Born in Austin, Matthew left soon thereafter and finally made it back after years of paying his penance wandering the earth. Before coming to Austin360, Matthew co-edited Austinist.com, worked as an advertising copywriter and led tours of the Roman Forum, among other things.
When not busy pounding away on his keyboard, he can be found at book readings, concerts, gelaterias, pizza joints, Barton Springs, movie theaters, the golf course, or home with a book. The M.O. gives readers a little insight into the world of this man without a plan.
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I have spent hour upon hour upon hour locked inside my dark living room for the past month, interrupted only by quick visits to my local dealer for a fix and to the kitchen for rehydration supplies. I have a problem, and I’m big enough to admit it.
I’m addicted to “The Wire.” I know my chase of the dragon is about six years later than many, but after listening to and reading the (this season’s political buzzword) full-throated endorsements of the show by friends and critics for years, I finally fell into the abyss that is addiction to one of the most engaging and intelligent shows in the history of television. Once upon a time I battled with a brief addiction to “24,” but that show is the Pixy Stix of TV narcotics compared to “The Wire.” After renting the first disc of Season 1 just a few weeks ago, I have now watched every episode of the Peabody Award-winning show’s first four seasons.
Created by David Simon, the HBO show, for those of you who have been living under a rock, explores the socio-political dynamics of Baltimore set against the city’s police department and its relationship with the community and the criminal justice system. Very simply stated, the show has an incredible ability to weave multiple compelling narratives while dramatizing the social issues that have led to the plight of Charm City’s crumbling inner city. Generally refusing to pass judgment on many of the characters (with the exception of corrupt politicians), “The Wire” instead portrays most as victims of circumstance, caught up in a zero-sum game that leaves everyone frustrated with a cemetery’s worth of bodies in their wake. The writing, acting and cinematography all represent the best of what TV can be, with each show engaging the emotions and intellect of the breathless viewer in the way the best crime novels do.
As I neared the end of Season 4 last weekend, I took a few breaks, slowly stringing out the final remnants of the fuel to my addiction. Imagine my relief, joy and surprise then when upon returning the last of the discs to I Love Video, I was told that Season 5 would be coming out next Tuesday, Aug. 12. Until then I guess I can go back and listen to the commentaries to keep the shakes at bay.
(If you haven’t watched “The Wire,” get thee to a video store post haste. But make sure to block out a few weeks from your social calendar in advance. And stock the fridge. As an aside: I find it sad, weird, troubling and ridiculous that several of the actors from the show are not getting stronger film parts now. That should, and I hope will, change.)
If you were watching “The Daily Show” last night, you may have seen a silver-haired gentleman with a bit of a Texas-Kentucky hybrid accent talking to Jon Stewart about how Americans are becoming segregated by their beliefs. That kindly gentleman was Austinite and former Statesman staffer (and O.G. blogger) Bill Bishop, author of “The Big Sort: Why the Clustering of Like-Minded America is Tearing Us Apart.” Bishop examines how people sort themselves “largely according to lifestyle, and that correlates these days with politics. The net result is that moderation is out and homogeneity is in,” according to Bishop.
In a nod to his city of residence, Bishop even referenced a Statesman article about how gun sales have been strong in the Austin area this summer due to some buyers’ fears that the next administration could tighten gun regulations.
Check out the video of Bishop below, as well as this informative article from The Economist. If you are more aurally inclined, check out the engaging podcast my good friend did with Bishop for the The Economist, direct from Austin’s own The Green Muse coffee shop.
Who isn’t streaming online content these days? Even my fiance’s cat has a vlog. Naturally, public television is looking to make its mark on the online video movement. The wonderful folks over at Austin’s KLRU, known for their community building and innovative programming, are hoping to get some feedback from you, their loyal viewers, to help them determine the direction of their online video efforts.
KLRU is currently conducting an online survey to determine the future of their online video content. If you complete the survey, you will be automatically entered into a drawing to receive guaranteed tickets to an upcoming Austin City Limits taping. And that’s no small prize. Anyone who has been to an ACL taping can tell you that there is no better way to see one of your favorite bands than at an ACL taping. From the size of the crowd, to the comfortable seats, perfect sound and free beer, the KLRU studios can’t be beat.
So, jump on over to the 15-question survey. It’ll only take about 10 minutes, and you’ll be doing your small part to help local public television and maybe win a chance to see a band at the best venue in town.
The Roman Empire, the Michael Jordan era, polio. All things must come to an end. And so it is that we have come to the season finale of America’s favorite anachronistic, misogynistic television program.
Tonight’s episode promises to be “the most romantic season finale ever!” Why you gotta go and hurt season four’s feelings like that, ABC? Since it is the two-hour finale of the most predictable finale ever (not to alienate any of my readers, but let’s put it this way, Bevin is the 2004 St. Louis Cardinals in this little experiment) and there is plenty of time to kill, we get some serious filler that shows the back-story of Andy’s courtship of Bevin (Salty Dog) and Tessa (Winnie Cooper). For those not keeping score at home, Salty Dog is a borderline psychotic maniac who would stop at nothing to maneuver her way into Andy’s pants heart, and Winnie has been more than a little reticent in coming around to her feelings for Lt. Loveboat.
Having met the girls’ parents, Andy takes each of them home to Quaker Country to meet his family for the final test. Not surprisingly, Lt. Vanilla grew up in a vanilla family, that lives in a vanilla house, situated in the center of vanillaville. Andy’s mom confesses that she has known for the past couple of years that Andy was ready to get married and have a family. Really, what tipped her off? All of the applications for reality television shows? The crazy amount of time spent on Eharmony.com?
Winnie gets the first crack at Andy’s family and is excited to see Andy in this element as she feels that seeing how he interacts with his family will tell her a lot about him. Yeah, it will tell you a lot about how he interacts with his family on camera. The family seems instantly taken with Winnie, with Mrs. Arnold having to excuse herself for simply staring and admiring her beauty. Even Andy’s septuagenarian grandfather seems enlivened by Winnie and regales Andy with some story about how he met his wife the exact same way, although it was presumably a reality radio program sponsored by the Ford Edsel. Unfortunately, papa forgets one of the first rules about dinner conversation and decides to ask Winnie about her religious affiliation. Come on, papa, no talk about religion, sex or politics at dinner, even if you do think anyone in their right mind supports President Eisenhower. Winnie stumbles ever so slightly on the very job-interviewy question about where she sees her life in five years. Why didn’t they just ask her when the last time she used creative solution to solve a problem, or if she was a shoe, what kind of shoe would she be? The lunch ended smoothly, and the family showered Winnie with rice as she made her way back to the car.
Following Winnie’s bravura performance, Salty Dog gets her crack at making her wanna-be future in-laws ooh and ah. Unfortunately, she thinks the best way to do this is by talking about her work with sexual dysfunction. Looks like papa and Salty Dog need to find a room to go sit and talk about the awkward taboo dinner subjects mentioned earlier. Not to be outdone, papa again asks Andy’s could-be future wife about her religious affiliation, and Salty Dog explains that she was raised in the Bahai Faith. Crickets. Despite Salty Dog’s uneasy going, Andy lavishes her with attention and kisses and does his best to convince his family that he has a real connection with this poor ol’ thing who has gone through so much, what with coming from a broken home and being lower-middle class and all. Looks to me like Lt. Lovesick has got a bad case of Florence Nightingale syndrome. In retrospect, Salty Dog faking an ankle injury in the early episodes was the smartest thing she did all season. As she is interrogated by the family, Salty Dog admits that she first felt a true connection with Andy around the time of the third rose ceremony. Thank god this show is ending. Listening to people talk about their fake television relationships in terms of episodes is beginning to boggle my mind.
Salty Dog says her goodbyes and tells the camera that the next time she sees the Baldwin family, it may be with a ring on her finger. Or with cuffs on her wrists. After she leaves, the Baldwin family goes into full crisis mode, coyly attempting to sway Andy from picking Salty. His mother is encouraging in that she wants the woman whom her son marries to be “nuts about him.” Oh, don’t worry, mom, this girl’s nuts all right. But as has been the case throughout the show, it seems that Andy is in love with Salty Dog for only that reason. He loves the fact that she loves him. Not the best foundation for a long-term relationship, if you ask me. Andy can’t help but acknowledge that he feels a fire in his soul for Salty Dog. Um, Andy, I hate to break it to you, but your soul resides about two feet above that place where you’re feeling all the fire. Papa seems to latch on to this realization as well and gives the best advice of the show, telling his grandson that while the passion and fire may be fun and hot now, what happens when the physical infatuation dies? It’s at this point that I suggest Salty Dog try out for ABC’s next hit show, “The Mistress.”
Andy’s sister also makes a sly run at trying to talk Andy into choosing Winnie, while Mr. Baldwin simply throws in the towel after a long day of boozing and televised socializing and tells his son that he “can’t make a wrong decision.” He then grabs his slowly melting ice cream sandwich and dutifully goes upstairs to take a bath and read a Tom Clancy novel that features servicemen who would not be caught dead getting engaged on television to a woman with whom they’ve gone on four dates. Even with the family weighing in, Andy remains as confused and buzzed as ever. The family doesn’t need to give Andy any more input at this point, they need to get Jeff VanVonderon on the phone.
Andy returns to Oahu for a final date with each of the ladies before making his life-changing decision. He has a surprise for Salty Dog, who is wildly afraid of heights: a helicopter ride. Salty responds like a child who was forced to the edge of a high dive and told that her dog was hit by a car. And that she has to change schools. Pure, unadulterated panic. Good times. Speaking of, after buzzing the island, Andy asks Salty Dog what she sees in her future. (We see therapy, for what it’s worth.) She tells him that she foresees “good times and happiness,” which seems to strike her as very odd considering she has seemingly not experienced either of those things before. Moved by her love for him, Salty Dog offers Andy a gift, a watch that she says he can use to know what time it is. Oh, so it’s that kind of watch, not the kind that cleans your teeth or irons your pants or something? Odd contraption, that. She also uses her final opportunity to drop the “L Bomb” on Andy. He asks her if she’s serious and then shyly tells her that he loves her, as well. Wherever Andy and Winnie Cooper are right now, you better believe there is some serious tension. Of course, Andy could always just blame it on the booze. Salty Dog finishes her final time with sailor boy with the proclamation that “there’s no chance in hell that he’d leave me standing without a rose.” In other news, Salty Dog has also predicted that the Seattle Supersonics will win the 2007 NBA Championship.
Andy enters his final date with Winnie Cooper hoping for some clarity before making his decision. There is no more time for baby steps. Seriously, Winnie, for God’s sake. You have been out with this boy four times on television, and he just told some other girl he loves her, and you don’t know if you’re ready to spend the rest of your life with him? Wimp. The couple enjoys a nice horseback ride along the beach, followed by some frivolity in the water and lots of talk about how important this journey has been, how much the journey means, how big a risk the journey was. For those who have not yet caught on, apparently there is a clause in their contract whereby they must always, always, always refer to the show as a journey. Never once do you hear someone say, “Well, I came on the show to see if I could find love.” It’s a journey, damn it!
Near the end of the date, Winnie decides against a fancy gift (probably paid for by the producers) and gives Andy a homemade picture collage of the two of them and their time on the show, er, journey. Andy acts like a kid who just got his first Big Wheel and says he has never, ever, nerver received a gift like this. Apparently he never had a little sis’ in a sorority or ever had a girlfriend in junior high. Winnie also decides now is the time to finally open up and tell Andy that she has fallen in love with him. He thinks that is “so freaking cool” and tells her, yep, you guessed it, that he loves her, too. It’s like Andy was in love with Salty Dog’s desperate infatuation, but he kept waiting and hoping Winnie Cooper would come around. Sure enough. Someone’s gonna get hurt. And her name’s Bevin.
Before Andy finally drops the hammer on Salty Dog, he goes shopping for a diamond engagement ring, as he has finally made up his mind. As he picks out the perfect stone for the woman he has known for almost a month, the women fret back at the resort. Salty Dog says she believes that she and Andy were meant for each other and that fate brought them together. Hate to break it you, Salty, but a casting producer brought you together. Winnie bemoans the fact that she did not open up sooner and hopes it all works out for the best as she does not want to leave Hawaii broken-hearted.
Andy returns and takes his place oceanside as the sun sets. A limousine pulls up and deposits a rough-looking Salty Dog, who makes her way to meet her future husband the guy who is going to break her heart. Andy begins his break-up speech with tears in his eyes and, after telling Salty Dog that he loves her, confesses that there is another whom he loves even more. Ouch. He continues with trite lines like, “It’s been such a privilege to feel the way I’ve felt about you,” and “This is not a rejection.” Meanwhile, Salty Dog can hardly breathe. She is utterly crushed and is unable to say a word to Andy as he escorts her to the limousine that will take her back to her destroyed life. Since she cannot talk, I took the liberty of guessing as to her internal monologue.
Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok. This is ok. Ok, ok. I’m ok. Oh my god! Ok. What? WHAT? Ok, I was in the red dress. I had my girdle on. I walked down the path like the man said. Who was he again…? Nevermind. Then Andy said this isn’t a rejection. So that means he picked….me…why am I in this car if he picked me. Wait…he picked her? Not me. Not again. Am I still on TV? Will I still be on TV? They can make me another series…like…like “I Love New York”…but mine will be…ummm, “I’m in Heaven (when I’m with Bevin).” Or something like that. And then Andy will see. And he’ll come on and court me in the second season. And I will “not reject” him! YEAH! I can’t believe my fairytale wonderland journey is over…is this a limo? Am I in a limo…do I get to keep it? Hello? This keeps happening to me. I will cut them. As long as I live I will never forget her face….Tessa…Tessa…we will meet again.
As Winnie Cooper arrives to meet her destiny, Salty Dog has finally found her words. “I should have known how this was gonna end. He doesn’t love me. I said things to a man I don’t normally say (like the truth about your past?). I had no idea. It just hurts. You just love somebody, and they don’t love you back, and that’s painful.” Well, I guess I’ll take her word for it, but from the looks of things, yep, it hurts. That’s why you don’t go on television to try to compete with 25 other women to find a husband in four weeks. But I guess I’m just old-fashioned that way. My suggestion to any man with a 401(k) and a full set of teeth, get a flight to the Bay Area and start searching the bars for Salty Dog. She’s a mess right now. And I think she just “broke” her ankle again.
Back at the happy place, Andy tells Winnie that it is now just the two of them and that he loves and wants to marry her. The sun sets on a montage of the couple’s handful of dates, and they ride off on a white unicorn into a rainbow in the sky to presumably live happily ever after. You can find out tonight if that’s really the case on the after-the-dust-settled special. But me? I’m done.
Aloha.
“Miss” any of the previous episodes? Check out my recaps here: Episode #7 |
Episode #6 | Episode #5 | Episode #4 | Episode #3 | Episode #2
With only weeks left until he has to find a bride, the pressure is on Lieutenant Love Boat as tonight’s episode kicks off with Andy proclaiming that he wants the ladies to see how he lives and to understand what being the wife of a naval officer is all about.
From the previews, it appears that type of life has less to do with dealing with odd hours, understanding that the Navy comes first and being a good mom, and more to do with jumping off of waterfalls and eating sushi. Sounds like a pretty easy gig.
Andy takes all three ladies (separately, of course, this is the final three) to the site of the USS Arizona Memorial at Pearl Harbor to start the weekend of frivolity. Apparently, producers felt it was important to show some solemnity before we got to all the booze and breasts. Each is dutifully touched by the sentiment, and this is the only scene we get that has anything to do with the U.S. Navy. So much for Andy’s proclamation that it is “all about being a U.S. Naval officer.” That stuff doesn’t play on TV, pal, sorry.
In the first of the three one-on-one overnight dates, Andy and Tessa (“Winnie Cooper”) head to the hills for some Outward Bound starter kit exercises, including a zip line and a trek across a suspension bridge. As the intrepid couple navigates the suspension bridge, they comment lovingly that the endeavor is akin to their relationship. Shaky? Bored? Man-made? Winnie and Andy then retreat to a mountainside, where Andy introduces her to a bit of the native tongue, teaching her to say “Pau Hana.” What does it mean? Trust? Understanding? Patience? Love? Wrong, but thanks for playing. Had you said “happy hour,” you would have been right.
In an interesting development, Winnie makes it quite clear that she wants to be “here at the end.” Apparently, the change from frigid D.C. to the sunny confines of the Aloha State has brought about a change in our young front-runner. The couple while away the sunset drinking champagne and talking about how much they make each other laugh. Apparently, the laughter and authentic enjoyment these two feel while in each other’s company is being saved for the director’s cut DVD.
Back at the resort, Andy marvels at Winnie’s beauty, admitting that he loved her tomboy side, but to see her at dinner all dressed up, he feels like he’s a king and she’s his queen. There seems to be a very patriarchal and antiquated theme in the way Andy thinks about the male-female relationship, a feeling of ownership. Overwhelmed by Winnie’s beauty and candor regarding her growing feelings, Lt. Love Boat does his best Mr. Roarke and offers Winnie a key to the Fantasy Suite. She accepts, and the couple retreats to the Jacuzzi bath tub for the night. In their bathing suits.
Next up on the love merry-go-round is Danielle (“Crude Attempts”). General Goofball and Crude Attempts take a boat trip in which we learn that dolphins may be Crude Attempt’s favorite animal. Fascinating. She professes that the experience is a dream come true for her. Really? Ever since childhood, or even as a woman in your 20s, the dream you’ve always had is of being in the final three on a reality dating program? Surrounded by cameras? With your imminent expulsion from Fantasy Island casting a pall over everything you do? Dream big, ladies. Shame on you, ABC.
During their boat trip, Crude Attempts once again brings up her dead boyfriend. That-a-way to stay at it, girl. Pick a theme and commit. In talking about her previous tragedy, Crude Attempts tells Andy about how a psychic predicted that, after her loss, she would meet two men, and the second would be the one she married. Mind-boggling. A psychic used her amazing powers of perception to figure that, in your late 20s, you would meet a couple of me and probably marry the one you meet last? What are the odds? Pretty good, I imagine. But with the relatively obvious nature of that revelation, set to the muzak version of the Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes hit (from the movie “An Officer and a Gentleman,” no less) “Up Where We Belong,” it’s enough to make even the boldest skeptic believe in the power of made-for-TV love. Just not this one. As the muzak fades to commercial, Andy admits that he could spend the rest of his life with Crude Attempts. Yeah, if a porpoise kills the other two women sitting by the pool at the Princeville Resort.
Apparently, Andy still has his skepticism, too, as he has reserved a third seat at their beachside dinner for, you guessed it: a psychic. A woman then shows up with a deck of regular playing cards. Yikes. Crude Attempts tries to act excited by the mystery of it all, but you’ve got to feel for the girl. How would you like to have your life’s fate decided by a woman who looks like she just popped over from her smoke break as a $5-table blackjack dealer at Harrah’s Kauai? This second in a long line of soothsayers in Crude Attempts’ life sees that she has a little sadness in her past and that she could be feeling apprehension. Yet another pearl of uncanny wisdom from a fortune teller. You mean to tell me that she could see that a woman who has gone on TV to find a husband and is almost 30 might have had enough life experience to endure sadness and be feeling just a tad apprehensive? What with the cameras and strangers (including Andy) staring at her? Oh, and the two other women. Shocking.
After they part ways with Miss Cleo, Hervé Villechaize comes out and escorts the couple to the Fantasy Suite. It’s classic watching Andy feign amazement at the suite after spending the previous night in an almost identical room with a different woman. Once inside, Crude Attempts engages Andy in small talk about how many kids he would like, which brings out the sex tiger in Andy. Nothing like children talk to get ol’ Andy’s motor running.
The final overnight date belongs to Bevin (“Salty Dog”). The couple hikes through a rainforest, wherein they are amazed to find it raining, and Andy asks Salty Dog if she would love to live there with him. Wow. As the kids say, I guess I won’t hate the player, but Salty Dog had the look in her eyes as if she thought Ed McMahon was gonna walk out of the forest with a big prop check and balloons would fall from the trees. No, Salty Dog, you have not yet won; Andy just wanted to keep you on your toes. He also wants to get you in a bikini, so the couple goes diving off of a miniature cliff into a pool of water. What transpires next is a bit of groping that resembles something you might see on a soft-core porn channel produced by Hallmark. Salty Dog admits that she is ready to take her life to the next level and get married (again) and have kids (for the first time, as far as we know).
After their Tarzan and Jane date, Andy and Salty Dog enjoy the standard fireside luau on the beach. Andy’s got some hard questions to ask Salty Dog, but first he wants to spend a little time bumping and grinding on her like a rhythmless 15-year-old boy drunk on wine coolers for the first time. Hey, Andy, Navin R. Johnson called, he wants his dance moves back. The dirty dancing done, the couple has a very similar dinner to the other two, but this time with a bit of a condescending twist. Andy tells Salty Dog that he realizes she has “stumbled in the past,” and he is curious as to her commitment to making a marriage work again. Ouch. Nothing like exposing a secret about yourself only to have someone passively aggressively judge you by it later. Hey, Andy, Thomas Jefferson once said something about not being able to live up to the moral standards that he holds for others. Or something like that. I don’t know; I’m sure they’ve got the Internet on that ship of yours. Look it up. His trepidation about Salty Dog being an unclean woman with a shameful past washed away with a few more drinks, Andy invites Salty Dog to — you guessed it — the Fantasy Suite. Dude is batting 1.000.
With all of the dates having gone as well as Lt. Love Sick could have hoped, he is terribly conflicted. With a run along the beach not doing the trick to clear his mind, Andy calls in his friend Karch Kiraly to play sounding board. Actually, dude’s name is “Gatsby.” As any good consigliere would, Gatsby asks Andy which woman he’d like to see welcoming him at the finish line of an Ironman triathlon. Andy is perplexed, but he feels his friend has honed in on what this search is all about and admits that he wants a woman who will be there with his kids at the finish line and revel in his glory. The whole thing is like some “Father Knows Best” for the LiveStrong generation dream sequence. Gatsby seems confident Andy will make the right choice but is adamant in insisting that he pick “Daisy.”
All good things must come to an end, unfortunately, and Andy lines up the women on the beach for the penultimate rose ceremony. After he offers a rose to Salty Dog and Winnie Cooper, it is curtains for Crude Attempts, who was last seen on the Wikki Wikki shuttle at the Honolulu airport mumbling something about psychics and dead people.
Next week’s big finale promises a bit of intrigue as Lt. Love Shark takes the final two contestants back to his home of Lancaster, Pa., where it seems his conservative family is entranced by Winnie Cooper’s beauty and completely nonplussed by Salty Dog having grown up practicing the B’Hai faith. Oh, Salty Dog, will your delicious and confounding secrets never end?
It seems it was just a few weeks ago that the Bachelor was surrounded by 25 women desperately begging for his attention. Wait, it was just a few weeks ago. Now the numbers have been winnowed to four, and the lucky ladies face their biggest challenge yet: introducing Andy to their families. You think trying to out-make-out a fellow 20-something thirsty for “love” and TV fame was nerve-racking? That’s but a pittance compared to the pressure of having “the man of your dreams” with whom you have such an “amazing connection” meet your folks. God, please don’t let Uncle Randy get drunk and all hands-y; don’t let Mom embarrass me by showing him my pimply headgear class pictures; don’t let Dad scare him by taking him out to his shed; don’t let my sister try and steal him. The God-please-don’ts are almost endless.
Andy is looking forward to getting some “perspective” on his Final Four. All of the concerns that have plagued him lo these many days continue: Is Tessa (aka Winnie Cooper) sincere? Is the connection with Bevin (aka Salty Dog) purely physical? Is Amber (aka Beaches) mature enough? Would Danielle (aka Crude Attempts) make a better friend than lifelong partner? So many decisions, so few commercial breaks. Let’s see how the families affect things.
Lt. Love Boat arrives in Washington state to meet Salty Dog at a lush park featuring a majestic waterfall, whereupon he pronounces that “he’s in heaven when he’s with Bevin.” Look, producers, I’m not gonna warn you again. Enough with the scripted lines. I’ll shut this blog down right now, do you hear me?
Salty Dog tells Andy about how she and her friends used to come down to the waterfall in high school to “talk and hike, etc.” (read: smoke weed and drink lite beer) Andy then naively asks if she has ever taken a boy to the falls. Look, Lieutenant, don’t ask questions to which you don’t want to know the answers. Of course, Salty Dog lies and tells him he’s her first. How perfect unrealistic.
Pleasantries aside, Salty Dog decides it is finally time to tell the Bachelor her little secret about her past. She states that honesty is very important to her (when timed appropriately, it appears) and then proceeds do to a tap dance that would make Fred Astaire blush. “We’ve all had pasts … I was once a teenager,” blah blah blah. She then does a clumsy job of explaining how she had gotten married as a teenager (and subsequently divorced), and goes on with the whole trite “I wouldn’t change any of it; I learned so much” routine. But she never explains the history behind the marriage or the divorce. Nothing like forced honesty that does not reveal the whole truth. Sketchy.
Mr. All-American takes the news in stride, though he does tell her that he sees marriage as being a very sacred thing. Obviously. Furthermore, he admits in the safety of his soliloquy that he was a little worried by the news. I am assuming he did not tell Salty Dog directly, as it could have taken months for some drunken teenagers to find his body hog-tied out by the waterfall.
Salty Dog then takes Andy to her house to meet her family, which includes a mother and sister with rhyming names, Anna and Ona. I can only imagine the weight Salty Dog has had to carry through life being so grammatically ostracized from her family. I am sensing a spinoff series. The family and Andy enjoy convivial banter over dinner, leaving Admiral Admiration to profess that “these are my type of people.” Naturally, the intimacy of this evening, and seeing her parents approve of her latest catch, leads to Salty Dog breaking down on the couch with her father, who ends up getting a bit misty himself. Salty tells Dad, “When would I ever meet someone who is like that? I never meet people like that!” What, men with jobs who brush their teeth, get drunk and make out with you instead of fight with you? Shocking.
Carmen San Diego then jumps on a plane and lands in Bethel, Conn., to meet Crude Attempts’ family. Everything seems so New England, like Nathaniel Hawthorne New England. I would not be surprised if her dad was the church deacon and her mom’s nickname was “Goodwife” and had been tried as a witch or something. The family just seemed weird. Maybe that is because of the overwhelming gloom that has seemingly lingered over Crude Attempts’ life since her boyfriend died. Her father calls her Princess and gives Sailor Boy a steely-eyed glare when telling her that as patriarch of the family he is concerned about protecting her. He does tell Andy that his daughter “would give 1,000 percent, just like her mother.” Ummm. Did I mention Crude Attempts still lives at home?
The whole scene just seemed so dark. Apparently the death of her college sweetheart has hung like a dark cloud over this family for years, and I can imagine Crude Attempts was beyond inconsolable during that time. Which is all understandable, but I am starting to think maybe she is on the wrong show. Maybe Dr. Phil would have been better for her. The family then retreats to the basement where Mom engages Andy in some belly dancing and Dad gives the little rascal a drum lesson. Midlife crisis anyone? Maybe John Irving New England is more like it. I’m sure they’re all great people … behind the grief, gloom and concern.
The serviceman next finds himself on the frozen tundra of the Mall in D.C., where he has a friendly snowball fight with Winnie Cooper. She then takes her made-for-TV-boyfriend to her mother’s house (looks to me like a swank row-house in Georgetown, ooh la la) to meet her mom, dad, sister and best friend, who bombard Navy boy with some tough questions. Actually, they’re just run-of-the-mill questions, but none of the girls or their families have really made Andy explain himself, instead opting to only lavish him with googly-eyed praise, so actually explaining his intentions proves a little difficult and tiresome for the man who wants to be wooed. He admits to the family, “it’s almost like I’m trying to court her.” Wow! Obviously that’s why Andy chose to go on “The Bachelor” instead of “The Bachelorette” (if that is a show) — all of that traditional “get a lady to like me for myself” stuff is for the birds. I think this Andy dude is a dork and his real-world dating didn’t work, so he just thought, “I have all the things a woman wants — besides a sense of humor or interest in the woman as an individual, so I will just go on this show full of desperate women who want the ‘ideal man’ and be their trophy.” Weird.
Winnie’s best friend Samantha grills Andy pretty well, but it’s Winnie’s dad who kinda throws a wrench in the night. During some basic small talk, he tells Andy that Winnie went on the show because she thought it would be fun. This throws Andy for a loop; he was expecting every girl to be there for the sole purpose of finding “true love.” I don’t know whether to be dumbfounded by his innocence or simply amused. This leads to Andy questioning Winnie about her intentions (for the fourth episode in a row). He tells her that he “feels” there is so much “potential” there. Yeah, if only she would like you and be as desperate as the other girls/contestants. I will put on my sincere hat here for one second and wonder why Winnie ever went on this show. She obviously comes from money; she’s a successful professional with some pedigree it seems, and cuteness to spare. Why on earth would she be doing this? She obviously wonders the same thing. I will now get back to being a smart-ass before my girlfriend electrocutes me.
The best Andy can get out of Winnie is that she is willing to stay on the show to see what happens. Andy gets exited and tells the camera that “this opens up so many doors and possibilities for the future.” This has become quite ironic; it is almost as if she is scared to hurt him. That’s rich. Meanwhile, back in Seattle Salty Dog has created an entire mock family out of pasta and a model house out of crab legs in which to play with Andy and her future family.
The producers decide, naturally, to save the best (read: worst) for last. OK, producers, your past transgressions are forgiven. No snowy field or wonderful landscape greets Andy on his final stop. Instead, he gets the 23-year-old Beaches and her classroom. In Sugar Land. How’s that for romance and charm? After showing off her Ken doll to the students, Beaches sits with Andy on the swing set and tells him that not only are her parents refusing to take part in the show, but her aunt and uncle have also suddenly become unavailable. Probably too busy reading Tom DeLay’s blog. Or sitting in traffic.
Her loss is our gain, however, as Beaches takes Andy home to her generic apartment complex to meet her roommate and her little yippie dog Pascha, about who Beaches says is a very good judge of the boys she meets. The whole place reeks of first place out of college and Star Furniture starter kit. Fortunately, Beaches has not seen the tape of the other girls’ families or her mascara would be even more of a mess than it already is. The trio eats a boring dinner while Pascha wets the rug.
At the last minute Aunt Lynne has a change of heart and shows up to meet Andy. It feels like she is a college girl in love with a 30-year-old who is desperately trying to make everyone around her feel like there is no reason that this thing couldn’t work. But everyone seems to realize it’s not gonna happen — even Beaches’ raccoon-eyed roommate, who looks like bourgeois version of Paris Hilton. Andy rounds out his time in Houston by telling the camera that “Amber is so sexy.” (Read: I could never get a girl like that in a nontelevised world.)
The whirlwind of “home dates” behind him, Andy returns for the Rose Ceremony. Sadly, with the numbers having dwindled to only four, and the home dates having been more telling than any last-second posturing, the traditional 11th-hour tactics to win Andy over have been eliminated from this episode.
Andy, predictably, gives roses to Winnie Cooper, Salty Dog and Crude Attempts. That leaves Beaches to suffer the walk of shame out to the patio to get her farewell from Lt. Love Boat. But Beaches does not go quietly. When Andy tells her that she was just too young for him, she refutes his explanation, saying, “You told me in the hot tub that age doesn’t matter.” Oh, Beaches, honey, what happens in the hot tub stays in the hot tub, even if there is videotaped evidence. She wails that she does not understand, that there is no reason this should be happening to her. Then, in maybe the greatest break-up line of all time, Andy says, “The connection that I feel with the other three is greater.” Ouch!
Beaches then slinks into a limousine and sobs something about guy ater guy telling her what she wanted to hear and then dumping her.
Hey, Beaches, Match.com called. They said your membership has been reactivated.
Next week sees the quartet head to Hawaii to see how Andy lives. And swim with whales and make out under waterfalls. But will Andy realize his connection with Salty Dog is only skin deep (shocking)? Will he come to see Crude Attempts as only a friend? Will Winnie Cooper continue with her “come here, go away” bit? Or will Andy be left to marry his ab cruncher? Find out next week.
Following last week’s melodramatic episode (aren’t they all, though?), it seems that Andy has eliminated the tense drama from the house. Right? Of course not.
Tonight’s show begins with Andy preparing for his date the way I always prepared for dates during my time as a bachelor: dips and crunches off the side of my yacht. Textbook. The ladies arrive and join Andy on his ABC’s boat for a day of fun in the sun.
Not so fast ladies, although Lt. Love Boat does spend a few minutes with the girls (once they’ve been divided up into two trios of blondes and brunettes), ol’ Salty Dog goes to her bag of tricks and, after spotting two kayaks, pulls Andy into the water for some frivolity. Never has one person seemed so desperate on television. Although I hear Joey Fatone has been doing wonders for his career on “Dancing With the Stars.”
The girls sit and seethe on the yacht, seemingly still not grasping that, while loathsome, Salty Dog seems to be the only one willing to really engage in the show as a competition. It seems impossible at this point, not only in the show, but in the climate and “evolution” of reality television over the past 10 years, that anyone would suffer illusions of what’s really going on here. Listening to the women moan and complain about the very structure in which they have volunteered themselves seems mind-bendingly baffling. It’s as if they have somehow come to believe that this fuzzy world of yachts and roses is the norm and the slight they feel when someone like Salty Dog takes some initiative to compete equates her to a hussy flirting with their boyfriend at a bar.
Back at the house, Andy decides to take Stephanie (“LDP” — Lack of Discernable Personality) on a one-on-one date. While the other five women pout about his decision, Salty Dog chief among them, they fail to recognize that Andy’s decision to take a woman for some one-on-one time is his opportunity to decide whether he has genuine feelings for the girl. It is not a Good Thing. It’s not because he likes her more. It’s not because she is special; it’s because at this point in the show he doesn’t think she is. Remember when the others got the special date? Recognize a formula? Look girls, none of you is his girlfriend. And he’s not going to propose to someone in the middle of the show. Sit at the house, eat chocolate and chillax.
Sure enough, Andy confirms my suspicions as he tells the camera that the reason he has asked LDP on the date is to try and find out something (anything!) about her. Their date takes them to a wine bar, where they concoct a wine that is a perfect blend of the two of them. A little bit of LDP, a little bit of Andy, a few predictable clichés and an activity to keep them occupied from their inevitable stumble thru awkwardness. And a lot of vomit. My vomit.
The two blend what I imagine must have been a noxious combination of various wines and then use paint and paper (and seemingly no creativity) to design a label. Watching the two slop around like drunk 8-year-olds in the hand-paint comes off like some pathetic and unromantic facsimile of “Ghost.” And that movie was not very romantic to begin with. After their Jackson Pollock moment at the wine bar, Andy attempts to probe to the inner-LDP. When asked about her dreams and ambitions, LDP can only reply that she has many dreams. What are they? Well, seeing as how I don’t speak the language of shrugs and huhs, I couldn’t really tell you. We’ve watched scene after scene of Andy attempting to extract personalities from these belli corpi always ultimately feeding us that reality-tv brand of delight-in-disappointment and anticipated failure we need. He casts her line after line hoping he’ll snag something, anything. “Tell me your dreams,” he begs. She shrugs. Buzzer! For the record, Andy would have accepted A.) To be a____(insert any career), B.) To one day accomplish____(insert any goal) or C.) Anything about Anything. “This is the end, beautiful friend. And he walked on down the hall.”
As Tessa (“Winnie Cooper”) discovers that she will be getting the special date with Andy, Salty Dog drops the bomb of the season when she laments over the fact that she will seemingly not have the opportunity to tell Andy that she is a divorcee. This is the same girl who has begged for the man’s attention at every turn, spending more alone time with him than any other contestant, and she hasn’t had time to tell Mr. All America that she is a 28-year-old divorcee? I know divulging such sensitive information on television can be tough, and I’ve got no problem with divorce. Hell, I was married four times before I got out of high school. But to hide such a large personal fact for weeks from someone in whom you are deeply interested (allegedly)…well, let’s just say my estimation of Salty Dog just dropped a little. Make room, Ceausescu.
Sensing her competition increasing, and verging on her fifth (give or take) psychotic meltdown of the season, Salty Dog is slipping down that slope paved with slashed tires and neurotic 3 a.m. voice-mail messages. She approaches Amber (“Beaches”) and expresses her complete shock and dismay at having to compete with a 23-year-old for Andy’s affections. She does not understand how someone with such little life experience (read: having never been married, apparently) can be vying for her man’s heart. Apparently Salty Dog feels that the sagacity that comes with being a ripe old 28 cannot even be approached by someone of Beaches’ age. This brings out the defensive side in Beaches, who tells Salty Dog that she is, “way more mature than any 23-year-old ever!” Do not attempt to hold your weak candles to the ever-burning flame of Beaches, Joan of Arc, Anne Frank and Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty.
Ah our 20s, the decade of complete self-absorption and rampant narcissism.
For their group date, Andy takes Beaches, Tina (“Overachiever”), Salty Dog and Danielle (“Crude Attempts”) to a playground that needs revitalizing. Capt. Heartthrob says that there is no better way to get a feel for a woman’s sense of family and community than by having them paint a school yard. Of course, at this point, Andy could fly them all to a remote village in Africa and offer them some Kool-Aid and they would claw each other’s eyes out over who got to lick the stirring spoon. Salty Dog speaks to exactly that point when she states, “We’re all here for Andy. And that will never change!” Um…Andy, if you have a pet rabbit, I suggest you lock it up tight, my friend.
While the women perform their paint-by-numbers reclamation project and try and out-sensitive one another, Overachiever acknowledges that, having seen Andy play with kids on a playground for 15 minutes, he is definitely ready for a marriage and will be a great father. Andy amusingly admits that he is surprised that Salty Dog was good with the kids. Obviously she outperformed his low expectations of her. Then again, Andy didn’t see her in the corner of the schoolyard beating up one 5 year-old for “making eyes at Andy” and lecturing two more on the dangers of getting married too early.
Meanwhile, Winnie Cooper prepares at home for what is billed as the greatest (most overly-hyped) date (set-up) in the history of the world (this episode). Andy arrives and presents her with $2 million in diamonds. To unnecessarily heighten the already nerve-strained, nail-diminishing tension in the house, he does so in front of the other women. Salty Dog’s head spins around five times; Father Damian Karras shows up; and Winnie and Kevin Arnold Andy head out for their “Pretty Woman” date.
Andy takes Winnie to get fitted for a Nicole dress, and Larry Miller does his best to see that she looks magnificent in a red gown. The couple has dinner and drinks, with Winnie playing hard to get (didn’t she always) while Andy tries to ascertain whether she’s really “that into him.” Apparently, playing the aloof card has served Winnie well as Andy admits that she’s become very special to him. Yea, like at least in the Top 3, I’d say. Linda Blair Salty Dog, meanwhile, foams at the mouth and tells the camera that she is going to “seriously freak out” if Andy chooses Winnie over her. For his sake, I hope Andy gets to see some of this footage before making his final decision.
With the date behind him, Andy is left to suffer through what has quickly become my favorite part of the show — the woman all jockeying for position at the eleventh hour. Amber whinnies like the friend of Andy’s kid sister who has snuck up to his room during a pajama party. Bevin admits that she will remember this experience forever (yea, cause it’s the only time you’ll ever be on television, dear), and Andy admits their electricity is palpable (watch out, sailor, that’s what husband #1 said, too, I bet). Electricity like the shock and suspense of what someone’s chemical imbalance will drive them to do next. Tina, the only contestant to continually engage Andy with thoughtful questions, tells him she can’t wait for him to meet her mom, who is “me, amplified by however much,” which I guess would make her Judge Judy. Winnie Cooper still wrestles with the fact that the whole experience is so “not her” (look, the hard-to-get bit is tiring). Crude Attempts gets by with a little help from her friends (which she has on display with her dress), and LDP rehashes how much fun the two had on their crafts-n’-booze date.
The host tells Andy that the witching hour is upon them, and Andy, with no sense of sarcasm or irony, confesses that, although he is a Navy lieutenant who has competed in Ironman triathlons, this decision is the hardest thing he’s ever had to do in his life. Maybe I should take up swimming and running marathons. How hard could it be? Not surprisingly, Andy sends Overachiever packing back to medical school and LDP home to Uncle Henry and Auntie Em for some thoughtful analysis about why she could not open up.
Next week promises some very interesting dynamics, as Andy travels with each of the remaining four ladies to meet their families. Apparently, Salty Dog will finally come clean about the divorce, and it looks like Beaches’ family pulls a no-show. Ouch.
I will now sit patiently and see if my family similarly disowns me for spending 1500 words on a reality television show recap.
“Miss” any of the previous episodes? Check out my recaps here:
Episode #4 | Episode #3 | Episode #2Thanks, as always, to Tami for her help with jokes.
Scheduling conflicts galore tonight. David Sedaris was at the Paramount. The Houston Rockets played the Utah Jazz in Game 2 of the first round of the NBA Playoffs. And, of course, they both happened while the new bane of my existence, “The Bachelor,” was on. Definitely a night for TiVo, right? Yea, um, that’s what I did. I TiVo’d it. Echem. (I will now go put my head in my oven.)
Anyhoo … on to the recap. (I sacrifice for you, friends. For you.)
The tease for tonight’s show indicates that when the ladies head to Lake Tahoe, the drama and backstabbing will begin in earnest. Meow!
Andy tells the women they will be taking a private jet (an announcement that in and of itself draws hoots and hollers from the gals) for a getaway to Lake Tahoe. Stephanie T. “Eyebrows” asks one of the other girls if Lake Tahoe is in Oregon. Meanwhile, Bevin “Salty Dog”, still reeling from the previous episode’s ankle injury, pouts on the plane as she doesn’t think she’ll get to have any fun with Andy on the trip because of her gimpiness.
The ladies receive news that the first group date will center on gambling, but first, cocktails! As the ladies prepare to rendezvous with Andy for some sunset cocktails, Salty Dog; finally (again) breaks down (some more). Locked in the bathroom, she admits through stifled tears that she feels inadequate and is worried that she looks silly on crutches. The crutches don’t make you look silly, Salty Dog. The melodramatic, behavior of a “before” model for an anti-depressant commercial? Well, that’s another story.
The other girls, while increasingly suspicious of Salty Dog’s propensity for drama, help her get ready by steaming her dress and assisting her with her hair and make-up. She sprained her ankle, right? She didn’t have a stroke did she? Did I miss an episode? Did they show one only on the Internet and I just wasn’t around? What is going on?
During their romantic group drinking session, Salty Dog is despondent when Andy asks each of the girls the most romantic place they can imagine being. And the ol’ Salty (Puppy) Dog routine works like a charm as Andy decides to pull her aside for some time alone. A time of healing. And making out. Much to the chagrin of the girls in the adjacent room.
As the names for the second group date are revealed, Amber “Beaches” realizes that she will be going on the one-on-one date with Andy, a prospect that has her completely terrified. Look, Beaches, you’re either mad that you can’t get to spend any time alone with him or you are sick to your stomach over the fact that you’re going to have to be alone with him; you can’t have it both ways, sister.
The initial group date heads down to the casino to shoot craps, and Stephanie W. “LDP - Lack of Discernible Personality” finds herself completely out of sorts. Apparently she was taking notes when Salty Dog played the “poor, poor pitiful me” card, because she is utilizing the same strategy. Appealing to Andy’s inner Florence Nightingale is a good tactic, as LDP scores some alone-time with Corporal Consolation. Salty Dog then pays a pit boss to drop a chandelier on her, to no avail.
As they sip and chat, Andy confides in LDP that he thinks she’s amazing. This show is doing more to devalue than significance of language than any other piece of the pop culture puzzle. After returning to the group, Andy decides to grant Salty Dog some Special Quality Time, telling her that she has been “such a trooper.” The other women are appalled that Salty Dog continues to “raise the bar” and wonder whether Andy actually has feelings for the supposedly injured Salty Dog, or if his attention can be attributed to a good bedside manner.
During their SQT, Andy admits he’s a nerd. Attempting to enunciate in spite of a tongue heavy from the weight of booze, Andy tells Salty Dog that he used to do “all the science fairs in high school.” Nerds LARP on the weekends; nerds have pet rocks named Balrock that live in intricate cardboard boxes that they proudly call Khazad-dum; nerds draw pictures of girls like Salty Dog as elven She-ra princesses with skull swords and shredded animal skin bikinis that they stow away in their secret Trapper Keepers under their mattresses. Science fairs do not a nerd make, Andy.
After prattling on about his nerdiness, Andy confesses that there has been an evolution of Salty Dog. Well, if evolution means progressively becoming more despicable, pathetic and booze-bloated, then, well said, sir. As the two return back to the pack, Andy tells her that she is “his sanctuary.” Somebody’s been readin’Opening Love’s Door: The Seven Lessons back on his yacht, it appears.
The next group embarks on their group date, a day of skiing. And bitching and moaning and backstabbing. Kate “Shut Up” whines that she hates the snow and it hates her. Meanwhile, Andy does a little dirty skiin’ with Tessa “Winnie” Cooper and pulls her aside to chat. During their talk, Andy says he understands that Winnie has been a bit uneasy about this “journey.” He always talks about a reality dating show in such grand terms, whether out of myopia or innocence, I am not sure. He does tell Winnie that she is the one who makes him feel most at ease. Which is understandable after she delivers her sage line “it’s like, you know what I mean, I don’t know.” Totally. A reed in the wind.
While the quintet goes about their date, back at the lodge, Beaches is a nervous wreck as she prepares for her one-on-one date with Andy. She admits to the group that the thought of her date with Andy makes her “nauseous and sweaty” and says she just wants Andy to feel the same way about her. Hmm. Perhaps these aren’t the effects of new love but those of massive amounts of producer-peddled booze over the past week.
On the group date, “Eyebrows” wastes no time making her intentions known to the camera, professing that she will “not hesitate to throw any of the girls under the bus.” And, true to her word, she puts down Beaches to Andy as soon as she gets the chance. She continues her screed, informing Andy that “everyone thinks you’re running around kissing people, leaving the girls with no idea as to what to expect.” No faster way to a man’s heart than by making him feel paranoid and uncomfortable. Well played, Eyebrows.
The claws have definitely come out, but it would seem such blatant manipulation could only serve to hurt Eyebrows. Then again, she does not seem to be the type of person who has very good judgment, so none of this really comes as any surprise. But Eyebrows is not the only one resorting to being catty. Shut Up uses some alone-time on a gondola ride to discredit both Beaches and Eyebrows.
After the group date, Andy chooses Tina “Overachiever” for some SQT. Eyebrows seethes at Andy’s decision and notes that the other girls are “hot on her heels.” Somehow getting the first date and first rose with Andy in episodes 1 and 2 convinced Eyebrows that she was Andy’s girlfriend. Oops. During their alone time, Overachiever yet again takes the time to actually ask Andy personal questions. She also admits that it is her first one-on-one date. I think she might mean ever. To date, she is the only woman I have seen challenge the sailor or ask him any pertinent questions about his personality. When asked if he is high maintenance, Andy admits that he is a military man who lives a modest life, and, no, that is not his million dollar sports car and yacht. If any viewers of the show were under the impression that they were, well, seek help. Andy seems genuinely pleased that Overachiever has taken the time to get to know him.
Back at the resort, Beaches is frantically, obsessively preparing for her date, asking every girl what she should wear. They seem completely worn out by the whole ordeal. Once alone for a romantic fireside dinner, Andy can not resist the temptation to ask Beaches about the rumors. “I wasn’t sure if I was gonna bring it up,” he’d had quite a few drinks, so it makes sense. After going through their old routine of naming all of the things in the room (candles, fire place, champagne, hot tub, etc.) and both deciding that, reiterating over and over, and re-capping the moments that had just passed, it is blatantly clear to us now that they both find this situation to be indeed romantic. Their connection is magical. The open dialogue between the two leads to some fondue and booz and hot tubs! Andy uses the time to offer Beaches the first rose of this week’s show, which she happily accepts.
The backstabbing, skiing (they did go skiing up there, right?) and boozing in Tahoe behind them, the group heads back to Los Angeles for the Rose Ceremony. The women all nervously prepare for their fates. Eyebrows remains 90% sure she will get a rose; Salty Dog,who seems to be barely holding it together anymore, admits that she can hardly breathe (although she seems to be walking fine now); Shut Up continues to run around the room spreading rumors like a character in “Mean Girls” and Winnie Cooper admits to Andy that she thinks she should possibly go home, a doubt which Andy quickly assuages; while Overachiever sits quietly in the corner looking like she’s at her first prom with her first cousin in a borrowed big-girl dress.
Lieutenant Loveboat then lines the ladies up to pass out the roses. And the winners are: Winnie Cooper, Danielle “Crude Attempts,” Salty Dog, LDP and Overachiever.
That means it’s curtains for Shut Up (guess playing the mean girl has its drawbacks), Ole Smokey and Eyebrows, who is completely amazed that her 15 minutes of fame has come to a close. Don’t worry, Eyebrows, there’s always the strip club. Or Red Lobster.
Next week promises more of Salty Dog trying to monopolize Andy’s time and the ladies jockeying for “the most romantic date ever!”
“The Bachelor” - now with even more superlatives!
“Miss” any of the previous episodes? You’re in luck. Read the recaps here: Episode #3 | Episode #2
As always, thanks to Tami for help with jokes.
(Ladies pictured from top to bottom: Salty Dog, Winnie Cooper, Eyebrows and Beaches.)
