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Recap: ‘The Bachelor’ week 6, Feb. 7
Michelle’s black eye is gone this week. Well, except for the one that she continues to give network television.
So here’s the deal … the producers must have had a private talk with Austin “Bachelor” Brad Womack and told him something like this: “Yes, we know Michelle is psychotic. No, you can’t send her home. Yes, we know she scares you — she scares us, too. No, you can’t send her home.”
While I’m sure part of their reason for wanting Brad to keep her around is that they must be genuinely afraid of what she’ll do when she gets cut, I think they have an ulterior motive … she’s too crazy good of a character in an otherwise pretty dull and lifeless cast led by “The Bachelor” himself. Still, if tonight is any indication, she’s not going to be around much longer. Just to be safe, her next one-on-one date with Brad should be at Restful Acres Sanitarium.
Monday’s episode begins with the harem’s trip to Costa Rica where they hike to their luxurious digs in the middle of the rain forest and all find out why it’s called the rain forest. Seriously, Brad — you could have just taken these women to a wet t-shirt contest in Santa Monica and saved ABC a whole lotta’ coin.
What happens next? Continue reading after the jump …
Anyway, the other women are disappointed and jealous to discover that Brad has chosen Chantal O. for a second one-on-one date, especially since at least a couple of them hadn’t been on a single one yet. Michelle was especially angry and stated that she hoped that Chantal got attacked by monkeys or apes. And then — and this is the really crazy part — she didn’t look up and say, “Oops, did I say that out loud?” because she can’t hate loudly enough.
It’s hard to guess exactly where Brad’s taking Chantal, because she hasn’t mentioned anything new that she’s afraid of yet this episode and we know the producers love to torture these women by playing off of those fears for these dates. For example: if you were afraid of elevators, the producers would have Brad chopper you off to the world’s tallest building where they would rig the elevator so that it would suddenly drop eight floors when it reached the 127th story, then climb back up and then drop again and then climb back up seventeen times. If you were allergic to peanut butter, they would use it to fill the hot tub. And you’d jump right in, because Brad asked you to.
It turns out that Brad and Chantal are going zip-lining, which looks like a lot of fun (way more fun than zip-locking, anyway, which is just opening and closing self-sealing sandwich bags for a few hours). It also gives Chantal a chance to wrap her legs tightly around Brad and make a stupid comment about how she could get used to that.
Later, their romantic dinner is interrupted by a deluge (I think Costa Rica must translate to “Damn, it sure rains a lot here!”) but that’s okay, because swingin’ Brad has a “Bachelor” pad waiting and it gives him an excuse to get Chantal out of those wet clothes and into something dry — no, not his sparkling wit, one of his shirts. Which he does. Then he picks up three things: Chantal’s pants-less signals; his jaw from the floor; and a rose, which he asks her to accept.
Back at harem central, the other contestants are trying to predict Chantal’s fate. I think Michelle loses, because she predicts Chantal will be sent home and won’t come back and, instead, Chantal does come back. With a rose. And Brad’s shirt (even though I’m pretty sure her own is dry by now and probably some pants, too). So, yeah, pretty far off there, Michelle.
The group date finds Michelle brooding all day because the activity is rappelling down a waterfall and, apparently, when she and Brad scaled the side of that skyscraper a couple of episodes ago, they made some kind of stupid deal (she kept calling it a pact, which only convinces me that she’s got cult experience in her past, which would explain a lot) that they would only forever thereafter go pointlessly climbing down the sides of things with each other and nobody else. So, once all of the other girls bounce their way over and down the cliff — including poor Jackie, who is afraid of heights (I knew the producers wouldn’t let me down) — Michelle actually starts punching Brad for breaking their vow and, you know, I think she could take him. I’m not sure that the edge of a cliff is where you want to be slapping somebody around, but then again I am not bat-crap crazy.
Brad calms her down and tells her that he didn’t break their creepy pact because they are going to rappel down the waterfall together (except they both keep calling it “repelling” which, again, is a much more accurate assessment). When they get to the bottom Brad starts to worry that the other girls might be jealous of Michelle. Going on a date with Brad is like going to my grandma’s house with my brothers when we were kids — she would always give us each a bag of M&Ms, but we would dump them all into a big bowl and count them out to make sure we each got the exact same number. I guess the difference is that my brothers looked awful in bikinis and the only M&Ms in “The Bachelor’s” swinging Costa Rica jungle pad are the ones in the “mmmmmmm” sounds everybody’s making during all the relentless smooching.
On the post-date hot tub date, Michelle tells the cameraman in no uncertain, four-letter terms exactly what she wants to do to Brad and I am surprised to learn that it’s a different four-letter word than “kill.” Emily tells Brad that she has a tendency to sabotage good things that come her way, which scares him a little. Then Michelle starts giving him crap about the other women, which scares him a lot. Brad decides not to hand out any roses. He says it’s because he wants to be sure he makes the right decisions, but it seems like a well-deserved punishment for everybody bringing him down. Michelle tells the cameraman that she will take matters into her own hands if she has to, and I think I start to see the camera’s image perceptibly shake.
Meanwhile, Alli and Chantal — back at the harem house because they didn’t go on the group date — run across a some kind of black beetle and we learn that Alli is terrified of insects. This means, of course, that Brad will be taking her to meet a beekeeper or something on their upcoming one-on-one date.
Alli’s date card reads “Meet me at the altar.” This sends the pun-challenged contestants into jealous flights of fancy and Alli starts picking out a china pattern and registering at the Costa Rica Bed, Bath and Beyond. Brad shows up on horseback and the couple heads off into the jungle. I guess all the country’s helicopters are unavailable because, seriously, I think Brad hops into one when he wants to go from the living room into the kitchen.
The spelunkheads climb down into a crevice into a millions-of-years-old cave filled with bugs — there ya go — which Alli knew she was afraid of, and bats, something brand new for her to discover scares the bejabbers out of her. Alli says that going through the cave is symbolic of her journey on the show and I think she’s right because love on this show is claustrophobic, moist and dark.
On a side note, it’s interesting to hear Brad reel off facts about these landmarks and their wildlife, because you know that it’s just like Alex Trebek admonishing “Jeopardy!” contestants by reading the correct answers off his cards in that dismissive, arrogant tone as if he’d known them all along.
Unfortunately, Brad and Alli’s dinner conversation, in the middle of some kind of pool of water, is about as deep and interesting as the pre-game chatter Trebek has with his contestants. “We’re sinking,” Alli says with zero irony, and she’s right. Brad sends her packing. Sunk. Farewell, Alli, we hardly knew ye.
No, seriously. Have we met before?
A defeated Brad heads back to his “Bachelor” pad to unwind, when a scary and possessive knock on his door reveals evil Michelle. She has busted out of the harem to clandestinely pay Brad a visit and tell him in which order to send the other girls home. She does this by grabbing his open hands and pushing down one of his fingers for each girl to go: Britt, Jackie, Chantal, Shawntel, Emily and Ashley. Brad asks if the remaining extended finger is her and I’m hoping it’s the middle one because that’s what she just gave all the other women on the show.
At the cocktail party, Emily apologizes to Brad for something — being wonderful and normal, I guess. Her honesty gives Brad the courage to pull Michelle aside and tell her that she’s smothering and scaring him. He doesn’t say exactly what has scared him the most, but I’m guessing it was either almost being pushed off a cliff or having her suddenly appear in a puff of smoke in his locked bachelor pad. Brad says he feels like they had something special but that they have taken ten steps backwards. Later in the smack-down, Michelle says she is upset that Brad feels they’ve taken two steps backwards. No, Michelle, he said ten. Y’all have taken ten steps backwards, not two.
“I don’t know if I’m crazy,” Michelle says, and America collectively says “we do!” in such perfect unison that some kind of magical, harmonic event occurs that stabilizes the world economy and fixes that mess in Egypt.
Shawntel offers to help a stressed-out Brad relax by playing the “silent game.” They can do anything they want, according to Shawntel’s rules, except speak. Apparently “silence” is a loose term in the “silent game,” because a lot of slurpy, lip-smacking sounds ensue.
A newly-relaxed Brad is cornered by Chantal O. who wants to tell him that she’s fallen in love with him. She points out that, since she already has a rose, she has nothing to gain by her admission and explains that it’s not a strategic ploy. She just plain loves the big spelunkhead.
Awwww.
Brad’s response? “Thank you.” He tells the camera that he is glad to hear Chantal profess her love, because that means that the show is working and he is confident that he will find a wife, which is his goal.
Much kissing ensues.
The rest of the roses go to Ashley, Britt, Emily, Shawntel and — sigh — Michelle. Bad choice, good TV. That means Jackie gets to head home and resume her Rachel Berry “Glee” tribute concerts again. Ah, well … here’s looking at you, kid. You and Brad will always have Seal.
Brad and his harem are off to Anguilla next week. I’m not sure of the correct way to pronounce Anguilla, but Brad says it as if it rhymes with “vanilla” (which he is), “armadilla,” (which reminds him of home) and “Magilla Gorilla” (which I’m assuming is his favorite cinematic work).
It’s gonna’ be a thrilla’.
Permalink | Comments (3) | Post your comment Categories: Entertainment, Mid-season TV, Random thoughts, Reality TV, Recap
Comments
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By Sandy
February 9, 2011 9:41 AM | Link to this
Not to be outdone by Julia, I thought I'd post my two-cents worth, too. I'm 58 and single and since most men prefer women who are 20 years younger (unless that puts her under 15) the only place I'm likely to find a man is if I go trolling in the local nursing home or cemetery. So, sadly, I'm addicted to the"The Bachelor/Bachelorette" because it's the closest that I get to romance. I watch it every week, even if I have to watch on the computer with all of ABC.com's glitches. But in spite of my love of the show, I also enjoy your recaps. You may be sarcastic, but you say what we're all thinking.
By Dale Roe
February 9, 2011 2:14 AM | Link to this
Have you seen the lack of other comments, Julia? I think I *am* writing this just for you! All kidding aside, I get a lot of positive feedback for my negative Bachelor commentary and I really appreciate yours. It almost makes watching the show seem worthwhile!
By Julia London
February 8, 2011 3:08 PM | Link to this
It almost feels as if you are writing this blog just for me. I just love your recaps. Last night, my sister came over and we both felt gross after watching such ridiculous madness and grown women act like its normal to lust after some guy in packs. Now, after reading your blog, I feel like I went and got a shot for that. Thanks for the laughs, Dale.