Home > The M.O. > Archives > 2009 > December
December 2009
Go to national championship for FREE … if you’re a hot chick
As Longhorn fans gaze past Dec. 25 and Jan. 1 toward the bigger date, Jan. 7, one Horn fan, full of heartbreak and chutzpah, has posted on Craigslist looking for a (classy) hottie to head to Pasadena with him for the game against the Crimson Tide. (Has Tiger finally hit rock bottom?)
This ticket is for a classy hottie that will accompany me to the game.I have a Suite for the 6th and 7th at the Langham, Huntington Hotel and Spa in Pasadena. http://pasadena.langhamhotels.com/en/
All expenses are paid for: flight, food, alcohol, hotel, and ticket.
The suite is a california king size bed so you must be fine with sharing a bed with me while you are staying in Pasadena.
I’m looking for anyone that is a true orange blood, and knows how to party and have a good time.
Must send pictures and must be a girl. No Guys.
I had reserved this for my girlfriend and I but she recently broke up and with me and I would like to take another girl.
Please only email me if you’re serious and bikini shots are preferred (or something sexier).
Sigfried
So, I take it this dude hasn’t had a date since January 2006.
Best case scenario: “Pretty Woman” meets “Fever Pitch.”
Worst case scenario: I’d rather not let my mind go there. But it would probably involve a 1,400-mile Walk of Shame.
Permalink | Comments (1) | Post your comment Categories: Sports
Ron Artest: Gangster savant
Los Angeles Laker (and former Houston Rocket, Sacramento King, Chicago Bull and Indiana Pacer) Ron Artest never ceases to fascinate me. The guy has an unbelievable amount of talent, the ability to play three positions (and would probably be happy to play point guard and center, if asked), and a history as one of the most mercurial players of his generation, both on and off the court. I always want to see what he will do next, and when he was with the Rockets, I would often find myself saying, “No, no, no …. yes!” Eventually, you just have to give in and go along for the Ron Artest ride.
I will never forget the night in 2004 when he went into the stands at The Palace in Auburn Hills, in what has become one of the most infamous nights in NBA history. I remember exactly where I was in my car as I listened to the “The Malice at the Palace” unfold that night. Next to to the time Ralph Sampson hit a series-winning shot in the 1986 NBA Western Conference Finals, it was the most transfixed I’ve ever been to a radio in my lifetime, or ever will be.
Outside of his brawls and buckets, Artest has become known for his predictably unpredictable personality: 1) After becoming a professional basketball player, he applied for a job at Circuit City because he “thought it would be fun. And I had a friend who worked there.” 2) He unknowingly broke two of Michael Jordan’s ribs in a pick-up game. 3) He started a record label, released a rap album and asked for time off to promote his album. 4) He was once suspended one game by the Pacers for smashing a framed picture of himself in Conseco Fieldhouse. 5) In 2006, he told the the New York Post that his New Year’s resolution is to: “Teach math classes in elementary schools throughout the country. And, of course, I want to sell 10 million records.” 6) According to ESPN.com’s Bill Simmons, earlier this year, as a member of the Rockets, he showed up in his underwear late for the last team bus to the Staples Center to play the Lakers in the 2009 playoffs. 7) He has admitted to sipping cognac before his games when he was on the Bulls. 8) He recently appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live in his underwear.
Artest’s comments on his Web site and Twitter feed, much less the quotes he gives to reporters, are often hilarious, insane, touching, ridiculous and priceless all at once. He’s an enigmatic paradox: gentle beast, sensitive gangster, moronic genius, team asset/distraction.
Witness his open “fan letter” to the embattled Tiger Woods.
Dear Tiger, In reading the statements you have made, I can tell you are a stand up guy. Please remember only Jesus is perfect. You made a mistake and you admitted your infidelity. I have made the same mistakes. Before I got married to my wife, I had a baby with another young lady, after I already had two by my girlfriend who is now my wife. We also had another baby which makes three for us and four for me. Two boys and two girls.My wife is a much better wife than I am a husband. We still argue and disagree after being together 16 years. and I still cope with the fact that there are so many women out there and I choose to stay loyal to my wife.
I want to be home every night, but with traveling I can’t, and sometimes I might want to go to a bar or club and be one of the fellas. Most of the time I stay in, because I have my kids and wife.
I cannot sit here and say the thought to have many women has never crossed my mind. If I were Jesus I could. (Ed. note: At first I read this as him saying that if he were Jesus he could have had many women. I was upset when I re-read it.)
I have known my wife for 16 years- since I was 14 years old. She was my first.
On the way to 2010 we had many ups and downs on the way, mostly my fault. But I really choose to work hard and play ball to support her and my kids. The same reason you are building your legacy.
I have been disturbed by this because there are many people who are happy that this bad news has come out.
There are a lot of sports announcers and regular reporters who are not perfect in their own homes, yet they want to bring you down.
You have done so much for people, the sport of golf, and your family and you gave your wife a life that people can’t even dream of.
I thought you were 36 or 37 until I read the news today. A 33-year-old man who has been a model citizen with so much at stake. This is your first publicly known issue since you started your career, compared to my 50 or more publicly known issues and mistakes.
You have been the perfect role model for me and my sons for longer than anyone I have known.With the exception of a few legends.
As your fan, I can’t wait to see you golf again.
And us athletes know how much you personally love your family.
One love,
Ron Artest
This is just a fan mail letter to Tiger Woods fans and indirectly to Tiger himself.
Please, everyone support Tiger in these tough times for his family.Also if you are a sports announcer or regular everyday reporter or blogger please step up like Tiger and tell your wife or husband if you have any skeletons in your closet. Especially if you were one of the few attacking TIGER!!
One Love People
What a legend.
Permalink | Comments (1) | Post your comment Categories: Sports
Your A-List: Best French fries
The winner of this year’s Your A-List poll for best French fries obviously thinks as highly of their fries as you do. How else could you explain the massive statue of fries outside of the Duval Street Hyde Park Bar & Grill, winner with 41 percent of the vote.
Whether getting them as a side to your burger or making a late-night pit stop to soak up the extended happy hour booze, people seem to love Hyde Park’s fries. P. Terry’s and their fresh-cut fries prepared in 100% canola oil made a run at the reigning champ, finishing with 19 percent of the vote.
Others receiving votes: P. Terry’s 19 percent, Top Notch 9 percent, Hut’s 8 percent, Sandy’s 7 percent, Phil’s 4 percent, 219 West 4 percent, Billy’s on Burnet 3 percent, The Tavern 3 percent, Quality Seafood 2 percent
Permalink | Comments (2) | Post your comment Categories: Your A-List
Your A-List: Best place to hear live music on a weeknight
The much lamented “bygone Austin” can be a bit irritating, but the fact of the matter is, there are still quite a few places that have exactly that vibe. One of them is the Saxon Pub, winner of this year’s Your A-List poll, with 36 percent of the vote.
The regulars at the Saxon are friendly even if they don’t know you, and there’s really no such thing as a stranger there. And with multiple bands playing seven days a week, you never have to worry about checking the calendar to see who’s playing. Every night you’re guaranteed to see some of the best singing and songwriting talents Austin has to offer, and who knows, show up on the right night and you just might find Bonnie Rait or some other international star on the stage, feeling just at home at the Saxon as one of the regulars sitting at the bar.
Others receiving votes: Continental Club 19 percent, Antone’s 12 percent, The Mohawk 9 percent, Cedar Street Courtyard 7 percent, Emo’s 6 percent, Ruta Maya 3 percent, Momo’s 3 percent, Beerland 2 percent, Flamingo Cantina 2 percent
Permalink | Comments (2) | Post your comment
Your A-List: Best holiday lights display
While I have visited the 37th Street Lights (winner with 43 percent of the vote), I am by no means an expert. Therefore, I asked co-worker Wendy Mitchell to email me a few lines about the street on which she lives. In addition to being a writer and designer, Mitchell is also curator of The Stuffed Animal Rescue Foundation (S.A.R.F.), which is part of the 37th Street holiday fun and a testament to its whimsy and charm.
“Right now, my next-door neighbors have a 30-foot-tall aluminum foil shark on their front lawn. A few doors down, there’s a yard full of gigantic lollipops. It’s kind of like a surrealist art installation — except with lights … and with people actually coming to see it.”
Others receiving votes: Trail of Lights 23 percent, Marble Falls Walkway of Lights 9 percent, Zilker Tree 8 percent, Congress Avenue 5 percent, Santa’s Ranch 3 percent, Downtown Round Rock 3 percent, Christmas Parade of Lights on Lake Travis 2 percent, Texas Capitol grounds 2 percent, The Domain 1 percent
Permalink | Comments (0) | Post your comment Categories: Your A-List
Your A-List: Best local sports team
Having three major professional sports teams’ affiliates in town (Toros, Stars, Express) is a pretty sweet coup for our little town. But let’s face it, one team reigns supreme here: the University of Texas Longhorns football team, winner of the Your A-List poll, with 48 percent of the vote. Two Heisman Trophy winners (Earl Campbell and Ricky Williams), four national titles (with a possible fifth on the way) and a string of beloved players (Tommy Nobis, Bobby Layne, James Street, Vince Young, Cedric Benson, James Brown, Major Applewhite and Colt McCoy, to name a few) are just part of the enduring legacy of one of the winningest college football teams of all time. Whether you fall in the camp of those who complain that the coach gets paid too much, or are more likely to lose your mind over a local sports columnist not putting one of their own atop his Heisman ballot, it’s safe to say you have an opinion on the Horns. They may not be the only game in now, but they’re certainly the most discussed, beloved and watched.
Others receiving votes: Texas Stars 31 percent, Austin Toros 9 percent, Texas State football 3 percent, Round Rock Express 3 percent, UT men’s basketball 3 percent, UT baseball 1 percent, UT softball 1 percent, UT women’s basketball < 1 percent
Permalink | Comments (1) | Post your comment Categories: Your A-List
Capsule review: Michael McDonald’s ‘This Christmas’
As part of our holiday CDs package, I was asked to review Michael McDonald’s ‘This Christmas.’ Naturally. Anyone who knows me, knows of my love for McD, whether it be with Steely Dan, the Doobie Brothers or as a solo soul crooner. Here is what I wrote:
Is that a white wolf dressed in L.L. Bean clothing staring out from the CD rack? No. That opaquely blue-eyed beast is Michael McDonald. And while he might be part man, part legend, part mystical musical animal, he is all soulful growl and pitch-perfect howl on this holiday musical offering, in which he bellows the blue-eyed soul that laid the foundation of his legend. Opener “That’s What Christmas Means to Me” bounces around the Douglas fir-scented living room with a big bass line and a jangly country guitar that is immediately punctuated by the sensual McDonald, who is backed by some Memphis-style horns that stick to your ribs. If McDonald’s intentions were not clear on the opening track, his naughty-but-nice rendition of “This Christmas” places this album squarely in the R&B cannon, with DeMarco Johnson’s harmonica adding a Stevie Wonder mid-’70s feel. On Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas,” the lead dog slows the pace and throws another log on the fire. You can almost taste the cider, even if it spoils a bit with the saccharine overdose of Jonny Lang’s guitar licks. But the horns jump right back on top, pulling the song away from trite blues and finishing with an Earth, Wind and Fire flourish. As he strums his baritone ukulele, tucks in the kids and blows out the candle with “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” a lush tune layered with strings, the soulful Santa Claus packs up his bag and drifts off into the snowy evening, leaving us fattened with holiday cheer to last us through the winter.
Click here for all of our holiday CD reviews.
Permalink | Comments (0) | Post your comment Categories: Music
Review: Don Rickles at the Paramount
As I approached the Don Rickles show at the Paramount Theatre on Thursday night, I wondered what the old guy would still have left in the tank. He performs up to 50 times a year, so he’s obviously still serviceable. But I was skeptical: Would he still have his fastball? Would it feel like an old-timers game?
It turns out, the answer is somewhere in between. At 83 years old, Mr. Warmth has become a bit of a knuckle ball pitcher - The action is simple, it doesn’t look too intimidating as it approaches the plate, but damn if it doesn’t get you every time.
The Paramount was transformed into a Vegas showroom, with Rickles’ band-for-hire, The Bakers Dozen, led by Rickles’ longtime band leader Joe Mele, performing a few Chet Baker-cool-meets-Vegas-glitz tunes before the horns and timpani drums heralded the entrance of the man himself. Befitting his legendary status, the crowd rose to its feet before Rickles could even crack his first joke.
After his sarcastic salutation in which he described Austin as the heart of the world, Rickles wasted no time getting into the insensitive shtick for which he is famous. He made fun of a couple guys up front that he suspected were gay, before wondering how “the black guy” got into the show, and then broke into his first song of the night, “I’m Nice Guy.” After his song-and-dance, he lamented that he was busting his rear for a lousy 100 grand, an ambiguous quip that had everyone rolling.
Rickles show pretty much relies on 10-minute jags stuffed with racially and culturally insensitive observations and interactions with the crowd that fall in between a few musical numbers and set pieces. Even if the jokes all seem familiar - I can remember the Nazi goose step joke from my earliest years of listening to Rickles - he still always seems to kill. The knuckle ball gets you every time.
At 83, you would expect the legendary comedian to have a hitch in his delivery or trouble remembering jokes, but there is something to be said for muscle memory. While he did repeat a few jokes, he realized it each time and charmingly dismissed the errors as an excuse to hear himself talk more. After all, he’s not here to make fun of himself. That’s what the audience is for. And while it is a little troubling that so many people can sit and laugh at decidedly rude and bigoted jokes that feel like an anachronism (kind of like watching Clint Eastwood’s ‘Grand Torino”) it seems OK in that environment. There is never a time that you get the feeling that the man known as the original insult comic is being mean spirited or believes any of the simplistic things he is saying. It is more that he is making it OK for all of us to laugh at ourselves and the way we view the world. As he earnestly said near the end of his set, the people at his show will live longer, happier lives due to their ability to laugh a little.
The brief stop-downs in which he discussed his great friend and hero Frank Sinatra or asked the audience whether they had tried the food or not gave the feel that Rickles was on auto-pilot, simply transporting his Vegas line-for-line down to Texas. But at 83, who can blame him? And maybe more than transporting his show down to Austin, what he was really doing was transporting all of us to old Las Vegas, if only for an hour.
Permalink | Comments (1) | Post your comment Categories: Comedy
Free Hornitos. What else do you need to know?
The good folks over at Vice Magazine dropped us a line this morning (along with all of their Facebook and Twitter peeps) to inform us that they were throwing a last-second-announced party tonight at the Longbranch Inn.
Not only will Austin garage rockers The Strange Boys, a perfect fit for a Vice party (and how can you not dig a band that has a drummer whose last name is Hammer?) be there, along with the quirk retro pop of Carrots, there will be free Hornitos Tequila starting at 10 p.m.. And before you get all “I don’t like tequila” kicks, let me tell you that I was at a Hornitos-sponsored event a few months back, and the delicious agave-based booze, in all of its variations, can pretty much replace any booze you love in all manner of cocktails.
If none of this sounds enticing, you probably just hate booze and rock-‘n-roll (and long lines and possible face punching), and Vice wouldn’t want you there anyhow.
To attend, you must be at least 21 (obviously) and RSVP here.
Permalink | Comments (1) | Post your comment Categories: Music
Interview: Don Rickles
Six decades into one of the most enduring comedy careers in history, Rickles still works up to 75 times a year, performing at venues across the country and appearing on TV and film. And, of course, there’s Las Vegas, where the man Johnny Carson dubbed “Mr. Warmth” has entertained and antagonized crowds with his acerbic wit for 51 consecutive years. Known for his ruthless and insensitive jabs at his audience, Rickles says his performances are simply his exaggerated take on the shared human experience — “our habits, our way of life and what we are.”
“I’m really an average guy to hang around with as friends,” Rickles said recently by phone from California, a few weeks ahead of his appearance at the Paramount Theatre today and Friday. “It’s all an image that you create. You gotta be a personality that’s a little different. I tell young people: To get successful, you’ve gotta be different and take chances.” One of the biggest chances Rickles took on stage early in his career came at a small Hollywood club in 1957. In a story that has become legend, Rickles, who by that time already had become known for his interactions with the crowds as much as for his joke telling, spotted Frank Sinatra in the audience and quipped, “Make yourself at home, Frank. Hit somebody.”
The line undoubtedly emboldened the brash comedian, who over the years became good friends with Sinatra. In the golden age of Vegas and Hollywood, when celebrities were treated like royalty, Rickles was never scared to take shots at those in the loftiest of perches. And in the spirit of the idea that every good gang needs one funny guy around to keep everyone loose and lighten the mood, Rickles became a bit of the court jester for The Rat Pack. But the jokes, despite their sting, always seemed to come from a place of love. “All those big stars, when I was in Las Vegas, they came to see me because they wanted me to kid with them,” Rickles said. “I was never mean-spirited, even to this day. And the majority of them enjoyed it when I mentioned them or talked about them and it became part of ‘Don Rickles.’ “
As legendary director-producer Carl Reiner said in the documentary “Mr. Warmth: The Don Rickles Project”: “If you hadn’t been insulted by Rickles, you hadn’t made it.”
Rickles did not always envision a career for himself in comedy. Drawn to the screen and stage, he attended the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. But after a failed round of theatrical auditions, the former Navy man began to realize that his way into show business would be alone on a stage with a microphone.
“I would have loved to have been more involved (in movies) or on the Broadway stage, which is one thing I missed,” Rickles said. “But I got so involved doing comedy in those days, and jobs were coming to me and money was a factor. I was very pleased to hear that nightclub guys wanted me, and so it overpowered the idea of waiting around for a movie and so forth.
“I did a round (of auditions) on Broadway, and I wasn’t too lucky with that. But I picked up a few movies along the way, and, all in all, it turned out OK. I would’ve enjoyed doing more film work, but in my day, you can’t have the whole cake. So, I enjoyed my part of the comedic side, and I have no regrets.”
Nor should he. In a career that has spanned 60 years, the rapscallion whose acid tongue is mellowed by a wink and a smile has continued to find a way to relate to audiences of all ages. Rickles, who has always written his own material, says the key to staying relevant and resonating with his fans isn’t so much in coming up with the most clever jokes or shocking punch lines, but being likable.
“The basic thing is, people have to like you personally,” he said. “I can get up there and tell you the funniest jokes in the world, but if I’m not kind of a likable guy or have a way about me, then you don’t gotta chance … So it’s the personality that has to be the basis. If they like the personality and what you do, you’ve got a chance.”
Don Rickles in Austin
Where: Paramount Theatre, 713 Congress Ave.
When: Thursday and Friday. Doors at 7 p.m.; show at 8 p.m.
Cost: $45-$135
More information: (866) 977-6849, austintheatre.org
Worth noting: Those who bring new or gently used blankets or sleeping bags; winter accessories (hats, scarves, gloves); new socks; long johns; or Large-XXL adult jackets to the Paramount when purchasing tickets to see ‘Mr. Warmth’ will avoid all service charges, receive free parking and two free drinks. Donations benefit Front Steps.
Permalink | Comments (1) | Post your comment Categories: Interview
R. Kelly to release his memoirs
There is good news. (The Longhorns are playing for the national championship.) There is great news.. (I found $20 in my jeans this morning.) And there is amazing, no-way-that-can’t-be-true news. (R. Kelly is releasing his memoirs.)
After two decades of providing the world with some decent music, some shocking scandal and an earth-shattering serial drama/operetta, R. Kelly is prepared to share his story.
Publisher SmileyBooks announced today that three-time Grammy Award winner Kelly (born Robert Sylvester Kelly) will have his story out on shelves by early 2011.
“We are thrilled to be the conduit through which R. Kelly will tell his own story,” said Tavis Smiley, founder and publisher of SmileyBooks. “He has earned the right to tell his story his own way.”How, exactly, he earned it is unclear. What is also unclear is how many people will be willing to put more money in the pocket of someone who has been at the center of some tawdry scandals. Speaking of, apparently Kelly will address his six-year imbroglio surrounding child pornography charges.
“I’m writing this book as Robert, not R. Kelly,” Kelly said. “I’m tired of being misunderstood. I will show you the tears, fears, and sweat. I will open my heart and reveal the good in my life as well as all the drama. I want to tell it like it is.”
God, please let Kelly read/sing the audio book version.
The memoir is still untitled, in case you were wondering. But I think “Trapped in the Closet: The Memoir” sounds pretty good. Or, “I Believe I Can Write.” “I Wanna Read To You”?
As Terrell Owens would say, “Get your popcorn ready.”
Permalink | Comments (1) | Post your comment Categories: Books
