. Which future sitcom star plays Rusty in this Vacation film?
8. Name one of the other three actors who have portrayed Rusty in the Vacation series.
9. What causes an icicle to rocket through hipster neighbors Todd and Margot’s window?
10. Which national clothing chain is currently parodying the film in its television commercials, using some original cast members?
11. How many “imported, Italian twinkle lights” does Clark claim he stapled to the house?
12. To whom or what does Clark dedicate the house before attempting to plug in the lights?
13. In one of the film’s more sentimental scenes, Clark gets locked in the attic while the rest of the family goes shopping. Why does he go up there in the first place?
14. What does Clark do to amuse himself while he’s stuck in the attic?
15. What does Clark receive instead of money for a Christmas bonus?
16. What is Cousin Eddie’s (Randy Quaid) initial comment on the bonus replacement?
17. From what kind of mugs do Clark and Eddie sip eggnog, hailing back to a previous entry in the Vacation franchise?
18. Clark coats the bottom of his sled with a super-slick, experimental substance on which his company is working, causing him to blast off down a hill, crash through various structures and slide across a busy street. Where does he find himself when the sled finally stops?
19. What’s wrapped inside the first present that senile Aunt Bethany brings?
20. What does Bethany recite when the others ask her to say grace at the dinner table?
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1. Oh, Come, All Ye Faithful
2. The Chicago Bears
3. A saw
4. Put a swimming pool in his back yard and fly his relatives in to christen it
5. A non-nutritive cereal varnish to prevent flakes from becoming soggy
6. “It’s A Wonderful Life”
7. “Roseanne” and “The Big Bang Theory” cast member Johnny Galecki.
8. Anthony Michael Hall, “Vacation”; Jason Lively, “European Vacation”; Ethan Embry, “Vegas Vacation”
9. Clark almost falls off his roof and the icicle flies out of the gutter from which he’s hanging when it detaches.
10. Old Navy
11. 250 strands with 100 bulbs each, for a total of 25,000
12. The Griswold family Christmas
13. To hide Christmas presents
14. He watches home movies of his childhood Christmases
15. A one-year membership to the Jelly of the Month club
16. “That’s the gift that keeps on giving, Clark.”
17. Morty Moose mugs from Wally World, the theme park his family visited in “National Lampoon’s Vacation”
18. A Walmart parking lot
19. A live (for the time being) cat
20. The Pledge of Allegiance