Home
>
The M.O.
>
Archives
>
2007 > April > 30 > Entry
By Matthew Odam
| Monday, April 30, 2007, 11:59 PM
Following last week’s melodramatic episode (aren’t they all, though?), it seems that Andy has eliminated the tense drama from the house. Right? Of course not.
Tonight’s show begins with Andy preparing for his date the way I always prepared for dates during my time as a bachelor: dips and crunches off the side of my yacht. Textbook. The ladies arrive and join Andy on
his ABC’s boat for a day of fun in the sun.
Not so fast ladies, although Lt. Love Boat does spend a few minutes with the girls (once they’ve been divided up into two trios of blondes and brunettes), ol’ Salty Dog goes to her bag of tricks and, after spotting two kayaks, pulls Andy into the water for some frivolity. Never has one person seemed so desperate on television. Although I hear Joey Fatone has been doing wonders for his career on “Dancing With the Stars.”
The girls sit and seethe on the yacht, seemingly still not grasping that, while loathsome, Salty Dog seems to be the only one willing to really engage in the show as a competition. It seems impossible at this point, not only in the show, but in the climate and “evolution” of reality television over the past 10 years, that anyone would suffer illusions of what’s really going on here. Listening to the women moan and complain about the very structure in which they have volunteered themselves seems mind-bendingly baffling. It’s as if they have somehow come to believe that this fuzzy world of yachts and roses is the norm and the slight they feel when someone like Salty Dog takes some initiative to compete equates her to a hussy flirting with their boyfriend at a bar.
Back at the house, Andy decides to take Stephanie (“LDP” — Lack of Discernable Personality) on a one-on-one date. While the other five women pout about his decision, Salty Dog chief among them, they fail to recognize that Andy’s decision to take a woman for some one-on-one time is his opportunity to decide whether he has genuine feelings for the girl. It is not a Good Thing. It’s not because he likes her more. It’s not because she is special; it’s because at this point in the show he
doesn’t think she is. Remember when the others got the special date? Recognize a formula? Look girls, none of you is his girlfriend. And he’s not going to propose to someone in the middle of the show. Sit at the house, eat chocolate and chillax.
Sure enough, Andy confirms my suspicions as he tells the camera that the reason he has asked LDP on the date is to try and find out something (anything!) about her. Their date takes them to a wine bar, where they concoct a wine that is a perfect blend of the two of them. A little bit of LDP, a little bit of Andy, a few predictable clichés and an activity to keep them occupied from their inevitable stumble thru awkwardness. And a lot of vomit. My vomit.
The two blend what I imagine must have been a noxious combination of various wines and then use paint and paper (and seemingly no creativity) to design a label. Watching the two slop around like drunk 8-year-olds in the hand-paint comes off like some pathetic and unromantic facsimile of “Ghost.” And that movie was not very romantic to begin with. After their Jackson Pollock moment at the wine bar, Andy attempts to probe to the inner-LDP. When asked about her dreams and ambitions, LDP can only reply that she has many dreams. What are they? Well, seeing as how I don’t speak the language of shrugs and huhs, I couldn’t really tell you. We’ve watched scene after scene of Andy attempting to extract personalities from these
belli corpi always ultimately feeding us that reality-tv brand of delight-in-disappointment and anticipated failure we need. He casts her line after line hoping he’ll snag something, anything. “Tell me your dreams,” he begs. She shrugs. Buzzer! For the record, Andy would have accepted A.) To be a____(insert any career), B.) To one day accomplish____(insert any goal) or C.) Anything about Anything. “This is the end, beautiful friend. And he walked on down the hall.”
As Tessa (“Winnie Cooper”) discovers that she will be getting the special date with Andy, Salty Dog drops the bomb of the season when she laments over the fact that she will seemingly not have the opportunity to tell Andy that she is a divorcee. This is the same girl who has begged for the man’s attention at every turn, spending more alone time with him than any other contestant, and she hasn’t had time to tell Mr. All America that she is a 28-year-old divorcee? I know divulging such sensitive information on television can be tough, and I’ve got no problem with divorce. Hell, I was married four times before I got out of high school. But to hide such a large personal fact for weeks from someone in whom you are deeply interested (allegedly)…well, let’s just say my estimation of Salty Dog just dropped a little. Make room, Ceausescu.
Sensing her competition increasing, and verging on her fifth (give or take) psychotic meltdown of the season, Salty Dog is slipping down that slope paved with slashed tires and neurotic 3 a.m. voice-mail messages. She approaches Amber (“Beaches”) and expresses her complete shock and dismay at having to compete with a 23-year-old for Andy’s affections. She does not understand how someone with such little life experience (read: having never been married, apparently) can be vying for her man’s heart. Apparently Salty Dog feels that the sagacity that comes with being a ripe old 28 cannot even be approached by someone of Beaches’ age. This brings out the defensive side in Beaches, who tells Salty Dog that she is, “way more mature than any 23-year-old ever!” Do not attempt to hold your weak candles to the ever-burning flame of Beaches, Joan of Arc, Anne Frank and Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty.
Ah our 20s, the decade of complete self-absorption and rampant narcissism.
For their group date, Andy takes Beaches, Tina (“Overachiever”), Salty Dog and Danielle (“Crude Attempts”) to a playground that needs revitalizing. Capt. Heartthrob says that there is no better way to get a feel for a woman’s sense of family and community than by having them paint a school yard. Of course, at this point, Andy could fly them all to a remote village in Africa and offer them some Kool-Aid and they would claw each other’s eyes out over who got to lick the stirring spoon. Salty Dog speaks to exactly that point when she states, “We’re all here for Andy. And that will
never change!” Um…Andy, if you have a pet rabbit, I suggest you lock it up tight, my friend.
While the women perform their paint-by-numbers reclamation project and try and out-sensitive one another, Overachiever acknowledges that, having seen Andy play with kids on a playground for 15 minutes, he is definitely ready for a marriage and will be a great father. Andy amusingly admits that he is surprised that Salty Dog was good with the kids. Obviously she outperformed his low expectations of her. Then again, Andy didn’t see her in the corner of the schoolyard beating up one 5 year-old for “making eyes at Andy” and lecturing two more on the dangers of getting married too early.
Meanwhile, Winnie Cooper prepares at home for what is billed as the greatest (most overly-hyped) date (set-up) in the history of the world (this episode). Andy arrives and presents her with $2 million in diamonds. To unnecessarily heighten the already nerve-strained, nail-diminishing tension in the house, he does so in front of the other women. Salty Dog’s head spins around five times; Father Damian Karras shows up; and Winnie and
Kevin Arnold Andy head out for their “Pretty Woman” date.
Andy takes Winnie to get fitted for a Nicole dress, and Larry Miller does his best to see that she looks magnificent in a red gown. The couple has dinner and drinks, with Winnie playing hard to get (didn’t she always) while Andy tries to ascertain whether she’s really “that into him.” Apparently, playing the aloof card has served Winnie well as Andy admits that she’s become very special to him. Yea, like at least in the Top 3, I’d say.
Linda Blair Salty Dog, meanwhile, foams at the mouth and tells the camera that she is going to “seriously freak out” if Andy chooses Winnie over her. For his sake, I hope Andy gets to see some of this footage before making his final decision.
With the date behind him, Andy is left to suffer through what has quickly become my favorite part of the show — the woman all jockeying for position at the eleventh hour. Amber whinnies like the friend of Andy’s kid sister who has snuck up to his room during a pajama party. Bevin admits that she will remember this experience forever (yea, cause it’s the only time you’ll ever be on television, dear), and Andy admits their electricity is palpable (watch out, sailor, that’s what husband #1 said, too, I bet). Electricity like the shock and suspense of what someone’s chemical imbalance will drive them to do next. Tina, the only contestant to continually engage Andy with thoughtful questions, tells him she can’t wait for him to meet her mom, who is “me, amplified by however much,” which I guess would make her Judge Judy. Winnie Cooper still wrestles with the fact that the whole experience is so “not her” (look, the hard-to-get bit is tiring). Crude Attempts gets by with a little help from her friends (which she has on display with her dress), and LDP rehashes how much fun the two had on their crafts-n’-booze date.
The host tells Andy that the witching hour is upon them, and Andy, with no sense of sarcasm or irony, confesses that, although he is a Navy lieutenant who has competed in Ironman triathlons, this decision is the hardest thing he’s ever had to do in his life. Maybe I should take up swimming and running marathons. How hard could it be? Not surprisingly, Andy sends Overachiever packing back to medical school and LDP home to Uncle Henry and Auntie Em for some thoughtful analysis about why she could not open up.
Next week promises some very interesting dynamics, as Andy travels with each of the remaining four ladies to meet their families. Apparently, Salty Dog will finally come clean about the divorce, and it looks like Beaches’ family pulls a no-show. Ouch.
I will now sit patiently and see if my family similarly disowns me for spending 1500 words on a reality television show recap.
“Miss” any of the previous episodes? Check out my recaps here:
Episode #4 |
Episode #3 |
Episode #2
Thanks, as always, to Tami for her help with jokes.
Permalink
| Comments (4)
|
Categories:
Television
Comments
Austinites love to be heard, and we're giving you a bullhorn. We just ask that you keep things civil. Leave out the personal attacks. Do not use profanity, ethnic or racial slurs, or take shots at anyone's sexual orientation or religion. If you can't be nice, we reserve the right to remove your material and ban users who violate our Visitor's agreement. Click here to report comment abuse.
By Guilty pleasure
May 1, 2007 1:49 AM | Link to this
lol!
By Forehead
May 1, 2007 3:26 PM | Link to this
That vibe don’t need to be checked, it just needs to head straight to a lemon party.
By FBA
May 2, 2007 10:58 AM | Link to this
1.Your resiliency in continuing to post about bachelor is impressive; akin to that of a POW. The deeper and darker the hole, the stronger you have become. 2.The only redeeming quality of the tech burger wars is that pale dale likes huts and they rated it dead last. Ski shores above crown and anchor? Ski shores is a ghetto mart playing to a captive audience… silly techies.
By alison c.
May 3, 2007 8:07 PM | Link to this
it’s just so creepy.