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‘The Bachelor’ recap: Episode 4
Tonight on “The Bachelor,” we can expect some catfighting on a two-on-one date, a romantic helicopter ride and some painful improv comedy on a group date that promises to be an epic beating and terribly unfunny. Oh, and there will be tears; of course there will be tears (we’re looking at you, Hillary) — the connections are becoming very strong, or so we’ll be led to believe. And seeecrets, there will be seeecrets.
And, just to prove that I have been paying (minimal) attention, I predict Jade, McCarten and Stephy all hit the road tonight. I could be wrong. In fact, I hope I am, because heaven forbid I become a reliable prognosticator of “The Bachelor” rose ceremony.
Prince Charming comes sweeping down on the contestants’ compound to take Jenni on a tour of the Los Angeles skyline for the first date. Not surprisingly, the rest of the girls are mad jealous, led by the incomparable Hillary, who is saddened to the point of extreme irrationality as she seethes at the fact that Jenni and Brad have a stronger sexual chemistry than she and the Bachelor. Back in “reality,” Jenni and Brad arrive on a rooftop helipad where they soon learn that they have so much in common, like how this is the first time either of them has ever landed on a roof in a helicopter for a date. Love stories like this don’t come along often. Somebody call Oprah.
Brad and Jenni spend the next hour or so talking about how much they like each other and how much they have wanted to be alone, because, like, they both like each other so much, and how neat is this date? It’s either the first or millionth meta-date in Bachelor history; I really couldn’t tell ya. But how is Jenni expected to eat and have normal dinner conversation with that rose looming so large in the background? The answer: She can’t. Jenni’s obsession with the rose (and her wide-eyed guffawing) eventually make Brad proffer the rose. She accepts, naturally, and I begin to wonder if it is only about the rose for this Jenni girl. I think she doesn’t even care about the guy; it’s all about the rose. Get. The. Rose. Creepy.
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While the two lovebirds make eyes at 500 feet, the other women have started breaking out the claws back at home, with DeAnna and McCarten being the biggest instigators. A feud between the lipstick-on-a-pig redneck from AlaGeorgia, DeAnna, and Jade bubbles to the surface just in time for the ladies to find out that there will be one group date and then a two-on-one date with Jade, DeAnna and Brad. Meow.
For the only group date, Brad takes six of the remaining nine women to Comedy Sportz in Los Angeles where they are expected to get in touch with their funny side. Yeah, funny like a heart attack. The level one improv class posing as a date features Hillary manically trying to outshine all the other women while Kristy struggles with her confidence and has trouble with the games on stage. She eventually breaks down in tears. Kristy tells Brad she is just so nervous because she wants him to know how fun she is … by crying during a comedy workshop. Maybe it’s just reverse psychology. I don’t understand. From what I know of it, improvisation is mostly about committing to choices, and here the only thing to which Kristy commits is being pathetic. Nice choice, lady. At the end of the group date, Bettina gets the rose from Brad, while Hillary does her best Linda Blair impersonation in the background.
How’d you like to go on a date with a boy for whom you swoon and some bitty you hate? Oh, and as an added bonus, either you or the other gal will be sent packing on national television while the other gloats? Such is the fate for DeAnna and Jade, the show’s sworn enemies to this point. Brad takes the two women to a house in Marina Del Rey for a romantic dinner, or as romantic as a third-wheel-date can be. DeAnna goes into hyper-competitive mode as she fights for Brad’s heart. When Womack tells the women he wants to find a wife (duh) and proceeds to ask them questions, DeAnna attempts to heighten at every turn. Jade tells Brad she knows the value of hard work, having started working as a 16 year-old. Oh yeah, DeAnna, interrupts, well, I started working at 14. Oh, snap. And if that wasn’t enough, DeAnna, who seems like a washed-up Southern-fried pageant girl, makes sure Jade can never get the upper hand. I did not get an exact transcription, but the verbal sparring went something along the lines of…
Jade: “I worked for everything I got.”
DeAanna: “Well, I used to have to fight the dogs at night for scraps iffin’ I wanted to eat.”
Jade: “Well, my childhood was anything but perfect…”
DeAnna: “Oh yea? I had to take care of my alcoholic daddy, while my momma, who had leukemia, burned me with matches until I cooked dinner for my eight brothers and sisters, the whole time bein’ pregnant with Uncle Randy’s baby.”
And so on.
Needless to say, DeAnna plays Mike Tyson to Jade’s Michael Spinks, and gets the rose and some one-on-one smoochin’ time in the hot tub at the end of her date. Just like she and her cousin used to do.
Back at the house, the women play pajama party while acting like they all know best the true meaning of love. Poor Bettina, she’s really up against it once she admits to the pack of wolves that she’s been married. Word of advice, Bettina: Giving fellow contestants ammunition on “The Bachelor” is like giving Tom Brady five downs, or teaching my dad how to use text messaging. (Read: Dangerous and unnecessary.)
As always, the women get one last chance to make their case to the Bachelor before the rose ceremony. Mean ol’ nasty McCarten tries to show a soft side, which comes off as completely unbelievable. She confesses that she “doesn’t want to compete for someone; sharing someone is not OK.” Um, you might have wanted to access that part of your brain before applying for a reality dating game show. She goes on to bemoan that the process is “so hard!” No, McCarten, raising two kids as a single parent is hard; training to be an astronaut is hard; reading James Joyce is hard. This is just stupid.
At the end, Sheena, Kristy, Bettina and Hillary get a rose. That means Stephy, McCarten and Jade went home tonight and my prediction was right. Good Lord, I can’t decide if I should be proud or take a body shot of hemlock off of Solisa’s cleavage.
Oh, and by the way, Hillary completely freaks out next week and Bettina throws herself at Brad’s feet.
Care.
For those keeping score at home, or even if you have no idea what I’m talking about, the following is my quick guide to the cuts and carry-overs, an unofficial scorecard if you will.
Episode 1 cuts
I don’t remember any of these women, so I will just give their ABC-propagated bios:
Jessica, 27, a news anchor from Lady Lake, Fla.
Juli, 24, a law student from Chicago, Ill.
Kim, 31, a realtor from Woodbridge, Conn.
Susan, 35, a project analyst from St. Charles, Ill.
Tauni, 31, an ER nurse from St. Louis Park, Minn.
Melissa, 28, an event planner from Westchester, New York
Morgan, 24, a graduate student from Tempe, Ariz.
Natalie, 25, a law student from Duncanville, Texas.
Rigina, 31, an account representative from San Diego, Cali.
Lori, 33, a biology teacher from Annapolis, Maryland
Episode 2 cuts
Mallory - The nanny from Hawaii was too bland too handle.
Michele - The girl nicknamed Jersey Shore fell and hurt herself, but the sympathy ploy did not pay off.
Erin - The girl who recently suffered a broken face must now repair a broken heart.
Episode 3 cuts
Sarah - The bar manager from Illinois was completely thrown off by the twin twist.
Lindsey - The model from Michigan with a brutal accent left in a tearstorm determined to find a husband.
Solisa - The Georgetown aesthetician’s party girl behavior belied her purported moral core.
Episode 4 cuts
McCarten - After starting fights in her final episode, she realized the show was actually a competition.
Jade - The sweet boutique employee from Nashville got TKO’d by the malicious DeAnna.
Stefania - The self-confessed daddy’s girl almost killed the Bachelor with boredom.
Still in the running - in order of most likely to win
Jenni - The Melissa Rivers-Sarah Silverman hybrid has been the front-runner from day one but may need to temper her maniacal cackling.
DeAnna - The maniuplative country girl from AlaGeorgia seems intent to take out the other women, maybe literally.
Bettina - The divorcee is fighting off the snide comments from others while slinging a bit of mud herself.
Kristy - Sweet, boring and constantly trying to ‘come out of her shell,’ the Bachelor seems worried she may be too refined for him.
Sheena - A lack of discernible personality, blind devotion and desperation seem to have kept this one in the running.
Hillary - If she doesn’t have a complete nervous breakdown within the next two episodes, i will eat my hat.
If you just can’t seem to get enough of “The Bachelor,” the following links should satiate your illogical obsession.
ABC’s official Bachelor message board | One Houston woman’s take at thebachelorrecaps.blogspot | Television Without Pity takes on “The Bachelor” | Reality Steve, who works in sports radio is funny and wordy, very wordy | Former contestant Kate Brockhouse even has a blog about the current season | Fans of Reality TV has a forum | TV Gasm’s recaps
Permalink | Comments (5) | Categories: 'The Bachelor' Austin
Comments
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By truecraig
October 16, 2007 8:46 AM | Link to this
Each time that you allude to Joyce in your descriptions of this show will help me, in blessedly incremental ways, restore my faith in the future of our species.
By charitychick
October 16, 2007 12:29 PM | Link to this
I HATE this show, but love your commentary. You are hilarious. I must read you from now on!
By eliz. s.
October 16, 2007 12:51 PM | Link to this
“Word of advice, Bettina: Giving fellow contestants ammunition on “The Bachelor” is like giving Tom Brady five downs, or teaching my dad how to use text messaging. (Read: Dangerous and unnecessary.)”
LOVE it.
By wombat
October 16, 2007 3:52 PM | Link to this
I will tixt messege you what I relley think! Wombat
By Natesoup1974
October 16, 2007 4:50 PM | Link to this
I laughed so hard at your column in my office, that I nearly got in trouble and almost wet my pants! I do watch the show and while it is stupid and incredulous to think you can find true love on a game show, it still draws me in everytime. I watch for the cat fights….yeah, that’s it. LOVE LOVE LOVE your thoughtful and very precisely detailed column. WILL READ MORE IN THE FUTURE AND RECOMMEND TO EVERYONE WITH A BRAIN!!!