Welcome to another season of the beautiful disaster known as the “Bachelor” franchise.
This “Bachelorette” season’s star, Dallas native and University of Texas graduate Rachel Lindsay, met her 31 suitors Monday night in an episode that was filled with — you guessed it — drama.
Let me just start by saying that Rachel is a badass boss lady. She’s a lawyer, she’s beautiful and she’s Texan, and it’s become clear that she’s not here for anybody’s nonsense (as seen when she was a contestant on Nick Viall’s season of “The Bachelor” and was the only one skeptical about her ability to fall in love with a total stranger in a matter of weeks). So basically, she seems like a normal, cool, intelligent woman who deserves to find love. Which means, of course, she’s out of all of these dudes’ league.
But despite that, a handful of Rachel’s 31 suitors (there are so many of them, y’all) show promise.
First, let’s check in with the four Texans on this season:
- Adam, a 27-year-old real estate agent from Dallas, shows up with a creepy doll version of himself that he keeps calling “Adam Jr.” That’s really all you need to know. He somehow gets a rose (but Adam Jr. doesn’t).
- Fred, a 27-year-old executive assistant from Dallas, shows up with a yearbook to show Rachel his third-grade photo — and uh, also her eighth-grade class photo. These two apparently grew up together, and Rachel was his camp counselor. WHAT?! Rachel mentions several times that he was a “very bad kid.” I need deets, please. He gets a rose. Guys, it would be a cute story if she ended up with Fred.
- Rob, a sweet bespectacled 30-year-old law student from Houston, is sent home and my heart breaks. (Also, is it a coincidence that the three Texans that stay on the show are from Dallas, and Rachel’s from Dallas? Methinks not.)
- Then there’s Jack Stone, a 32-year-old lawyer from Dallas (thank goodness so many of these dudes actually have real jobs this season) who’s also allegedly a UT grad. He’s only one on the show who goes by two names and is also maybe a serial killer. He has a sad back story (his mother died after battling cancer) but that doesn’t change the fact that his teeth look like that episode of “Friends” when Ross gets so nervous about his date he over-whitens his teeth. He gets a rose anyway.
First impressions and frontrunners
Of the 31 guys, I can maybe only remember about half their names (because, hello, there are 31 of them). Here’s who was memorable.
We need to talk about “Whaboom” guy. His name is Lucas, and he just lists his job as “Whaboom.” I ... don’t even know where to start with this dude. He can’t stop yelling “Whaboom” and he shows up with a megaphone, yelling out of the limo at Rachel. We don’t know what he does for a living, he’s wearing a tank with a cartoon version of his face and the word “Whaboom” on it and it’s pretty obvious he’s not “there for the right reasons.” Blake E., who can’t stop talking about sex and shows up to meet Rachel with a full-on marching band, takes issue with this. Blake E. spends more time complaining about Lucas’ motives than he does talking to Rachel. For a dude so obsessed with his junk, he takes himself pretty seriously. They both get roses, because whatever is happening between Blake E. and Lucas is too beautiful to say goodbye to (read: ratings goldmine). At one point Blake E. says, “Lucas is like the guy at the family reunion who pinches your nipples” and I just really don’t want to know what that means.
Josiah is a prosecuting attorney with the saddest back story of anybody to ever be on this show. His brother committed suicide when he was very young, and Josiah found his body. Josiah fell into a life of crime, and he was arrested when he was 12 years old. It was then he decided he wanted to be a lawyer, and he works in the same unit that helped him when he was arrested. He set a record for the earliest I’ve ever cried on a season of this dumb show, and I probably would have been OK with him proposing to Rachel after 30 seconds of knowing her, and the two of them could run away together and be adorable, powerful, smart lawyers together. He refers to himself in the third person a little too much for my liking, but we can look past it. We like Josiah.
Josiah is the first person to pull the old “Can I steal you for a second?” with Rachel, and the other guys do not like it. Kenny, a wrestler with an adorable daughter, says, “He’s walking off with my girl. I don’t play that.” Kenny, you seem sweet and somehow miraculously extremely normal, but are you new here? This is how the show works, bro.
There’s always a contestant who gets out of the limo and woos the lead by speaking another language. Bryan, who’s Colombian, is that guy this season. The best part is that Rachel actually understands what he’s saying in Spanish, and even though it’s cheesy, she totally falls for him. He gets the first impression rose after grabbing her and kissing her.
Brady brings a block of ice and hits it with a sledgehammer, saying he needed to “break the ice.” Next. Lee shows up with a guitar. He can’t sing. Next. Jamey really wants you to know that his suit cost $2,000. Next. Matt shows up in a penguin costume, which is weirdly endearing (I’m sorry.)
Diggy is adorable and has 575 pairs of sneakers and really excellent glasses. He also gives us the best reaction GIF in recent memory.
Dean is one of the guys who met Rachel at the “After The Final Rose” live taping, when he told her he’s “ready to go black and never go back.” He seems like he regrets saying that, but she reassures him that she thought it was funny and liked his confidence. Later, he tries to get her to build a sandcastle and tells the camera, “She’s absolutely out of my league.” Yeah, dude. Dean was the type of guy that I would have gone on a few dates with when I was single and I would have liked him way more than I should even though all my friends kept telling me he’s a f***boy.
Demario asks Rachel if she prefers N*Sync or the Backstreet Boys, to which Rachel gives the correct answer, which is always, always N*Sync. Demario likes this answer. They met previously as well, and they hit it off. We like Demario, I think.
At some point, Rachel dons an epic fur coat which I am absolutely living for. She tells the camera, “It’s hard for me to say I met my husband tonight.” Which is, let’s remember, totally normal.
Who went home
- Blake K., a 29-year-old former Marine from California who seems very nice, albeit a little boring.
- Milton, a 31-year-old hotel recreation supervisor from Florida. Two reasons why I’m sad about this: It seems like Milton has a fun job, and when he’s sent home he gets so upset that he can’t wear all of the really great outfits he bought for the show.
- Mohit, a California project manager who is also a Bollywood dancer. He gets so drunk he can’t even talk to Rachel. There’s always one.
- Jedidiah, a 35-year-old ER physician from Georgia, who quotes a Bible verse about weeping which is maybe not what a girl wants to hear on a first date.
- Grant, 29, an emergency medicine physician from New York who I think shows up with an ambulance? They’re starting to run together by this point.
- Michael, a 26-year-old former professional basketball player, who presents Rachel with a brownie and says, “the blacker the brownie, the sweeter the dude.” *Shrug*
- Jonathan, 31, who lists his job as “tickle monster” so of course he went home. He tickles Rachel within 30 seconds of meeting her, so hopefully he’s learned that maybe you shouldn’t touch a total stranger that way.
- Kyle, 26, a marketing consultant from California, who is totally forgettable (I don’t even remember seeing him on the show, to be honest).
- And of course, there’s poor, sweet, cute Rob, the Houston law student. Goodbye, friend.
Check back next week to hopefully see what the hell “Whaboom” actually means and maybe figure out why Adam showed up with that weird creepy doll version of himself.
I’ll leave you with this friendly reminder:
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