Home > The M.O. > Archives > 2007 > April
April 2007
‘The Bachelor’: Episode #5 recap
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“Smells Like Teen Spirit”
Paige Maguire, music editor over at Austinist, passed along the link to this picture. The kid below is reportedly the baby from the Nirvana’s “Nevermind” album cover. Time keeps on slippin’, slippin’…
As Paige asked, “Feeling old yet?”
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“When the Levees Broke: A Requiem in Four Acts”
Last night I watched one of the most powerful and moving films I have ever seen in my life.
It’s been about 20 months since Hurricane Katrina devastated the Gulf Coast, and much of the region, especially New Orleans, is still in shambles. Following the hurricane, director Spike Lee took cameras into the region and began filming a documentary (“When the Levees Broke: A Requiem in Four Acts”) that tells the underreported story of a region and its people still reeling from the effects of the worst natural disaster in American history.
I realize that watching or talking about a film that came out 8 months ago may seem pointless, but I could not avoid sharing my thoughts on the film and strongly encouraging you to view it. You may ask what took me so long to watch the movie, which is a point well-taken. One of the reasons I had been postponing of late is the fact that my girlfriend evacuated to Austin from New Orleans, and the events and fallout surrounding Katrina were the most heartbreaking thing she has ever endured. Having seen bits of the film, she needed some time before she could return to the pain she had mourned since the destruction of her hometown of New Orleans. Last night, she decided it was time to revisit the life-changing event.
In the film, Lee avoids any heavy-handed proselytizing, adding almost no commentary or voice over of his own. Instead, he allows the people, the pictures and the sounds of New Orleans to tell the story for him, as any great documentarian should. The film ends up resembling a traditional New Orleans funeral, scored beautifully by New Orleans musician Terrence Blanchard.
This space is not the place for me to point fingers or make accusations laying blame at people’s feet, but witnessing the movie, you realize that there is plenty of blame to go around, from the local government to President Bush. The massive, historic failures and incompetence of the government (especially the federal government) are given facts at this point, and Lee generally spends less time casting blame and more time allowing the people to tell their stories. The pain, outrage, and hopelessness of the disenfranchised people of New Orleans are palpable in almost every scene.
The citizens portrayed in the film from the “city that care forgot” span the socio-economic spectrum, eliminating any cynical viewer’s loathsome opportunity to asperse any particular group. While the first half of the movie generally rehashes the tragedy that most of the public saw on television in those weeks (although delving deeper into the malaise with more graphic and heartbreaking original footage along with British television coverage) the second half of the movie tells the woefully disregarded tale of the reasons behind the levee breeches, the attempts of hundreds of thousands of people to rebuild their lives both in and out of New Orleans, and the unfortunately bleak prospects for the future of the most authentic culture and city in the United States.
The film had originally been commissioned to be two hours, but after nine trips to the region, the director felt compelled to double the length. At four hours, you will need to set aside an entire evening (and box of Kleenex and possibly a punching bag on which to release your anger with the horrific treatment of the storm’s victims) to watch the magnum opus.
Spike Lee has made some wonderful and topical films, but he has never made anything with this much heart, subtlety and soul. And it shall be his legacy. All Americans owe it to themselves to watch this film and recognize the plight of, and devastation and indignation suffered by, their fellow brothers and sisters.
(Almost everyone to whom I have mentioned this film in the past says, “Yeah, I hear it’s an amazing and heartbreaking film. I want to see it.” I, too, used to have that response when the movie was mentioned. Well, it’s readily available. Watch it.)
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‘The Bachelor’: Episode #4 recap
The ladies receive news that the first group date will center on gambling, but first, cocktails! As the ladies prepare to rendezvous with Andy for some sunset cocktails, Salty Dog; finally (again) breaks down (some more). Locked in the bathroom, she admits through stifled tears that she feels inadequate and is worried that she looks silly on crutches. The crutches don’t make you look silly, Salty Dog. The melodramatic, behavior of a “before” model for an anti-depressant commercial? Well, that’s another story.
The other girls, while increasingly suspicious of Salty Dog’s propensity for drama, help her get ready by steaming her dress and assisting her with her hair and make-up. She sprained her ankle, right? She didn’t have a stroke did she? Did I miss an episode? Did they show one only on the Internet and I just wasn’t around? What is going on?
During their SQT, Andy admits he’s a nerd. Attempting to enunciate in spite of a tongue heavy from the weight of booze, Andy tells Salty Dog that he used to do “all the science fairs in high school.” Nerds LARP on the weekends; nerds have pet rocks named Balrock that live in intricate cardboard boxes that they proudly call Khazad-dum; nerds draw pictures of girls like Salty Dog as elven She-ra princesses with skull swords and shredded animal skin bikinis that they stow away in their secret Trapper Keepers under their mattresses. Science fairs do not a nerd make, Andy.
After prattling on about his nerdiness, Andy confesses that there has been an evolution of Salty Dog. Well, if evolution means progressively becoming more despicable, pathetic and booze-bloated, then, well said, sir. As the two return back to the pack, Andy tells her that she is “his sanctuary.” Somebody’s been readin’Opening Love’s Door: The Seven Lessons back on his yacht, it appears.
That means it’s curtains for Shut Up (guess playing the mean girl has its drawbacks), Ole Smokey and Eyebrows, who is completely amazed that her 15 minutes of fame has come to a close. Don’t worry, Eyebrows, there’s always the strip club. Or Red Lobster.
Next week promises more of Salty Dog trying to monopolize Andy’s time and the ladies jockeying for “the most romantic date ever!”
“The Bachelor” - now with even more superlatives!
“Miss” any of the previous episodes? You’re in luck. Read the recaps here:
Episode #3 | Episode #2
As always, thanks to Tami for help with jokes.
(Ladies pictured from top to bottom: Salty Dog, Winnie Cooper, Eyebrows and Beaches.)
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‘Hot Fuzz’ takes comic aim at Hollywood’s buddy flicks
The 60-person line 30 minutes before show time was a testament to the positive buzz surrounding the new comedy from the creators of 2004’s zombie hit ‘Shaun of the Dead.’
The loyal fans of creative partners Edgar Wright (writer/director), Simon Pegg (writer/actor) and Nick Frost (actor) were not disappointed with the trio’s latest venture.
America’s big budget, buddy-cop blow-‘em-up films have been asking for a send-up for years. The clichéd action films almost satirize themselves with their homosexual innuendo, chest-puffing and cinematic explosions. But leave it to the British to perfect the tongue-in-cheek spoofing, in what seems to equate to both homage and lampoon.
The lads who so wonderfully spoofed zombie flicks in ‘Shaun of the Dead’ take dead aim at all of the tried-and-true Michael Bay/Jerry Bruckheimer buddy action flick devices to hilarious effect. Even the editing and sound design, almost deafening at times, is straight out of big-budget Hollywood.
Nicholas Angel (Pegg) has been performing his job as a London copper a little too well for the likings of his superiors in the big city (played with nod-and-wink cameos by Martin Freeman, Bill Nighy and Steve Coogan), so he is shipped off to the place where action goes to die — the fictional Sandford.
Upon his arrival, Angel sets about applying his no-nonsense policing tactics to the small country village, cracking down on underage drinking and arresting a man for driving while intoxicated. A man who, as it turns out, is one of his fellow officers of the law.
Angel’s background as a ‘real cop’ who has been involved in high-speed chases, as well as shot at and stabbed draws the instant admiration from Danny Butterman (Frost), an overweight, bumbling buffoon who idolizes the cops he has seen portrayed in films such as ‘Point Break’ and ‘Bad Boys 2.’ Butterman finds in Angel a real-life action hero, and he constantly peppers the increasingly aggravated Angel about real stories from the force. Frost’s hilarious, deadpanned lines should be enough (at least in my eyes) to warrant a Golden Globe nomination for actor in a supporting comedic role. His puppy-dog attachment to Angel and wild-eyed emulation of the Hollywood action heroes are fodder for the best lines of the film. And despite the fact that you know when and where most of the jokes are coming, they still kill. All of them.
The story takes on a bizarre turn as Angel discovers that all in sleepy Sandford is not as it appears. Here the movie takes a bit of a dark twist, bending genres with head-scratching aplomb, but the third act seems a bit unnecessary or at least prolonged. But when a cast is having as much fun making the movie (and making fun of countless other films referenced throughout) as it seems this lot had, one can hardly blame them for wanting it to never end.
Final grade: B+
Read Statesman film critic Chris Garcia’s interview with Pegg and Frost here.
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Time to get toasty
Potbelly will open shop at two locations in May: 2316 Guadalupe St. and The Shops at Arbor Walk at 10515 N. Mopac Blvd. (Loop 360), No. 300 (sorry, Michael, it won’t be downtown, per your suggestion). Chairman and CEO Bryant Keil says he’s excited about his company’s expansion.
“Austin is one of the coolest towns I’ve ever visited,” Keil said. “I love the people, the culture and the music. With Potbelly opening there, I have another reason to visit more often.”
In maintaining its commitment to local communities, the Potbelly on the Drag will feature furniture and pictures hand-selected for the Austin store. And, of course, live music.
If you’ve never had a toasted sandwich from Potbelly, I suggest you stop in to one of the two new locations. They definitely beat Which Wich, Subway, Schlotzsky’s, et al. (But not Food Heads or Kitchen Door).
Now if we could just get a Cosi to open on Congress Avenue.
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Cine Las Americas recommendations
Nonetheless, having seen a preview of the festival’s wonderful opening night film, “El Violin,” I am very excited about this year’s lineup, which has expanded to some 80 films. The fest will feature films from Brazil to the U.S., and many points in between. In hopes of getting a better idea of where to direct my film-going focus, I asked Lacey Pipkin, director of media relations for Cine, her recommendations for the festival. They are listed below:
Features
“Que Tan Lejos” (‘How Much Further”)
Tania Hermina, Ecuador
Friday, April 20, 7 p.m. at Regal Metropolitan
“Madeinusa”
Claudia Llosa, Peru/Spain
Monday, April 23, 7 p.m. at Regal Metropolitan
“36 Pasos” (“36 Steps”)
Adrián García Bogliano, Argentina
Wednesday, April 25. 9:45 p.m. at Alamo Drafthouse South
Shorts
International Shorts Program
Saturday, April 21, 4 p.m.at Regal Metropolitan
Documentaries
“Olhar Estrangeiro” (“Foreign Eye”)
Lucia Murat, Brazil
Sunday, April 22, 6 p.m. at Regal Metropolitan
“En El Hoyo” (“In the Pit”)
Juan Carlos Rulfo, Mexico
Tuesday, April 24, 7 p.m. at Bob Bullock Texas State History Museum IMAX Theater
“Ghosts of Cite Soleil”
Asger Leth, Denmark/USA/Haiti
Wednesday, April 25, 9 p.m. at Regal Metropolitan
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‘The Bachelor’: Episode #3 recap
“Big Sis” gushes that the couple is “absolutely perfect” for each other. (Nothing better portends a happy and healthy future together like making grandiose and saccharine speculations of one another’s perfections). “Winnie Cooper,” on the other hand, (and I can’t believe I’m actually saying this) seems to have a genuine moment with The Bachelor and expresses her interest in wanting to get to know him better. (Don’t mess this one up Kevin, er, Andy.) A helicopter swoops in to escort Andy and his chosen one away, and in the biggest “Oh, no he didn’t” moment of this season’s show, Andy actually begins to cry. It was probably just the wind. And the booze.
The sobbing soldier informs the women that “Winnie Cooper” will be flying home with him. Meanwhile, “Big Sis” is thrown overboard and forced to swim back to Tennessee. Not really. But that would be awesome. With sharks in the water. And a rumor of buried treasure. (Psssst, hey, producers, call me.) A tearful “Big Sis” vows to move forward with her life, saying “I’m definitely going to find the man of my dreams … (on FOX).”
Having rid himself of “Big Sis,” it was time for the Love Boat to scrape off a couple more barnacles. As is their weekly want, the contestants all make their final pitch. “Silent Treatment” bails on the competition, seemingly not understanding that her physical connection with Andy will not be enough; “Shut Up” attempts to prove to Andy that she’s not a crazy sorority girl but is left wondering what she can do to prove this short of rescuing an orphan from a fire; the two Stephanie’s engage in a ludicrous game of “one of these things is not like the other” (as Andy makes the hyper-astute observation that two women can share the same name and still be very different); and “Salty Dog” pouts her way into a kiss and makes the embarrassing proclamation that this is the best experience she has ever had.
The politicking done, it’s heartbreak time. Andy offers a rose to each of the following: Amber (shrugs all around); “Crude Attempts” (who’s shown an uncanny ability to go from sobby to silly in 4.5 seconds); “L.D.P”. (visible gulp from “Eyebrows”); “Over Achiever” (who seems to be using her brain to stay in the fight); “Shut Up” (who classily admits that Andy “scared the crap” out of her), “Ole Smokey” (who was waiting with labored breath); and “Eyebrows” (who seems a bit humbled but still gross).
Tonight, we say goodbye to “Silent Treatment,” who proves that being quiet and pretty is not enough, and “Tweedle Dumb,” who will get back to Louisiana with some nice padding for her résumé for the Miss De Soto Parish Azalea Pageant.
Previews for next week’s episode promise a nasty and melodramatic scene as the party moves to Lake Tahoe while tonight’s show closes with a shot of “Shut Up” attempting to open a bottle of champagne with a corkscrew and “Tweedle Dumb” imploring her “not to pop it in my face.”
See you next week ladies.
Did you “miss” the last episode? Check out the recap here.
(A special word of thanks to my favorite ‘bachelorette’ for allowing me to use her brilliant mind for all of the recaps.)
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ATHF: Not enough laughs to fill 90 minutes
Several years ago, my friends and I would meet up at my buddy Pope’s house, fire up the grill, crack open a frozen bottle of Tito’s and sit back and laugh to the point of tears at the absurdity that is Adult Swim’s ‘Aqua Teen Hunger Force.’ The ritualistic gathering celebrated the rapid-fire, bite-size portions of ridiculous hilarity of these anthropomorphic food items. Unfortunately, the attempt to stretch that tasty morsel of comedy gold into a 90-minute meal with the new ‘Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters’ fails rather miserably.
Fans of the show will certainly be the only folks lured into paying $8 to go see animated fast food endure an intergalactic journey to discover the nature of their origin/defeat the evil mastermind behind a Frankenstein exercise machine/do whatever the hell it is the supposed plot of this film purports to be, but even they will most likely be disappointed.
The joy and beauty of the ATHF cartoon has always been the strong characters writers Matt Maiellaro and Dave Willis concocted in their twisted minds, and the relationships between these victims of unknown circumstance. The sweet, confused Meatwad (voice by Willis) and uncontrollably sardonic, sex-crazed Master Shake (Dana Snyder) constantly wear on the thin patience of blaxploitation-influenced Frylock (Carey Means), the elder of the group who must repeatedly keep his outrage in check. The frenetic dialogue of the three characters harkens back to the interplay of the Three Stooges.
Sadly, in “ATHFCMFFT” the dynamic among the three is generally lost in a sea of confused narratives — the writers seem to have written one sequence, woken up the next morning and written the next without ever having gone back to look at what they had written previously. Unlike most television shows-cum-movies that exhaust one contrived bit for 90 minutes, “ATHFCMFFT” schizophrenically skips from one plot device to the next, never fully engaging the audience. To their credit, I guess, the filmmakers remained true to the intention of the show: always be ridiculous and make as little sense as possible. But, as with most pyschedelia, it is more palatable in smaller doses.
There are few moments of the brilliant, caustic, and generally deadpan, wit that make the television show such a joy, but they are too few and far between. In fact, the biggest laughs probably come in the title sequence, which had me laughing out loud. So, if you go, get thee to the theater on time, a task I would imagine may be asking a bit much from this film’s target demographic.
If you’re a fan of the show, you’ll probably see the film regardless of my advice, but I suggest you wait for the movie to come out on DVD. And in the meantime, fire up the grill, break out the beverage of your choice and take in some Adult Swim to get your ATHF fix.
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Turk Pipkin continues down a Nobel path
A few years ago, one of Pipkin’s young daughters asked him about the overriding problems facing the world. Somewhat at a loss for an answer, Pipkin set out to ask (and film) some of the greatest minds in the world about the challenges the human race faces as we enter the 21st century. The film, “Nobelity,” became, in effect, Pipkin’s legacy project. He was intent on finding out how he and the rest of the world could leave the planet and its inhabitants in better shape for future generations.
The overwhelming success and positive feedback Pipkin (and his wife and producer Christy Ellinger Pipkin) received in making the film led to the establishment of The Nobelity Project, a nonprofit organization dedicated to increasing awareness and education about global issues. Inspired by his talks with the nine Nobel Laureates featured in the film, and backed by the outpouring of support and from people across the country who were moved by the documentary, Pipkin has set out to make a follow-up documentary titled “One Peace at a Time.” As the filmmaker/author/actor said Tuesday night, “Some roads, when you get on, there’s no turning back.”
The film, the title of which is a nod to sage advice Pipkin incurred from laureates Bishop Desmond Tutu and Wangari Maathai, seeks to find answers and solutions to the problems posed in the first film. Instilled with the belief that humanity is a t a crucial turning point, Pipkin hopes to express to audiences that one individual can indeed affect change on the world in which we live.
To that effect, among the celebrities and power-brokers in attendance Tuesday night’s reception at 501 Studios was Matthew Dowd, former chief strategist for the Bush campaign in 2004. As you are probably aware, Dowd, and his disenchantment with the Bush administration, was featured on the front page of the New York Times (subscription) on April 1. In his interview with Jim Rutenberg, Dowd stated that he may well be done with working in politics and mentioned that he senses a greater calling in his life, possibly as a missionary or working to help development of third world countries. It was very telling to see that Dowd made an appearance to hear Pipkin discuss and screen examples of the work he has done in the troubled parts of Africa and the Indian subcontinent. Despite having to shake hands and accept pats-on-the-back of encouragement regarding his defection from the Bush camp, it seemed to me that Dowd listened and watched with intention, as Pipkin spoke about issues that Dowd had so recently discussed as being near to his heart.
In addition to Dowd, other notable Austinites in attendance at the event that featured delicious food from local providers Hudson’s on the Bend, Maneul’s and Cissi’s Market, included Asleep at the Wheel frontman Ray Benson and his date KXAN’s Michelle Valles (camera crew in tow), Mayor Will Wynn and John Paul DeJoria (of Paul Mitchell fame).
Although Pipkin stopped short of Red McCombs’ famous fundraising tactic of locking the door until people pulled out their wallets, his message came across loud and clear, as I overheard verbal commitments of financial support from many in attendance who expressed a desire to be a part of Pipkin’s latest project.
If you want to learn more about the Nobelity Project or Pipkin’s first film, “Nobelity,” read my interview with Pipkin from last year’s SXSW and visit the film’s and non-profit’s Web sites.
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‘The Bachelor’ recap
Before tonight I had never seen an episode of ABC’s hit realty show, so I did not know much going in. Sure, I understood the basic principle: a hunky bachelor with a pearly white smile and not too terribly much in the way of personality is courted by a bevy of 20-something women with equivalent traits. But I was left with quite a few questions.
Does this dude really expect to find true love under the glare of the national television spotlight? Do these women expect to be able to maintain any sense of dignity (if they had any to being with) and out-battle their fellow contestants for the privilege of a made-for-tv romance? Are all parties involved really looking for true love or is this a feeble quest for fame and the attention of adoring viewers and snide bloggers such as myself? Will I surprise myself and find these attention whores quite redeemable and intriguing? Do any of these questions really matter? Of course not. Now, on to the train wreck/freak show that is “The Bachelor,” episode #2. (And, to answer the unasked question, I missed the premiere, as there was this little basketball game on television last Monday. Priorities, folks. I think I’ll probably be able to catch up.)
The tease for tonight’s show indicates that we are in for a healthy dose of everyone hating on Stephanie along with a couple of group dates that will find the women vying for Lieutenant Lovesick’s affections.
Our Bachelor, Andy, kicks off the battle royal, as he exclaims, “Let Operation: Soul Mate begin!” No better way to find your soul mate than thru a good old fashioned cage match. On national television. Somewhere Cupid has turned his bow & arrow on himself.
The first group date starts with champagne in the middle of the day. As the gals are chauffeured down the Sunset Strip, one of the contestants vacuously remarks about Mel’s Diner, “This place is famous!” A perfect testament to the fact that many of these vapid bags find value only in that which they are told is important.
The traveling party moves on to an authentic L.A. honky tonk where the women cattle are staged to ride simulate sex on a mechanical bull in an attempt to compete for Andy’s love. It’s been awhile since I’ve been to a rodeo, but I don’t remember having seen too many bulls that move like that. Like a man. Having sex. With a woman.
Tessa cleverly decides to stand out by faking an injury, which seemed like a good idea. But if she really wanted to take the bull by the horns, she should have committed to the injury/joke rather than immediately bailing with an “I’m OK,” as soon as she got his attention. Chevy Chase would not approve.
So everyone fell off but Danielle (I think), about whom Andy remarked “she’s unbelievable!” and chose her for the date. Not sure if all gals were aware the bull ride was an actual competition for the date and not just a fun-for-Andy/male viewer rating escalator and really pervy diversion.
The girls then were whisked away to a hotel suite with a bunch of evening gowns to try on; Tiffany (“Dead Eyes”) commented excitedly that she had never had a date “take her to a room full of dresses before.” Well, guess what, Dead Eyes (“Tiffany”), here’s one for the diary, you have now had a production company take you to a room full of dresses.
Dressed in gowns, the girls meet Andy on a smoggy L.A. rooftop terrace for evening cocktails. Upon seeing the girls, the wide-eyed Andy responded “OH MY GOSH!” like a jr. high boy looking at his sister’s slumber party through a key hole or a boy scout finding the new issue of Highlights in the mail. One of the girls commented it looked like a scene right out of a movie…or in this case…a television show.
The girls chit chat and obsess over kissing strategies for first dates in an effort to get a feel for how others will play and how they should proceed with their own maneuverings. During some one-on-one time with Andy, Alexis discusses her home-schooling and pompously/naively reveals that she didn’t miss having a traditional education because she didn’t “need to learn my morals from 13-year olds.” She also, not surprisingly, admits to being “very old fashioned.” Yea, like Little House on the Prairie old-fashioned.
When asked by Alexis (“Laura Ingalls”) to describe his morals, Andy says he’s “conservative but open minded” (read: I’m against gay marriage but I’d watch two chicks make out).
While the gals jockey for Andy’s time, Bevin (“Salty Dog”) gets more and more frustrated (and more and more drunk on martinis). The graphic says she’s 28; yea, 28 ten year ago.
Andy toasts the women to a “classy night,” and we all know nothing says class like three-inch inch heels, bikinis and some wild HOT TUBS-n-BOOZE action.
Sensing Salty Dog’s (“Bevin’s) patience at its limit, Andy decides to pull her into the pool for some QT. As she makes her way from the hot tub into the pool, we see that Salty Dog (“Bevin”) has the tattoo daily double: a Chinese character on her shoulder and a tramp stamp.
Erin, the financial analyst from Dallas, babbles on about something I can’t follow because I keep getting distracted by the fact that she reminds me of a grown-up JonBenet Ramsay with a pill habit.
Andy decides to pick Tiffany for alone time due to the fact that she was shy. On the drive up to a look out point the pair’s conversation meanders from a discussion about how hilly the drive is to talking about the fact that they’re “going up a lot of hills.” When the extremely “shy” Tiffany asks Andy why he picked her he replies, “You have a lot of depth but I could not see your true colors.” Andy then peppers Tiffany with questions in an attempt to get to know her better. The tight-lipped tiffany offers little in the way of response, wearing on the thin and confused patience of an already drunk Andy. This leaves Lt. Loquacious to confess that he had to “drive the conversation.” Drive it right over a cliff. Into a sea. Full of booze.
Andy kicks off group date #2, which we learned in the last bumper would be an abbreviated triathlon competition, with the ubiquitous proclamation, “Let’s have some mimosas!” During group banter Tina (“Over Achiever”), in an effort to separate herself from the perceived bimbos, admits that she “doesn’t have a lot in common with Luis Vitton purses” (or someone with casual conversation skills). In the meantime, Erin and Susan (“Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumb”) have formed an “alliance” and make an aborted attempt to pull Andy away but admit they are novices at approaching guys. As the Dimwitted Duo do their least to compete in Andy’s triathlon, they come off looking more like two of Heff’s girlfriends from “The Girls Next Door” than the accomplished, quasi-sophisticates the show hopes to portray.
The absurd athletic event ends with a slow mo shot (ala “Chariots of Fire”) of the photo finish between Amber and Danielle. Amber’s victory is rewarded with some brief alone time on the beach with Andy in which we learn that she’s great at cooking and he’s great at doing dishes. Andy smiles and begins to say “then you can cook and I’ll do the dishes” but catches himself before making such a tragic faux pax on national television.
With the two group dates out of the way, the self assured Stephanie (“Eyebrows”) prepares for the first one-on-one date. The abbreviated date at sea includes an obligatory “Titanic” bit, Andy giggling like Scooby Doo, the show’s first lip kiss and, of course, HOT TUBS-n-BOOZE! Back at the house the harpies play the “What bothers me the most about the girl on the date” game while swilling margaritas. With a nod to his perspicacity (and some clever editing) the Bachelor asks Stephanie how she is holding up to criticism back at the house. Stephanie sagely responds “some girls try to give me animosity” but reassures Andy that “not a lot of girls can throw at me what hasn’t already been thrown at me.” From the mouths of babes (or bar whores with a track record of stealing bff’s boyfriends).
Stephanie returns home to find a few girls waiting on the stairs who quickly return to bed dejected after seeing her with the coveted rose. The evening concludes with the courtesans gossiping like diet coke-amped high school girls and Stephanie doing her best Mistress of Disinformation routine.
With the second rose ceremony rapidly approaching, the girls make last-minute moves to plea their case, with Over Achiever (“Tina”) admitting that she is perhaps too ambitious and Peyton (“Big Sis”) explaining the passion that she has for her work. Remember, she’s a sorority recruiter. Meanwhile, Laura Ingalls (“Alexis”) has been potentially outed as a virgin: “It (sexuality) is something I will share with the guy I am dating not a group of strangers,” but maybe the nation, apparently. Andy seems conflicted by his pending decision, stating “I’m a healer. Instilling pain doesn’t go well with my heart or mind.”
Nonetheless, he is still flattered by the attention and admits, “I can’t believe they are all here for me.” Well, you and the fine meals, a temporary life of luxury, a minute-and-a-half of forgettable minor celebrity and free HOT TUBS-n-BOOZE. Remaining last ditch efforts include Salty Dog (“Bevin”) awkwardly admitting she’s been on her own since fifteen; Danielle (“Crude Attempts”) getting a pitty kiss on her water-logged ear only to immediately proclaim she’ll no longer need to use her ear medicine now (ew); Nicole (who constantly seems in desperate need of her next cigarette) “dirty” dancing yet again with the fumbling drunk Andy all the while chit chatting desperately about how dancing is “their thing;” Tessa tearing away for a pitty party cry time with Big Sis (putting her mentoring to work for the camera) to the rescue. The 11th hour antics subsided; it’s time for Lt. Love Boat to whittle his wooden fifteen down to a Daft Dozen.
In the rose ceremony, Dead Eyes (“Tiffany”) sees her dream end as did Susan, one half of the Dimwitted Duo. How Andy differentiated between her and Erin is beyond me. And, in maybe the most surprising move of the night, Lt. Landshark also gives Laura Ingalls “Alexis”) the green light to run home to Paw.
In a true move of benevolence by the production company, the credits roll as we see footage of four of the dumbest of the ladies trying to figure out the math behind the rose ceremony. God bless you, ABC.
Next week promises an overreaction that leads to a 911 call, mud fights, and a humiliating boot camp experience — good fodder for any second date, really.
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The Masters: As green as it gets
First of all, there is no denying that the Masters is the greatest golf event in the world for my money. The sad thing is that despite golf’s international growth over the years and the impact Tiger Woods has had in taking the sport to a broader demographic, the most important and cherished tournament in the world is still played at the home of a bunch of very rich, very old white men in a state with a spotty civil rights record, to say the least. In the vein of exclusivity, the Masters is also the least inclusive field in golf due to its stringent invitation criteria.
As for the changes made to the course over the past few years, they have taken away a lot of the charm of the course and changed the way the tournament is played. Eagles are almost nonexistent, and even birdies have diminished to the point that a score over par won this year’s tournament. The U.S. Golf Association has already jerked with the Open to a ridiculous degree to make winning scores approach par, so I guess it is only natural that Augusta follow in its footsteps. But shaving off one or two hundred yards would make it much more entertaining to watch. With so many bogeys and so few birdies, rare are the wild cheers from galleries on Saturday and Sunday. As they walked off the 18th green, players looked like they’d just spent five hours getting their butts whipped. Much of that could be attributed to Mother Nature, but the longer course played a role as well.
When play began Sunday I imagine that you couldn’t get anything close to even-money odds that Tiger Woods would win. And for awhile, it seemed as if Tiger would march to a historic 5th green jacket. Tiger began play a few strokes back, but almost on cue, the leaders began to struggle, and Tiger made up ground. The one man who didn’t struggle was eventual winner Zach Johnson. Although I like to cheer for underdogs, I had no interest in seeing this nobody win his second career tournament at Augusta. Just like with the big games in other sports, I want to see the big names win the big events. Sure, I think Tiger is a bit overexposed, but I wanted to see him step up when all of the money is on the line. That is why I watch sports, to see the world’s best athletes competing at the top of their game on the biggest stage. Of course, I also like underdog stories, but this Johnson cat didn’t do anything for me.
And he really didn’t do anything for me at the end of his round. With Tiger still in the hunt (two down with three to play), Johnson celebrated with friends and family on the side of the 18th green. His wife and friends surrounded him, and when Bill McAtee went to ask Johnson how he felt, the golfer went to the Jesus card. I am all for athletes (or anyone for that matter) living a life of faith (any faith), but to parade it in the manner Johnson did was a bit tough to swallow, especially considering the tournament had not been won, and Tiger was still lurking. Johnson conveyed how significant it was for him to win on Easter Sunday and that he felt Jesus was out there with him on the course. Apparently Jesus loves being at Augusta as much as the patrons do.
Before anyone gets all worked up about me taking issue with the thanks he gave or the manner in which he celebrated, understand that my biggest beef was with the fact that he actually broke down into tears while giving an interview surrounded by his family. If Tiger Woods (or any golfer, for that matter) is out on the course with a chance to tie your score, you best be on the driving range staying loose or sitting in the scorer’s tent collecting your thoughts and staying focused. Johnson should be giving thanks that Tiger did not birdie two of the final holes in regulation, because if taken to a playoff, Woods would have made Johnson his champion’s dinner Sunday. I will give the young golfer a pass, because it is a position in which he is not accustomed to being, and he played his butt off, showing nerves of steel unmatched in the field yesterday. But he would be wise to not count his chickens next time, if there is a next time.
But maybe the funniest part of the coverage, and Johnson’s naiveté, was on display when he was presented the green jacket in the Butler Cabin, the holiest of sites for American golf and certainly for Augusta National. Johnson individually thanked each of his sponsors, a move unheard of at sacrosanct Augusta National. You could almost hear the blood boiling in Augusta chairman Billy Payne’s head when the young Johnson began listing his litany of sponsors like a NASCAR driver. The upside of this hilarious moment, however, was the shocked look and repressed laughter of Phil Mickelson as we watched this newbie step in it. Certainly Phil knows that golfers are expected to bow their heads, compliment the course and the members and say thank you at Augusta. That is all. This tournament makes certain that every bit of marketing, branding and image-making they do is done in a very measured way; for example, did you once hear the announcers mention the winning purse? Certainly Johnson’s lack of etiquette and his aw-shucksiness don’t make him a bad guy, but they did reinforce in me the wish that Tiger (or Retief Goosen or Stuart Appleby) could have ruined his one shining moment.
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KLRU’s Echoes of Color Community Engagement Film Series finale
Following the screening, there will be a discussion of the impact of discrimination moderated by Dr. Edmund T. Gordon, director of the University of Texas Center for African and African American Studies.
More about the episode of “Frontline” from KLRU: “One day in 1968, a teacher in a small, all-white Iowa town divided her third-grade class into two groups — blue-eyed children versus brown-eyed children — to give them a daring lesson in discrimination. One day the students with blue eyes received special treatment like extended recess and extra praise. The next day the brown-eyed students received the special treatment. The groups were not allowed to interact with each other during this experiment. The riveting classic documentary “A Class Divided” shows the lasting impact on the children and its enduring power nearly 40 years later.”
KLRU’s Echoes of Color Community Engagement Film Series
6 p.m. Tuesday, April 10
The George Washington Carver Museum and Cultural Center (map)
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Those crazy White Ghost Shivers
An email from the band explains:
“The Shivers wanted me to pass along their sincere apologies for any news reports they made you flub or any heartbreak they caused with their “Last Show” jest… Happy April Fools! “Shivers last show? Not in your wildest dreams! They just wanted to give their second-favorite holiday a kick in the pants and remind people how much fun (or trouble) April Fools’ jokes can be. “In case you weren’t at Stubbs on April 1 to catch the show, they wrote song just for the occasion called “Sick of Your S***” which featured never-on-vocals (for a reason) sax/clarinet player John Doyle and bass player Mike Poppitt along with the rest of the Shivers singing about their post-WGS plans: everything from basketball to Broadway to bluegrass. Hilarious!”
So, for all of those wondering, the band is not finished. In fact, they’re playing The Mohawk on Thursday evening.
Party on, Wayne.
Photo of WGS from their MySpace page.
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Live Blog: Opening day for the Astros
The Astros begin the season with some question marks in the rotation. After Roy Oswalt, and newly-acquired Woody Williams and Jason Jennings, there will be a platoon of young pitchers, one imagines, battling to shore up the rotation. While the pitching does not appear as strong as in years past, the offense may be its best since the loss of Jeff Kent and Carlos Beltran. Power-hitting Carlos Lee came over in free agency and should provide some serious protection for perennial MVP candidate Lance Berkman. Chris Burke and Luke Scott get their first opening day starts in the outfield, and while the Astros definitely lost some speed and all-star caliber defense when they traded Willie Taveras for Jennings, Burke should provide a much needed offensive boost.
The Astros will also need Morgan Ensberg to return to his 2005 form and hope to get more production from Craig Biggio, who batted below .200 after the all-star break last season. If they can get those players to add some more offense, as well as the always shaky Adam Everett and Brad Ausmus, the Astros should be able to contend for the NL Central title.
The cameras just showed a sign in the outfield sponsored (of course it is sponsored) by AT&T that will keep track of Craig Biggio’s pursuit of becoming the first Astro to get 3,000 hits. Biggio, starting in his 19th consecutive Opening Day (14 seasons at 2B), currently stands at 2,930, and many predict he should reach the milestone by late June or early July. Roy Oswalt starts the game for the Astros. It is the 5th consecutive Opening Day start for Oswalt, a feat equaled only by J.R. Richard, Mike Scott and Shane Reynolds.
Top of the 1st Inning
First pitch of the season for Oswalt is a ball. A rare walk for Oswalt to the Pirates’ lead-off man probably indicates that Roy, despite his fifth consecutive Opening Day start is a little affected by the adrenaline.
Burke fielded the first out of the game in a pop fly, but you can already see the drop-off from Taveras to Burke. Surely Burke will improve as the season continues, but he played that first ball rather poorly - a play Taveras would have made with ease
Oswalt seems to have found his groove, but having thrown 22 pitches in the first inning, I wonder if he will be able to go eight full, as he did on Opening Day last year.
Bottom of the 1st
Biggio leads off the game with a weak fly to first base. Oddly, the weak-hitting Everett is batting second tonight. Last season saw way too many pitchers coast through the bottom of the Astros’ order, so maybe Garner is trying to mix it up a bit. And Everett hits a soft pop to second base. Berkman grounds out to the left side of the infield to end the inning. Three up, three down. Hope that is not a sign of things to come this season.
Top of the 2nd Inning
Broadcaster Bill Brown has quoted a few pitching coaches around the league who stated that they felt the strike zone had gotten smaller over the spring and that people can expect even more home runs this season.
Burke goes to his left to field a soft drive from Bautista. He dives to make the catch but drops the ball as his glove hits the ground. He showed pretty good eyes and feet in making the jump, but it is a play that should have been made. The question about his play in center will probably center more around his decision making and familiarity with the position than his athletic ability, which is unquestioned.
Bottom of the 2nd
Carlos Lee hits a fly to deep left field that is caught on the warning track in front of the Crawford Boxes. Boy, that woulda been a nice way to start off your career in a new city.
Luke Scott gets the Astros first hit of the season but is thrown out by a mile as he tries to extend his hit into a double. That could be the theme for the 2007 Astros, “We can hit, but we can’t run.”
Top of the 3rd Inning
Pitcher Zach Duke leads off the 3rd with a single, followed by Oswalt retiring the next three batters in order.
Bottom of the 3rd
There’s the added offense the Astros were looking for when shipping Taveras to Colorado…Burke leads off the inning with a ground rule double and is the first Astro to reach second base in the 2007 campaign. Brad Ausmus pulls his best Craig Biggio and gets hit by a pitch to put men on first and second, but Oswalt fails to execute the sacrifice and Biggio hits into a 5-4-3 double play to end the third inning - an inauspicious beginning for Mr. 3000.
Top of the 4th Inning
Oswalt continues to pitch well. Retiring the side in order to make it six straight.
Bottom of the 4th
Lance Berkman snakes one up the middle for his first hit of the season. The Astros commentators seem to think that Berkman will probably be pitched as cautiously as ever, even though Lee is batting behind him. Lee hits into the Astros second double play in as many innings to end the inning. Do I see a pattern forming?
Top of the 5th
Workman-like performance from Oswalt - three up, three down.
Bottom of the 5th
After Morgan Ensberg reaches base with a single, Luke Scott picked up where he left off last season with the Astros first home run of the season. The fans rain down the “Luuuuke”s. Chris Burke follows with a knock off of the left-field wall scoreboard for the third straight Astros’ hit and his second double of the night. Looks like the two guys who got their first Opening Day career starts are right where they need to be. I have no idea why Burke is not leading off tonight, or every night, for that matter. Sticking him at the bottom of the line-up may give the order some more consistency, but you need your fastest player and a consistent offensive threat leading off. Of course, just as I write it, Burke gets thrown out trying to make it home as he challenges Duffy’s arm. Biggio with another unceremonious out. He stays at 2,930 to end the 5th.
Top of the 6th
After Chris Duffy singles, Ensberg makes what could be a costly error at third. His error allowed to Jack Wilson to reach, leaving Oswalt to face power hitting Jason Bay with no outs. Oswalt gets squeezed by the umpire on both his 0-2 and 1-2 pitch. Bay showing good patience with runners on. Ensberg makes up for his error by starting a 5-4-3 double play to get the first two outs.
Bottom of the 6th
Everett makes me look foolish with a double to left. And the Pirates proved the broadcasters right by pitching delicately to Lance Berkman, who walked. The Pirates apparently have a malfunctioning phone, as they send their ball boy running to the bullpen to alert them to get a pitcher warm. Carlos Lee hits a scorcher to second, but Castillo makes a diving grab and doubles up Everett. The Astros see another mounting rally aborted.
Top of the 7th
Another 1-2-3 for Roy O. Someone’s looking like he’s already in mid-season form.
Bottom of the 7th
Following a (what I assume must have been) painful ‘God Bless America’ - one of the worst sporting ramifications of the attacks on 9/11 - by Clay Walker, the Astros repay the favor by going in order. The attandance for the night has been announced at 43, 803, the largest in Opening Day fhistory at Minute Maid Park.
Top of the 8th
Nate McLouth (who?) ruins Oswalt’s shutout with a pinch-hit home run, the first allowed by the Astros since July of last year. Everett makes a fine play for the first out, and then uses good judgment in not attempting a throw on Jack Wilson’s infield single. Everett is the best defensive shortstop in baseball, and not only does he make spectacular plays, he uses good judgment in knowing when there is a play to be made. The infield hit, however, will take Oswalt out of the game after 95 pitches. The Wizard gave up 5 hits and 1 run over 8 2/3 innings. Dan Wheeler comes on in relief. After a hooking foul that probably had Oswalt nauseated in the dugout, Wheeler gets Bay to roll out weakly.
Bottom of the 8th
Hey, hey, hey. Look who got a hit. Biggio reaches out and slaps a ball to left field for his 23rd career Opening Day hit. I am sure the sports radio fanatics would have been out in full force tomorrow in Houston calling for a benching of Biggio had he gone hitless tonight.
Top of the 9th
In what might be the most nerve-wracking and imporant moment if the night, Brad Lidge enters the game. The once-amazing closer fell on hard times last year, with many people thinkng that the bomb he gave up to Albert Pujols in the 2005playoffs changed his career permanently. Lidge looked good against Adam LaRoche, getting him to strike out on three pitches. After a routine ground out for out #2, the worst possible scenario ocurred. Lidge gave up a home run to Xavier Nady, and out came the Booh Birds. That is the last possible thing Lidge and the Astros needed in this game. The Houston Astros 2007: Feel the Drama. Bautista follwowed the homer with a double and the boohs continued to cascade. Lidge then nibbled around the corners and walked the pinch hitter Doumit. Lidge then takes the next batter to a full count before Adam Everett makes an amazing play over his shoulder on a dead run ot left field. That catch may have saved the game, and Lidge’s therapist from a midnight phone call.
Bottom of the 9th
Carlos Lee could be a hero with a home run to end the game for his new team, but he skies an infield pop for the first out. And it loosk like one of those games, as both Ensberg and Scott line out to send it to extra innings.
Top of the 10th
After Duffy grounded out to start the inning, Wilson reached on another infield single. And then the levee broke. Bay hit a two-run home run off of reliever Chad Qualls. Astros fans must be sick. Not only may they potentially lose to the lowly Pirates to start the seaosn, but it is due to the choking of not one but two relievers. Many felt that if Lidge could not keep the closer’s job, that Qualls could step up to be The Man. Following this game, there will only be more question marks with regard to the pitching staff.
Bottom of the 10th
Salomon Torres comes on for the Pirates. The reliever appeared in 94 games for the Bucs last year. That is ridiculous. Torres gets the Astros in order and the Bucs get the win (their first in Houston since 2005) in heartbreaking fashion for Astros’ fans. Someone take away Brad Lidge’s (and many Astros’ fans) shoelaces. In good news, it’s a long, long season.
Or is that the bad news?
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The worst of the worst
The film critic aggregator RottenTomatoes.com has compiled its list of the 100 Worst-Reviewed Films in their site’s history, which seems to span about seven years. I am happy to say that I have not seen even two minutes of any of the movies listed here; although I know my dad can probably not say the same thing. I know for a fact he watched one of these films. On a plane. Where other people could see. For shame, Mr. Odam. For the rest of you, take a look, and see if you have anything of which to be ashamed.
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