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October 16, 2009

Balloon Boy barfs on live TV

Look (said in Fred Armisen’s Barack Obama voice), I haven’t paid much attention to this 6-year-old kid Falcon Heene and his flying saucer-building dad. From the second I heard the story yesterday about the family that not once but twice appeared on the surreality TV show “Wife Swap,” I figured he was likely hiding or the mad scientist dad was just trying to get some attention for his gadget. It was just a little too “Truman Show” to be real.

Turns out, Falcon was hiding after dad had yelled at him, and now the news channels have something to yap about for 48 hours.

Great. Count me out.

However, there is one thing that can draw me in at least for a minute. (Seriously, at this point they are begging me to watch.) The family appeared on “Today” this morning, with dad looking like he’s spent a few too many hours in the Saxon Pub. But dad wasn’t the one with the queasy stomach. At about the six-minute mark of the video, young Falcon vomits, right after calmly asking his mother for a cup. And the interview just keeps rolling along. Between two “Wife Swap” appearances and being exploited on TV after being shamed by his father, I think young Falcon may end up a tad scarred. In terms of famous child “actors,” I’m thinking Falcon will end up a little more Corey Haim than Ron Howard.

Weird.

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September 10, 2009

Idea fail: Texts from Last Night Web site to become TV show

First the Web site “Look at this F—-ing Hipster” gets a book deal, now this.

Desperate to keep up with the zeitgeist of the tech and snark-savvy 20-something (and a lot of 30-somethings, likely) set, Fox TV has bought the rights to develop an adaptation of the popular site Texts From Last Night, according to Variety.

For those not familiar, TextsfromLastNight.com (definitely not safe for work or children), aggregates absurd, obscene and obnoxious texts (alleged texts, I guess) from readers who submit them on the site. The messages are sorted by area code, so you can even go read Austin-specific messages and see if you can decipher if any of them are from or about you.

According to Variety, “In writing the TV version, Holland will loosely base the show’s characters and plot on the whole idea of racy — and sometimes embarrassing — communication, particularly among the twentysomething set. Holland’s other credits include ‘Rules of Engagement’ and ‘Less Than Perfect.’”

OMG, what a ridiculous idea.

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September 1, 2009

What is going on with 'Mad Men'?

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What exactly is going on with “Mad Men”? For those of us who were eagerly awaiting, for what seems like ages, the return of the critically acclaimed AMC hit, it has been a very slow and ambiguous start to season three, to say the least.

While last season got off to a somewhat cryptic start, it at least tantalized audiences and made me long for the next episode. With each episode, and almost every scene, a big reveal constantly felt like it could be around the corner. With this season, barring the Peggy Olson weed smoking bit in episode three (which was well written and perfectly performed by Elisabeth Moss), nothing terribly shocking or even interesting has happened and any revelations of the characters’ interior lives have been rather trite and expected. (I did like the creepy look Peter kept giving to the bosses while dancing, begging for their approval and admiration. Of course, we already know he is a scumbag. Also felt some trippy nostalgia in the bar scene that felt somewhat reminiscent early on of the bar in “The Shining.”)

Matthew Weiner and his crew have done a terrific job of building suspense and intrigue in the show’s first two seasons, while examining some delicious and extreme characters, but the characters all seem wooden and two-dimensional so far this year, and each sequence seems to end on a flat note.

Maybe my trouble comes from having had the benefit of watching the first two seasons on DVD, never having to wait a week for the next episode, but there is so little tension this year, nothing that makes me excited for the coming week. As David Itzkoff writes in his Arts Beat on NYTIMES.com, “Increasingly, Matthew Weiner, a former “Sopranos” producer, and his “Mad Men” writing staff seem to be so enamored with their characters that they are content to assemble them in potentially interesting settings, let the cameras linger on them and hope that an interesting scene emerges. This unhurried strategy may produce the occasionally transcendent image — think of Don and Betty Draper kissing in the moonlight at the end of the episode — but doesn’t do much to advance the internal narrative of the series.”

However, much like my faith in Houston Rockets architect, general manager Daryl Morey, I will give “Mad Men” creator Matthew Weiner the benefit of the doubt and trust that he is building something here that I can solidly get behind. The creepy slowness does give the subtle feel of the quiet before the storm. Maybe Weiner set the kettle to slow burn this season and soon we will all be drenched with the hyper-stylistic drama we fell in love with over the past two years. Let’s hope that is the case, anyways.

Image from AMC.

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July 28, 2009

Is Jon Stewart America's most trusted newscaster?

Following the death of Walter Cronkite, once considered the Most Trusted Man in America, Time did a poll to find out whom Americans consider the most trusted newscaster in the country.

The answer, according to this unscientific poll of over 9,000: Jon Stewart. The comedian outdistanced NBC’s Brian Williams, who has appeared on Stewart’s Comedy Central show multiple times.

Time even went to the trouble of breaking down the voting on a state-by-state basis. For the record, Stewart took 37 of 50 states (tying in Kentucky), including Texas, in which he bested Williams 41 percent to 31 percent.

Poor Katie Couric only won in Iowa. Silver lining: maybe she could get a head start on the 2012 presidential primaries.

Again, the results are not scientific and may be eschewed by the fact that Stewart’s supporters are likely more passionate in their admiration and trust than the fans of the network anchors. They could also be a result of the demographics of Time.com’s readership. Regardless, it is somewhat interesting.

The results:


  • Jon Stewart: 44 percent

  • Brian Williams: 31 percent

  • Charles Gibson: 19 percent

  • Katie Couric: 7 percent

In more Stewart-related news, Slate’s Ron Rosenbaum writes an open letter to Stewart asking the comedian to change his name back to his original Jewish surname, Leibowitz.

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Image from Timepolls.com

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July 24, 2009

Powerful breast cancer tribute on 'So You Think You Can Dance?'

And now for something completely different … sentimentality and dance both covered in my blog.

I don’t watch the juggernaut “So You Think You Can Dance?,” not that there’s anything wrong with the show. Just not my bag. But after being alerted to this video last night at Marita’s house, I had to share the contemporary routine performed by contestants Ade and Melissa.

The piece, a tribute to those diagnosed with breast cancer (note: I do not call them victims, because they are anything but), was choreographed by Emmy-winner Tyce Diorio, who explained, “I just felt compelled to talk about breast cancer and a friend who was faced with it.”

I found the piece incredibly touching on a personal level, as my mother has bravely battled breast cancer with grace, faith and fearlessness I could only hope to approximate should I ever face similar circumstances. She finishes her final round of radiation next week, so the timing could not have been more poignant for me.

The dance, set to Maxwell’s cover of Kate Bush’s “This Woman’s Work,” moved the judges to tears, as well as many of the audience members. I wish the dance could have gone on as long as the judges’ commentaries.

Note: Dick Clark Productions seems to be patrolling YouTube and taking down clips, but this one appears up for now. How long it stays up, I don’t know.


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July 13, 2009

Michael Showalter and Michael Ian Black take product shilling to a new level, God bless 'em

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It’s a big week for comedians Michael Showalter and Michael Ian Black. The two will see the release Tuesday of the long-awaited DVD release of “The State,” their sketch show that aired on MTV from1993 to 1995 (which should make all of you feel very, very old), and they will launch their new show “Michael & Michael Have Issues” on Comedy Central on Wednesday. (Read my review of Michael and Michael at The Mohawk last year.)

I am sure if you would have told the two Michaels 15 years ago that they would still be on TV, they would have been both thrilled and possibly disgusted. I am also pretty sure that if you told them they would be doing live commercials during said show, they would be mortified. C’est la vie.

With all sorts of media scrambling to find ad revenue, it appears the show on Comedy Central will be the first of its kind to feature live adverts, according to AdAge.com.

Sounds like something out of a Simpsons’ Telemundo-satirized bit. “Y super gracias a Goya.”

[From AdAge]


In what is believed to be a first for a scripted series, “Michael & Michael” will feature live commercials during six of its seven episodes, as Messrs. Black and Showalter humorously wax poetic about the virtues of products including Unilever’s Klondike, Dunkin’ Donuts, Mike’s Hard Lemonade and Palm Pre. Klondike will be featured in the premiere episode, and the brand will also sponsor a web micro-series featuring the Michaels riffing on the ice-cream bar’s classic tagline, “What would you do for a Klondike bar?”

Mr. Showalter said the sketch show’s reality-based format provided the actors their first opportunity to put their brand of self-referential meta-humor to work for sponsors. “I think we felt like with this show in particular, since we were playing ourselves making a TV show, we could do something where we’re basically doing promotions for advertisers as ourselves and it wouldn’t necessarily pull you out of the show we’re making,” he said. “We see it as the old-timey ad, the kind you hear on the radio all the time, where we just stand there and talk right to the camera, ‘This is the product, and this is why it’s great.’”

Jeff Lucas, Comedy Central’s exec VP-ad sales, said Messrs. Showalter and Black have been more proactive than most talent when it comes to openness to product integration.
“Michael and Michael are very forward-thinking. They’ve been doing this a long time, and they also know the economic realities of television, so they know want to play ball,” Mr. Lucas said. “This helps them, it helps us and, most importantly, it helps our advertisers get their message across in a new and innovative way.”

If this is what it takes for the two “alternative comics” to bring their meta-humor back to the small screen, so be it.

To be honest, at least they are being as up front as possible about their commercial messaging, as opposed to shows like “Chuck,” which use product placement in them which, despite the wink and a smile, turn out to be rather stomach turning.

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July 10, 2009

News anchor says a very discomfiting 'goodbye'

Ron Burgundy called. He wants his bit back.

This is probably the strangest sign-off and profession of love I have seen in a long, long time.

So, Mike Snyder is leaving the NBC station in Dallas. Probably a time to get a little misty. After all, he has been doing the news there for 30 years.

Wait, this just in …

Snyder is not actually leaving the station. He is gone from the 10 p.m. show, but will still be around for the 5 and 6 p.m. broadcasts. He says he is doing it to “pursue other interests” and attend dinners and Indian Princess gatherings with his daughters. Pursue other interests? Like … catching “Murder She Wrote” reruns at 8 p.m.?

Sounds like a typical sports coach saying he is “choosing to leave” to spend more time with his family. But what do I know?

From the looks of this video, you would think he was about to undergo experimental surgery or ship off to Afghanistan.

Narcissism doesn’t really get any better than this.

I don’t know what else to say, really. Except, “I love you, Jane.” (That will be my new catchphrase for the second half of 2009, by the way.)

Roll the tape …

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May 19, 2009

'American Idol' finale live chat

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Padma Lakshmi and Carl's Jr.: An unholy marriage

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This just in … men love sex and bacon.

Using the word sell-out is so ’90s. Method Man and Redman shill deodorant. Gene Hackman wants you to shop at Lowe’s. Of Montreal pimps Outback Steakhouse. In this day and age, nothing is all that shocking. People need money, and who am I to begrudge them for how they go about getting it? If Robert DeNiro wants to make “Meet the Fockers,” so be it. Hell, I’d do a Hello Kitty commercial if they offered me enough (any) money. But sometimes, certain stars in certain ads just make my head spin, and I’m not talking about Nicolas Cage’s run of ads in Japan.

Last night, while fast forwarding through the commercials of the “24” season finale (anti-climactic as all hell, by the way), I thought I saw the most incongruous vision imaginable: Indian born model/foodie/TV presenter Padma Lakshmi and a Carl’s Jr. burger. I remember Carl’s Jr. from my days at University of Southern California, but did not realize they had gone national. I had to rewind the footage.

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Sure enough, there she was. A woman who grew up a vegetarian in India, has written a cookbook (which I’ve used) and by all accounts should be promoting local farmers and delicious, if not always healthy, food, lustily getting after a $6 Carl’s Jr. bacon cheeseburger. (Paris Hilton did an equally scandalous ad for the chain a few years back. But, she has no credibility anyhow.) I’ve interviewed Lakshmi and believe she is a lovely woman with a refined palate, and figured she was doing pretty well financially. I guess I was wrong about the latter. Or maybe you can never do too well financially. I would guess she made about $250,000 for the spot, but I have no earthly idea.

Am I just acting like a naive fool in my shock? I don’t want to condemn Lakshmi for making the choices she makes to support herself, I guess I am just utterly shocked at the bizarre pairing of the woman and the product. At the end of the day, it comes down to whether the ad worked. Well, it did get my attention. But I wouldn’t say it sold me on the burger, although I probably won’t fast-forward through the commercial next time. Mute it? Likely. And who knows, if Lakshmi can stoop from “Top Chef” to Carl’s Jr., maybe she could make the downgrade from Salman Rushdie to an unknown blogger.

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March 3, 2009

Jimmy Fallon wades into the late night television waters

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Whether you choose to call it historic or not, last night’s premiere of “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” was a big moment in television history. For the first time in 27 years, neither David Letterman or Conan O’Brien’s face graced the airwaves at 11:30 CST.

Letterman and O’Brien both revolutionized the position of late night talk show host with their own brands of absurdist humor and rapport with guests. With Letterman long since moved to CBS and O’Brien moving to Los Angeles to take Jay Leno’s place, former “Saturday Night Live” cast member Fallon has found himself in the catbird’s seat.

Most remember the boyish Fallon as an over-laugher on “SNL” who could never keep a straight face in sketches, so it was somewhat curious that he landed one of the sweetest gigs in television. Of course, Letterman arrived to NBC as an unknown (outside of the few who had seen his short-lived NBC morning show) from the Midwest (by way of a brief stint in L.A.) in 1982, and O’Brien had worked behind the scenes as a writer on “SNL,” so Fallon does bring with him as much bona fides as those two. Yet with that prior recognition come people’s previously held opinions of the guy. Fallon’s charge will be to keep viewers who thought he was cute and charming on “SNL,” while trying to convince those who are lukewarm on the guy to give him a new shot.

Fallon’s show opened with a segment featuring him preparing for his show in his new dressing room, while O’Brien slowly and sullenly removed the remaining personal effects from the space that was his for 16 years. The back-and-forth between the new kid in town and the old veteran mostly highlighted O’Brien’s self-effacing wit, but was a nice touch on both men’s part to recognize Conan’s importance and Fallon’s reverence. The best line, maybe of the entire show, came when Fallon asked Conan if he’d be moving into Jay Leno’s old dressing room in L.A., to which Conan sheepishly (with a tinge of faux anger) responded, “Jay isn’t leaving” — a line that perfectly encapsulated the feelings of many O’Brien devotees (and possible the host himself) who thought the tall redhead got the shaft by moving to L.A. only to find Leno still maintaining a spot on NBC’s late night roster as a lead-in.

(Thanks to the power of Hulu, you can watch the entire episode of Fallon’s first show here.)

The title sequence for the show was a high-speed drive through downtown New York City with flashing neon lights and quick edits that had the feel of a hyperactive “SNL” open. Fallon walked out to the center of the highly polished wood stage of his classy and intimate set and acknowledged The Roots. As a sign that this show would definitely try to appeal to a different generation than Conan’s, the legendary hip-hop band from Philadelphia will be Fallon’s house band. On a somewhat sad note for Roots fans, NBC has apparently refused to pay royalties for their original songs, so the band is writing 200 new pieces of music to use as bumper/bed music, or as drummer ?uestlove calls them, “sandwich music.” So, while we won’t be treated to anything from “Things Fall Apart” or “Game Theory,” we will be treated to some of the more funked out music late night television has seen.

The monologue opened with Fallon saying that he woke up to a snowy morning in New York and had hoped for a snow day. While he obviously had a case of the jitters, probably compounded by unruly audience members shouting out during his jokes, Fallon made it through his first monologue unscathed and, surprisingly, without cracking at his own jokes. After a news-literate joke about Rush Limbaugh calling him to say he wish he failed, Fallon’s first big joke of the monologue went a little something like this: “President Obama wants to bring troops home from Iraq in 18 months, when the troops found out, they said, ‘Thank you, but the economy is better over here.’” And we’re off. Not a hysterical line, but delivered at a nice pace and with a wry grin, not as hackneyed as Leno or as playfully jaded as Letterman.

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Then he got The Roots into the act, leaving the traditional set-up and punchline joke and doing a segment he calls “Slow Jamming the News,” in which he does some spoken word-style reading of the news in a loungey voice rife with sexual double entendre and accompanied by Tariq from The Roots singing a soulful and sensual punchline. A similar bit has been done on “The Daily Show,” but the musical chops of Tariq and the ease of the two men playing together worked well. Whether this bit becomes tiresome, we shall see.

Before welcoming his first guest, Fallon did a bit from his desk called “Target Demographic,” in which he explained that executives were trying to target blonde housewives. After pointing out a row of said fair-headed ladies planted in the audience, there was a taped “research department film” segment that employed voiceover from Fallon’s emcee while lampooning blonde housewife stereotypes. (Eg. “They purchase expensive items like minivans, but also everyday items like yogurt, Williams-Sonoma flatware, personalized checks and discreet dolphin tattoos that say I’m two chardonnays away from ruining your wedding”)

From the graphic, it appears this “Target Demographic” segment may be a recurring bit in which he lampoons various stereotypes. I don’t have very high hopes. After a break, Fallon introduced the show’s first “game,” leading me to believe these “game show-style games” will be a regular segment. On the opening night, the game in question was “Lick it for $10,” in which studio members come on stage to lick household items, office supplies, etc. for $10. It was as lame as it sounds. Hopefully the games improved.

After the first two bits, the show was feeling a bit like a rehashed “SNL” episode, and that was only enhanced when Fallon’s first guest, Robert DeNiro, graced the stage. The two had scripted a bit wherein Fallon would ask DeNiro simple questions that required one-word answers, thus lampooning DeNiro’s propensity for reticence and brevity. Stumbling through this, Fallon then digressed to some weird DeNiro genuflecting and suffered a horrible bout of forehead flop sweat and nerves that left him resembling Chris Farley from the old “Chris Farley Show” segment on “SNL.” Following the awkward interview, there was a brief sketch in which Fallon and DeNiro did a scene from a never-released film they did together. It had something to do with space and the humor was supposed to come from the idea that Fallon could land a role in a movie with DeNiro, who would presumably never deign to lower himself to such levels. Unfortunately, the irony that art was imitating life was a bit too discomfiting to endure.

Things picked up considerably when second guest Justin Timberlake came out. The magnetic Timberlake showed great ease in helping Fallon to generate laughs with hilarious send-ups of John Mayer and Michael McDonald, of whom J.T. did a spot-on imitation with an impromptu beer commercial parody as The Roots bust out McDonald’s “I Keep Forgetting (We’re Not In Love Anymore.)” Definitely the highlight of the night (though DeNiro looked like he’d pay $50,000 for someone to drag him off the set). Maybe Fallon should see if his NBC bosses will pay Timberlake, with whom the host has a great chemistry dating back to “SNL,” $20 million a season to be his sidekick. The actual performing musical guest was Van Morrison, a nice (and obviously personal) get who played “Sweet Thing.”

Fallon may never be as acerbic or as quick as Letterman. He may never play brainy and disarming as well as O’Brien has all these years. But I think he will eventually find his voice and a level of comfort that can hopefully temper his overly eager-to-please schoolboy persona. The strikes against Fallon seem to be that he is a little too cute, a little too safe, a little too been-there-done-that.

Unlike O’Brien, who was able to capture the imaginations of college-aged kids and 20-somethings with his brand of Dada-esque humor, the affable Fallon is having to present himself to young people who have already been segmented and distracted by 1,000 different memes. They have seen all the Internet videos, read all the snarky blogs. Hell, most of them have created their own entertainment content online. There is nothing new under the sun. Fallon’s challenge will not be to re-invent the wheel or himself, but to make people feel comfortable enough with him that they are willing to spend an hour with him each night as they wind down their evenings. His role will be to make the familiar comforting and not boring, and if he can get people to let down their guard, they just may find his style is a welcome addition to the late night landscape.

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March 2, 2009

Sarah Silverman and team fighting budget cuts, threatening holdout

Sarah Silverman’s Jewish. And farts are funny. And irony is just so ironic. After watching an episode or two of “The Sarah Silverman Program,” those are my main takeaways. While I may not be a fan, there are certainly thousands who enjoy the comic’s sketch show, but that may all soon come to an end.

Reuters is reporting that “the economic downturn is jeopardizing [the show] one of Comedy Central’s signature series.”

Apparently Comedy Central came to Silverman and her executive producers and told her that the show’s budget will be cut by more than 20 percent for the upcoming season, the series’ third.

[from Reuters]

At the center of the holdup is the proposed budget for Season 3. Citing cuts imposed on the network by parent company MTV Networks, Comedy Central had proposed that the trio bring back the Writers Guild of America Award-nominated show at about $850,000 an episode, sources said, down from the $1.1 million an episode for the show’s second season. In broadcast, single-camera comedies are produced for about $1.5 million-$2 million an episode, and the budget for any series normally climbs from year to year.

“Sarah Silverman” is a single-camera comedy that also features animated sequences and musical numbers.

The contracting ad market is hitting networks hard. MTV Networks’ parent Viacom in December laid off 7% of its work force, though Comedy Central largely was spared because it had been through the ringer following the 2003 acquisition of Time Warner’s 50% ownership in the network and had little left to cut.

Amid the economic woes, ABC Studios and 20th TV asked all of their showrunners to cut 2% of their series budgets.

Concerned they won’t be able to maintain the integrity of the show at the discounted price, Silverman, on behalf of the three executive producers, informed the network late last week that they can’t proceed with a third season. The move reportedly sent shock waves through Comedy Central’s executive offices, with top brass jumping into action to find a budget compromise that would keep the flagship live-action series on the air.

As of Friday night, the situation remained at a standstill. Both sides continued their back-and-forth during the weekend.

A resolution is expected as early as Monday, and people familiar with the situation were optimistic that the two sides would agree on financial terms to bring back the show.

They don’t feel they can maintain the “integrity” of the show if the budget is cut so drastically? That’s cute. Kinda like Silverman’s show. Kind of.

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August 6, 2008

Confessions of a junkie

I have spent hour upon hour upon hour locked inside my dark living room for the past month, interrupted only by quick visits to my local dealer for a fix and to the kitchen for rehydration supplies. I have a problem, and I’m big enough to admit it.

I’m addicted to “The Wire.” I know my chase of the dragon is about six years later than many, but after listening to and reading the (this season’s political buzzword) full-throated endorsements of the show by friends and critics for years, I finally fell into the abyss that is addiction to one of the most engaging and intelligent shows in the history of television. Once upon a time I battled with a brief addiction to “24,” but that show is the Pixy Stix of TV narcotics compared to “The Wire.” After renting the first disc of Season 1 just a few weeks ago, I have now watched every episode of the Peabody Award-winning show’s first four seasons.

Created by David Simon, the HBO show, for those of you who have been living under a rock, explores the socio-political dynamics of Baltimore set against the city’s police department and its relationship with the community and the criminal justice system. Very simply stated, the show has an incredible ability to weave multiple compelling narratives while dramatizing the social issues that have led to the plight of Charm City’s crumbling inner city. Generally refusing to pass judgment on many of the characters (with the exception of corrupt politicians), “The Wire” instead portrays most as victims of circumstance, caught up in a zero-sum game that leaves everyone frustrated with a cemetery’s worth of bodies in their wake. The writing, acting and cinematography all represent the best of what TV can be, with each show engaging the emotions and intellect of the breathless viewer in the way the best crime novels do.

As I neared the end of Season 4 last weekend, I took a few breaks, slowly stringing out the final remnants of the fuel to my addiction. Imagine my relief, joy and surprise then when upon returning the last of the discs to I Love Video, I was told that Season 5 would be coming out next Tuesday, Aug. 12. Until then I guess I can go back and listen to the commentaries to keep the shakes at bay.

(If you haven’t watched “The Wire,” get thee to a video store post haste. But make sure to block out a few weeks from your social calendar in advance. And stock the fridge. As an aside: I find it sad, weird, troubling and ridiculous that several of the actors from the show are not getting stronger film parts now. That should, and I hope will, change.)

Photos: Meet the cast of “The Wire”

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July 30, 2008

Austin author appears on 'The Daily Show'

If you were watching “The Daily Show” last night, you may have seen a silver-haired gentleman with a bit of a Texas-Kentucky hybrid accent talking to Jon Stewart about how Americans are becoming segregated by their beliefs. That kindly gentleman was Austinite and former Statesman staffer (and O.G. blogger) Bill Bishop, author of “The Big Sort: Why the Clustering of Like-Minded America is Tearing Us Apart.” Bishop examines how people sort themselves “largely according to lifestyle, and that correlates these days with politics. The net result is that moderation is out and homogeneity is in,” according to Bishop.

In a nod to his city of residence, Bishop even referenced a Statesman article about how gun sales have been strong in the Austin area this summer due to some buyers’ fears that the next administration could tighten gun regulations.

Check out the video of Bishop below, as well as this informative article from The Economist. If you are more aurally inclined, check out the engaging podcast my good friend did with Bishop for the The Economist, direct from Austin’s own The Green Muse coffee shop.

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June 30, 2008

Your chance to win ACL taping tix

Who isn’t streaming online content these days? Even my fiance’s cat has a vlog. Naturally, public television is looking to make its mark on the online video movement. The wonderful folks over at Austin’s KLRU, known for their community building and innovative programming, are hoping to get some feedback from you, their loyal viewers, to help them determine the direction of their online video efforts.

KLRU is currently conducting an online survey to determine the future of their online video content. If you complete the survey, you will be automatically entered into a drawing to receive guaranteed tickets to an upcoming Austin City Limits taping. And that’s no small prize. Anyone who has been to an ACL taping can tell you that there is no better way to see one of your favorite bands than at an ACL taping. From the size of the crowd, to the comfortable seats, perfect sound and free beer, the KLRU studios can’t be beat.

So, jump on over to the 15-question survey. It’ll only take about 10 minutes, and you’ll be doing your small part to help local public television and maybe win a chance to see a band at the best venue in town.

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May 22, 2007

'The Bachelor' Recap: Season finale

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The Roman Empire, the Michael Jordan era, polio. All things must come to an end. And so it is that we have come to the season finale of America’s favorite anachronistic, misogynistic television program.

Tonight’s episode promises to be “the most romantic season finale ever!” Why you gotta go and hurt season four’s feelings like that, ABC? Since it is the two-hour finale of the most predictable finale ever (not to alienate any of my readers, but let’s put it this way, Bevin is the 2004 St. Louis Cardinals in this little experiment) and there is plenty of time to kill, we get some serious filler that shows the back-story of Andy’s courtship of Bevin (Salty Dog) and Tessa (Winnie Cooper). For those not keeping score at home, Salty Dog is a borderline psychotic maniac who would stop at nothing to maneuver her way into Andy’s pants heart, and Winnie has been more than a little reticent in coming around to her feelings for Lt. Loveboat.

Having met the girls’ parents, Andy takes each of them home to Quaker Country to meet his family for the final test. Not surprisingly, Lt. Vanilla grew up in a vanilla family, that lives in a vanilla house, situated in the center of vanillaville. Andy’s mom confesses that she has known for the past couple of years that Andy was ready to get married and have a family. Really, what tipped her off? All of the applications for reality television shows? The crazy amount of time spent on Eharmony.com?

Winnie gets the first crack at Andy’s family and is excited to see Andy in this element as she feels that seeing how he interacts with his family will tell her a lot about him. Yeah, it will tell you a lot about how he interacts with his family on camera. The family seems instantly taken with Winnie, with Mrs. Arnold having to excuse herself for simply staring and admiring her beauty. Even Andy’s septuagenarian grandfather seems enlivened by Winnie and regales Andy with some story about how he met his wife the exact same way, although it was presumably a reality radio program sponsored by the Ford Edsel. Unfortunately, papa forgets one of the first rules about dinner conversation and decides to ask Winnie about her religious affiliation. Come on, papa, no talk about religion, sex or politics at dinner, even if you do think anyone in their right mind supports President Eisenhower. Winnie stumbles ever so slightly on the very job-interviewy question about where she sees her life in five years. Why didn’t they just ask her when the last time she used creative solution to solve a problem, or if she was a shoe, what kind of shoe would she be? The lunch ended smoothly, and the family showered Winnie with rice as she made her way back to the car.

Following Winnie’s bravura performance, Salty Dog gets her crack at making her wanna-be future in-laws ooh and ah. Unfortunately, she thinks the best way to do this is by talking about her work with sexual dysfunction. Looks like papa and Salty Dog need to find a room to go sit and talk about the awkward taboo dinner subjects mentioned earlier. Not to be outdone, papa again asks Andy’s could-be future wife about her religious affiliation, and Salty Dog explains that she was raised in the Bahai Faith. Crickets. Despite Salty Dog’s uneasy going, Andy lavishes her with attention and kisses and does his best to convince his family that he has a real connection with this poor ol’ thing who has gone through so much, what with coming from a broken home and being lower-middle class and all. Looks to me like Lt. Lovesick has got a bad case of Florence Nightingale syndrome. In retrospect, Salty Dog faking an ankle injury in the early episodes was the smartest thing she did all season. As she is interrogated by the family, Salty Dog admits that she first felt a true connection with Andy around the time of the third rose ceremony. Thank god this show is ending. Listening to people talk about their fake television relationships in terms of episodes is beginning to boggle my mind.

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Salty Dog says her goodbyes and tells the camera that the next time she sees the Baldwin family, it may be with a ring on her finger. Or with cuffs on her wrists. After she leaves, the Baldwin family goes into full crisis mode, coyly attempting to sway Andy from picking Salty. His mother is encouraging in that she wants the woman whom her son marries to be “nuts about him.” Oh, don’t worry, mom, this girl’s nuts all right. But as has been the case throughout the show, it seems that Andy is in love with Salty Dog for only that reason. He loves the fact that she loves him. Not the best foundation for a long-term relationship, if you ask me. Andy can’t help but acknowledge that he feels a fire in his soul for Salty Dog. Um, Andy, I hate to break it to you, but your soul resides about two feet above that place where you’re feeling all the fire. Papa seems to latch on to this realization as well and gives the best advice of the show, telling his grandson that while the passion and fire may be fun and hot now, what happens when the physical infatuation dies? It’s at this point that I suggest Salty Dog try out for ABC’s next hit show, “The Mistress.”

Andy’s sister also makes a sly run at trying to talk Andy into choosing Winnie, while Mr. Baldwin simply throws in the towel after a long day of boozing and televised socializing and tells his son that he “can’t make a wrong decision.” He then grabs his slowly melting ice cream sandwich and dutifully goes upstairs to take a bath and read a Tom Clancy novel that features servicemen who would not be caught dead getting engaged on television to a woman with whom they’ve gone on four dates. Even with the family weighing in, Andy remains as confused and buzzed as ever. The family doesn’t need to give Andy any more input at this point, they need to get Jeff VanVonderon on the phone.

Andy returns to Oahu for a final date with each of the ladies before making his life-changing decision. He has a surprise for Salty Dog, who is wildly afraid of heights: a helicopter ride. Salty responds like a child who was forced to the edge of a high dive and told that her dog was hit by a car. And that she has to change schools. Pure, unadulterated panic. Good times. Speaking of, after buzzing the island, Andy asks Salty Dog what she sees in her future. (We see therapy, for what it’s worth.) She tells him that she foresees “good times and happiness,” which seems to strike her as very odd considering she has seemingly not experienced either of those things before. Moved by her love for him, Salty Dog offers Andy a gift, a watch that she says he can use to know what time it is. Oh, so it’s that kind of watch, not the kind that cleans your teeth or irons your pants or something? Odd contraption, that. She also uses her final opportunity to drop the “L Bomb” on Andy. He asks her if she’s serious and then shyly tells her that he loves her, as well. Wherever Andy and Winnie Cooper are right now, you better believe there is some serious tension. Of course, Andy could always just blame it on the booze. Salty Dog finishes her final time with sailor boy with the proclamation that “there’s no chance in hell that he’d leave me standing without a rose.” In other news, Salty Dog has also predicted that the Seattle Supersonics will win the 2007 NBA Championship.

Andy enters his final date with Winnie Cooper hoping for some clarity before making his decision. There is no more time for baby steps. Seriously, Winnie, for God’s sake. You have been out with this boy four times on television, and he just told some other girl he loves her, and you don’t know if you’re ready to spend the rest of your life with him? Wimp. The couple enjoys a nice horseback ride along the beach, followed by some frivolity in the water and lots of talk about how important this journey has been, how much the journey means, how big a risk the journey was. For those who have not yet caught on, apparently there is a clause in their contract whereby they must always, always, always refer to the show as a journey. Never once do you hear someone say, “Well, I came on the show to see if I could find love.” It’s a journey, damn it!

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Near the end of the date, Winnie decides against a fancy gift (probably paid for by the producers) and gives Andy a homemade picture collage of the two of them and their time on the show, er, journey. Andy acts like a kid who just got his first Big Wheel and says he has never, ever, nerver received a gift like this. Apparently he never had a little sis’ in a sorority or ever had a girlfriend in junior high. Winnie also decides now is the time to finally open up and tell Andy that she has fallen in love with him. He thinks that is “so freaking cool” and tells her, yep, you guessed it, that he loves her, too. It’s like Andy was in love with Salty Dog’s desperate infatuation, but he kept waiting and hoping Winnie Cooper would come around. Sure enough. Someone’s gonna get hurt. And her name’s Bevin.

Before Andy finally drops the hammer on Salty Dog, he goes shopping for a diamond engagement ring, as he has finally made up his mind. As he picks out the perfect stone for the woman he has known for almost a month, the women fret back at the resort. Salty Dog says she believes that she and Andy were meant for each other and that fate brought them together. Hate to break it you, Salty, but a casting producer brought you together. Winnie bemoans the fact that she did not open up sooner and hopes it all works out for the best as she does not want to leave Hawaii broken-hearted.

Andy returns and takes his place oceanside as the sun sets. A limousine pulls up and deposits a rough-looking Salty Dog, who makes her way to meet her future husband the guy who is going to break her heart. Andy begins his break-up speech with tears in his eyes and, after telling Salty Dog that he loves her, confesses that there is another whom he loves even more. Ouch. He continues with trite lines like, “It’s been such a privilege to feel the way I’ve felt about you,” and “This is not a rejection.” Meanwhile, Salty Dog can hardly breathe. She is utterly crushed and is unable to say a word to Andy as he escorts her to the limousine that will take her back to her destroyed life. Since she cannot talk, I took the liberty of guessing as to her internal monologue.

Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok. This is ok. Ok, ok. I’m ok. Oh my god! Ok. What? WHAT? Ok, I was in the red dress. I had my girdle on. I walked down the path like the man said. Who was he again…? Nevermind. Then Andy said this isn’t a rejection. So that means he picked….me…why am I in this car if he picked me. Wait…he picked her? Not me. Not again. Am I still on TV? Will I still be on TV? They can make me another series…like…like “I Love New York”…but mine will be…ummm, “I’m in Heaven (when I’m with Bevin).” Or something like that. And then Andy will see. And he’ll come on and court me in the second season. And I will “not reject” him! YEAH! I can’t believe my fairytale wonderland journey is over…is this a limo? Am I in a limo…do I get to keep it? Hello? This keeps happening to me. I will cut them. As long as I live I will never forget her face….Tessa…Tessa…we will meet again.

As Winnie Cooper arrives to meet her destiny, Salty Dog has finally found her words. “I should have known how this was gonna end. He doesn’t love me. I said things to a man I don’t normally say (like the truth about your past?). I had no idea. It just hurts. You just love somebody, and they don’t love you back, and that’s painful.” Well, I guess I’ll take her word for it, but from the looks of things, yep, it hurts. That’s why you don’t go on television to try to compete with 25 other women to find a husband in four weeks. But I guess I’m just old-fashioned that way. My suggestion to any man with a 401(k) and a full set of teeth, get a flight to the Bay Area and start searching the bars for Salty Dog. She’s a mess right now. And I think she just “broke” her ankle again.

Back at the happy place, Andy tells Winnie that it is now just the two of them and that he loves and wants to marry her. The sun sets on a montage of the couple’s handful of dates, and they ride off on a white unicorn into a rainbow in the sky to presumably live happily ever after. You can find out tonight if that’s really the case on the after-the-dust-settled special. But me? I’m done.

Aloha.

“Miss” any of the previous episodes? Check out my recaps here: Episode #7 | Episode #6 | Episode #5 | Episode #4 | Episode #3 | Episode #2

And, now, for no good reason, this…

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May 14, 2007

'The Bachelor': Episode No. 7 recap

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With only weeks left until he has to find a bride, the pressure is on Lieutenant Love Boat as tonight’s episode kicks off with Andy proclaiming that he wants the ladies to see how he lives and to understand what being the wife of a naval officer is all about.

From the previews, it appears that type of life has less to do with dealing with odd hours, understanding that the Navy comes first and being a good mom, and more to do with jumping off of waterfalls and eating sushi. Sounds like a pretty easy gig.

Andy takes all three ladies (separately, of course, this is the final three) to the site of the USS Arizona Memorial at Pearl Harbor to start the weekend of frivolity. Apparently, producers felt it was important to show some solemnity before we got to all the booze and breasts. Each is dutifully touched by the sentiment, and this is the only scene we get that has anything to do with the U.S. Navy. So much for Andy’s proclamation that it is “all about being a U.S. Naval officer.” That stuff doesn’t play on TV, pal, sorry.

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In the first of the three one-on-one overnight dates, Andy and Tessa (“Winnie Cooper”) head to the hills for some Outward Bound starter kit exercises, including a zip line and a trek across a suspension bridge. As the intrepid couple navigates the suspension bridge, they comment lovingly that the endeavor is akin to their relationship. Shaky? Bored? Man-made? Winnie and Andy then retreat to a mountainside, where Andy introduces her to a bit of the native tongue, teaching her to say “Pau Hana.” What does it mean? Trust? Understanding? Patience? Love? Wrong, but thanks for playing. Had you said “happy hour,” you would have been right.

In an interesting development, Winnie makes it quite clear that she wants to be “here at the end.” Apparently, the change from frigid D.C. to the sunny confines of the Aloha State has brought about a change in our young front-runner. The couple while away the sunset drinking champagne and talking about how much they make each other laugh. Apparently, the laughter and authentic enjoyment these two feel while in each other’s company is being saved for the director’s cut DVD.

Back at the resort, Andy marvels at Winnie’s beauty, admitting that he loved her tomboy side, but to see her at dinner all dressed up, he feels like he’s a king and she’s his queen. There seems to be a very patriarchal and antiquated theme in the way Andy thinks about the male-female relationship, a feeling of ownership. Overwhelmed by Winnie’s beauty and candor regarding her growing feelings, Lt. Love Boat does his best Mr. Roarke and offers Winnie a key to the Fantasy Suite. She accepts, and the couple retreats to the Jacuzzi bath tub for the night. In their bathing suits.

Next up on the love merry-go-round is Danielle (“Crude Attempts”). General Goofball and Crude Attempts take a boat trip in which we learn that dolphins may be Crude Attempt’s favorite animal. Fascinating. She professes that the experience is a dream come true for her. Really? Ever since childhood, or even as a woman in your 20s, the dream you’ve always had is of being in the final three on a reality dating program? Surrounded by cameras? With your imminent expulsion from Fantasy Island casting a pall over everything you do? Dream big, ladies. Shame on you, ABC.

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During their boat trip, Crude Attempts once again brings up her dead boyfriend. That-a-way to stay at it, girl. Pick a theme and commit. In talking about her previous tragedy, Crude Attempts tells Andy about how a psychic predicted that, after her loss, she would meet two men, and the second would be the one she married. Mind-boggling. A psychic used her amazing powers of perception to figure that, in your late 20s, you would meet a couple of me and probably marry the one you meet last? What are the odds? Pretty good, I imagine. But with the relatively obvious nature of that revelation, set to the muzak version of the Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes hit (from the movie “An Officer and a Gentleman,” no less) “Up Where We Belong,” it’s enough to make even the boldest skeptic believe in the power of made-for-TV love. Just not this one. As the muzak fades to commercial, Andy admits that he could spend the rest of his life with Crude Attempts. Yeah, if a porpoise kills the other two women sitting by the pool at the Princeville Resort.

Apparently, Andy still has his skepticism, too, as he has reserved a third seat at their beachside dinner for, you guessed it: a psychic. A woman then shows up with a deck of regular playing cards. Yikes. Crude Attempts tries to act excited by the mystery of it all, but you’ve got to feel for the girl. How would you like to have your life’s fate decided by a woman who looks like she just popped over from her smoke break as a $5-table blackjack dealer at Harrah’s Kauai? This second in a long line of soothsayers in Crude Attempts’ life sees that she has a little sadness in her past and that she could be feeling apprehension. Yet another pearl of uncanny wisdom from a fortune teller. You mean to tell me that she could see that a woman who has gone on TV to find a husband and is almost 30 might have had enough life experience to endure sadness and be feeling just a tad apprehensive? What with the cameras and strangers (including Andy) staring at her? Oh, and the two other women. Shocking.

After they part ways with Miss Cleo, Hervé Villechaize comes out and escorts the couple to the Fantasy Suite. It’s classic watching Andy feign amazement at the suite after spending the previous night in an almost identical room with a different woman. Once inside, Crude Attempts engages Andy in small talk about how many kids he would like, which brings out the sex tiger in Andy. Nothing like children talk to get ol’ Andy’s motor running.

The final overnight date belongs to Bevin (“Salty Dog”). The couple hikes through a rainforest, wherein they are amazed to find it raining, and Andy asks Salty Dog if she would love to live there with him. Wow. As the kids say, I guess I won’t hate the player, but Salty Dog had the look in her eyes as if she thought Ed McMahon was gonna walk out of the forest with a big prop check and balloons would fall from the trees. No, Salty Dog, you have not yet won; Andy just wanted to keep you on your toes. He also wants to get you in a bikini, so the couple goes diving off of a miniature cliff into a pool of water. What transpires next is a bit of groping that resembles something you might see on a soft-core porn channel produced by Hallmark. Salty Dog admits that she is ready to take her life to the next level and get married (again) and have kids (for the first time, as far as we know).

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After their Tarzan and Jane date, Andy and Salty Dog enjoy the standard fireside luau on the beach. Andy’s got some hard questions to ask Salty Dog, but first he wants to spend a little time bumping and grinding on her like a rhythmless 15-year-old boy drunk on wine coolers for the first time. Hey, Andy, Navin R. Johnson called, he wants his dance moves back. The dirty dancing done, the couple has a very similar dinner to the other two, but this time with a bit of a condescending twist. Andy tells Salty Dog that he realizes she has “stumbled in the past,” and he is curious as to her commitment to making a marriage work again. Ouch. Nothing like exposing a secret about yourself only to have someone passively aggressively judge you by it later. Hey, Andy, Thomas Jefferson once said something about not being able to live up to the moral standards that he holds for others. Or something like that. I don’t know; I’m sure they’ve got the Internet on that ship of yours. Look it up. His trepidation about Salty Dog being an unclean woman with a shameful past washed away with a few more drinks, Andy invites Salty Dog to — you guessed it — the Fantasy Suite. Dude is batting 1.000.

With all of the dates having gone as well as Lt. Love Sick could have hoped, he is terribly conflicted. With a run along the beach not doing the trick to clear his mind, Andy calls in his friend Karch Kiraly to play sounding board. Actually, dude’s name is “Gatsby.” As any good consigliere would, Gatsby asks Andy which woman he’d like to see welcoming him at the finish line of an Ironman triathlon. Andy is perplexed, but he feels his friend has honed in on what this search is all about and admits that he wants a woman who will be there with his kids at the finish line and revel in his glory. The whole thing is like some “Father Knows Best” for the LiveStrong generation dream sequence. Gatsby seems confident Andy will make the right choice but is adamant in insisting that he pick “Daisy.”

All good things must come to an end, unfortunately, and Andy lines up the women on the beach for the penultimate rose ceremony. After he offers a rose to Salty Dog and Winnie Cooper, it is curtains for Crude Attempts, who was last seen on the Wikki Wikki shuttle at the Honolulu airport mumbling something about psychics and dead people.

Next week’s big finale promises a bit of intrigue as Lt. Love Shark takes the final two contestants back to his home of Lancaster, Pa., where it seems his conservative family is entranced by Winnie Cooper’s beauty and completely nonplussed by Salty Dog having grown up practicing the B’Hai faith. Oh, Salty Dog, will your delicious and confounding secrets never end?

“Miss” any of the previous episodes? Check out my recaps here: Episode #6 | Episode #5 | Episode #4 | Episode #3 | Episode #2

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May 8, 2007

'The Bachelor': Episode #6 recap

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It seems it was just a few weeks ago that the Bachelor was surrounded by 25 women desperately begging for his attention. Wait, it was just a few weeks ago. Now the numbers have been winnowed to four, and the lucky ladies face their biggest challenge yet: introducing Andy to their families. You think trying to out-make-out a fellow 20-something thirsty for “love” and TV fame was nerve-racking? That’s but a pittance compared to the pressure of having “the man of your dreams” with whom you have such an “amazing connection” meet your folks. God, please don’t let Uncle Randy get drunk and all hands-y; don’t let Mom embarrass me by showing him my pimply headgear class pictures; don’t let Dad scare him by taking him out to his shed; don’t let my sister try and steal him. The God-please-don’ts are almost endless.

Andy is looking forward to getting some “perspective” on his Final Four. All of the concerns that have plagued him lo these many days continue: Is Tessa (aka Winnie Cooper) sincere? Is the connection with Bevin (aka Salty Dog) purely physical? Is Amber (aka Beaches) mature enough? Would Danielle (aka Crude Attempts) make a better friend than lifelong partner? So many decisions, so few commercial breaks. Let’s see how the families affect things.

Lt. Love Boat arrives in Washington state to meet Salty Dog at a lush park featuring a majestic waterfall, whereupon he pronounces that “he’s in heaven when he’s with Bevin.” Look, producers, I’m not gonna warn you again. Enough with the scripted lines. I’ll shut this blog down right now, do you hear me?

Salty Dog tells Andy about how she and her friends used to come down to the waterfall in high school to “talk and hike, etc.” (read: smoke weed and drink lite beer) Andy then naively asks if she has ever taken a boy to the falls. Look, Lieutenant, don’t ask questions to which you don’t want to know the answers. Of course, Salty Dog lies and tells him he’s her first. How perfect unrealistic.

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Pleasantries aside, Salty Dog decides it is finally time to tell the Bachelor her little secret about her past. She states that honesty is very important to her (when timed appropriately, it appears) and then proceeds do to a tap dance that would make Fred Astaire blush. “We’ve all had pasts … I was once a teenager,” blah blah blah. She then does a clumsy job of explaining how she had gotten married as a teenager (and subsequently divorced), and goes on with the whole trite “I wouldn’t change any of it; I learned so much” routine. But she never explains the history behind the marriage or the divorce. Nothing like forced honesty that does not reveal the whole truth. Sketchy.

Mr. All-American takes the news in stride, though he does tell her that he sees marriage as being a very sacred thing. Obviously. Furthermore, he admits in the safety of his soliloquy that he was a little worried by the news. I am assuming he did not tell Salty Dog directly, as it could have taken months for some drunken teenagers to find his body hog-tied out by the waterfall.

Salty Dog then takes Andy to her house to meet her family, which includes a mother and sister with rhyming names, Anna and Ona. I can only imagine the weight Salty Dog has had to carry through life being so grammatically ostracized from her family. I am sensing a spinoff series. The family and Andy enjoy convivial banter over dinner, leaving Admiral Admiration to profess that “these are my type of people.” Naturally, the intimacy of this evening, and seeing her parents approve of her latest catch, leads to Salty Dog breaking down on the couch with her father, who ends up getting a bit misty himself. Salty tells Dad, “When would I ever meet someone who is like that? I never meet people like that!” What, men with jobs who brush their teeth, get drunk and make out with you instead of fight with you? Shocking.

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Carmen San Diego then jumps on a plane and lands in Bethel, Conn., to meet Crude Attempts’ family. Everything seems so New England, like Nathaniel Hawthorne New England. I would not be surprised if her dad was the church deacon and her mom’s nickname was “Goodwife” and had been tried as a witch or something. The family just seemed weird. Maybe that is because of the overwhelming gloom that has seemingly lingered over Crude Attempts’ life since her boyfriend died. Her father calls her Princess and gives Sailor Boy a steely-eyed glare when telling her that as patriarch of the family he is concerned about protecting her. He does tell Andy that his daughter “would give 1,000 percent, just like her mother.” Ummm. Did I mention Crude Attempts still lives at home?

The whole scene just seemed so dark. Apparently the death of her college sweetheart has hung like a dark cloud over this family for years, and I can imagine Crude Attempts was beyond inconsolable during that time. Which is all understandable, but I am starting to think maybe she is on the wrong show. Maybe Dr. Phil would have been better for her. The family then retreats to the basement where Mom engages Andy in some belly dancing and Dad gives the little rascal a drum lesson. Midlife crisis anyone? Maybe John Irving New England is more like it. I’m sure they’re all great people … behind the grief, gloom and concern.

The serviceman next finds himself on the frozen tundra of the Mall in D.C., where he has a friendly snowball fight with Winnie Cooper. She then takes her made-for-TV-boyfriend to her mother’s house (looks to me like a swank row-house in Georgetown, ooh la la) to meet her mom, dad, sister and best friend, who bombard Navy boy with some tough questions. Actually, they’re just run-of-the-mill questions, but none of the girls or their families have really made Andy explain himself, instead opting to only lavish him with googly-eyed praise, so actually explaining his intentions proves a little difficult and tiresome for the man who wants to be wooed. He admits to the family, “it’s almost like I’m trying to court her.” Wow! Obviously that’s why Andy chose to go on “The Bachelor” instead of “The Bachelorette” (if that is a show) — all of that traditional “get a lady to like me for myself” stuff is for the birds. I think this Andy dude is a dork and his real-world dating didn’t work, so he just thought, “I have all the things a woman wants — besides a sense of humor or interest in the woman as an individual, so I will just go on this show full of desperate women who want the ‘ideal man’ and be their trophy.” Weird.

Winnie’s best friend Samantha grills Andy pretty well, but it’s Winnie’s dad who kinda throws a wrench in the night. During some basic small talk, he tells Andy that Winnie went on the show because she thought it would be fun. This throws Andy for a loop; he was expecting every girl to be there for the sole purpose of finding “true love.” I don’t know whether to be dumbfounded by his innocence or simply amused. This leads to Andy questioning Winnie about her intentions (for the fourth episode in a row). He tells her that he “feels” there is so much “potential” there. Yeah, if only she would like you and be as desperate as the other girls/contestants. I will put on my sincere hat here for one second and wonder why Winnie ever went on this show. She obviously comes from money; she’s a successful professional with some pedigree it seems, and cuteness to spare. Why on earth would she be doing this? She obviously wonders the same thing. I will now get back to being a smart-ass before my girlfriend electrocutes me.

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The best Andy can get out of Winnie is that she is willing to stay on the show to see what happens. Andy gets exited and tells the camera that “this opens up so many doors and possibilities for the future.” This has become quite ironic; it is almost as if she is scared to hurt him. That’s rich. Meanwhile, back in Seattle Salty Dog has created an entire mock family out of pasta and a model house out of crab legs in which to play with Andy and her future family.

The producers decide, naturally, to save the best (read: worst) for last. OK, producers, your past transgressions are forgiven. No snowy field or wonderful landscape greets Andy on his final stop. Instead, he gets the 23-year-old Beaches and her classroom. In Sugar Land. How’s that for romance and charm? After showing off her Ken doll to the students, Beaches sits with Andy on the swing set and tells him that not only are her parents refusing to take part in the show, but her aunt and uncle have also suddenly become unavailable. Probably too busy reading Tom DeLay’s blog. Or sitting in traffic.

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Her loss is our gain, however, as Beaches takes Andy home to her generic apartment complex to meet her roommate and her little yippie dog Pascha, about who Beaches says is a very good judge of the boys she meets. The whole place reeks of first place out of college and Star Furniture starter kit. Fortunately, Beaches has not seen the tape of the other girls’ families or her mascara would be even more of a mess than it already is. The trio eats a boring dinner while Pascha wets the rug.

At the last minute Aunt Lynne has a change of heart and shows up to meet Andy. It feels like she is a college girl in love with a 30-year-old who is desperately trying to make everyone around her feel like there is no reason that this thing couldn’t work. But everyone seems to realize it’s not gonna happen — even Beaches’ raccoon-eyed roommate, who looks like bourgeois version of Paris Hilton. Andy rounds out his time in Houston by telling the camera that “Amber is so sexy.” (Read: I could never get a girl like that in a nontelevised world.)

The whirlwind of “home dates” behind him, Andy returns for the Rose Ceremony. Sadly, with the numbers having dwindled to only four, and the home dates having been more telling than any last-second posturing, the traditional 11th-hour tactics to win Andy over have been eliminated from this episode.

Andy, predictably, gives roses to Winnie Cooper, Salty Dog and Crude Attempts. That leaves Beaches to suffer the walk of shame out to the patio to get her farewell from Lt. Love Boat. But Beaches does not go quietly. When Andy tells her that she was just too young for him, she refutes his explanation, saying, “You told me in the hot tub that age doesn’t matter.” Oh, Beaches, honey, what happens in the hot tub stays in the hot tub, even if there is videotaped evidence. She wails that she does not understand, that there is no reason this should be happening to her. Then, in maybe the greatest break-up line of all time, Andy says, “The connection that I feel with the other three is greater.” Ouch!

Beaches then slinks into a limousine and sobs something about guy ater guy telling her what she wanted to hear and then dumping her.

Hey, Beaches, Match.com called. They said your membership has been reactivated.

Next week sees the quartet head to Hawaii to see how Andy lives. And swim with whales and make out under waterfalls. But will Andy realize his connection with Salty Dog is only skin deep (shocking)? Will he come to see Crude Attempts as only a friend? Will Winnie Cooper continue with her “come here, go away” bit? Or will Andy be left to marry his ab cruncher? Find out next week.

Please tell me it’s almost over. Please.

In related Bachelor news: [Houston Chronicle] “A principal has resigned after being reprimanded for allowing a teacher to tape episodes of the reality TV show “The Bachelor” while school was in session.

“Miss” any of the previous episodes? Check out my recaps here:
Episode #5 | Episode #4 | Episode #3 | Episode #2

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April 30, 2007

'The Bachelor': Episode #5 recap

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Following last week’s melodramatic episode (aren’t they all, though?), it seems that Andy has eliminated the tense drama from the house. Right? Of course not.

Tonight’s show begins with Andy preparing for his date the way I always prepared for dates during my time as a bachelor: dips and crunches off the side of my yacht. Textbook. The ladies arrive and join Andy on his ABC’s boat for a day of fun in the sun.

Not so fast ladies, although Lt. Love Boat does spend a few minutes with the girls (once they’ve been divided up into two trios of blondes and brunettes), ol’ Salty Dog goes to her bag of tricks and, after spotting two kayaks, pulls Andy into the water for some frivolity. Never has one person seemed so desperate on television. Although I hear Joey Fatone has been doing wonders for his career on “Dancing With the Stars.”

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The girls sit and seethe on the yacht, seemingly still not grasping that, while loathsome, Salty Dog seems to be the only one willing to really engage in the show as a competition. It seems impossible at this point, not only in the show, but in the climate and “evolution” of reality television over the past 10 years, that anyone would suffer illusions of what’s really going on here. Listening to the women moan and complain about the very structure in which they have volunteered themselves seems mind-bendingly baffling. It’s as if they have somehow come to believe that this fuzzy world of yachts and roses is the norm and the slight they feel when someone like Salty Dog takes some initiative to compete equates her to a hussy flirting with their boyfriend at a bar.

Back at the house, Andy decides to take Stephanie (“LDP” — Lack of Discernable Personality) on a one-on-one date. While the other five women pout about his decision, Salty Dog chief among them, they fail to recognize that Andy’s decision to take a woman for some one-on-one time is his opportunity to decide whether he has genuine feelings for the girl. It is not a Good Thing. It’s not because he likes her more. It’s not because she is special; it’s because at this point in the show he doesn’t think she is. Remember when the others got the special date? Recognize a formula? Look girls, none of you is his girlfriend. And he’s not going to propose to someone in the middle of the show. Sit at the house, eat chocolate and chillax.

Sure enough, Andy confirms my suspicions as he tells the camera that the reason he has asked LDP on the date is to try and find out something (anything!) about her. Their date takes them to a wine bar, where they concoct a wine that is a perfect blend of the two of them. A little bit of LDP, a little bit of Andy, a few predictable clichés and an activity to keep them occupied from their inevitable stumble thru awkwardness. And a lot of vomit. My vomit.

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The two blend what I imagine must have been a noxious combination of various wines and then use paint and paper (and seemingly no creativity) to design a label. Watching the two slop around like drunk 8-year-olds in the hand-paint comes off like some pathetic and unromantic facsimile of “Ghost.” And that movie was not very romantic to begin with. After their Jackson Pollock moment at the wine bar, Andy attempts to probe to the inner-LDP. When asked about her dreams and ambitions, LDP can only reply that she has many dreams. What are they? Well, seeing as how I don’t speak the language of shrugs and huhs, I couldn’t really tell you. We’ve watched scene after scene of Andy attempting to extract personalities from these belli corpi always ultimately feeding us that reality-tv brand of delight-in-disappointment and anticipated failure we need. He casts her line after line hoping he’ll snag something, anything. “Tell me your dreams,” he begs. She shrugs. Buzzer! For the record, Andy would have accepted A.) To be a____(insert any career), B.) To one day accomplish____(insert any goal) or C.) Anything about Anything. “This is the end, beautiful friend. And he walked on down the hall.”

As Tessa (“Winnie Cooper”) discovers that she will be getting the special date with Andy, Salty Dog drops the bomb of the season when she laments over the fact that she will seemingly not have the opportunity to tell Andy that she is a divorcee. This is the same girl who has begged for the man’s attention at every turn, spending more alone time with him than any other contestant, and she hasn’t had time to tell Mr. All America that she is a 28-year-old divorcee? I know divulging such sensitive information on television can be tough, and I’ve got no problem with divorce. Hell, I was married four times before I got out of high school. But to hide such a large personal fact for weeks from someone in whom you are deeply interested (allegedly)…well, let’s just say my estimation of Salty Dog just dropped a little. Make room, Ceausescu.

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Sensing her competition increasing, and verging on her fifth (give or take) psychotic meltdown of the season, Salty Dog is slipping down that slope paved with slashed tires and neurotic 3 a.m. voice-mail messages. She approaches Amber (“Beaches”) and expresses her complete shock and dismay at having to compete with a 23-year-old for Andy’s affections. She does not understand how someone with such little life experience (read: having never been married, apparently) can be vying for her man’s heart. Apparently Salty Dog feels that the sagacity that comes with being a ripe old 28 cannot even be approached by someone of Beaches’ age. This brings out the defensive side in Beaches, who tells Salty Dog that she is, “way more mature than any 23-year-old ever!” Do not attempt to hold your weak candles to the ever-burning flame of Beaches, Joan of Arc, Anne Frank and Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty.

Ah our 20s, the decade of complete self-absorption and rampant narcissism.

For their group date, Andy takes Beaches, Tina (“Overachiever”), Salty Dog and Danielle (“Crude Attempts”) to a playground that needs revitalizing. Capt. Heartthrob says that there is no better way to get a feel for a woman’s sense of family and community than by having them paint a school yard. Of course, at this point, Andy could fly them all to a remote village in Africa and offer them some Kool-Aid and they would claw each other’s eyes out over who got to lick the stirring spoon. Salty Dog speaks to exactly that point when she states, “We’re all here for Andy. And that will never change!” Um…Andy, if you have a pet rabbit, I suggest you lock it up tight, my friend.

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While the women perform their paint-by-numbers reclamation project and try and out-sensitive one another, Overachiever acknowledges that, having seen Andy play with kids on a playground for 15 minutes, he is definitely ready for a marriage and will be a great father. Andy amusingly admits that he is surprised that Salty Dog was good with the kids. Obviously she outperformed his low expectations of her. Then again, Andy didn’t see her in the corner of the schoolyard beating up one 5 year-old for “making eyes at Andy” and lecturing two more on the dangers of getting married too early.

Meanwhile, Winnie Cooper prepares at home for what is billed as the greatest (most overly-hyped) date (set-up) in the history of the world (this episode). Andy arrives and presents her with $2 million in diamonds. To unnecessarily heighten the already nerve-strained, nail-diminishing tension in the house, he does so in front of the other women. Salty Dog’s head spins around five times; Father Damian Karras shows up; and Winnie and Kevin Arnold Andy head out for their “Pretty Woman” date.

Andy takes Winnie to get fitted for a Nicole dress, and Larry Miller does his best to see that she looks magnificent in a red gown. The couple has dinner and drinks, with Winnie playing hard to get (didn’t she always) while Andy tries to ascertain whether she’s really “that into him.” Apparently, playing the aloof card has served Winnie well as Andy admits that she’s become very special to him. Yea, like at least in the Top 3, I’d say. Linda Blair Salty Dog, meanwhile, foams at the mouth and tells the camera that she is going to “seriously freak out” if Andy chooses Winnie over her. For his sake, I hope Andy gets to see some of this footage before making his final decision.

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With the date behind him, Andy is left to suffer through what has quickly become my favorite part of the show — the woman all jockeying for position at the eleventh hour. Amber whinnies like the friend of Andy’s kid sister who has snuck up to his room during a pajama party. Bevin admits that she will remember this experience forever (yea, cause it’s the only time you’ll ever be on television, dear), and Andy admits their electricity is palpable (watch out, sailor, that’s what husband #1 said, too, I bet). Electricity like the shock and suspense of what someone’s chemical imbalance will drive them to do next. Tina, the only contestant to continually engage Andy with thoughtful questions, tells him she can’t wait for him to meet her mom, who is “me, amplified by however much,” which I guess would make her Judge Judy. Winnie Cooper still wrestles with the fact that the whole experience is so “not her” (look, the hard-to-get bit is tiring). Crude Attempts gets by with a little help from her friends (which she has on display with her dress), and LDP rehashes how much fun the two had on their crafts-n’-booze date.

The host tells Andy that the witching hour is upon them, and Andy, with no sense of sarcasm or irony, confesses that, although he is a Navy lieutenant who has competed in Ironman triathlons, this decision is the hardest thing he’s ever had to do in his life. Maybe I should take up swimming and running marathons. How hard could it be? Not surprisingly, Andy sends Overachiever packing back to medical school and LDP home to Uncle Henry and Auntie Em for some thoughtful analysis about why she could not open up.

Next week promises some very interesting dynamics, as Andy travels with each of the remaining four ladies to meet their families. Apparently, Salty Dog will finally come clean about the divorce, and it looks like Beaches’ family pulls a no-show. Ouch.

I will now sit patiently and see if my family similarly disowns me for spending 1500 words on a reality television show recap.

“Miss” any of the previous episodes? Check out my recaps here: Episode #4 | Episode #3 | Episode #2

Thanks, as always, to Tami for her help with jokes.

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April 24, 2007

'The Bachelor': Episode #4 recap

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Scheduling conflicts galore tonight. David Sedaris was at the Paramount. The Houston Rockets played the Utah Jazz in Game 2 of the first round of the NBA Playoffs. And, of course, they both happened while the new bane of my existence, “The Bachelor,” was on. Definitely a night for TiVo, right? Yea, um, that’s what I did. I TiVo’d it. Echem. (I will now go put my head in my oven.)

Anyhoo … on to the recap. (I sacrifice for you, friends. For you.)

The tease for tonight’s show indicates that when the ladies head to Lake Tahoe, the drama and backstabbing will begin in earnest. Meow!

Andy tells the women they will be taking a private jet (an announcement that in and of itself draws hoots and hollers from the gals) for a getaway to Lake Tahoe. Stephanie T. “Eyebrows” asks one of the other girls if Lake Tahoe is in Oregon. Meanwhile, Bevin “Salty Dog”, still reeling from the previous episode’s ankle injury, pouts on the plane as she doesn’t think she’ll get to have any fun with Andy on the trip because of her gimpiness.

The ladies receive news that the first group date will center on gambling, but first, cocktails! As the ladies prepare to rendezvous with Andy for some sunset cocktails, Salty Dog; finally (again) breaks down (some more). Locked in the bathroom, she admits through stifled tears that she feels inadequate and is worried that she looks silly on crutches. The crutches don’t make you look silly, Salty Dog. The melodramatic, behavior of a “before” model for an anti-depressant commercial? Well, that’s another story.

The other girls, while increasingly suspicious of Salty Dog’s propensity for drama, help her get ready by steaming her dress and assisting her with her hair and make-up. She sprained her ankle, right? She didn’t have a stroke did she? Did I miss an episode? Did they show one only on the Internet and I just wasn’t around? What is going on?

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During their romantic group drinking session, Salty Dog is despondent when Andy asks each of the girls the most romantic place they can imagine being. And the ol’ Salty (Puppy) Dog routine works like a charm as Andy decides to pull her aside for some time alone. A time of healing. And making out. Much to the chagrin of the girls in the adjacent room.

As the names for the second group date are revealed, Amber “Beaches” realizes that she will be going on the one-on-one date with Andy, a prospect that has her completely terrified. Look, Beaches, you’re either mad that you can’t get to spend any time alone with him or you are sick to your stomach over the fact that you’re going to have to be alone with him; you can’t have it both ways, sister.

The initial group date heads down to the casino to shoot craps, and Stephanie W. “LDP - Lack of Discernible Personality” finds herself completely out of sorts. Apparently she was taking notes when Salty Dog played the “poor, poor pitiful me” card, because she is utilizing the same strategy. Appealing to Andy’s inner Florence Nightingale is a good tactic, as LDP scores some alone-time with Corporal Consolation. Salty Dog then pays a pit boss to drop a chandelier on her, to no avail.

As they sip and chat, Andy confides in LDP that he thinks she’s amazing. This show is doing more to devalue than significance of language than any other piece of the pop culture puzzle. After returning to the group, Andy decides to grant Salty Dog some Special Quality Time, telling her that she has been “such a trooper.” The other women are appalled that Salty Dog continues to “raise the bar” and wonder whether Andy actually has feelings for the supposedly injured Salty Dog, or if his attention can be attributed to a good bedside manner.

During their SQT, Andy admits he’s a nerd. Attempting to enunciate in spite of a tongue heavy from the weight of booze, Andy tells Salty Dog that he used to do “all the science fairs in high school.” Nerds LARP on the weekends; nerds have pet rocks named Balrock that live in intricate cardboard boxes that they proudly call Khazad-dum; nerds draw pictures of girls like Salty Dog as elven She-ra princesses with skull swords and shredded animal skin bikinis that they stow away in their secret Trapper Keepers under their mattresses. Science fairs do not a nerd make, Andy.

After prattling on about his nerdiness, Andy confesses that there has been an evolution of Salty Dog. Well, if evolution means progressively becoming more despicable, pathetic and booze-bloated, then, well said, sir. As the two return back to the pack, Andy tells her that she is “his sanctuary.” Somebody’s been readin’Opening Love’s Door: The Seven Lessons back on his yacht, it appears.

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The next group embarks on their group date, a day of skiing. And bitching and moaning and backstabbing. Kate “Shut Up” whines that she hates the snow and it hates her. Meanwhile, Andy does a little dirty skiin’ with Tessa “Winnie” Cooper and pulls her aside to chat. During their talk, Andy says he understands that Winnie has been a bit uneasy about this “journey.” He always talks about a reality dating show in such grand terms, whether out of myopia or innocence, I am not sure. He does tell Winnie that she is the one who makes him feel most at ease. Which is understandable after she delivers her sage line “it’s like, you know what I mean, I don’t know.” Totally. A reed in the wind.

While the quintet goes about their date, back at the lodge, Beaches is a nervous wreck as she prepares for her one-on-one date with Andy. She admits to the group that the thought of her date with Andy makes her “nauseous and sweaty” and says she just wants Andy to feel the same way about her. Hmm. Perhaps these aren’t the effects of new love but those of massive amounts of producer-peddled booze over the past week.
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On the group date, “Eyebrows” wastes no time making her intentions known to the camera, professing that she will “not hesitate to throw any of the girls under the bus.” And, true to her word, she puts down Beaches to Andy as soon as she gets the chance. She continues her screed, informing Andy that “everyone thinks you’re running around kissing people, leaving the girls with no idea as to what to expect.” No faster way to a man’s heart than by making him feel paranoid and uncomfortable. Well played, Eyebrows.

The claws have definitely come out, but it would seem such blatant manipulation could only serve to hurt Eyebrows. Then again, she does not seem to be the type of person who has very good judgment, so none of this really comes as any surprise. But Eyebrows is not the only one resorting to being catty. Shut Up uses some alone-time on a gondola ride to discredit both Beaches and Eyebrows.

After the group date, Andy chooses Tina “Overachiever” for some SQT. Eyebrows seethes at Andy’s decision and notes that the other girls are “hot on her heels.” Somehow getting the first date and first rose with Andy in episodes 1 and 2 convinced Eyebrows that she was Andy’s girlfriend. Oops. During their alone time, Overachiever yet again takes the time to actually ask Andy personal questions. She also admits that it is her first one-on-one date. I think she might mean ever. To date, she is the only woman I have seen challenge the sailor or ask him any pertinent questions about his personality. When asked if he is high maintenance, Andy admits that he is a military man who lives a modest life, and, no, that is not his million dollar sports car and yacht. If any viewers of the show were under the impression that they were, well, seek help. Andy seems genuinely pleased that Overachiever has taken the time to get to know him.

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Back at the resort, Beaches is frantically, obsessively preparing for her date, asking every girl what she should wear. They seem completely worn out by the whole ordeal. Once alone for a romantic fireside dinner, Andy can not resist the temptation to ask Beaches about the rumors. “I wasn’t sure if I was gonna bring it up,” he’d had quite a few drinks, so it makes sense. After going through their old routine of naming all of the things in the room (candles, fire place, champagne, hot tub, etc.) and both deciding that, reiterating over and over, and re-capping the moments that had just passed, it is blatantly clear to us now that they both find this situation to be indeed romantic. Their connection is magical. The open dialogue between the two leads to some fondue and booz and hot tubs! Andy uses the time to offer Beaches the first rose of this week’s show, which she happily accepts.

The backstabbing, skiing (they did go skiing up there, right?) and boozing in Tahoe behind them, the group heads back to Los Angeles for the Rose Ceremony. The women all nervously prepare for their fates. Eyebrows remains 90% sure she will get a rose; Salty Dog,who seems to be barely holding it together anymore, admits that she can hardly breathe (although she seems to be walking fine now); Shut Up continues to run around the room spreading rumors like a character in “Mean Girls” and Winnie Cooper admits to Andy that she thinks she should possibly go home, a doubt which Andy quickly assuages; while Overachiever sits quietly in the corner looking like she’s at her first prom with her first cousin in a borrowed big-girl dress.

Lieutenant Loveboat then lines the ladies up to pass out the roses. And the winners are: Winnie Cooper, Danielle “Crude Attempts,” Salty Dog, LDP and Overachiever.

That means it’s curtains for Shut Up (guess playing the mean girl has its drawbacks), Ole Smokey and Eyebrows, who is completely amazed that her 15 minutes of fame has come to a close. Don’t worry, Eyebrows, there’s always the strip club. Or Red Lobster.

Next week promises more of Salty Dog trying to monopolize Andy’s time and the ladies jockeying for “the most romantic date ever!”

“The Bachelor” - now with even more superlatives!


“Miss” any of the previous episodes? You’re in luck. Read the recaps here:
Episode #3 | Episode #2

As always, thanks to Tami for help with jokes.

(Ladies pictured from top to bottom: Salty Dog, Winnie Cooper, Eyebrows and Beaches.)

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April 17, 2007

'The Bachelor': Episode #3 recap

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In the introduction to Monday’s show we learn that “the ladies get down and dirty with The Bachelor” (sigh). What better than some hackneyed innuendo to get the show revving (apparently they are mud wrestling and racing cars).

The ladies’ idyllic morning of sleeping off hangovers is interrupted by the booming bark of a “big bad drill sergeant.” Sgt. Meany Pants welcomes the ladies to “boot camp” and growls the timeless adage, “Life sucks and then you die.” He orders the ladies to line up outside. Nicole (“Ole Smokey”), who doesn’t seem to remember (again) that this is a television show competition, “wisely” chooses to ignore orders and applies makeup and moisturizer prior to joining the lineup. Sgt. Meany Pants has the ladies sound off and puts them through basic drills. “Tweedle Dumb” (Erin) bemoans the fact that this is the second day in a row in which she will have to physically exert herself. Apparently “Tweedle Dumb” did not take “Officer and Gentleman” to indicate a health-conscious serviceman, and, besides, everyone knows the only time “Tweedle Dumb” runs is when Uncle Randy comes over.

It becomes evident that Bevin (“Salty Dog”) had her Wheaties (and Kool-Aid) this morning, as she shows the desire to compete with the conviction of a brain-washed cult recruit. Seconds into the obstacle course, she falls and injures herself. Everyone tight-lips a grin. The minor pain brings her to the point of salty dog tears as she rolls around on the ground, holding her leg and howling. Sgt. Stethoscope bounds to the rescue! Andy offers a rose to “the fallen soldier” - a crass producer-fed line that unintentionally does a disservice to every enlisted member of the military. Andy diagnoses “Salty Dog,” who says she’s broken her ankle before, with a “displaced fracture” (which can often be misdiagnosed as whoa-is-me-itis). The arrival of an ambulance makes the situation very real for the girls (also surely making the editors giddy for their predictable teaser clips) and whisks “Salty Dog” away to the hospital with Andy in tow.

Back at the house, Tessa (“Winnie Cooper”) states that all of the girls were a little worried about Bevin as she attempts to stifle a laugh. Chris (the host) enters the living room to inform the girls that Salty’s ankle is not broken. Meaning not only was “Salty Dog” pulling her best chicken little routine, but apparently Andy wouldn’t know a “displaced fracture” if it had on 2 pounds of makeup and bit him in the face. The girls laugh knowingly at this revelation. Five of the girls then go on their next group date.

As they arrive at Club Mud (no, seriously, that’s the name of the spa), Andy regurgitates yet another tired line from the producer, telling the women, “I like women who can get down and dirty.” (Do you kiss your Scout master with that mouth, Andy?) As the sextet slithers in the slop, Stephanie T. (“Eyebrows”) does her best to soak up all of Andy’s attention. Tina’s (“Over Achiever”) voice over admits she’s feeling uncomfortable competing for Andy’s affection, as we see her awkwardly standing feet away from the party, sadly rubbing herself down with red clay. She seems to be affecting an air that she’s too good to compete for a man (but not too good to go online, fill out an application form, make a video, fly to L.A. for an arduous interview process, go on television and live with a bunch of strangers to compete for a man). After wallowing in the mud, Stephanie W. (“L.D.P.” - Lack of Discernible Personality) wins the q.t. date, driving “Eyebrows” mad with jealously. Apparently “Eyebrows” doesn’t understand the nature of the contest and that Andy must attempt to get to know each of the women to make decisions. Little decisions such as, “Who am I going to spend the rest of my life with?” (She also probably doesn’t understand math or monogamy, but that’s another reality show).

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On the second group date, the race is on for Andy’s heart, as Kate (“Shut Up”), Danielle (“Crude Attempts”), “Tweedle Dumb” and Amanda (“Silent Treatment”) head to the race track. In a bit of one-on-one time, Andy comments that “Tweedle Dumb” might look like a Barbie doll, but she knows how to do manly things (why a Marine is looking for a woman with manly qualities - well, that’s another reality show, too). “Crude Attempts” uses her alone time to play Debbie Downer to a backdrop of acoustic guitar and reminisces about her dead friend.

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Despite finishing the race with the worst time, due to her inexperience with a stick, “Tweedle Dumb” wins some quality time with Andy, proving that the competition had more to do with “T & A” than “RPM.” During their alone time, Andy professes “I want to get to the inner side of you.” This proclamation leaves “Tweedle Dumb” looking terrified at the prospect of having to quickly invent herself. Her inability to materialize her proverbial turtle out of its proverbial shell befuddles Sgt. Smoothy, who seems dumbfounded at “Tweedle Dumb’s” helplessness in grasping the very simple nature of this competition. (Look, “Tweedle Dumb,” this isn’t a honky-tonk or a gun range. You are going to have to try and rub two brain cells together if you want to get the man this time).

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With the two group dates over, the stage is set for Peyton (“Big Sis”) and “Winnie Cooper” to battle it out. On a battleship. The two travel with Andy to an aircraft carrier where he gives them a tour of his home-away-from-home and documents his daily regimen, at one point imitating a slack-jawed line cook in the commissary as a real-life cook stares in angered disbelief at Private Pretty Boy. The trio moves to the sick bay for some doctor role-play. With cocktails. And two women. And a television crew. Awkward. The group then suffers through dinner on the deck as a solitary rose looms large over the wooden proceedings. Each girl gets one last chance to ensnare The Bachelor during the final few minutes alone with him.

“Big Sis” gushes that the couple is “absolutely perfect” for each other. (Nothing better portends a happy and healthy future together like making grandiose and saccharine speculations of one another’s perfections). “Winnie Cooper,” on the other hand, (and I can’t believe I’m actually saying this) seems to have a genuine moment with The Bachelor and expresses her interest in wanting to get to know him better. (Don’t mess this one up Kevin, er, Andy.) A helicopter swoops in to escort Andy and his chosen one away, and in the biggest “Oh, no he didn’t” moment of this season’s show, Andy actually begins to cry. It was probably just the wind. And the booze.

The sobbing soldier informs the women that “Winnie Cooper” will be flying home with him. Meanwhile, “Big Sis” is thrown overboard and forced to swim back to Tennessee. Not really. But that would be awesome. With sharks in the water. And a rumor of buried treasure. (Psssst, hey, producers, call me.) A tearful “Big Sis” vows to move forward with her life, saying “I’m definitely going to find the man of my dreams … (on FOX).”

Having rid himself of “Big Sis,” it was time for the Love Boat to scrape off a couple more barnacles. As is their weekly want, the contestants all make their final pitch. “Silent Treatment” bails on the competition, seemingly not understanding that her physical connection with Andy will not be enough; “Shut Up” attempts to prove to Andy that she’s not a crazy sorority girl but is left wondering what she can do to prove this short of rescuing an orphan from a fire; the two Stephanie’s engage in a ludicrous game of “one of these things is not like the other” (as Andy makes the hyper-astute observation that two women can share the same name and still be very different); and “Salty Dog” pouts her way into a kiss and makes the embarrassing proclamation that this is the best experience she has ever had.

The politicking done, it’s heartbreak time. Andy offers a rose to each of the following: Amber (shrugs all around); “Crude Attempts” (who’s shown an uncanny ability to go from sobby to silly in 4.5 seconds); “L.D.P”. (visible gulp from “Eyebrows”); “Over Achiever” (who seems to be using her brain to stay in the fight); “Shut Up” (who classily admits that Andy “scared the crap” out of her), “Ole Smokey” (who was waiting with labored breath); and “Eyebrows” (who seems a bit humbled but still gross).

Tonight, we say goodbye to “Silent Treatment,” who proves that being quiet and pretty is not enough, and “Tweedle Dumb,” who will get back to Louisiana with some nice padding for her résumé for the Miss De Soto Parish Azalea Pageant.

Previews for next week’s episode promise a nasty and melodramatic scene as the party moves to Lake Tahoe while tonight’s show closes with a shot of “Shut Up” attempting to open a bottle of champagne with a corkscrew and “Tweedle Dumb” imploring her “not to pop it in my face.”

See you next week ladies.

Did you “miss” the last episode? Check out the recap here.

(A special word of thanks to my favorite ‘bachelorette’ for allowing me to use her brilliant mind for all of the recaps.)

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April 10, 2007

'The Bachelor' recap

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After years of hearing watercooler discussion about the travesty that is “The Bachelor,” I decided to wave the white flag and join the noise that is reality television commentary.

Before tonight I had never seen an episode of ABC’s hit realty show, so I did not know much going in. Sure, I understood the basic principle: a hunky bachelor with a pearly white smile and not too terribly much in the way of personality is courted by a bevy of 20-something women with equivalent traits. But I was left with quite a few questions.

Does this dude really expect to find true love under the glare of the national television spotlight? Do these women expect to be able to maintain any sense of dignity (if they had any to being with) and out-battle their fellow contestants for the privilege of a made-for-tv romance? Are all parties involved really looking for true love or is this a feeble quest for fame and the attention of adoring viewers and snide bloggers such as myself? Will I surprise myself and find these attention whores quite redeemable and intriguing? Do any of these questions really matter? Of course not. Now, on to the train wreck/freak show that is “The Bachelor,” episode #2. (And, to answer the unasked question, I missed the premiere, as there was this little basketball game on television last Monday. Priorities, folks. I think I’ll probably be able to catch up.)

The tease for tonight’s show indicates that we are in for a healthy dose of everyone hating on Stephanie along with a couple of group dates that will find the women vying for Lieutenant Lovesick’s affections.

Our Bachelor, Andy, kicks off the battle royal, as he exclaims, “Let Operation: Soul Mate begin!” No better way to find your soul mate than thru a good old fashioned cage match. On national television. Somewhere Cupid has turned his bow & arrow on himself.

The first group date starts with champagne in the middle of the day. As the gals are chauffeured down the Sunset Strip, one of the contestants vacuously remarks about Mel’s Diner, “This place is famous!” A perfect testament to the fact that many of these vapid bags find value only in that which they are told is important.

The traveling party moves on to an authentic L.A. honky tonk where the women cattle are staged to ride simulate sex on a mechanical bull in an attempt to compete for Andy’s love. It’s been awhile since I’ve been to a rodeo, but I don’t remember having seen too many bulls that move like that. Like a man. Having sex. With a woman.

Tessa cleverly decides to stand out by faking an injury, which seemed like a good idea. But if she really wanted to take the bull by the horns, she should have committed to the injury/joke rather than immediately bailing with an “I’m OK,” as soon as she got his attention. Chevy Chase would not approve.

So everyone fell off but Danielle (I think), about whom Andy remarked “she’s unbelievable!” and chose her for the date. Not sure if all gals were aware the bull ride was an actual competition for the date and not just a fun-for-Andy/male viewer rating escalator and really pervy diversion.

The girls then were whisked away to a hotel suite with a bunch of evening gowns to try on; Tiffany (“Dead Eyes”) commented excitedly that she had never had a date “take her to a room full of dresses before.” Well, guess what, Dead Eyes (“Tiffany”), here’s one for the diary, you have now had a production company take you to a room full of dresses.

Dressed in gowns, the girls meet Andy on a smoggy L.A. rooftop terrace for evening cocktails. Upon seeing the girls, the wide-eyed Andy responded “OH MY GOSH!” like a jr. high boy looking at his sister’s slumber party through a key hole or a boy scout finding the new issue of Highlights in the mail. One of the girls commented it looked like a scene right out of a movie…or in this case…a television show.

The girls chit chat and obsess over kissing strategies for first dates in an effort to get a feel for how others will play and how they should proceed with their own maneuverings. During some one-on-one time with Andy, Alexis discusses her home-schooling and pompously/naively reveals that she didn’t miss having a traditional education because she didn’t “need to learn my morals from 13-year olds.” She also, not surprisingly, admits to being “very old fashioned.” Yea, like Little House on the Prairie old-fashioned.

When asked by Alexis (“Laura Ingalls”) to describe his morals, Andy says he’s “conservative but open minded” (read: I’m against gay marriage but I’d watch two chicks make out).

While the gals jockey for Andy’s time, Bevin (“Salty Dog”) gets more and more frustrated (and more and more drunk on martinis). The graphic says she’s 28; yea, 28 ten year ago.

Andy toasts the women to a “classy night,” and we all know nothing says class like three-inch inch heels, bikinis and some wild HOT TUBS-n-BOOZE action.

Sensing Salty Dog’s (“Bevin’s) patience at its limit, Andy decides to pull her into the pool for some QT. As she makes her way from the hot tub into the pool, we see that Salty Dog (“Bevin”) has the tattoo daily double: a Chinese character on her shoulder and a tramp stamp.

Erin, the financial analyst from Dallas, babbles on about something I can’t follow because I keep getting distracted by the fact that she reminds me of a grown-up JonBenet Ramsay with a pill habit.

Andy decides to pick Tiffany for alone time due to the fact that she was shy. On the drive up to a look out point the pair’s conversation meanders from a discussion about how hilly the drive is to talking about the fact that they’re “going up a lot of hills.” When the extremely “shy” Tiffany asks Andy why he picked her he replies, “You have a lot of depth but I could not see your true colors.” Andy then peppers Tiffany with questions in an attempt to get to know her better. The tight-lipped tiffany offers little in the way of response, wearing on the thin and confused patience of an already drunk Andy. This leaves Lt. Loquacious to confess that he had to “drive the conversation.” Drive it right over a cliff. Into a sea. Full of booze.

Andy kicks off group date #2, which we learned in the last bumper would be an abbreviated triathlon competition, with the ubiquitous proclamation, “Let’s have some mimosas!” During group banter Tina (“Over Achiever”), in an effort to separate herself from the perceived bimbos, admits that she “doesn’t have a lot in common with Luis Vitton purses” (or someone with casual conversation skills). In the meantime, Erin and Susan (“Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumb”) have formed an “alliance” and make an aborted attempt to pull Andy away but admit they are novices at approaching guys. As the Dimwitted Duo do their least to compete in Andy’s triathlon, they come off looking more like two of Heff’s girlfriends from “The Girls Next Door” than the accomplished, quasi-sophisticates the show hopes to portray.

The absurd athletic event ends with a slow mo shot (ala “Chariots of Fire”) of the photo finish between Amber and Danielle. Amber’s victory is rewarded with some brief alone time on the beach with Andy in which we learn that she’s great at cooking and he’s great at doing dishes. Andy smiles and begins to say “then you can cook and I’ll do the dishes” but catches himself before making such a tragic faux pax on national television.

With the two group dates out of the way, the self assured Stephanie (“Eyebrows”) prepares for the first one-on-one date. The abbreviated date at sea includes an obligatory “Titanic” bit, Andy giggling like Scooby Doo, the show’s first lip kiss and, of course, HOT TUBS-n-BOOZE! Back at the house the harpies play the “What bothers me the most about the girl on the date” game while swilling margaritas. With a nod to his perspicacity (and some clever editing) the Bachelor asks Stephanie how she is holding up to criticism back at the house. Stephanie sagely responds “some girls try to give me animosity” but reassures Andy that “not a lot of girls can throw at me what hasn’t already been thrown at me.” From the mouths of babes (or bar whores with a track record of stealing bff’s boyfriends).

Stephanie returns home to find a few girls waiting on the stairs who quickly return to bed dejected after seeing her with the coveted rose. The evening concludes with the courtesans gossiping like diet coke-amped high school girls and Stephanie doing her best Mistress of Disinformation routine.

With the second rose ceremony rapidly approaching, the girls make last-minute moves to plea their case, with Over Achiever (“Tina”) admitting that she is perhaps too ambitious and Peyton (“Big Sis”) explaining the passion that she has for her work. Remember, she’s a sorority recruiter. Meanwhile, Laura Ingalls (“Alexis”) has been potentially outed as a virgin: “It (sexuality) is something I will share with the guy I am dating not a group of strangers,” but maybe the nation, apparently. Andy seems conflicted by his pending decision, stating “I’m a healer. Instilling pain doesn’t go well with my heart or mind.”

Nonetheless, he is still flattered by the attention and admits, “I can’t believe they are all here for me.” Well, you and the fine meals, a temporary life of luxury, a minute-and-a-half of forgettable minor celebrity and free HOT TUBS-n-BOOZE. Remaining last ditch efforts include Salty Dog (“Bevin”) awkwardly admitting she’s been on her own since fifteen; Danielle (“Crude Attempts”) getting a pitty kiss on her water-logged ear only to immediately proclaim she’ll no longer need to use her ear medicine now (ew); Nicole (who constantly seems in desperate need of her next cigarette) “dirty” dancing yet again with the fumbling drunk Andy all the while chit chatting desperately about how dancing is “their thing;” Tessa tearing away for a pitty party cry time with Big Sis (putting her mentoring to work for the camera) to the rescue. The 11th hour antics subsided; it’s time for Lt. Love Boat to whittle his wooden fifteen down to a Daft Dozen.

In the rose ceremony, Dead Eyes (“Tiffany”) sees her dream end as did Susan, one half of the Dimwitted Duo. How Andy differentiated between her and Erin is beyond me. And, in maybe the most surprising move of the night, Lt. Landshark also gives Laura Ingalls “Alexis”) the green light to run home to Paw.

In a true move of benevolence by the production company, the credits roll as we see footage of four of the dumbest of the ladies trying to figure out the math behind the rose ceremony. God bless you, ABC.

Next week promises an overreaction that leads to a 911 call, mud fights, and a humiliating boot camp experience — good fodder for any second date, really.

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April 9, 2007

KLRU's Echoes of Color Community Engagement Film Series finale

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KLRU will celebrate the finale of its Echoes of Color Community Engagement Film Series at the George Washington Carver Museum Tuesday evening. The event will feature an episode of “Frontline” titled “A Class Divided” that demonstrates how one teacher’s social experiment affected her students for the rest of their lives.

Following the screening, there will be a discussion of the impact of discrimination moderated by Dr. Edmund T. Gordon, director of the University of Texas Center for African and African American Studies.

More about the episode of “Frontline” from KLRU: “One day in 1968, a teacher in a small, all-white Iowa town divided her third-grade class into two groups — blue-eyed children versus brown-eyed children — to give them a daring lesson in discrimination. One day the students with blue eyes received special treatment like extended recess and extra praise. The next day the brown-eyed students received the special treatment. The groups were not allowed to interact with each other during this experiment. The riveting classic documentary “A Class Divided” shows the lasting impact on the children and its enduring power nearly 40 years later.”

KLRU’s Echoes of Color Community Engagement Film Series
6 p.m. Tuesday, April 10
The George Washington Carver Museum and Cultural Center (map)

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March 20, 2007

Stephen Colbert takes on Willie Nelson tonight

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Two weeks ago, Ben & Jerry’s released the new flavor Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream, advertised as “the sweet taste of liberty in your mouth.” Naturally, the satirical pundit was very proud of his new flavor and tipped his cap to the Vermont ice cream company. But the Colbert heart, or gut, as it were, is fickle. Ben & Jerry have recently drawn the scorn of Colbert with their release of the new flavor Willie Nelson’s Country Peach Cobbler, which swirls peach ice cream with cinnamon sugar shortbread pieces.

The übermoralist Colbert responded to the news with predictable outrage. “What is it made out of? Shredded tax forms and hash?”

According to FirstCoastNews.com, 250,000 pints of Willie’s flavor are being recalled “because containers packed on January 23-24 and February 8-9 failed to list wheat as an ingredient, making it dangerous for those with a wheat allergy.”

Colbert and the Red Headed Stranger will go toe-to-toe on The Colbert Report tonight at 10:30 p.m. on Comedy Central. Should be entertaining.

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March 5, 2007

'What chew talkin' ‘bout, Willis?'

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Todd Bridges (aka Willis Jackson) let about 60 people know what Willis was talking about Saturday night at the Alamo Drafthouse Downtown. In addition to introducing screenings of three episodes of the 70’s and 80’s hit show “Diff’rent Strokes,” Bridges fielded questions from the audience.

Bridges regaled the audience with behind-the-scenes stories from the show, in addition to some anecdotes about living the fast and loose Hollywood lifestyle. Apparently the tagline made famous by Gary Coleman came from a typo that Coleman read verbatim, leading to riotous laughter from the show’s staff. After seeing the hilarious effects of the line, writers figured out a way to work the quip into each episode. Apparently Bridges’ diminutive co-star maintains some bitter resentment toward the show and his attachment to the character. He also has some very hard feelings towards Bridges, saying he will work with any actor not named Todd Bridges. Bridges has taken the slight in stride, although he could not refuse the chance to take a shot or two Coleman. “It’s not my fault his mom came on to me when I was 16,” Bridges told the crowd. “I even got the kid a job at Disney World at It’s a Small World.” Oh snap!

Though he joked that his life of drugs and petty crime came from “being raised by a rich white dude,” Bridges admitted that his widely publicized misguided life of drugs was a result of the gluttonous times and that most child stars of the ’70s and ’80s suffered from being taken advantage of by producers. “The secret of the entertainment industry is lifetime money,” he said. Bridges said that while producers and industry executives got rich off of the show’s success, he did not make enough money to last his lifetime. He went on to say that child stars of today have more avenues for making big bucks through parlaying their television work into film work and the like, an opportunity he said was forbidden of him while on “Diff’rent Strokes.”

Although Bridges endured painful times following his fame as a child actor, he also admitted that he got to reap quite a few rewards of stardom, including hanging regularly at the Playboy Mansion and dating Janet Jackson as a teenager. While he was somewhat tight-lipped about the nature of that relationship, he did admit that Janet’s older, much weirder, brother Michael used to try and “intimidate” him and even followed them on a date. Creepy. As Bridges said, “I wouldn’t send my kids over there (to Michael’s house).”

Bridges was gregarious throughout, if not completely coherent in developing arguments. In one such argument, he attempted to explain the difference between TV shows in the ’70s and ’80s versus now. His point seemed to be that comedies back then were situational, whereas now they focus on “jokes;” although he basically relied on the crutch, “Shows were different then, you know?” Um, ok, I’ll go with you on that one, Todd. More than willing to joke about his missteps and proudly speak about his 14 years of sobriety and exciting future in television (he has a small role on Chris Rock’s “Everybody Hates Chris” on the WB, for which Rock said he hired Bridges because he knocked out Vanilla Ice on “Celebrity Boxing”) and stand-up comedy, Bridges proved to be a former child star who has come to terms with his past and is loving the present.

Image taken from the Alamo Drafthouse

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