-- Geographically Challenged

DEAR CHALLENGED: Focus less on finding your kind of women and more on finding cool people who share your interests. It's a little self-centered to think you're the only New Yorker in Tampa, dear. Surf the Web, read the newspaper and look for events you like and will put you at ease around strangers. There must be a sports bar in Tampa that shows Yankees games. If you are shy -- unlikely for a New Yorker -- start slow by hanging with co-workers. Watch, learn and remember that you are the fish out of water. Folks take things a little slower down in Florida.

DEAR GODIVA: I've been married for almost 17 years, and for the past nine years my husband has been talking on the local singles hotline. I think this phone service is just a way for a bunch of married people to have intercourse via the phone. He really feels that he isn't cheating since he doesn't have physical contact with these girls. I've told him over and over how it makes me feel, but he just can't seem to stop. Can people really have an addiction like this? Is there any hope that this can be fixed, or should I finally get it through my head that this is his choice and give it up?

-- Waiting by the Phone

DEAR WAITING: People can have an addiction to phone sex. But after nine years of this nonsense, it's pretty doubtful that your husband can change without counseling. Should you get it through your head that it's his choice and give up? Sounds like you did that 8 1/2 years ago. Godiva hesitates to think of what other issues you've turned a blind eye to over the course of this 17-year marriage. Perhaps you should phone a friend yourself or put that phone cord to good use the next time he makes a call.

DEAR GODIVA: I'm a lonely 30-year-old gay African-American who wants an interracial relationship. At times, I feel hopeless to the point of tears, but I don't shed any. It seems that no one takes romance, bonding and love seriously anymore. It seems that almost everyone wants to do a lot of clubbing or "partying and playing." I rarely go clubbing and never "party and play." Is there truly anyone out there who believes that love is worth sunrises and sunsets, romantic dinners, holding hands in the park and looking deep into each other's eyes? Who knows that saying "I love you" means something? I have a preference for gay white, Latino or even mixed-race men, but that doesn't mean I'd keep the brothas out of the loop. Any advice on how to find a good, attractive, romantic, tender man?

-- Lonely and a Little Desperate

DEAR LONELY: Those who go searching for love rarely find it. Especially when they have a mile-long wish list for Mr. Right. Slow your roll. Leave that ivory tower and get to know some real people. It's time to stop daydreaming about the gay white, Latino or mixed-race man who rides up on a white horse to carry you away. Find some hobbies and pursue them. Perhaps you could start your own support group.

However, a few weeks ago, I heard through the grapevine that he was engaged. I called him up immediately. At first, he denied it. Then, he later admitted it. I have experienced every emotion possible, and I am still not over this. I thought we had something really special. How could someone who professes to love me hurt me so badly?

-- Hurting

DEAR HURTING: We'd live in a much better world if everyone followed the Golden Rule. Since that's not the case, try spending time with good friends and staying positive. That should help you move from hurting to healing. "Waiting to Exhale" and "The Sweetest Thing" are a couple of girl power movies that can help jump-start the attitude change. It also would help to remember flaws in the relationship; it's time to learn the lesson and move on. After all, you must have seen some red flags or you wouldn't have stopped speaking to him. Bottom line: He's moved on with his life, and he doesn't deserve another minute of yours!

DEAR GODIVA: I am happy to report that "D" and I are engaged! I flew out to visit him for a weekend in San Francisco, and we had a nice romantic dinner. Although I brought up the subject of marriage, it was "D" who asked me if I would like to be his wife. It wasn't the most romantic proposal, but we're engaged and have set a date. I agree with your advice that men do look at marriage differently than women. I also have learned from other wives that the romantic proposals that you read about in the magazines do not happen that frequently. "D" is/was definitely worth waiting for, and I'm glad that I was patient (sort of) and did not resort to any ultimatums. Thanks for the advice!

-- Patiently Waiting

DEAR PATIENTLY: The wait is over, and now the really hard part begins! Best wishes to you and "D."

DEAR GODIVA: I have been in a very happy relationship for the past two years. Everything is great but one thing: He wants to stay friends with his ex, who is married now. She and her husband recently moved back into town, and I am having a hard time with the situation. She has never done anything to me. She is always nice when I am around. I trust my boyfriend completely. So why do I have such an issue with this? Just to hear her name makes me want to hit something. Some people say I need to tell him how I feel and ask that he end the relationship. But I don't feel this is fair on my part. Why does she make me so angry, and what can I do about the situation?

-- Happy Till I Hear Her Name!

DEAR HAPPY: Unless you're a jealous, insecure person who's completely overreacting, you have two options: Grin through clenched teeth and bear it or level with your boyfriend while encouraging him to move on. After all, they broke up for a reason, right? All that chumminess can get a little weird. It's also a stretch to socialize with someone who dated your man. Suggest outings with new friends. If you can't deal with -- or he can't handle -- your discomfort, it may be time to find a guy who can pull the plug on his past. But if there is a child involved, you'll simply have to keep smiling, dear. The child's needs come first.

Now, all of our friends are starting to ask when are we getting engaged. He usually just smiles politely. I will wait forever, but, honestly, I'm getting sick of discussing "our perfect wedding" without the ring. No point in planning if it won't be soon. Should I tell him to please stop bringing it up until we're engaged? I would love to be engaged, but if we're not, I don't feel I should be getting my hopes up in planning a wedding that won't happen soon. Help!

-- Forever, But Please Shut up Until Then!

DEAR FOREVER: "C" has plenty of reasons to smile. He spends quality time with you and your son but says goodnight from the comforts of a very separate home. It's like getting all the flavor but none of the calories of a committed relationship. Unless he's using the time to improve his financial situation -- saving money for a ring or new home or improving his job situation -- the delays are simply stall tactics. Ask for a firm timetable. Once you've heard his answers, you can decide if patience is truly the virtue you want. Forever is a long time!

DEAR GODIVA: My new boyfriend and I have been dating for about two months. We get along great and have a great time together (especially the sex!), but our views differ wildly on what I consider the core topics. He's Roman Catholic, I'm agnostic. He's a Reagan-loving Republican, I'm a liberal Democrat. He wants monogamy, kids, the white picket fence, but I think that's an unrealistic hetero script that we shouldn't be trapped into following. And he's also still in the closet, while I'm out and proud. I just don't understand him or how he can believe some of the things he believes since he's obviously had to grow up gay in a world where the very things he's in favor of are not in favor of him. Is there any future for us, or should we quit before this gets too serious?

-- Irreconcilable Differences?

DEAR IRRECONCILABLE: My, oh my, opposites do attract! However, it would take the patience of Mother Theresa to bridge the continental divide you describe. And having a "great time together" better mean that your toes are crossed and you can't see straight for the next two days after seeing him. Otherwise, Godiva has two words for you, dear: DUMP HIM.

DEAR GODIVA: My friends "J" and "S" just broke up. She had family problems, and he didn't listen to her the way she thought he should. According to him, EVERYTHING in her life is a big deal. After lots of not listening, she'd blow up and say mean things to him. She felt unloved, he felt abused. It was the same kind of argument over and over again. But now they're considering reconciliation. I think he is insensitive, but she is sometimes overdramatic. Anyway, do you think they should try to get back together?

-- Left Wondering

DEAR WONDERING: You spent way too many brain cells on someone else's problem. Unless they're your roommates, it's best to let the happy couple work out their issues -- alone. Regardless of what they decide, keep the encounters short and sweet. And don't take sides, because they'll probably be arguing again soon.

We pray together, we went to college together, we can read each other. I tell him any and every thing. I feel as if he could be the guy for me. But I don't want to disturb his relationship. This may sound crazy, but I actually like his girlfriend. I just want to make sure that I am not confusing the love I have for him for pure friendship. But if they ever did break up, I probably would pursue my feelings. Am I just thinking too hard because I am single and do want somebody in my life?

-- Confused Friend

DEAR CONFUSED "FRIEND": If this great guy, who supports you, listens to you and prays with you, actually wanted to be with you, he would have made a move a long time ago. Be a real friend, Princess. Leave this guy alone and find someone who's willing to commit his whole heart to you.

DEAR GODIVA: I have been with my husband for 13 years. We dated for six years and have been married for seven years. My problem is that I don't feel like I love my husband like he loves me. Sometimes I feel like I settled for him. There is a guy at work I have been interested in for 15 years. He is finally starting to notice me. This co-worker and I went to school together and worked together previously. He keeps leaving my life and coming back every few years. I feel that is fate, and when I look at him, I feel like he is my soulmate. I am so confused. My husband is a good man who loves me very much and has said that he can't live without me. My co-worker, on the other hand . . . I smile when I hear his name or think of him. I have been a nervous wreck around him since the first day I met him. Can you please help?

-- Confused Heart

DEAR CONFUSED: Let me get this straight. You've had the hots for this on-again, off-again friend for 15 years? Sounds like your husband is the one who's been shortchanged by your part-time investment in the marriage. Decide whether it's worth salvaging. If not, be honest with your husband before you move on to questionably greener pastures. And remember, the grass is always greener before you make a commitment.

He has been gone almost a month and has called me only twice. I want to talk to him so badly, but he says he cannot come back to Atlanta until the job is finished and he gets paid. He has not lied to me yet, and I have confirmed his story -- I redialed the last number he called from when he was out of town. His family also confirms his story.

What do you think of a man who does not call his woman while he is away working? Am I that unimportant that I don't even deserve a phone call to see how I'm doing? Or should I just chill and wait for my man to come back and see where this relationship will go? The reason for the insecurity is because the relationship is new.

-- In the Dark

DEAR IN THE DARK: A more appropriate title would be In Desperation. Take a chill pill and let the man do his job. I mean, all those lovely gifts he bears don't exactly grow on trees. If you really want to hear from him more often, ask him to call more. Otherwise, bide your time until he accomplishes his goals.

Respect the man for wanting his own place and working to make that happen. And, I've said this before, dear: Desperation can smell worse than knockoff perfume. Right now, your letter alone is fouling up the diva dome something fierce!

DEAR GODIVA: I am a 20-year-old female living such a great life. I recently met a man, "J." I met him two months ago on a telephone chat line. Two weeks later, we were in a relationship. As we got to know each other, I found out he has three kids by three different women, and I don't think he talks to two of the mothers. I didn't like that at first, but I'd waited so long just to say I have a boyfriend, I just left it alone.

Now we are two months into the relationship and he has begun telling me he wants me to have his child. Instead of me just flat out saying no, I hinted I don't want a child. Besides, he already has three kids he isn't raising, he has no job and he still lives with his mother. To top it off, he just turned 23.

We hooked up one day and had a heated moment of passion. It was unprotected, so I may be pregnant. He is very happy about it, but I'm not. I'm not ready to have a child, especially with a man who has his priorities mixed up.

If I don't have to deal with a pregnancy, I would love to leave him and search for a better man, but I fear being alone.

-- Young, Scared and Confused

DEAR YOUNG: You had me at "three kids by three different women." At that point, Godiva's phone number would have been changed and the chat line would be a distant memory. Since your desire to claim a boyfriend outweighed common sense, I suggest you start preparing for the consequences.

If you're pregnant, it's likely you'll be raising this child on your own. Get your finances straight and line up some good child care. If you're not pregnant, get some counseling to work through your fear of loneliness. Godiva has a feeling that solitude would sound a lot better than a screaming baby to you right now.

As for the guy, remember these words from Maya Angelou: If a person tries to show you who they are, let them. Your guy gave thousands of warning signals, so what made you think he'd treat you differently? Be better than he is by learning your lesson from this fiasco. Then make better decisions in the future.

DEAR GODIVA: I broke up with my first love approximately a year and a half ago. The problem is that I'm not over him, at all. I've known him for five years and we dated for three of them. We had a wonderful relationship because he was very loving and trusting, or so I thought. We broke up because he cheated on me and got another girl pregnant. I decided not to stand for it and broke up with him. But now I feel like I made a big mistake, and feel worse off thn before. I've been on dates but I have no desire for any other man but him. Also, I'm mad at myself for still caring. He tells me I can come back to him whenever I'm ready, but I just shrug it off. In reality, that is exactly what I would like to do. Am I crazy for thinking this way? How can I move on? Should I move on? -- Still Hurt For Too Long

DEAR HURT: You made the right choice and -- deep down -- we both know it. Try to stay away from the guy to build up a resistance. Remember all the damage he caused. His energy should be devoted to parenting classes, not waiting for you. In the meantime, take the Gloria Gaynor love hangover course: Listen to "I Will Survive" until you have memorized every single word (attitude included). Next time he sees you, smile and hum the lyrics, "I'm not that chained up little person still in love with you ... now I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me." Go on, now!

DEAR GODIVA: 'D' and I have been together for four years. We are both in our early 40s. I have never been married, whereas he has been divorced for four years (after 12 years of marriage). Neither of us has children and we maintain separate residences about 30 miles apart. After four years of dating, I am ready to move to the next step: marriage. We have had several discussions over the years and 'D' says he does not want to go through another divorce. But, Godiva, life does not come with guarantees, right? 'D' was unemployed for almost a year and did not want to get married until he found a job. He assured me that once he got a job, we would get married. After three happy months in his new job, he has not asked me to marry him -- yet. I love him so much! He is worth waiting for, but I'm tired of dating. I have never lived with a man and have no plans to, so moving in together without a marriage commitment is not an option. I've thought of proposing to him but I've waited 40 years and I want the man I love to propose to me! (Besides, his ex-wife proposed to him after one year of dating.) Godiva, I need your insight to help me figure out what's going in my guy's head. Do you think I'll every get a proposal? I tear up every time I think about why he hasn't asked me to marry him. -- Patiently Waiting

DEAR NOT-SO PATIENT: Godiva has a feeling that this man is comfortable with a relationship where you are apart but together. Take a moment to figure out why it doesn't work for you, then tell him your reasons. Ask for a firm timetable on marriage, if that's even in his plans. Remember: Just because you're ready for the next step doesn't mean he is. After all, there are no guarantees in life, right?

DEAR GODIVA: My question is about a mother-daughter relationship. I am 34-year-old woman with two children, ages 7 and 10. My mother and I currently live together. We decided to live together approximately five years ago. I am in a position where I can now buy a house and I no longer wish to live with my mother. I think it's time for me to live independently. The dilemma is I don't know how to tell her that I am ready to live alone. She has already stated that she feels like her children use her up and then "kick her to the curb." I want to be as careful as possible not to hurt her feelings. Now let me tell you briefly why I want to live alone: I feel funny bringing male company home. I also still feel like a child when she's around. She cooks, cleans and even washes my clothes, in spite of my protest that it's my responsibility. She's 64 and doesn't have social life, so my girls and I are all she has. I just feel smothered. I want to be domestic so that I will have some skills to keep a husband. But how can I do this when she does everything for me? -- Torn In Decatur

DEAR TORN: You're a grown woman, that's enough reason to seek independence. After all, isn't that what every mother wants for a child? It won't be easy, but you and your siblings should commend your mother for her loving support while explaining your need to be on your own. Ask her to help with the house hunt and reassure her -- in word and action -- that distance will not weaken the bond. Help her secure her own housing as well. Each step of the way, keep in mind that this experience is a window to your future. Handle it with care.

-- Beautiful and Alone in Atlanta

DEAR BEAUTIFUL: Since you didn't share the exact nature of his "financial problems," it's difficult for Godiva to advice precise action. But remember that few life traumas can deeply unsettle a man like money problems, since it counters so much of our society's definition of a man. Godiva recalls sadly the year-long struggle of a male friend to find a new job after being laid off and using his savings to get by before he finally found work and regained his self-esteem. So, dear, my advice is to continue to be patient and supportive for as long as you can. But don't sacrifice yourself. You might have to gently bow out, letting him know that he's welcome to call you again when he feels more able to give something to the relationship. Ultimately, it's up to him (and only him) to snap out of this funk, with or without regained financial confidence.

DEAR GODIVA: It's me, Ms. Undecided. I have about 45 days before my guy is supposed to move up here. We are still having the same conflict. (I don't want to move in with him. He feels as though I am rejecting him only because of my family's disapproval of cohabitating.) How can I explain to him it is not only because of my family, but in my heart, I have never wanted to "shack up." He also feels that I have to have everything my way and that I am very spoiled. Recently, he has hinted at marriage. I love him and will marry him, but I don't want him to marry me if he is not ready. We are both still young (I'm 23, and he's 24) and I don't want him to think he was pressured into anything. He grew up without a father around, so how do I tell him he needs to ask my father for my hand in marriage? It may seem a bit old-fashioned, but isn't it the right thing to do? Am I being unrealistic?-- Still Undecided

DEAR UNDECIDED: No dear, you aren't unrealistic, you are spineless. Last time you wrote in, Godiva suggested that you follow your gut feelings. Both letters reveal your reservations about "shacking up" -- yet he's on his way. You say you're both too young for marriage, yet you worry about him asking for your father's permission to marry you. It's as if you are secretly hoping someone will step in and act on your behalf. Well, Godiva administers advice not miracles. You've chosen your path. The results, and the consequences, are up to you.

-- Patiently waiting

DEAR WAITING: Ah, an attractive mate who fits into our lives just so, providing all the companionship and none of the drama. Sweetie, you can't even get that kind of fuss-free dedication from a dog. All high-end accessories come at some price. Until you accept that, you'll be stuck with the cheap knockoffs. You get what you pay for, dear.

DEAR GODIVA: My ex-girlfriend and I started dating almost five years ago next month. We met in college and fell deeply in love. Our relationship survived long distance and many, many problems before she moved to Atlanta and we started living together. Like many "live-in" couples, our relationship went bad and she moved out within two months. After that, there was a period of time in which we didn't talk and even filed a restraining order for obsessive late night calls! We have started talking, and now I am torn between meeting new people or trying to mend the old flame. There is a lot of resentment from her towards me and I am concerned that we may not be able to move past that. She resents my drinking, although she likes to hit the bottle almost as much as I do. Deep down, I feel as though she is the one and I could spend the rest of my life with ... Do I try and make it work or move on?

-- A fork in the road

DEAR FORK: Your relationship is dead, and when was the last time you saw someone return to pick up roadkill? Leave that girl alone and find some new friends.

-- Married to the Cheater

DEAR MARRIED: Well, dear, might I suggest that you start with a Google search of "self-help"? Unless you have your own extramarital activities keeping you busy, Godiva thinks it's time to suspend your Internet service, get tested for sexually transmitted diseases and find a new home from which to surf the Web.

DEAR GODIVA: My wife and I have been married 14 years, and they have all been good years. Although we have our individual differences, we are both in agreement on the important things in life [such as] the raising of our kids. The problem is she refuses to take care of herself. We're both 38, and [since we've married] I've quit smoking and drinking. I also exercise regularly and watch what I eat. She, on the other hand, has continued smoking and eating whatever she likes and tries occasionally to exercise, but it never lasts. The weight gain she has experienced has affected my desire to make love with her. Each time I've tried to encourage her or calmly discuss her weight gain, it always ends up the same: She either cries or gets mad and gives me the silent treatment. What can I do?

-- Fit and Fretting

DEAR FIT: She needs to know that you value her as a wife and mother and that bad habits can silently sap years from the relationship. Her anger and tears may be symptoms of feeling unable, rather than unwilling, to change. Godiva suggests that you initiate long after-dinner walks for the family. The two of you also could take a few romantic strolls around the neighborhood. Consult with a dietitian about ways to introduce healthy meals to your family diet. And remember, it took awhile for you to kick your bad habits. Reward your wife each time she makes a step in the right direction. Send those kids to day camp and try Godiva's diet plan: low-fat breakfast, lunch and dinner in bed. You'll be amazed at how quickly you can burn calories that way!

DEAR GODIVA: I'm really confused. I have been dating a woman 20 years my junior. She has three young children, and I have two. We have been together for 10 months. We moved in together six months ago, and it has not been easy. She is a compulsive liar and I feel used. The problem is that I love her so deeply. Even after she admitted to being a former stripper and becoming pregnant by another man -- it happened during the beginning of our relationship, and she had an abortion -- I have accepted and forgiven her. She is pushing marriage now, and I'm a bit apprehensive. I've told her that the only way I would consider marriage is if she would have a background check, credit check and possibly a polygraph. Am I being foolish? She thinks I am. Also, as you can imagine, my family thinks I'm nuts for even considering a long-term relationship.

-- Confused

DEAR CONFUSED: How interesting that you didn't include an IQ test among the list of requirements for your lying, cheating and impatient girlfriend. But then, you know what they say about throwing stones, right dear?

My sister has even called my husband at work to ask for little favors. (That I nipped in the bud very quickly.) Unfortunately, my family labels me a stingy and snooty "B" when I suggest that my sister start handling her finances better.

How can I help her see the light regarding her boyfriend? This behavior is not good for the kids. Now my younger brother is starting to be frivolous with his money. How should I handle my family's expectation for me to always be willing to share what I have?

Oh, and by the way, I'm not rich. I just know how to set a budget, keep my bills paid and save what I have left over.

-- The Responsible Sibling

DEAR RESPONSIBLE SIBLING: Godiva knows this role all too well. Darling, your sister, her deadbeat boyfriend, and your mother all rely on someone else to bail them out. They won't change until the circumstances change, and that will require some tough love. Decide what you are comfortable contributing to help your family, then sit down with them and lay down the law. But start with a spoonful of sugar. Let sis know that you are proud of her for handling the bills alone. Gently guide her to realizing that she is essentially handling the finances without significant help from her significant other. Offer to help her balance her checkbook, create a budget and straighten out her financial priorities. If your sister is unwilling to change, then she has chosen her path and you have chosen yours. You can be supportive without opening your wallet. Same goes for your mother. Cut the cord before you choke on it.

DEAR GODIVA: My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. He has said he would like to someday marry me. I have the desire to be his wife now. I feel as if all my work for the past few years has been in vain. When I revealed my feelings to him, his response was that he is not ready for the responsibility of a wife and family at this point in his life, but would like that later on. I have played with the idea of leaving him and being by myself for a while because it stresses me out to think that I want something now and he doesn't until later. What do I do?

-- Waiting for the ring

DEAR WAITING: Is it possible that your desire to be a wife outweighs your desire to be his wife? Godiva asks this only because you view your 3 1/2 years as "work" that may have been in vain. Stop chasing the ring and enjoy the journey. Otherwise, put in time at a different coal mine, because your man is not ready to produce a diamond anytime soon. Sorry, dear, but men have a keen sense of hearing when it comes to wedding bells, or a ticking biological clock.

DEAR GODIVA: I am 28. He's 29. We have been together for 13 years and have two children together. He works, sometimes up to 16 hours a day, while I'm a stay-at-home mom. It's great for my family . . . especially my children, but leaves few hours for me to communicate with my man. Quite often, he is understandably tired. I, too, am exhausted! But never too exhausted for sex. The sex is great . . . when there is time for it. Lately, it just seems so "scheduled." He was once a spontaneous guy and succumbed to the corporate clone routine. I can't stand it, but it doesn't seem to bother him at all.

Everything I do revolves around a schedule, day in and day out. The last thing I want is for sex to become just another chore or part of the routine. How can I break up the monotony? Or at least shake it up a bit? How can I get the spontaneous guy I once had? Remember, I have two kids . . . so answering the front door in a pink plastic wrap mini just isn't gonna happen.

-- Lookin' 4 Fun

DEAR LOOKING: At least your guy is working hard for the family, dear. With that said, let's work on the factor that plagues far too many busy couples today. Sit down with your man and discuss the need for more spontaneity. Drop your inhibitions and create a list of things you can do to add a little flavor to the soup. Then grab some of the kiddies' construction paper, crayons and a little creativity: It's time to make a coupon book. Work out a reasonable number of additional sessions per month and include some flavor from your list. Might Godiva suggest an evening at a hotel, early bedtime for the kids accompanied by a long bubble bath for you two? Create two coupon books (His and Hers versions) and allow him to redeem when he sees fit. You do the same. This should help add a few pleasant holidays to your schedule.

I dealt with him admitting that his best friend was a woman. One year into the relationship, she confessed that they were sleeping together. (I moved past that.)

Last year I told him to experience living on his own before settling down. (He was living between me and his mama!) He did, and I popped over only to catch him coming home at 2 a.m. with a co-worker. Things got ugly, but I eventually (and stupidly) begged him to give us another try.

Wait, that isn't it! He recently confessed to sleeping with another friend during our make-up period. Now she's pregnant. Still, I dealt with it.

Now he's back with his mom; no car, new baby and no goals! He's been e-mailing a married ex of his, and lately he's asked me to do sexual things that leave me curious as to his sexual preference.

Godiva, I'm writing you because I need a swift kick in the butt for dealing with this guy for so long and actually thinking of marrying him up until yesterday! Give me your advice on this situation.

-- All Cried Out

ALL CRIED OUT: How do I retrieve the lost minutes I wasted reading your letter? Sweetie, you are on a four-year train ride to hell and you keep buying new tickets. Stop wasting your skills on that lout and contact the armed forces. You possess several valuable tools that would help our beloved troops deal with emotional torture. Serve your country, girl!

DEAR GODIVA: I meet this wonderful guy through my job. We have been knowing each other now for 2 1/2 years. In our second year we became very, very intimate after just being friends. He's been divorced for one year after a two-year separation. (I've been divorced three years.) I don't think we moved too fast since we took our time in getting to know each other for all of the 2 1/2 years. Now he says that when he chooses to settle down, he'll choose between me and another woman he met. Spiritually, I feel he's the one, but my problem is: Who's he going to choose? Should I wait and see? I have decided to continue being his friend but open my choices to others.

-- Confused and Hopeful

Georgia Peach

PEACHY: How interesting that your spiritual soul mate can be intimate with you and still maintain another viable candidate. At least he was honest about it, dear. Godiva suggests that you head to your local farmers market this weekend and do a little picking of your own. You'll be amazed at all the wonderful varieties of peaches out there.

And remember, as you go through this, that your focus shouldn't be on him ("What will he do, choose, say, etc. . . .?") but on you: Are you getting what you want and need out of this?

DEAR GODIVA: After seven years, a person I considered to be my best friend and possible love interest is suddenly not. Although we went to high school together, we came from different family structures and hung out with different groups. We ignored that as we became friends. I secretly wanted to date her, but decided to bide my time until she would see that I was the one for her.

On more than one occasion she told me that she wished the guys she dated were more like me. Years passed and we kept in touch. I had a few relationships, but I always told myself that I would always have her.

During a recent visit, the girl that I loved unconditionally said we're too different to be close friends. She refuted the entire reason why I became friends with her. What should I do now? How should I pursue future relationships with girls? Am I just being too sensitive, emotional and, as some would say, unmanly?

-- Critically Confused

CONFUSED: Ouch. Godiva feels your pain. It can be difficult to hear that the person you view as "the one" has moved on. You've just gone through a difficult but ultimately valuable experience. Learn from it and move on. Perhaps this young lady taught you that love is possible with your complete opposite. Obviously, you've had other relationships. Perhaps the lesson is to let go of a lovely past and open yourself to a new experience. And be assured, you have no reason to think you're being too emotional or "unmanly." Please, dear: A real man is never afraid of his feelings. Best wishes.