I finally did it. I just went ahead and bought an assault weapon. Wait! Hold your fire, what I mean is I bought a salt weapon. For killing flies.

And I don’t know about your house, but spring means fly season at my house. I mean, full-on Amityville Horror flies in my house. It’s disgusting.

Between the dog and the cats and the kids, my house is bad enough. When the flies come it is the filthiest place on earth. 

A haunted house? Not yet. But fifty years from now, some fat little clairvoyant will stand alongside a traumatized family in my living room, saying "Pain! I sense pain! And suffering! Terrible things happened here!"

So I bought a gun.

And it’s hilarious.

The Bug-A-Salt gun (which runs about $40 to $50) loads up with regular table salt and with a pump and a flick of the safety, fires it shotgun-style at your target. And it works. I mean, really works, as in, I’m actually happy to see a fly so I can shoot it dead.