SPOILERS: Seven new nicknames from ‘Game of Thrones’ s7 e3: ‘The Queen’s Justice’

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SPOILERS: Seven new nicknames from ‘Game of Thrones’ s7 e3: ‘The Queen’s Justice’

Another evening of the Westeros Wing, wherein people with great power stand around talking about it (and occasionally torture each other until one of them gets turned on — I’m pretty sure Pres. Bartlet never did that, but I wouldn’t put it past, say, Josh Lyman). 

Let’s celebrate children not repeating the mistakes of their parents and pour one out for the Olenna Tyrell, the most goth grandma ever, and see who gets a new nickname.

You're all I need to get by

Jon “George Romero” Snow. The long-awaited meeting of Ice and Fire gets off to a rough start as Snow rolls into Dragonstone, essentially sponsored by Tyrion’s good word, ranting about the army of the dead and trying to get Dany to help out, who looks at him like he’s nuts. 

His knee won’t bend, but he gives good brood, and he and Dany eventually agree that he can mine the dragonglass under Dragonstone, thanks to….

Tyrion “Patty Stanger” Lannister. He’s a tremendous yenta, what with bringing Ice and Fire together (I refuse to credit the Melisandra for any of this — she can’t even bring herself to look Davos in the eye). 

But he’s not much of a wartime consiglieri. He’s zero for two as a strategist: Euron destroyed Yara’s fleet, then Euron destroyed the Unsullied’s fleet as they took Casterly Rock, a place that apparently doesn’t matter all that much. 

You know who is a much better general?

Jaime “Bobby Fischer” Lannister. We finally get to see ol’ Goldenhand as the general we keep being told he is, outfoxing his brother by sacking Tyrell’s stronghold while Tyrion sends the Unsullied to Casterly Rock. He even gets to spend time with...

Your daughter's tied up in a Westerosi basement

Cersei “Keyser Söze” Lannister. 

“They realized that to be in power, you didn't need guns or money or even numbers. You just needed the will to do what the other guy wouldn't.” — Verbal Kint talking about Keyser Soze in “The Usual Suspects”

This pops into one’s head when watching Cersei in this episode, who truly is her son’s mother — she doesn’t just have Joffery’s hair, she has his flare for mixing sex and sadism, jumping Jaime’s bones after condemning the last Snake to a long brutal death. Even in her moment of vulnerability, when she asks why Ellaria took her daughter, it is impossible to feel sympathy. 

Euron “Bitchin’ Camaro” Greyjoy. The kind of guy who rides into the Iron Throne Room on a horse, delivers Ellaria and the last living Sand Snake to Cersei, yet still can’t close the deal with the Mad Queen, what with her making him wait until the war is won. He does find time to mock Jaime, asking him for advice about what Cersei likes in bed. Euron’s a jerk, but he’s OUR jerk.

Sam “Florence Nightingale” Tarley reveals himself is a both a great nurse and champion networker. He manages to save Jorah’s life, making a powerful ally whom Dany trusts. Which means he has allies on both the Ice and Fire sides and would make an ideal maester for a united Snow/Targaryen reign. 

First off, [expletive] your [girl] and the clique you claim, Tyrell when we ride, come equipped with game

And finally, a toast to Olenna “Black Widow” Tyrell. Her home is sacked, she knows she’s going to die and yet she spends her last minutes talking an incredible amount of trash to Jaime, reminding him his father is dead, that Joffery was a [WE CAN’T PRINT THAT WORD EVEN ONLINE] and, oh yeah, btw, speaking of your eldest son: "Tell Cersei, I want her to know it was me." 

So gangster.

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