If I were a Looney Tunes character, my body would have melted into a puddle, poured onto the sticky movie theater floor and spilled down the aisle as my spirit, a white-robed angel playing a golden harp, floated up to the multiplex ceiling.

But I'm not a cartoon, so I could only react to what was on screen in a human way: With pain, resignation and boredom.

"Looney Tunes" is a terrible film, the kind of awful project that sullies the name of everyone associated with it. And that's a shame because in this live action/cartoon hybrid, actors Jenna Elfman and Brendan Fraser (as a studio exec and a stuntman, respectively, from the Warner Bros. lot) are affable and goofy enough to deserve their own, more entertaining film.

Surprisingly, it's the toons who ruin "Tunes." Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny are the stars of the show, but that's not fair to say because these aren't the Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny characters you probably grew up with and loved. These are cheap facsimiles — unfunny, annoying construction-paper versions of Bugs and Daffy, witlessly scripted and voiced, devoid of any personality or charm.

The nonsensical, random, inspired-by-bad-videogames maze of a story involves a blue diamond that can turn humans into monkeys and a secret agent/actor played by an aged Timothy Dalton. The story begins on a Hollywood set and bolts noisily through Las Vegas, the desert between the gambling mecca and Los Angeles, the Louvre in Paris and what's supposed to pass for Africa as the characters search for the diamond.

The Looney Tunes cartoons have been around for almost 70 years, but it's not hyperbole to say this is the nadir. Even the last big-screen Tunes go-round, "Space Jam," little more than an advertisement for basketball shoes and Michael Jordan, had a coherent story and decent laughs.

"Back in Action" is appallingly unfunny. Nearly every joke in the film falls flat. Every regular line of dialogue requires a cartoon joke in response, and it never works. The human actors play second fiddle to the animated characters, but it's never really clear who's supposed to be bringing the humor. It turns out it all got left at the drawing board. The bits lack freshness (a shot-for-shot "Psycho" shower scene homage? Really? In 2003?) and the one-liners are a mountain of kernels beyond corny.

Steve Martin plays the head of the Acme Corporation (the same company that makes all those gonzo products for Wile E. Coyote), and it is the worst performance of Martin's film career. Dressed like Pee-Wee Herman, affecting a strange, garbled accent and curving his body into a human parenthesis, Martin is abysmal in this perplexing, embarrassing performance. Nobody doubts the actor/comedian/writer's talents. But not a single one of them is displayed here.

Toward the end of the film, Daffy, Bugs and Elmer Fudd chase each other through paintings in the Louvre. Elmer's shotgun sends Seurat's dots flying in an all-too-brief moment of comedic inspiration. It's the only scene of its kind in the entire 90 minutes.

The entire production would have been better as a seven-minute all-animated short comprised of the museum scenes. The film lacks the style and wit of a much better film, "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" which you can catch on DVD.

Don't see "Looney Tunes: Back in Action."

I almost died so you wouldn't have to.