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Recap: ‘The Bachelor’ week 7, Feb. 14
Three one-on-one dates this week and one group grope. How Anguilla it all turn out?
The first date card from Brad reads “Three things I will bring to a desert island: A picnic lunch; champagne; and Emily.” Awww. But, really, that’s four things because Emily brings the memory of her deceased race car driver fiancee Ricky Bobby with her everywhere. I hope the destination island is big.
Because they’re going more than twenty paces, a helicopter flies in to whisk them away. The sandbar they land on is not really that big, and I’m afraid that if the waves get too high they could both be drowned. I scan the horizon to see if Michelle is bobbing up and down anywhere on the coastline trying to make that happen.
They drink champagne because, well, Emily’s quiet and she seems to be one of the more chaste women in this mess and, so, there’s probably not much else to do. They each admit that the other makes them nervous and I’m thinking, “brilliant, secluded, activity-free spot for a date, then.” Emily says their relationship will only work if the sun and moon are out at the same time. Somewhere off camera, a prop master curses then dives into action. Because, suddenly, both heavenly bodies are out together — and the sun and moon are, too — and Brad and Emily kiss.
Over dinner, Brad pops the question: Can I meet your daughter? It’s an appropriate question because next week is the episode where Brad goes to the surviving women’s hometowns to meet their families and tries to explain to them why he’s dating their daughters but making out with three other chicks. Emily is hesitant and says she knows she is overprotective, but that’s a big step. She promises to consider it. Brad tells her he knows that he’s breaking the rules, but that’s okay because he’s a loner, Dottie, a rebel! He’s going to give her a rose at the end of the week, so he doesn’t want her to worry about that. He tells her to do whatever she has to do — make phone calls, buy cases of Chapstick — to prepare for his visit.
Shawntel N. gets the next one-on-one date. Brad takes her through the streets of Anguilla. I still think he’s pronouncing it wrong, but I pronounce the double l’s in ‘tortilla,” so what do I know? They ride bicycles to the farmers’ market because, I don’t know, maybe the chopper is out of gas after lugging around Brad, Emily and all that extra champagne weight. They drink from coconuts and then Brad passes out and Shawntel surgically harvests his kidney for sale on the Caribbean black market. Just kidding, but she works with dead bodies and she totally could.
They meet and chat up some locals and Shawntel says she likes seeing Brad interact with other people (mostly, I’m figuring, other people who aren’t her Michelle). Look at them jump rope! Cute! Brad’s voice-over says he’s seeing a different side of Shawntel today and, from the camera angles, I’m guessing it’s her backside because that’s all they’re showing (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
Brad tells Shawntel about his daddy issues and she responds by admitting that she’s falling for him (Brad, not his pop). Brad thanks her and tells the camera that this makes him happy (hey — that’s the same line that worked for Chantal!). It rains during dinner, which is like Viagra for these kids, so there’s lots more kissing. Then they’re treated to a reggae serenade (which, frankly, makes about as much sense as a romantic break-dance) by some big-deal Anguillan artist who probably sold more records there than The Beatles.
Next, Britt finally gets her one-on-one date. Sadly, it’s also going to be her one-and-only-one-on-one date. Brad walks her out to the beach and tells her he’s picked up women in helicopters, he’s picked them up in convertibles and he’s picked them up in boats, but he’s never picked one up in a yacht (he’s probably also picked up women in the HEB, too. I’m surprised he doesn’t mention that). Britt asks how they’ll get to the vessel and Brad says there’s only one way. So they wade out into the water and the next thing you know they’re standing on the deck. I’m guessing the editors conveniently cut the segment where the helicopter picked them up and flew them to the yacht.
Then Brad tells Britt to go jump off a cliff and she does. To be fair, they’re cliff diving and he jumped first. Still, though poor Britt is petrified she finally does it “for Brad,” who says he is proud of her for overcoming her fears. Of course.
Sitting on the beach, Brad tries to get something going but just isn’t feeling it. The couple make wee, tiny small talk but it is pretty clear that they have no connection. He tells the camera that he just doesn’t get it: here he is in one of the most romantic spots on Earth with a beautiful woman but he has no inclination to grab her and kiss her. I’m figuring that’s because Britt hasn’t told Brad that she’s afraid to kiss him. If she’d only done that he would have to move in — you know, to help her overcome her fear.
During dinner, Brad admits to Britt that he doesn’t see himself spending the rest of the evening with her, much less his whole life, and sends her home. I feel bad for Britt because she stuck around this long without a solo date with Brad when some of the other women have had, like, three. Hmmm … why do you think that chemistry hasn’t developed, Brad? I imagine Brad didn’t do very well in chemistry.
In the wee hours of the morning, our bachelor sneaks into Chantal O., Ashley and crazy Michelle’s bedrooms with a flashlight and wakes them up. You just know he wanted to dip their hands into a bowl of warm water while they were still asleep and see if he could make them pee. Anyway, the girls are kind of grumpy because it’s early and they don’t have time to shower or put on make-up. Judging from what they’re wearing when they leave, they didn’t have much time to choose outfits, either.
It turns out they’re headed to the beach for a sunrise photo shoot for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition (which, not coincidentally, hits newsstands today). Frankly, I’m not sure what sport this show falls into, but it’s competitive, I’ll give you that.
Ashley goes first. The photographer convinces her to drop her top and cover her chest with conch shells. I imagine it was all Brad could do to avoid grabbing them and making honking noises, but instead of saying “honk, honk!” he’d say “conch, conch!” Chantal, a front-runner but so insecure, drops her top as well. Crazy Michelle says she can’t be talked into stuff like that. But you now who is good at being talked into stuff? Brad. Michelle says she wants to do a shoot with him and they go all “From Here to Eternity” on the sand, except it really does feel like an eternity because Michelle is really pushing it and, clearly, everybody else is uncomfortable.
After the shoot, the foursome enjoy a pool party, except “enjoy” is the wrong word because everybody is really tense and uncomfortable. They’re all mad at each other and Brad feels guilty. He especially feels guilty about making out with evil Michelle, so he pulls Chantal and Ashley aside and tries to apologize in his own “I didn’t do anything wrong; open up to me and tell me what you’re feeling” kind of way. This is the only date this week with a rose and Brad gives it to Ashley, which ticks off crazy Michelle and freaks out Chantal. “If you can’t pick me fir-fir-first out of three women, then just send me ho-ho-home,” she chokes out through her tears.
Just before the weekly cocktail party, Brad tells host Chris Harrison that he’s already made his decision and he wants to skip the party and go straight to the Rose Ceremony. Harrison says, “Let me play devil’s advocate,” which I’m pretty sure is a sneaky way for him to imply that Brad is, in fact, the devil. I’m pretty sure he’s going to point out to Brad that he’ll be giving up a few hours at an open bar, but instead he asks if conversations with the women might sway Brad’s opinion. But Brad stands firm.
The ladies assemble at the beach and Brad hands out the roses. Ashley’s already got hers. Emily (Brad kept his word!) and Shawntel get them first, leaving Chantal and crazy Michelle. Chantal gets the final rose and Michelle says her goodbyes to the other girls. Actually, I think she only says goodbye to Emily and Ashley. We probably couldn’t print what she likely said to Chantal and Shawntel.
I think Michelle is in shock but, whatever — she’s speechless for once and that’s all that really matters. She is silent as Brad walks her to the limo and puts her inside. She is wordless as the limo drives off. She stares silently into the camera and then flops down on the back seat and stares intently and noiselessly into the camera. I’m going to say she’s in the fetal position even though she’s lying flat because, well, I just picture her stretching out in the womb, too, because she instinctively knew it would cause discomfort to her human host. Anyway, yeah. The one time you want to see her freak out she keeps her composure. Way to go, Michelle … twist that knife ‘til the bitter end.
Next week, Brad visits the four remaining ladies’ hometowns. That’s a lot of helicopter fuel.
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Comments
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By Dale Roe
February 15, 2011 3:08 PM | Link to this
Thanks, Julia!
I agree, but I think they really kept Michelle around as long as they reasonably could have.
Do you watch the commercials or do you zip through them? There was one for a smart phone where a stalker girl is in a tree outside a guy's bedroom window and she says something like, "I just had my first date with Brad." I think her name was Michelle in the commercial, too, and she was all wild-eyed and stalkery. It was really funny. That can't have been a coincidence.
By Julia London
February 15, 2011 2:33 PM | Link to this
I will miss Michelle. Her craziness was the best part of that show. Now I am really bored.
Great recap!