Home > The M.O. > Archives > 2007 > September > 24 > Entry
‘The Bachelor’ recap: Episode one
‘The Bachelor’ recaps: Now with 12 percent more sarcasm.
I thought it would be a one-off bit. I thought my days of watching non-Bravo-programmed reality television would be as short-lived as last season’s eight episodes of made-for-TV wife-hunting humiliation. I was wrong.
After being goaded into giving recaps of “The Bachelor” last season, a show I had never seen even five minutes of previously, I figured my tenure as snarky reality-TV blogger would fade into Web obscurity. But then word came that the new Bachelor was an Austinite. And, well, there’s local relevancy there; my bosses came down into the basement where I was hiding and told me that my services would be required yet again. I felt like Michael Corleone in “The Godfather III”…
Before we get to this season’s televised debacle, I want to go out on a limb and guess at some of the archetypes that will undoubtedly be on display this season. After last season, I think I can make a pretty good stab at how this will all go down. The Bachelor will be worshipped as a can’t-do-wrong Adonis with abs almost as perfect as his teeth. There will be lots of drinking and crying. The television show will always be referred to by contestants as “this journey.” One woman, who seemingly came on the show as a bet with friends, will find herself among the frontrunners, only to constantly battle with herself as to whether television is actually the place to find a husband. There will be scheming and back-stabbing, with one of the contestants, who probably suffers from neurosis and insecurity, making some serious headway while the other ladies wonder how someone so unstable (and trashy) can capture the heart of their man. The Bachelor will always be shown in a positive light and will rarely ever have to prove his worth to any of the ladies; that is their job. A few of the contestants will pine for their would-be husband yet be intimidated by the format of the show, refusing to acknowledge that, much like “Survivor,” “The Bachelor” is a contest. And there will be some wonderful connections made and some serious chemistry between several of the women and the Bachelor. Oh, and booze and bikinis. And booze. And hot tubs. And superlatives.
But I could be wrong, so let’s do this thing!
The show kicks off with a guarantee that it will be “better and sexier” than ever. Doesn’t seem like that should be too hard. But in case the average viewer did not read between the lines, the voiceover promises the “sexiest Bachelor” and “craziest women” yet. Crazy and sexy = good television. Don’t tell Ken Burns.
We find out early that Mr. Womack is a bit of a riches-to-rags-back-to-riches story. He grew up in Atlanta before a divorce led him and his mother and siblings to Texas. Unfortunately, viewers will probably only remember he is from Austin, but lest we never forget, that big ol’ Southern accent is 100 percent Georgia. State stereotypes have already been set back 100 years thanks to this program.
Womack, who quit college after a year or so to work as a roughneck or something for a decade, arrives in Malibu to find his future wife and wonders, “Who couldn’t fall in love here?” Well, to start, the first few hundred people who appeared on various versions of the show, er, journey on which you are about to embark. But, you were being rhetorical. I understand.
While Womack arrives at his Bachelor pad, the crazed women bounce around their hotel rooms like Catholic schoolgirls who have been main-lining Red Bull and snorting female-formulated Cialis for three weeks while foregoing food and sunlight. Lori (nicknames to come for all who make it past the first episode part of the journey) succinctly states what should be the intended goal for all the women this early on: “Don’t cry; don’t get drunk.” I imagine at least a few will not take her advice. Oh, the road to hell, and TV-marriage/reality fame, is paved with good intentions.
Cut to the journey’s host, Chris, asking Womack about his wealth and how a dude who owns bars in a city crawling with gorgeous twenty and thirty-somethings is on this journey. The Bachelor, who sheepishly confesses to being a millionaire (whether that is liquid or not is irrelevant, it seems), says that his relationships in the past have failed due to bad timing or the situation being wrong. Read: He spends too much time running bars and making money, I assume. Womack does profess to like all sorts of women: sexy, old-fashioned, crazy, quiet, etc., to which Chris responds that he has a schizophrenic sister whose tongue he’d happily cut out and they could just send everyone home. No, not really. In general, Womack seems sincere in his hope to find a wife, if not a little naive.
As night descends, Womack goes out on the driveway as the travelling cages, er, limos pull up with the amphetamized would-be Calypsos. Our heroic Bachelor then spends the next 15 minutes welcoming the women who attempt to make a strong first impression via all manner of odd behavior, from speaking (clumsily) in a foreign language to walking barefoot and generally falling all over themselves in full-gush mode. Possibly the best introduction line comes from Jessica, a news anchor from Florida, who tells the Bachelor that she had heard he was hot but she didn’t expect a fire extinguisher. Huh? That’s like saying she heard he was smart, but she didn’t expect him to be a lobotomy. Maybe she and Ms. Teen South Carolina were separated at birth. Not to be topped, Michele (ok, we’re going to go ahead and name her “Jersey Shore” already; no point in waiting when it’s that obvious) tells Flanagan that he is “everything I’m looking for.” Way to set standards, Ms. I-Just-Met-this-Dude-30-Seconds-Ago.
After their initial greeting, Womack heads into the mansion for a little meet-and-greet and finds the drunken sorority sisters making homecoming mums for him. He says he is “literally beside himself.” Ouch. After displaying such proper usage of the subject and object pronouns in earlier conversation, quite the tricky grammatical minefield, Womack trips up with the ol’ “I was literally…” But, as it turns out, he does have an identical twin, so we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. I literally just bit my metaphorical tongue.
The next few hours, or minutes — I have no idea how they edit this show, but I did hear one woman say that hopefully she’d be proposed to in six weeks — consist of Womack doing his chivalric best to spend a few minutes with each of the ladies. Nothing too exciting comes from these interactions, so I’ll give you the high points, and we can delve into more detail as the weeks continue — that is if I don’t literally gouge out my eyes.Stephanie and Erin play a game of one-upsmanship in seeing who has broken their face more often. Jenni, a dancer for the Phoenix Suns, gets the First Impression Rose (don’t ask); Lindsey gives the Bachelor a yellow rose and then butchers what I think may have been “The Yellow Rose of Texas;” Melissa gets wasted, loses a falsie and sounds drunker and more desperate than girls at 2 a.m. at the Chuggin’ Monkey; Morgan decides to differentiate herself by showing Womack her webbed toes. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2007 fall candidates for most likely to humiliate themselves over the next two months.
After the roses are distributed, at least half the ladies who left rose-less bid fond farewell to their 15 minutes. And cry. Really? After one night? In the words of one of the contestants, “Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.”
The tease for next week and the rest of the season promises fighting, tears, bikinis, calls to 911 and making out. Lots of making out. After all, it is the sexiest, craziest, most fantabuloustest Bachelor ever.
It’s gonna be a long two months.
Permalink | Comments (7) | Categories: 'The Bachelor' Austin
Comments
Austinites love to be heard, and we're giving you a bullhorn. We just ask that you keep things civil. Leave out the personal attacks. Do not use profanity, ethnic or racial slurs, or take shots at anyone's sexual orientation or religion. If you can't be nice, we reserve the right to remove your material and ban users who violate our Visitor's agreement. Click here to report comment abuse.
By Jen
September 25, 2007 9:18 AM | Link to this
How IS this show edited? The cocktail hour and debauchery seemed to take place at night, but as the loser ladies did their final interviews outside, the sun was out!? Did they party through the night and have the rose ceremony at 6AM or was it the next day? Miss Hawaii (pool girl) had definitely blow-dried!
By Mahalo
September 25, 2007 10:19 AM | Link to this
i’m sorry, but all shenanigans aside: when he started laughing at the webbed toes — c’mon — that was totally cute.
By Diana
September 25, 2007 10:39 AM | Link to this
Deat Matthew: I loved reading your recap of The Bachelor! Keep up the good work!
By Sylvie
September 25, 2007 11:16 AM | Link to this
Thanks M.O.! I watched last night simply because the bachelor is from Austin, and I’ve seen him out on Town Lake. The whole premise of the show is ridiculous, and your recap cleary expresses this sentiment. I mean, what are these women thinking? I, too, was cracking up when the castoffs were crying. I asked my husband if I ever exhibited some of the ridiculous behavior these women displayed when we were dating—thankfully I didn’t. Who shakes her butt at someone she’s just met? Classy babes.
By Nici
September 25, 2007 11:20 AM | Link to this
You know, it used to be a good show! I would actually hold Bachelor night at my house and invite friends to come watch. Now it is just a depiction of girls that are too immature to find real love and a man that is too rich to think about love. Basically, we a reverted back to arranged marriages. Too bad the only one that has lasted was Trista and Ryan. Men are just too busy looking for Ms Good looking to look for Ms Great attitude with a brain. And the girls are all too young to worry about getting married. They need to grow up before they can look for love.
By eliz.s.
September 25, 2007 11:56 AM | Link to this
Glad the recaps are back, MO!
By Lily
September 26, 2007 10:11 AM | Link to this
Great recap…very funny! Jen: I also noticed the blow dried hair on Ms. Hawaii, what a cheater!