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Recap: ‘The Bachelor’ week 8, Feb. 21
So, I struggled with this week’s recap, which is why it’s being posted two days late. Maybe I’m suffering “Bachelor” burnout, but it just didn’t seem like much happened in this episode — much that I could find any interesting way to write about, in any event. I did my best, but you’ve been warned.
It was so bad that I had to resort to artificial means of entertainment to make it through a re-watch: Every time Brad said either “This was the girl I liked the first time I met her” or “more than you know,” I ate a Girl Scout cookie (and, by the way, calling them “Thin Mints” is just flat-out deceptive). It’s the middle-aged homebody’s version of a drinking game. I gained about six pounds. Don’t judge.
In this week’s episode, Brad’s going on hometown dates with the four remaining contestants, but not before he tells us where he stands with each one. Chantal, he says, has taken him on an emotional roller coaster (and I’m assuming he could only get on it because there was a sign that said “you must be this dull to ride.”) Brad says that he and Ashley have hit some speed bumps. Maybe that’s because they’re moving way too fast. Shawntel, he claims, has never subjected him to drama, games or a roller coaster. Perhaps that’s why she’s the long shot. Finally, he claims that there’s something very real between him and Emily. There’s something between them, alright but, oh, Brad … ghosts aren’t real and Ricky Bobby is always in the room!
Brad says he’s so excited to meet the young women’s families and all I can think is, if you’re truly excited about something, do you have to keep saying how excited you are about it? Shouldn’t it just be kind of obvious?
Continue reading about Brad’s trips after the jump.
Brad first heads to Seattle to meet Chantal and I hope he stops at Starbucks because a.) the ones in Seattle are the best, and b.) a little caffeine couldn’t hurt this guy, right? Anyway, I like Chantal. She’s cute and she seems like a lot of fun. But here are two red flags: she lives four blocks from her parents and she owns cats (and I’m not talking about the original Broadway cast soundtrack). Chantal was afraid her dog, Boca (that’s Spanish for “mouth,” right?) would bite Brad, but Boca’s all “I don’t bite tools, I use ‘em to fix stuff.” Brad has made it clear that whoever he ends up with is going to have to move to Austin. Chantal asks Brad if he has ample closet space. He admits that he doesn’t and then, in one of my flights of fancy, promises her that he will clear one of them out for her and the dog to live in.
Later, Brad and Chantal travel the four blocks to Madame Tussaud’s — er, Chantal’s parents’ house (they don’t show it, but I’m sure they take a helicopter). There’s plenty of room in the Chantal Family Mansion, but not on mom Billie Joe’s face, which is a tight squeeze. I’m just saying, the woman probably has her own branded scalpel like Fender has a Stevie Ray Vaughan signature guitar model. While visiting the Mansion family, Brad bonds with Chantal’s dad, who owns a huge sculpture depicting a self-made man. And it’s depicting that concept by actually being a sculpture of a man chiseling himself out of bronze. Dad is literal. I think that might explain Billie Joe’s nips and tucks: She was probably doing bills or something one night and Chantal’s dad started bothering her and she said, “Honey, I’d like to get some work done” and he took her literally and called a plastic surgeon.
Anyway, the family loves Brad, so he decides to bolt on a high note and head to Maine to reunite with Ashley and meet her family. And eat french fries slathered with cheese and gravy. If I were Brad, I would be, like, “Umm, where’s the lobster? This is Maine, right? The couple heads off to meet the parents, but not before Brad responds to the waitress’ French query with a resolute “Si.” Knucklehead.
Dinner with Ashley’s fam goes pretty well, but her dad pulls Brad aside and tells him that Ashley’s in dental school and she intends to finish. Brad starts to worry that he might hold Ashley back by marrying her and I’m thinking that he’s probably holding her back by just having dinner with her.
Next Brad heads off to Shawntel’s hometown, Chico, California. Actually, he heads straight to her place of business, which happens to be a funeral home. She tells Brad she wants to be cremated (but not right now, I guess) and she shows him the vault where their ashes will sit, side by side, when they eventually kick off, probably in some rappelling mishap or another. She takes him into the embalming room and makes him lie down on the cold, metal table while the camera man scans the creepy tools of her trade. Brad asks how many stiffs have been on that table and, in my dreams, Shawntel asks, “including you?” Because, seriously … I never thought Brad could be more lifeless, but the dude is like a chameleon and really blends seamlessly into his surroundings. He decides to get up after a while, which is a smart move because anybody who saw him lying there for more than a minute would try to stuff him into a box and plant him in the ground.
If that part of Brad’s visit is grim — and it is — things get even darker and colder at Shawntel’s folks’ place when drops the bombshell on her dad, who has apparently had plans forever for his daughter to take over the family business, that if Brad proposes to her she’ll be moving to Austin. He does not take this news well. By the end of the night, dad says he’s okay with whatever happens and just wants Shawntel to be happy, but he’s not and he doesn’t. He clearly hopes that his daughter will lose the contest and remain stuck in Chico, so she won’t — as he told her — destroy his plans. I feel really bad for Shawntel because I am afraid she’s going to live and die in Chico.
Three down and one to go, Brad heads off to catch up with Emily in Charlotte, North Carolina. And Emily’s daughter Ricki, who he keeps annoyingly referring to as “little Ricki.” Emily calls her “Ricki Ticki,” which would be cute if we hadn’t just seen all of those bugs in the previous weeks’ tropical locales. Brad tries to bribe the child with a kite, but that doesn’t fly (see what I did there?). He wonders why Ricki won’t “open up to him” and I know he doesn’t mean anything bad by it but I’m still skeeved out that he’s using the same terminology about the child’s unwillingness to get close to him that he uses with the ostensibly grown up women on the show.
Eventually the kite is up in the air. Unfortunately, so is Brad’s future with Emily. Back at her home, Brad gets to play daddy (and Candy Land, at which Ricki is apparently some kind of shark) and talks about how, if this works out, he could have an “instant family” (just add mope). Emily calls him upstairs to say goodnight to Ricki. The two tuck her in and it really is kind of sweet. Then they switch off her light, leave and close her door and Ricki shuts her eyes and smiles, even though there’s still a cameraman in her room. Sometimes I really hate TV.
Back downstairs, Brad says that he respects Emily and he wants nothing more than to make out with her, but tells her that he’s not going to because Ricki is sleeping upstairs. Emily reminds him that if they end up together — which really is seeming much less likely than it did just a week ago — Ricki’s always going to be upstairs. Brad keeps pushing the idea of a hug being good enough, and seems bewildered that Emily’s not buying it. She ought to say, “Listen, dude — you pushed and pushed to meet my daughter and I let you do so against my better judgment and now you won’t even give me a peck? I don’t think so.” But instead, she just shakes her head in disbelief.
As he’s leaving, she pretty much has to reach up and pull his oversized melon down to plant one on him. Brad might not have noticed, but Emily is really her most beautiful and interesting when she’s around her little girl, who is going to be really confused when she never sees you again. Way to blow it, dope.
It’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that Shawntel is a goner, even though host Chris Harrison tries to manufacture some drama by pointing out that Ashley is the only one who hasn’t yet claimed to have fallen for the Bachelor. It doesn’t work, and Ashley gets the first rose. Emily is next and it’s more clear than ever that there’s no way Brad is giving up Chantal’s dad and his cool copper statue for the cold, grey mausoleum table.
Shawntel is predictably sent packing and wipes the tears from her eyes in the limo as she talks about how dreamy Brad is and how she’s never been treated so well and how she hopes that someday she’ll find somebody else who treats her like a princess. Sorry, Shawntel. I sincerely mean that. Because I think your dad’s got other plans.
Next week it’s safari so bad as Brad and his babes head to Africa. It’s a pretty drastic strategy to inject some wildness into this show but, after this boring week, it’s really necessary.
Permalink | Comments (5) | Post your comment Categories: Entertainment, Random thoughts, Reality TV, Recap
Comments
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By Gracie
February 26, 2011 1:32 PM | Link to this
Mr. Roe, I'm so sorry for your torture. I can't imagine having to watch each episode twice. I must admit that your latest blog did force me to go back to look more closely at Chantel's mother's tightly squeezed face.
And you are right, Chantel's family home is a mansion --- or perhaps a castle. Maybe, Brad will go for the money.
By Dale Roe
February 25, 2011 1:11 PM | Link to this
Aw, thank you, Gracie. Or should I say, "graci, Gracie!" I must confess that I am *not* hooked on the program. I might enjoy it more if I were able to DVR it and watch later, so that I could skip through a lot of it. But, when recapping, I pretty much have to watch each episode twice, and that's just too much. My wife's not interested in it at all and my daughter is way too young for it. My mom watched obsessively when she was still alive. Never having watched before this season, I was unaware that any actual "shacking up" took place. Yikes. I hope they don't record any of that.
By Gracie
February 24, 2011 6:38 PM | Link to this
You give such great recaps of The Bachelor shows, Mr. Roe. I love to read your critiques to see if they match mine...and they pretty much do! Your sense of humor and play on words make it so much fun to read the blog. Congrats on watching the entire season thus far. Are you hooked on the program now or will you leave it to the females in your family to watch the next series?
Next week, we'll see if any of the women is crazy enough to accept the key so she can spend the night in Brad's suite. Did the preview hint that Emily might not jump at that opportunity? Smart girl.
By Dale Roe
February 24, 2011 12:03 PM | Link to this
Thanks, Julia. As I wrote, it was a struggle this week. I initially had a line in there about how brad should have bought "Little Ricki" a drum set instead of a kite. I have tried to stay away from spoilers, so I honestly don't know who's going to win (if you consider a game show engagement a prize) but I don't believe it will be Emily. I am certain that either she or Ashley will go next — a week ago I would have said Ashley; now I'm not so sure — and Chantal's dad, er, Chantal, will be the last woman standing, er, hunched over and weeping.
By Julia London
February 24, 2011 9:25 AM | Link to this
Great blog, Dale! My entire family watches this show -- I mean spouses, parents, kids -- because there is nothing we enjoy more than making fun of Brad. We call him the shoe. Because that pretty much defines his personality.
Personally, I hope Emily bolts. I would hate to think of Little Ricki (do you hear Desi Arnez when you write that?) having that lug hanging around. Emily either, for that matter. My guess is that he will go with Chantal and all her riches because that seems to be the kind of guy he is.