On the Saturday of South by Southwest a few years ago, I figured I'd take my 6-year-old son on the afternoon rounds. I hadn't seen him in a week and I thought, you know, he might be somewhat intrigued with how his Austin had been transformed into the world's biggest blowout. (Plus, his mom told me that if I didn't give her a break for a few hours she was going to go nuts.)

The first stop was Yard Dog, which after four days of hardcore sweating and swilling smelled like a Dumpster with a stage. The welcoming committee was a pack of winos, two of whom seemed in competition to see how much of the side of a wall they could cover with recycled beer. The area around the stage was so jampacked that the music was muffled and distorted beyond appreciation.

My kid was suitably horrified by all this, and we left in a matter of minutes. "When you decided to become a music critic," he said, "did you know about South by Southwest?"

And now I have a question for you who plan to schlep offspring the next four days: When you and your signif-O decided to have a child, did you forget about South by Southwest?

SXSW is for kids like NASCAR is for golden retrievers. Children hate the fest like roofers do July; there's no way around it. The music's too loud and aggressive, the crowds too packed and hyper for these little people who don't drink, scarf free food like wolverines or have tattoos, and therefore are as out of place as Bill O'Reilly at a sensitivity seminar.

Today's kids don't want Japan Nite; they want "Yu-Gi-Oh!." Forget migas for breakfast; they prefer Toaster Strudel. And they're not charmed by the jerkin', fruggin' Beatle Bob — they're frightened and annoyed (that apple didn't fall far from the tree).

It's possible to keep your charges entertained for minutes at a time by playing games such as "Peek-a-Boo, I see Robyn Hitchcock" or by counting the scowling wristband wearers in line outside the sold out Guided By Voices "surprise" reunion at Emo's Thursday night. You can play Opposite Day ("I hope the Rezillos play a new song — it's Opposite Day!") to help pass the time. The trade show will hold their interest for about 10 minutes (the apple didn't fall far ...), but this is not a festival of minutes; it's one of hours and days and nights.

Listen, I know you thought you could make it work, this bringing of the children. Perhaps, in lieu of 24-hour Chuck E. Cheeses, there wasn't a choice. Doesn't matter; you would be about to enter Hades, my homies, except that Uncle Corky is here to help. I've been there and I know the way out.

First, keep this number on you at all times — 280-5108. That's for Grandparents Unlimited, which will send a golden gal to your hotel to baby-sit your kid for $12 an hour plus $6 transportation fee and parking expenses. Owner Jackie Boggan hires a retired FBI man to do background checks on her sitters, though after a couple days of hauling around a cranky tyke you'd leave him with the Manson family for a little break. Other nanny/ granny services in the phone book include Nannies From the Heart (302-1998) and Austin's Capital Grannies (345-4577).

'Daddy, is that guy dead or asleep?'

There are several SXSW shows and parties that are more kid-friendly than others. With a relatively weak lineup for Town Lake Stage at Auditorium Shores (Thursday's headliners, the Gourds, are playing a set in a front yard at 3802 Sycamore Drive earlier in the day), you should have plenty of room for your child to explore the park. Ian Hunter plays the Shores on Friday at 7:30 p.m., following his protégé Alejandro Escovedo. The Neville Brothers headline Saturday's daylong affair, which includes a 2 p.m. appearance by local kiddie icon Joe McDermott, who's played for more people in diapers than Lawrence Welk.

A grand thing about sponsoring a child through life is seeing old familiar places through innocent eyes. Ten years ago you were tripping on mushrooms and lighting your underwear on fire to watch it soar off the hotel balcony. This year, you're all about Little Bunny Foo Foo pickin' up the field mice and bomping 'em on the head. A must stop, then, is the Austin Children's Museum (201 Colorado St.), which currently has a "Baby Dinos" exhibit that allows children not lucky enough to get into the Billy Idol meet-and-greet the chance to see and touch wonderfully preserved fossils.

The key to keeping the Child Protective Services at bay during SXSW is to put a little open space between your partying. Slow and easy does it, so I've devised several strolls where you can hear great live music, do a little quality time pedestrian action and get away from the crush of downtown. Friday afternoon could be spent walking between Waterloo Records, where the Blind Boys Of Alabama will have an in-store show at 1 p.m. and Cheapo's three blocks north on Lamar Boulevard, where the charming Nipponese Chipmunks, Petty Booka, plays at 3 p.m.

Another good compromise Friday is heading up to the University of Texas area to catch up-and-coming Donny Hathaway fans John Legend and Amos Lee on the Starbuck's stage on 24th Street. Too crowded? Pop on over to the back parking lot of Cream Vintage (2532 Guadalupe St.), where the kids might get a kick out of Chicago glam rocker Bobby Conn at 4 p.m. and Awesome Cool Dudes at 5 p.m. The party continues next door at the Hole In the Wall, which has great lineups every day. Just a few blocks north, at 2908 Fruth St. is the Spider House coffee shop, where the up-and-coming local outfit the Murdocks are playing at 5 p.m. Friday.

Or you could go in a completely different direction Friday. Pok-E-Jo's West Fifth Street location is a roomy, balmy spot for the Merge/ Barsuk party, which kicks off with Aqueduct at 1 p.m. and ends with M Ward at 5:30 p.m.

'Would you stop sniffing me? That smell's not coming from my diaper'

Start off Saturday, ye of child-wearing hips, over on South Congress Avenue, where hundreds of people hourly will risk their lives crossing between Jo's Coffee, which has a parking lot party, and the Continental Club, where Mojo Nixon is serving up pancakes and lunacy. Then, at 2 p.m., head over to Stubb's, where a 60-piece group called daKAH makes Polyphonic Spree look like a duet. The symphony, making its live debut outside California, covers rap and R&B in a way that suggests Leonard Bernstein ending his concerts with "peace out."

Leave yourself enough time to make the Pop Culture Press party outside the Dog & Duck Pub (406 W. 17th St.) on Saturday from noon to 6 p.m. The parent-heavy lineup includes Ron Flynt with Dwight Twilley, taking us back to Tulsa, along with Susan Cowsill, Steve Wynn, Amy Rigby, Mary Lou Lord and others. (Note: This promises a Beatle Bob sighting, as the modster started his solo dancing career at a Twilley concert more than 20 years ago.) When the kid gets bored, go for a stroll a few blocks away to Tekgnar Skateshop (305 W. Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd.), where Same Day Service, Toru Okada and others play PS2 punk.

OK, those are the best parties to bring kids to. The worst? Emo's day shows. Don't even think about it. Any day at Yard Dog will also be a parental blunder, especially the Schuba's party Thursday, with Nada Surf, Robbers On High Street, Dogs Die In Hot Cars, Lou Barlow and more. Tell your kids that nobody goes to Yard Dog anymore — it's too crowded, and see if they get it. And unless you want little Bingo Brown to ask, "Daddy, why are my ears bleeding?" you'll stay blocks away from the screeching raunch of Those Peabodys, Gris-Gris and more at Sound On Sound (106 E. North Loop Blvd.) Thursday evening.

You might think the legendary CSE after-hours party Thursday night, featuring Queens of the Stone Age, Fatboy Slim and the Bravery at the old airport would be out of the question, but if your kid's an early riser, you might be able catch the tail end Friday morning.