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‘The Bachelor’ recap: Episode six
Sure, when it’s just you in the spotlight, you can hide your neuroses, bad grooming or unfortunate strands of any DNA you might possess. You might be so adept with trickery that you could fool an unsuspecting Bachelor and a few million folks watching on TV, but all your nasty backstory and the jumbled mess of psychological trauma that makes you who you are will come oozing out when you take that sweet boy whom you met on TV back home to meet the folks. Have fun, Brad.
Tonight’s episode promises an emotionally charged roller coaster, as Brad visits Jenni’s dance troupe, er, family, in Kansas. Then it’s off to California to be scared to death by Sheena’s mom; down to Georgia for a Big Fat Greek Freakout with DeAnna’s family; and finally some good old-fashioned class warfare in D.C. with Bettina’s hard-to-please family. I bet pouring shots for 21-year-olds is looking pretty good right about now to ol’ Brad. I predict Bettina’s plea for romance is vetoed tonight, for what it’s worth. Veto. Get it? She lives in Washington, D.C., and a veto is… Forget it. I hate everything.
Brad arrives in Wichita to discover that Jenni apparently grew up in and lives in a theater. Jenni takes him inside and, despite a bunch of talk about how “embarrassed” she is, does an awkward dance routine; so awkward, in fact, that the editors, who make the whole “get-to-know-me-by-watching-me-dance” travesty televisable, actually used post-production to pipe in music over her dance. After Jenni’s Sparkle Motion routine, Brad actually expresses some second thoughts about being able to do the long-distance thing if Jenni stays in Phoenix to dance her way into the Western Conference Finals. More awkward word salad between the two, who seem like they just met at a speed-dating night sans alcohol, and they’re off to her house. Scratch that; off to her mom’s hair salon. That looks like it’s in a house. Kansas!
Brad is immediately attacked by rascally ol’ Grandma, who has on some kind of “world’s craziest Grandma” T-shirt that looks like it was purchased at a gas station connected to a Cracker Barrel, in 1987. Despite cantankerous Granny, Brad remains ever the polite gentleman, to the point where I think he is actually beginning to grow on my girlfriend. (Note to self: Tami is never allowed on Sixth Street again.) Grandma keeps pounding away on the “don’t give me no guff, boy” bit. We get it; you’re not nice. Moving on. Mom gives Brad the third degree while almost rubbing the hair off of his scalp, followed by Jenni’s dad having a good ol’ boy heart-to-heart over a few beers (Editors pipe in banjo music. Genius.), wherein he asks Brad if he has goals. The polite Brad begins to enumerate them, but is cut off by Dad, who says something to the effect of, “Ah, hell boy, I don’t care what they are. I just wanna know you got some.” Read: I just wanna make sure you ain’t no drunk who’s gonna beat on my little girl. The highest standards.
Back inside, Dad proposes a toast … to Jenni making the Phoenix Suns dance squad. Unfortunately they cut out the singing telegram from Shawn Marion that heralded the news. But I bet the DVD will have it. But, seriously, what the hell is going on? Her dad breaks the news to her? What, is he her agent? Brad seems a little crestfallen by the news, while Jenni has images dancing in her head. Images of herself. Dancing. Brad says he understands it is her dream and she needs to follow it, and concedes that if it’s actually true love, it’ll work out. Yeah, and it probably won’t be on TV, Brad. I like you; I’m just sayin’. Meanwhile, Jenni spins herself to the point of exhaustion in the middle of the living room foaming at the mouth as she calculates how 41 Suns’ home games dancing in front of a bunch of rich season ticket holders and sweaty athletes is, like, so much more exposure than eight crummy episodes of some ol’ stupid TV show and just keeps screaming, “I’m pretty. I wanna dance, dance, dance, dance…” Or something.
After departing oxygen-tank Granny, an oxygen tank that seemingly delivers vitriol directly into her lungs, Brad jets off to California, where he meets Sheena’s parents. Her mom looks like an extra from “The Real Housewives of Orange County,” and her dad looks like he’s spent a lot of time trying to figure out how much of his 1990s tech-boom money he’d have to give up if he filed for divorce. The family goes on a boat ride on some nasty-looking river, and Sheena’s mom takes the opportunity to talk crazy astrological mumbojumbo to Brad while Sheena’s dad sends a text message to his lawyer and asks him to set up an offshore savings account. Following the kooky river ride, it’s back to the house, where Sheena’s mom enters the Crazy Mom Hall of Fame by telling Brad that she feels as if they are already a family, knows her little girl is “the one,” and is ready to plan the wedding because they are “ready to commit.” The phrase is “be committed,” Mom. Wow. “Whether she’s your one or somebody else’s one, she’s the one,” she tells a fully nonplussed Brad. She then chases three Oxycontin with a half carafe of Zinfandel and heads up to sleep in her hyperbaric chamber with Bubbles the monkey. Brad and Sheena retreat to the hot tub for some lips-on-side-of-face action. Forced chemistry, feel the excitement.
Having narrowly escaped the death-grip of his would-be future mother-in-law (in bizarro world), Brad heads to the one-blinking-yellow-light town of Canton, Ga., to see DeAnna (whom, if you’re not keeping score at home, I don’t like). Talk about a good time to fire up the banjo music. Ned Beatty picks him up at the Greyhound station in an old 4x4 and they set off for a canoe trip. Not really. Brad goes to DeAnna’s house, meets her dad, sister, brother and stepmom and then has a nice man-to-man chat with DeAnna’s dad. DeAnna tells the camera that it is the first time she’s ever brought a guy home and felt 100 percent proud. Or remembered his name. Banjo, banjo, banjo, all I wanna do is dance, daddy. Sorry, I got confused. Speaking of being drunk, DeAnna’s Greek grandpa comes over with some moonshine Ouzo, and everyone gets wasted and re-enacts that overrated romantic comedy from a few years ago, minus the phony Greek accents and the fat kid from that boy man band. All pretty boring stuff; the only thing I took from it is some reinforced feelings about how DeAnna is weird and scary and manipulative.
Finally, Brad heads to our nation’s capital for some quality time with Bettina’s family, a group he hopes will be full of laughs and just a lot of fun. Yea, about as fun as passing a kidney stone. Poor ol’ self-made Brad is immediately treated to the Spanish Inquisition masquerading as a cocktail party. Bettina’s professor father, who looks like he sits on the board of several banks, plays squash at a private club near Capitol Hill and basically personifies D.C.’s moniker of “Hollywood for Ugly People,” immediately asks Brad where he went to college. The words “Texas” and “State” did not seem to do much for Pops, who admits as much off camera.
Dad adjourns to the pool with Bettina and asks her what she could see in this scruffy boy from Texas. He does the whole rational checklist, weighing pros and cons, and basically treats her like a 14-year-old who’s trying to decide whether she wants to quit cello lessons. Maybe the ol’ dating-the-bartender bit is just an act of rebellion against Daddy, even though she says his opinion is gold to her. Or maybe the first divorce was, considering Clarence Goodmoney (or whatever his name is) tells the camera that Bettina never could or will do better than her first husband. While the condescension toward Bettina is taking place, Brad is dealing with a much more sweat-inducing situation, as Bettina’s monied “new mom” and her haggard-looking, alcoholic “real mom” treat Brad like he’s Lawrence of Rome. (For those who don’t get the reference, that’s not a good thing.)
Needing a respite from the heat, Brad takes Bettina over to the Thomas Jefferson Memorial and admits that his feelings had been very hurt, and that while he may not be educated, he’s smart enough to know that it’s not all right to judge people. Aw, yeah, that’s what I’m talking about, Brad. Bettina tries to remove the knife from his back but only twists it in deeper. Good thing she’s hot, at least in his eyes.
Back in Malibu, it’s rose time. Get ready to pack your bags, Bettina. Rose for DeAnna; rose for Jenni, and one for Bettina. Bettina?! Well, I’ll be. Maybe the self-made man in Brad just wants to prove her family wrong (don’t fight that battle, buddy) and show that he is worthy of her love, despite lacking a college education and slinging booze to kids in Austin. Or, maybe she just looks really good in a bathing suit. Or maybe he remembered Sheena’s mom and how she lost her mind in about 45 seconds. Either way I don’t care. I mean, I didn’t think much of Sheena to begin with, and feel the only reason she hung around the past two weeks was because Brad’s twin liked her a few weeks ago, but I was just shocked to see Brad bounce back from being truly hurt and offended by Bettina’s awful, classist family. I guess the lesson to be learned here is that you don’t challenge an oilfield wildcatter.
Sheena, naturally, cries and tells Brad how great he is, and I think he even tears up. For some reason he didn’t realize it would be difficult sending girls with crazy dreams of fairy-tale love home each week. Go figure. As Sheena is hauled off in the limo to go back to her life, I am left only with confusion as to what fantasies and sick myths are being forced into young women’s heads that make them believe they are going to find idealized romantic love at 24 and live happily ever after. On TV. It’s gonna be OK, Sheena, you’re young and kinda cute. Go to business school; you’ll meet plenty of boys there. And I’m sure your mother will love them.
Next week it’s a 3-on-1 overnight date in Cabo. I bet Jenni dances.
“The Bachelor” recaps archive.
For those keeping score at home, or even if you have no idea what I’m talking about, the following is my quick guide to the cuts and carry-overs, an unofficial scorecard if you will.
Still in the running - in order of most likely to win
DeAnna - The maniuplative country girl from AlaGeorgia seems intent to take out the other women, maybe literally.
Jenni - The Melissa Rivers-Sarah Silverman hybrid had been the front-runner from day one but her opportunism may be getting in the way.
Bettina - She divorced her father’s dream son-in-law and her family aparently thinks Brad is low rent. Not sure how she stuck around. Oh, yea, she’s blonde and hot.
Episode 6 cut
Sheena - A lack of discernible personality, blind devotion and desperation seem to have kept this one in the running.
Episode 5 cuts
Hillary - Maybe the craziest woman in the history of the show
Kristy - Maybe the most boring woman to ever make it this far on ‘The Bachelor’
Episode 4 cuts
McCarten - After starting fights in her final episode, she realized the show was actually a competition.
Jade - The sweet boutique employee from Nashville got TKO’d by the malicious DeAnna.
Stefania - The self-confessed daddy’s girl almost killed the Bachelor with boredom.
Episode 3 cuts
Sarah - The bar manager from Illinois was completely thrown off by the twin twist.
Lindsey - The model from Michigan with a brutal accent left in a tearstorm determined to find a husband.
Solisa - The Georgetown aesthetician’s party girl behavior belied her purported moral core.
Episode 2 cuts
Mallory - The nanny from Hawaii was too bland too handle.
Michele - The girl nicknamed Jersey Shore fell and hurt herself, but the sympathy ploy did not pay off.
Erin - The girl who recently suffered a broken face must now repair a broken heart.
Episode 1 cuts
I don’t remember any of these women, so I will just give their ABC-propagated bios:
Jessica, 27, a news anchor from Lady Lake, Fla.
Juli, 24, a law student from Chicago
Kim, 31, a Realtor from Woodbridge, Conn.
Susan, 35, a project analyst from St. Charles, Ill.
Tauni, 31, an ER nurse from St. Louis Park, Minn.
Melissa, 28, an event planner from Westchester, New York
Morgan, 24, a graduate student from Tempe, Ariz.
Natalie, 25, a law student from Duncanville, Texas
Rigina, 31, an account representative from San Diego
Lori, 33, a biology teacher from Annapolis, Md.
If you just can’t seem to get enough of “The Bachelor,” the following links should satiate your illogical obsession.
ABC’s official Bachelor message board | One Houston woman’s take at thebachelorrecaps.blogspot | Television Without Pity takes on “The Bachelor” | Reality Steve, who works in sports radio is funny and wordy, very wordy | Former contestant Kate Brockhouse even has a blog about the current season | Fans of Reality TV has a forum | TV Gasm’s recaps
Permalink | Comments (3) | Categories: 'The Bachelor' Austin
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By mal
October 30, 2007 12:45 PM | Link to this
Great recap! I was surprised that Brad picked Bettina too, but as a former DC resident, I wasn’t at all susprised that her family was so hung up on resumes. Your “Hollywood for Ugly People” moniker is directly on point!
By Karina
October 31, 2007 1:03 AM | Link to this
Part of me liked the fact that Brad told Bettina how he felt about being judged….But, I just have to say it…Brad aren’t you on this tv show just to meet and judge 25 women and their families?? Find a sweet, smart, special, gorgeous, sexy, functional woman that has a great family?
Aren’t we all judging everybody on the show? I’m just saying…
By Jeff
November 6, 2007 12:46 PM | Link to this
Well, after batting a thousand in the smokin-hot-room-of-luuuvvvv, he is down to 2. I tell you, I would hate to be this guy trying to make the decision of which of these 2 is the WORST possible fit. This could make him the best customer his bars have ever seen.