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Recap: ‘The Bachelor’ week 2
Melissa and Brad in happier times (like, last week).
I may be a newcomer to “The Bachelor,” but I’ve seen my share of horror movies. Does anything good ever happen at an abandoned carnival? Ever? Ashley H. is hoping so, because that’s where she finds herself on a date with Brad in Monday’s episode of the ABC show. In fact, it’s the first date of the season. The two cavort around the brightly lit but creepy and deserted midway, laughing and eating cotton candy (and, hopefully, checking it for loose cotter pins, because I think those and a wad of chewing gum are the only things holding that rickety Tilt-a-Whirl together).
The two take a break from the, frankly, forced frivolity to bare their souls to one another and they discover that they’ve both got daddy issues, having experienced varying degrees of abandonment as children. Suddenly the desolate amusement park seems like a brilliant metaphor for childhood abandonment, but I’m probably over thinking that because: a.) I don’t think the producers of this show are that clever; and b.) I am super bored and it’s something to do.
Brad gives Ashley H. a rose which, I’m learning, means she’s safe (unless she’s really allergic to roses, in which case she’ll be leaving for the hospital soon). These women are so in love with this knucklehead — for reasons still unclear to me — that if they were allergic to peanuts I think they would French kiss an elephant if that’s what it took to win his heart. It’s a mystery, but don’t the best mysteries happen at creepy, abandoned carnivals? That’s what “Scooby Doo” taught me. Brad and Ashley spend some time kissing and it seems like they’re almost ready to take things to the next level. They would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t have been for those meddling kids and their dog.
Next, Brad takes almost everybody in the competition (and probably some key grips and show stylists, judging by the sheer number) on a group date. Seriously, here’s who goes a-courtin’ with Brad: Alli, Britt, Chantal, Emily, Keltie, Kimberly, Lisa, Madison, Marissa, Meghan, Melissa, Michelle, Raichel, Shawntel and Stacey.
They are ostensibly videotaping public service announcements for the American Red Cross urging blood donation, but with all of the spit swapping going on I’m thinking that blood testing might be more useful (honestly — if Chapstick is not a sponsor of this show, it out to be). Anyway, few of the women are really focusing on the task at hand because most of them are trying to figure out how to get some face time with Brad. Do you want to know who’s bad at this? Melissa. She awkwardly interrupts a faux telenovela and plants one on our bachelor. Michelle is much more effective at capturing Brad’s attention, by storming off in a huff. Why? It’s her birthday and this is not the way she wanted to spend it. Brad goes after her and consoles her. Well played, Michelle.
He makes out with two of the other women in a really skeevy and unfunny PSA that ends up with him being a vampire. This is only going to make Madison want Brad more — think of the fangy kids they could have! Speaking of Madison, she is dressed as a dominatrix for her scene. I don’t know when David Lynch began directing public service announcements, but count me in.
A post-date pool party finds Brad giving out another rose. He slogs through the water, shirtless, and offers it to Melissa, who I think actually filled the pool using only her “boo-hoo it’s my birthday” tears in order to impress him. Again, well-played.
Brad’s next solo date is with Jackie, the dead ringer for “Glee’s” Rachel in about a dozen years. He carts her to a fancy hotel in Beverly Hills. I don’t think Rachel — I mean, Jackie — has a lot of experience with fancy hotels, because she calls the bellhops “guards.” Brad and Jackie strip into robes and smear mud on their faces. Then they wash it off, I guess, and head to The Hollywood Bowl for dinner, but Jackie is hoping it’s the “Rose” Bowl. Hee.
While chatting, Brad gets freaked out that Jackie did not date in college and has only had a couple of serious relationships. He’s only got himself to blame: he should have picked up on her inexperience through her lack of hotel lingo knowledge. Brad is freaked out because Jackie reminds him of himself the first time he was on the show three years ago (except prettier and with a marginally better singing voice). He gives her a safety rose anyway, then they dance to the dulcet tones of the band Train which, thankfully, does not perform “Hey, Soul Sister” — not even a customized version for the show: “Hey there, Bachelor / Why don’t you dispatch her / With a safety rose / She’s got nice clothes / Lift her up above her foes!”
Okay, do they end each of these episodes with a cocktail party? They did on Monday’s installment and sweet, pretty and seemingly sane Emily gets a safety rose. The rest of the assembled feast on finger food (probably); alcohol (definitely); and a big old buffet full of drama. This was provided by Melissa and Raichel, who have been sniping at each other like pre-teens throughout the entire episode. Raichel’s all “Leave me alone!” and Melissa is, like, “Oh yeah? You’ve got an extra ‘i” in the middle of your name.” Okay, not really. But, honestly, it’s not much more mature than that (and who spells “Raichel” that way anyhow?).
A cute couple named Roberto and Ali (I don’t know who they are and it’s not explained, so they must have been on this show before, right?) show up to interview the remaining women and make suggestions to Brad. They must have done a good job, because Brad sends Melissa packing, along with Raichel and her extraneous “i.” Also going home is Keltie, who seems genuinely sad and defeated and says she’s tried every kind of dating without success. And I believe her, because this is most definitely the absoulte last kind you’d ever want to try.
Brad hands the remaining roses out to Alli, Ashley, Britt, Chantal, Kimberly, Lindsay, Lisa, Madison, Marissa, Meghan, Sarah, Shawntel and Stacey, who will be back next week along with previous rose-winners Ashley H., Emily, Jackie and Michelle.
I’ll be back, too. See you then.
Permalink | Comments (2) | Post your comment Categories: Random thoughts, Reality TV
Comments
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By Julia London
January 13, 2011 10:31 AM | Link to this
Dale, you make me laugh. I have been watching this stupid franchise for years, for reasons I do not fully understand and really don't want to examine too closely. But when I read your posts about it, it sounds so ridiculous that it makes me laugh out loud. Thanks for being a sport and trying to make sense of a really silly show.
By lmo
January 13, 2011 10:08 AM | Link to this
thanks for the laughs! this was the best piece I read in the Statesman today.