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‘The Bachelor’ recap: Episode 2
“The Bachelor” recaps: Now with 18 percent more oblique references.
With the most exciting team in the AFC playing on Monday Night Football and only the seventh one-game playoff in MLB history both taking place on Monday night, if ever there was a time for me to invest in a DVR, it would be now. Alas, I will rely on my unparalleled flipping ability to get it all in. But if I accidentally call the Bachelor Jake Peavy or refer to one of the contestants as Brady, I hope you will all understand. My friends certainly won’t.
Tonight promises a race for the Bachelor’s heart and the sexiest Bachelor date ever. I find that a little hard to believe, and I’ve only seen one season. The first group date finds Womack taking a group of ladies to the Del Mar racetrack. What follows is a bunch of ridiculous vamping for the camera as the future ladies of the Red Hat Society cheer on horses that have already been bet for them. And not one, “Come on, Dover…come on, Dover….” Needless to say, boo.
Back at the mansion, into which the remaining 15 have moved, the next ‘date box’ shows up, greeted by more squealing and theatrics than a Backstreet Boys concert. The remaining ladies are informed that their group date will involve a trip to Malibu for some hot fun in the sun. Michelle gets pumped that the girls are going to get to show off their tans. But she gets a little too excited and goes Gus Frerotte, falling down a flight of stairs in preparation for the date. As the ambulance appears and the others look on in mock terror, it appears the girl from Jersey may be trying to take a page out of Salty Dog Bevin’s playbook from last season. Good luck with that, Jersey.
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Hillary meanwhile is doing her mathematical best, I imagine, at the track to convince Womack how much she likes him. On a scale of 1 to 10, she says, she’d give him an 11 1/2. Really, Hillary? If you’re gonna break the rule of the rating system, wouldn’t it have been smarter to tell him he was a 100? Or would that be too unbelievable, I guess? Eleven-and-a-half still seems plausible, right? Like you really, really mean it. And, since when did they start letting 7th graders on shows like this? Jade watches the Bachelor’s one-on-one date with binoculars and has already begun to perfect the Evil Eye.
As a bit of a departure from the norm, we have a celebrity (of sorts) cameo, as Shaun Phillips, linebacker for the 1-3 San Diego Chargers enters the suite. Maybe he was a runner-up for “The Bachelor” and they threw him a bone. Honestly, I have no idea. Apparently he was in the suite next door and just popped over. Even more surprisingly, McCarten seemed to recognize the second-alternate to the AFC Pro Bowl squad in 2006. Weird. Not as weird, five of the girls slipped him their phone numbers on his way out of the box. Maybe McCarten should stick to being a football groupie, and hope they have lower standards than Womack, because, in a two second departure form reality, she made a horrific attempt at a kiss when she got the Bachelor alone. It was as if she had no sense of timing or energy or chemistry and just decided she would force some intimacy on the dude when he least expected it. To his credit, Womack joked about the unsmooth move later and said that he hoped the next kiss was better. Oh, snap, someone call a slambulance for McCarten.
Womack ends up giving his “first impression rose” to DeAnna, who is busy doing her best to drive home the Georgia connection and prove she is a nice girl, if a little shy. Yawn. More Evil Eye from Jade and Alex Forrest from Hillary. I predict disconcerting and scary behavior from her.
Womack approaches the second group date a little concerned that the next group of girls will have much to live up to. Fear not, my friend. Seven twenty-somethings with hot bods in bikinis to the rescue. Tragedy narrowly averted.
Sheena admits what all the other girls are thinking when she says that although they are not happy Michele is hurt, it is one less person in the competition. Ah, you can always rely on reality television to bring out the best in people. Womack, who, when told of the injury initially seemed to have trouble remembering which one Michele was, heads out on the patio for some quick consolation. He tells her that he thinks she’s tough, and that’s sexy. Concussion worth it.
The second date devolves into body shots and tales of ‘craziest thing you’ve ever done’ rather quickly. Solisa, the girl from Georgetown (TX), confesses that she really wants Brad to see that she’s a free spirit. And that said free spirit rests in a body that sports a D-cup, apparently. She lays on a table and has the bartender from Austin do a body-shot off her. Thanks to some genius editing by the crack staff of “The Bachelor,” we then cut to her professing to Womack her love for Jesus and the fact that she is a woman of high moral standards. Brad seems a little skeptical (kudos, again, Brad) and then we cut to Solisa jumping out of a hottub and running topless into the ocean. Just like they teach in Sunday school.
During the date, Stephi tries to uncover whether Brad prefers shy or outgoing types. She hedges her bets by being quiet for part of the date and then, as the ying to that yang, offers the Bachelor a body-shot. Jenni spends some alone time with Womack and gets a kiss from him (then cackles like she just beat Chief in a game of one-on-one, but does not walk out of the date with the “first impression rose.” That goes to Sarah, whom Lindsey is quite certain must be fake. That’s pretty rich coming from a model.
With the two group dates in the books, it’s last-ditch-effort time for the women as they try to convince Brad they are worth keeping around. In a bit of extreme privacy invasion (I know, they are on T.V., how ironic) Jade and some of the girls have dug through Jenni’s bag and discovered she brought her modeling portfolio with her. This leads to amazing histrionics and ethical posturing by the women who feel Jenni is just on the show to further her career. Jade decides to talk to Brad because she “really wants him to know” that some girls may have ulterior motives. In fact, she wants him to know so badly, she doesn’t even explain about whom she is speaking. And the winner for Most Passive Aggressive goes to Jade. Meanwhile, the winner for first to shed tears goes to Phoenix Suns cheerleader Jenni, who has overheard the catty remarks about her and is shocked and in disbelief. Would she really have brought a portfolio on this show just to further her careeer, when she could just deal with getting her 15 minutes once the show airs? Possible things at play here: A) She is the dumbest cheerleader of all time. B) She is a victim of character assassination. C) Who cares? D) Not me.
Michele from Jersey is sitting wounded out on the veranda hoping to convince Brad that, although she did not get a date with him, and he might not even know her name, she is really a good girl and worth keeping around. Michele confesses that, despite being 30, she does not want kids right away (maybe in 9 months) and that she wants to use her time to travel. And pay off her student loans. What? That’s supposed to be attractive? I mean goals and fiscal responsibility are nice and all, but couldn’t she have told a better story. Poor girl really had her feet put to the fire. She basically has to give him her resume and life-story in about four uncomfortable minutes. It must have felt like her interview at Hooter’s.
In a very telling moment later, Mallory admits to Brad that her dream date would include him feeding her potatoes and fruit in bed for breakfast, followed by watercoloring and reading. Is she from the retirement colony part of Hawaii? Isn’t that called Florida? What am I missing here? Womack asks if her dream scenario involves work, and she blanches at the question like a 3-year-old who just tried buttermilk for the first time. Well, this ol’ Georgia boy really is a self-made boot-strapper, asking if work is involved in a dream date scenario. But, I gotta hand it to him, he seems to be doing a decent job of weeding out those who don’t meet his criteria.
Not surprisingly, Mallory and her idea of a septagenarian dream date, along with Michele and her broken — whatever she hurt…allegedly! — and Erin, the girl who recently suffered a broken face, all got sent packing. Poor Erin, she said that the show, er, journey had really restored her faith in relationships. Reality television, you can’t write this stuff.
Click here for photos from episode 2.
Click here for all things ‘Bachelor’-related.
Permalink | Comments (2) | Categories: 'The Bachelor' Austin
Comments
Austinites love to be heard, and we're giving you a bullhorn. We just ask that you keep things civil. Leave out the personal attacks. Do not use profanity, ethnic or racial slurs, or take shots at anyone's sexual orientation or religion. If you can't be nice, we reserve the right to remove your material and ban users who violate our Visitor's agreement. Click here to report comment abuse.
By Lisa
October 2, 2007 1:41 PM | Link to this
Thanks for the laughs. I am an avid fan of The Bachelor, but even a bigger fan of your commentary.
By Emily
October 3, 2007 2:07 PM | Link to this
I have no idea how you managed to watch football, baseball and bad, although addicting, reality TV. I luckily DVR’d the Bachelor and watched it last night and was eager to find what humourous insights the “MO” had. Keep it up!