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The Bachelorette
June 1, 2010
'The Bachelorette' recap: Episode two
Tonight on a very special why-in the-hell-am-I-spending-82-minutes-of-my-vacation-watching-this episode of “The Bachelorette,” Ali says she feels “so confident” that she’s going to find her husband. Well, at least she’s confident about something. Also: the dudes parade around in bikinis for a calendar shoot (I am obviously not this show’s target demographic) and Ron Burgundy (Jonathan) and (new nickname alert) North American Psycho (Craig from Canada) go toe-to-bro. Should be thrilling.
Corky Romano (Frank) is a little too excited to get the first one-on-one date with Ali, which should make him even stalkerier, if that is possible (or a word). She doesn’t know if there will be a love connection, meaning she finds him funny but not hunky. Ron Burgundy is a bit bitter because he thinks he has the best personality in the group. His whining is already growing old, here in episode two.
Corky and Ali head out in a classic Cadillac convertible for their date, but the car breaks down on the freeway. Unfortunately bad jokes can’t fix transmissions, so the couple jump a cab and head for Hollywood, where tourists ask for her autograph. Tourists. After happily playing sidekick to his would-B-star, Corky follows Ali to a date beneath the Hollywood sign, which I imagine is about as close as screenwriter Corky will ever get to making it in Hollywood.
Time for a group date. A dozen guys are invited to join Ali at a house in Malibu. Before they head out, North American Psycho antagonizes Jesse for being nothing but looks. Seeing as the insult came from a walking Ken(adian) doll, I don’t think Jesse was very hurt. Then again, I am not sure Jesse completely understands English. Ali admits to being a bit worried about having to “impress 12 guys.” Listen, Ali, you’re not on that show anymore. They are supposed to impress you. The guys get into hair and makeup for the “Sexy Guys Calendar.” Ron Burgundy does some math and equates his desire with a rose for his hatred of North American Psycho. Then he finds out he has to rock a bikini, and starts getting butterflies, putting Steve in the awkward position of having to make him feel OK about his legs. But, as it turns out, Ron Burgundy is insecure about another part of his body. After changing into the Speedo, Ali says “bless his little heart.” Yea, his heart. Bless it.
Jethro (Ty) plays some hackneyed love song to Ali about living in the moment (take that, Corky) and then tries to awkwardly explain his divorce. Ali tries to give him an out by asking how old he was when he got married (likely hoping he would say 21 and she could chalk it up to youth). His answer: 27. She gulps hard and nods reassuringly before giving him a rose. North American Psycho does some preening … annnnd …. we’re done with the beach.
First it was the bikini, now it’s North American Psycho that Ron Burgundy is whining about. He says the finely coiffed Cannuck is “dangerous” and calls him a Category Six A—hole. Oh, snap, weatherman smack talk. Of course, Ron Burgundy is wearing Wesley Snipes’ jacket from the “Bad” video, so it’s kind of hard to take him seriously. He also claims to have a brown belt (in some form of martial arts, I assume, unless it is something from Chess King) and does not want to hurt North American Psycho. OK, Ron.
Jesse, whom Ali more or less admits she likes only for his looks, is whisked away by private jet to Vegas. The Meathead from Missouri makes Ali, who is scared of flying, feel “safe” by gawking and guffawing. They go to a cheesy Vegas hotel and Jesse puts on a suit — only the second one he’s ever owned, a fact I might have left out if I were he. I think the concierge actually came up and got the tie started for him and he just tightened it around his neck. They later eat oysters (a first for Jesse) and he says were it not for the lemon, it would have tasted like (expletive deleted). Someone get Henry Higgins on the phone. Of course, Ali, still enamored by Jesse’s looks exclaims, “That’s awesome.” Sometimes all you need is to be good looking. “Sometimes” like the first eight episodes of “The Bachelor” or “Bachelorette.” The couple is then serenaded at a club by Jamie Cullum (who apparently is popular with someone). They flounder around the dance floor while Cullum sings “bring out your dead from your previous wars …” Sounds about right.
With all the dates done, it’s time for last minute jockeying at the cocktail party back home. Corky admits that he feels like he and Ali are already a couple. Like whoa. Chris L. bungles his brief time thanks to butterflies, but I think he’ll be around for awhile. Roberto plays catch with Ali in the courtyard. Still a serious contender. Kasey gets Ali alone for a minute or two before Corky does some Grade A blocking and steals her away and tells Ali that he feels like he’s been watching other guys go on dates with his girlfriend, then forces a kiss on her. Loosen your grip, bro.
(This is where I mention that my mom was present for this embarrassing two hours of my life. A commercial comes on for the new movie “Knight and Day.” Mom: “What’s Tom Cruise in now? … With Cameron Diaz? How disgusting!” Me: “What do you think, mom?” Mom: “Uh uh.”)
Time for roses. We’ll keep it simple and just name the three who didn’t get a flower: Craig M, Tyler, and Chris H.
Next week promises more drama from Rated-R. And that’s about it. I want to start a bring back Craig M. (North American Psycho) campaign, cause this season is already the lamest of the three I’ve seen. And that is saying something.
Prediction for next week: No rose for San Antonio’s Hunter, Chris N. and Steve.
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May 25, 2010
'The Bachelorette' recap: Episode one
Photos: Scenes from episode two | The men of ‘The Bachelorette’
For those who don’t remember the last season of “The Bachelor,” the wheels started coming off of ABC’s “amazing journey” as it made the final turn toward home. Perky blonde Ali Fedotowsky had a tough decision to make: Return to her job at Facebook in San Francisco or continue “dating” a cheesy, preening pilot from Texas who seemed to have a predilection for tramps? She wisely chose the former. Then changed her mind. Then, tears.
Fedotowsky returned to America’s living rooms last night to claim the love that is rightfully due her. On the season premiere of “The Bachelorette,” she admitted that she let her insecurities and fears rule her for too long, and that it was time to move beyond that. Apparently she spent a lot of time watching reruns of that “Oprah” episode with “The Secret” author Rhonda Byrne. But then she repeated the mantra over and over, and I began to wonder if she was really this full of doubt and insecurity or if the producers had played it up to make it part of her “narrative.” Whatever the reason, it sure beats listening to “On the Wings of Love.”
Her outlook isn’t the only thing that’s changed. Despite my best efforts to listen to her prattle on about lost chances and learning lessons, all I can think about is how horrible her hair looks. Fried, stringy and yellow, she looks like she got out of the pool about 10 minutes before the camera crew showed up. Maybe she’s taking a page out of Vienna’s book from last season. She definitely has Vienna’s sense of desperation, as she tells the camera that she’s quit her job and left her apartment. “It’s all on the line,” she says. Then her head spins around like Linda Blair in “The Exorcist,” and she barks, “I WILL FIND MY HUSBAND!”
We then get introduced to the 25 men who will make fools of themselves on national TV as they either too earnestly fall in love or masquerade as courtiers while seeking reality TV fame. One-third of these dudes won’t be here by the end of the first episode, so I’ll try and make this quick and painless. If you’re wondering why in the hell I am doing a recap of “The Bachelorette” on this here blog, there is a guy from Austin on the show, along with two other Texans. So, whatever.
Send in the clowns.
1. Frank (nickname: Corky Romano) is an aspiring screenwriter who quit a lucrative job in finance to pursue his dream. It seems he wants to be the next Judd Apatow, or Norah Ephron. I am all for people following their passions, but this guy seems a bit much, like he took one too many classes at the Improv Olympic in his hometown of Chicago and the instructors never had the nerve to tell him it wasn’t going to work out for him. On top of that, he talks about Ali the way Ray Finkle talked about Dan Marino in “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.” Prediction: He will be around for a good long time before his creepy, overly enthusiastic shtick becomes too much to bear. Laces out, Frank.
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