No, this isn’t some wild story from back in St. Olaf. There’s a “Golden Girls”-themed edition of the classic board game Clue hitting store shelves in June.
Bea Arthur really does answer prayers.
For those who love a good mystery (*raises hand*) but also prefer cutting barbs from geriatric gals-about-town to murder by blunt-force trauma (*raises hand high enough to dislocate shoulder*), Clue: The Golden Girls will take players on a journey to “solve the crime of WHO ate the last piece cheesecake, WHAT they left at the scene of the crime, and WHICH room they did it in.”
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That plot summary answered my first and most outrage-sparking question, which was “Why is there not a cheesecake playing piece in this Blanche-forsaken game?” You’ll have to settle for hairspray, bathrobe, purse, lipstick,a deck chair and slipper. (RIP cheesecake.)
The gang is all here, of course. You can play as Blanche, Rose, Dorothy, Sophia or one of two mystery men. Entertainment Weekly guesses that the silhouetted gents are Dorothy’s ex, Stan (UGH, STAN) and Rose’s paramour, Miles. To be honest, we would have swapped the shrouded men for Miss Scarlet and Mrs. White from the original Clue, except we would go with the Lesley Ann Warren and Madeline Kahn versions from the 1985 “Clue” film.
Of course, the Miami Gang of Four did not have a conservatory in their condo, so you’ll have to restrict yourself to potential crime scenes like each of the gals’ bedrooms, the bathroom, the lanai, the garage and the kitchen. (THE CHEESECAKE WAS OBVIOUSLY EATEN IN THE KITCHEN. Have you even watched the show?)
The game goes for $39.95, which is severely underpriced, in my opinion. Entertainment Weekly also reported that a “Golden Girls”-themed Monopoly board is coming later this summer, which is technically good news, until you remember that Monopoly is an hours-long slog through garbage and that untethered greed is no game, comrade.
Now, if we can get a version of Jumanji set at Shady Pines, then we’ll be cooking.
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