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‘The Bachelor’ recaps: Episode #5
The number of contestants has dwindled from 25 to 6, and after tonight, there will be the Final Four, with each remaining woman getting to take the Bachelor home to meet the family. Tonight, in an effort to decide which two won’t make it to the semifinals, Bachelor Brad will go through a grueling elimination process that involves a bikini party and slip-and-slide. Poor guy. He’ll also go on two solo fairytale dates that will most likely raise the women’s expectations to ridiculous-to-maintain levels, and we are told that we can expect some serious, serious drama. Like, the most dramatic meltdown ever. Now that’s saying something. Someone get Dr. Phil on the phone for Hillary because I think she will be going home in a hail of tears, and she will be joined by Kristy, who will just be going home, blandly. The way she does everything.
On the first individual date, Brad and Bettina take a gondola ride and slowly attempt to grow closer. Very slowly. Although Bettina says she keeps falling “more and more in love” with Brad, I am having a little bit of trouble buying it, not just because their chemistry seems almost nonexistent but because they’ve never kissed! I may not be old-fashioned, but shouldn’t you have at least kissed someone before you are ready to profess such deep love? Bettina talks with shame about being divorced, and Brad tells her that he wants to hug her. Then they take turns giving each other quick pecks on the cheek as they pass under a bridge. Snooze town. The most passionless romance ever.
Following the one-on-one with Bettina, Jenni, Hillary, Kristy and DeAnna get to party with Brad at his Malibu mansion. Surprisingly, we learn that Kristy is not a “pool person.” Go figure, not a comedy person, not an open person, not a fun person, not a passionate person. Maybe she’s a robot. The most boring robot ever. Meanwhile, Hillary lets forth a profanity-laced litany of things she would like to do to Brad (sexy things) and vice versa, followed immediately with a clip of her telling Brad how she wants him to meet her family because he reminds her of her dad. Awkward. I cease to be amazed by the genius and ruthlessness of this show’s editors. Brad sees the warning signs increasing with Hillary, so in a rare move, he actually pulls her aside and flat out gives her the “I think we’re better as friends” speech. Naturally, Hillary hears none of it and walks away thinking that he just made a proclamation of their uniqe chemistry. She’s gonna need one of those special white jackets with the really long sleeves by the time this one ends.
On the second one-on-one date, Brad and Sheena go out on their “Pretty Woman” date. I never noticed how grating this girl’s voice was until this date. She is working the 23-year-old Lisa Simpson voice something fierce. When Brad takes her to a mansion full of beautiful gowns from which she can select one for the date, she says that “the last thing in the world I expected to see was six dresses.” Really? You’re on a reality dating show and the last things you expected to see were dresses? Not 36 single-holed brown buttons, or a 1/2 cup of head lice, or a dancing bear with a chicken mascot head, or the entire cast of “High School Musical” doing the limbo, or your first boyfriend dressed as Raskolnikov reading a poem in Russian to you about how extraordinary your connection with Brad is? Curious.
Brad then bestows Sheena with $15,000 Chopard diamond earrings, you know, just to keep it real, as the kids say. The couple has a dinner with the main course being a confusing word salad tossed by the two of them, followed by poolside dancing to a string quartet at ABC’s Love Factory. The date ends with one of the more realistic and honest kisses so far on the show, followed by Sheena telling the camera that she is the “luckiest girl in the world.” Yeah, run home to that house full of concubines and then get back to me, Sheena.
Once back at concubine palace, the other girls look on with eye-popping envy at Sheena’s bling, and Bettina pouts and says that her date was “so boring” in comparison. Jenni, naturally, latches on to this statement and grills Bettina about how she is not there for the right reason, etc. Boring. Bettina says she was just joking; maybe she needs to go back to that comedy class.
With the rose ceremony approaching, the women scramble to shore up their positions, leading to a poem from Sheena in which she rhymes “moles on arm” with “charm.” Yikes. Pablo Neruda is spinning in his grave. Meanwhile, mean ol’ manipulative DeAnna gets her first kiss with Brad while Jenni and Bettina battle it out. In the saddest and most foreboding scene, Brad once again expresses to Hillary (more or less, and who can blame him for doing a little soft shoe here, she is starting to get that real crazy look in here eyes?) that he thinks they are best off as friends. And, once again, she hears none of it, instead using it as an opportunity to talk about how being best friends is so great and how that can so easily dovetail into being a great married couple and having children together. At this point, anyone who has ever tried unsuccessfully to break up with someone is slowly nodding/shaking their head and covering their eyes.
At the rose ceremony, Jenni, DeAnna, Bettina and Sheena get roses. Kristy leaves unceremoniously and with the amount of fanfare she deserves (none), but Hillary, whose eyes immediately roll back into her head, will not go quietly into that good night. No, sir. She is stuffed in her dress, with tears streaming down her face and makeup that looks like it was put on with a shotgun, and I start to wonder whether ABC intentionally dressed her for this meltdown. She looks like one of those inflated clowns you can knock over and it just bounces right back up. And the analogy is apt. After breaking down in tears, she runs into the courtyard where she just completely breaks down and refuses to come to terms with how things could have ended this way. Brad had told her that he had this amazing connection with her. … How could this happen? … Why?!! The show ends with Brad telling her that he thought it best they end things now, before he or someone (or everyone) he loves ended up dead. Poor Hillary. Regardless of how genuinely psychotic she seems, she really did appear to suffer a broken heart. I just don’t get it. At all.
Next week, Brad will visit the remaining women’s families. What to expect: dancing with Jenni, boozing with DeAnna, a disturbing surgically-altered Sheena’s mom, and a real departure … someone (in this case Bettina’s family) taking issue with the Bachelor and calling him out for what they see as shortcomings. Cue ominous organ music.
For those keeping score at home, or even if you have no idea what I’m talking about, the following is my quick guide to the cuts and carry-overs, an unofficial scorecard if you will.
Episode 1 cuts
I don’t remember any of these women, so I will just give their ABC-propagated bios:
Jessica, 27, a news anchor from Lady Lake, Fla.
Juli, 24, a law student from Chicago
Kim, 31, a Realtor from Woodbridge, Conn.
Susan, 35, a project analyst from St. Charles, Ill.
Tauni, 31, an ER nurse from St. Louis Park, Minn.
Melissa, 28, an event planner from Westchester, New York
Morgan, 24, a graduate student from Tempe, Ariz.
Natalie, 25, a law student from Duncanville, Texas
Rigina, 31, an account representative from San Diego
Lori, 33, a biology teacher from Annapolis, Md.
Episode 2 cuts
Mallory - The nanny from Hawaii was too bland too handle.
Michele - The girl nicknamed Jersey Shore fell and hurt herself, but the sympathy ploy did not pay off.
Erin - The girl who recently suffered a broken face must now repair a broken heart.
Episode 3 cuts
Sarah - The bar manager from Illinois was completely thrown off by the twin twist.
Lindsey - The model from Michigan with a brutal accent left in a tearstorm determined to find a husband.
Solisa - The Georgetown aesthetician’s party girl behavior belied her purported moral core.
Episode 4 cuts
McCarten - After starting fights in her final episode, she realized the show was actually a competition.
Jade - The sweet boutique employee from Nashville got TKO’d by the malicious DeAnna.
Stefania - The self-confessed daddy’s girl almost killed the Bachelor with boredom.
Episode 5 cuts
Hillary - Maybe the craziest woman in the history of the show
Kristy - Maybe the most boring woman to ever make it this far on ‘The Bachelor’
Still in the running - in order of most likely to win
Jenni - The Melissa Rivers-Sarah Silverman hybrid has been the front-runner from day one but may need to temper her maniacal cackling.
DeAnna - The maniuplative country girl from AlaGeorgia seems intent to take out the other women, maybe literally.
Sheena - A lack of discernible personality, blind devotion and desperation seem to have kept this one in the running.
Bettina - The divorcee is fighting off the snide comments from others while slinging a bit of mud herself.
If you just can’t seem to get enough of “The Bachelor,” the following links should satiate your illogical obsession.
ABC’s official Bachelor message board | One Houston woman’s take at thebachelorrecaps.blogspot | Television Without Pity takes on “The Bachelor” | Reality Steve, who works in sports radio is funny and wordy, very wordy | Former contestant Kate Brockhouse even has a blog about the current season | Fans of Reality TV has a forum | TV Gasm’s recaps
Permalink | Comments (3) | Categories: 'The Bachelor' Austin
Comments
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By pantrypuff
October 23, 2007 7:58 AM | Link to this
I laughed so hard my eye started twitching. You’re hilarious. Truly.
By Barn Nawbles
October 23, 2007 4:27 PM | Link to this
Careful pantrypoof, the MO is all mine.
By hillarytheclown
October 24, 2007 10:30 AM | Link to this
I believe DeAnna and Brad’s first kiss was actually in the hot tub after the two on one date after Jade gets kicked off.