"Two and a Half Men" 8 p.m., CBS: The gang takes a break from lowbrow sex jokes … so they can concentrate on lowbrow drug jokes.
"Smash" 9 p.m., NBC: Hey, kids - let's put on a show! A Broadway show! About Marilyn Monroe! Katharine McPhee and Debra Messing headline the stellar cast of tonight's series premiere episode. Steven Spielberg executive produces.
"NCIS" 7 p.m., CBS: In the show's 200th episode, Gibbs gets all reflective. The business end of a loaded gun'll do that to you.
"The River" 8 p.m., ABC: Bruce Greenwood stars in this supernatural yarn about a nature show TV host gone missing in the Amazon and the frequently terrifying expedition to find him. Spielberg's behind this two-hour series premiere, too, along with "Paranormal Activity's" Oren Peli.
"American Idol" 7 p.m., Fox: Is this season moving faster than the last? It's already Hollywood week.
"Person to Person" 7 p.m., CBS: This revival of the Edward R. Murrow series features intimate home interviews with celebrities and newsmakers.
"Revenge" 9 p.m., ABC: William Devane lands in the Hamptons as Conrad's father.
"The Big Bang Theory" 7 p.m., CBS: Sheldon stay-cations in Amy's neurobiology lab, which is kind of like the time I took a secret nap in the press room. Shh.
"Overheard With Evan Smith" 7 p.m., PBS: Evan chats with author Russell Banks.
"Shark Tank" 7 p.m., ABC: One of the inventors in tonight's show pitches a cake mix for dogs. Wonder how much funding that'll fetch?
"The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret" 9:30 p.m., IFC: Todd's on trial, his character witnesses are hostile and only Alice can save him in what star David Cross claims is the series finale.
"Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown/A Charlie Brown Valentine" 7 p.m., ABC: Everyone's favorite blockhead waits by the mailbox and pines for the little red-haired girl in this Peanuts twin spin.
"Saturday Night Live" 10:30 p.m., NBC: "The New Girl" (Zooey Deschanel) quirkily, adorably and (hopefully) ably hosts.
"Grammy Awards" 7 p.m., CBS: LL Cool J hosts; Adele and Taylor Swift perform with others during the 54th annual celebration of popular music.
"The Simpsons" 7 p.m., Fox: "Mythbusters" Adam and Jamie encourage Bart. As if Bart needs encouragement to blow up and otherwise destroy things.
"The Walking Dead" 8 p.m., AMC: Rick tries to keep the survivors together in the second season's second-half opener.