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‘The Bachelor’ recap: Episode three
Tonight on “The Bachelor” we should be prepared for Hillary going waterworks; Bettina nervously admitting she’d been married; a circus (as always); a twin-twist; and Solisa doing her best stripper impersonation. And hopefully the Cowboys and Yankees losing on the same night. Sounds like good times.
The first group date, fittingly, takes place at a circus. The girls get to go out onto the floor of the arena and practice walking tight-ropes and balancing on balls. They end up looking like the thousands of drunk women Womack has had to watch stumble out of the Chuggin’ Monkey over the years. Hopefully he didn’t suffer from any severe flashbacks.
Jenni and Brad are both astounded at the depth of their connection and both confess to not having words to describe their feelings. I think I’m gonna get these two a thesaurus as their wedding present. Jenni, not afraid to take things extremely fast, asks Brad if he’d be OK doing the long distance thing for a year, as she really wants to commit to the Phoenix Suns dance squad for the 2007 season. Obviously, she thinks this is finally gonna be the year for Steve Nash and the boys. I realize she wants to let him know of her level of interest, but that seems a bit much. Not to be outdone, Stefi does some emotional dry-heaving when she talks about how she wants her husband to be just like her daddy, cause she respects him so much. If this is how she acts with every boy she’s known for a week, it is no wonder she has not had a date in 5 years. Word must have gotten out.
For the first group date, Womack ushers the contestants into a luxury suite at the circus. From the ladies’ responses to the streamers and amenities in the luxury box, you would have thought they had just been told that a basket of kittens had just been elected president of their sorority. The ladies and Brad then go down to celebrate in theater of the absurd, replete with ringmaster and clowns, as they are brought out under the big top to a crowd that is more than likely a little stunned. I can’t imagine how those conversations with children and their parents at the circus must have gone. “Mommy, who is that man in a suit, and why does he have six women with vacant stares following him like puppies?” They could have at least eased the shock by bringing all seven of them out in one tiny car. Near the end of the circus, Brad gives Stefi a rose for being honest and emotionally available. Nice move, but I think his kindness may eventually bite him in the butt. To be continued, let’s just say.
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Following the circus, Hillary gets the one-on-one date with Brad, in which they plan to jet off to San Francisco for a private dinner and some ice cream sundae-making at the Ghirardelli factory. Just like any first date. Much to the dismay of the other girls, Hillary also receives $1 million of rented jewels. I don’t know if the oven had been left on or what, but the rest of the women temporarily lose their minds and act like the jewelry is an engagement gift from Brad. I assume they’ve never seen the show before. Apparently he chose Hillary because she always makes him laugh. Never one to bow to stereotypes, apparently, Hillary quickly flips the tables on Brad once they arrive at dinner in San Francisco and starts the waterworks after confessing to him that even if she gets sent home, she is so happy to realize that there are good men in the world and true love really does exist. I mean, we are talking severe emotional problems here, folks. Once again, though, Brad cuts through the thick scent of Eau de Desperation which Hillary is wearing so thickly and shows pity for the emotional basketcase and gives her a rose. He really does seem to be a nice guy, but I am worried. The longer he keeps from sending any of these fantasizing women home, the harder the earthquake will be when that second shoe inevitably falls for them. Let’s just remember later that I called this.
After his return from dramaville with Hillary, Brad goes out on a sailing date with the remaining women. Let’s just rapid-fire through this thing: He finds a connection with Kristy; Solisa shakes her butt for Brad with a lap dance, about which she says, “It is the only thing I know how to do.”
A quick aside regarding Solisa. It was recently brought to my attention that she actually auditioned, and made the first cut, for American Idol back in 2002. Call me jaded, but auditioning for two of America’s top reality shows in a five-year period certainly seems like a desperate grab for her 15 minutes of fame. Maybe if she doesn’t win this one, she can apply for “Age of Love” in a few years. Finally, Sheena almost gets arrested for wreckless operation of a small watercraft. Bettina confuses the hell out of Brad by admitting she has been divorced. Someone gets a rose. Everyone else hates her. I love how the producers constantly have Brad handing out roses in front of all the other women. Thet jealousy, insecurity and hate is palpable.
For the final bit of (allegedly) compelling television, Brad’s identical twin Chad is brought in to test the women. Brad apparently wants to make sure the women are falling for him and not just someone who looks like him, or, probably more likely, jumping at the chance to stay on a TV show for as long as possible. Not much comes out of this. A few of the girls never uncover that Chad is not Brad, while some realize it immediately. Nothing too revelatory, to be honest. Kinda seems like a weird “Days of Our Lives” episode. Sure, some of them should know right away that Chad is not Brad, but I don’t really care one way or another and I need to wrap this thing up.
The rose ceremony follows the twin chicanery. Brad says goodbye to Sarah, one of the few completely thrown off by the twin twist; Lindsey leaves and says she will not sit there and cry about something that wasn’t there. She then walks off crying and returns to cry on camera and delivers a weird soliloquy about how hard she has looked for a man, and how she wants to be married and have kids. Even the snarkiest of bloggers has to feel for this kind of emotional distress. Last, but certainly not least, Solisa departs, saying that she got booted even though she “wears her special parts on the outside.” Indeed. Well, Solisa, there’s always the chance of finding reality fame on “The Real Housewives of Williamson County” in a few years.
In happier news, the Yankees lost. Sadly, the same can not be said for the Cowboys.
Permalink | Comments (4) | Categories: 'The Bachelor' Austin
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By Elizabeth
October 9, 2007 10:25 AM | Link to this
I think you spoke too soon about the Cowboys.
By RAYMOND
October 9, 2007 7:43 PM | Link to this
The Grand Finale should be filmed @Oil Can Harry’s……..
By Amy
October 11, 2007 2:27 PM | Link to this
I would rather read your synopsis each week than see the show itself. It’s much more entertaining. You may dislike having to do this, but your biting wit is perfect for it. Keep up the good work.
By Jeff
October 16, 2007 2:55 PM | Link to this
I want to say this, and let me make this perfectly clear (nixonian). I haven’t watched this show. But in reading your synopsis I feel really sorry for this guy. How on earth did they get an American Idol washout whose greatest talent in “skin care” is to do a great lap dance? Howz about some average looking women who are good humans and make a few demands on the guy? Nawww…that would be TOO realstic. Trust me Bachelor…when the toilet stops up you will have to get the plunger out yourself, I dont care how much skin she shows. By the way, it is OK to have been married. Its really nice to get that first marriage out of the way early.