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2007 > April > 17 > Entry
By Matthew Odam
| Tuesday, April 17, 2007, 12:20 AM
In the introduction to Monday’s show we learn that “the ladies get down and dirty with The Bachelor” (sigh). What better than some hackneyed innuendo to get the show revving (apparently they are mud wrestling and racing cars).
The ladies’ idyllic morning of sleeping off hangovers is interrupted by the booming bark of a “big bad drill sergeant.”
Sgt. Meany Pants welcomes the ladies to “boot camp” and growls the timeless adage, “Life sucks and then you die.” He orders the ladies to line up outside.
Nicole (“Ole Smokey”), who doesn’t seem to remember (again) that this is a television show competition, “wisely” chooses to ignore orders and applies makeup and moisturizer prior to joining the lineup. Sgt. Meany Pants has the ladies sound off and puts them through basic drills.
“Tweedle Dumb” (Erin) bemoans the fact that this is the second day in a row in which she will have to physically exert herself. Apparently “Tweedle Dumb” did not take “Officer and Gentleman” to indicate a health-conscious serviceman, and, besides, everyone knows the only time “Tweedle Dumb” runs is when Uncle Randy comes over.
It becomes evident that
Bevin (“Salty Dog”) had her Wheaties (and Kool-Aid) this morning, as she shows the desire to compete with the conviction of a brain-washed cult recruit. Seconds into the obstacle course, she falls and injures herself. Everyone tight-lips a grin. The minor pain brings her to the point of salty dog tears as she rolls around on the ground, holding her leg and howling. Sgt. Stethoscope bounds to the rescue! Andy offers a rose to “the fallen soldier” - a crass producer-fed line that unintentionally does a disservice to every enlisted member of the military. Andy diagnoses “Salty Dog,” who says she’s broken her ankle before, with a “displaced fracture” (which can often be misdiagnosed as whoa-is-me-itis). The arrival of an ambulance makes the situation very real for the girls (also surely making the editors giddy for their predictable teaser clips) and whisks “Salty Dog” away to the hospital with Andy in tow.
Back at the house,
Tessa (“Winnie Cooper”) states that all of the girls were a little worried about Bevin as she attempts to stifle a laugh. Chris (the host) enters the living room to inform the girls that Salty’s ankle is not broken. Meaning not only was “Salty Dog” pulling her best chicken little routine, but apparently Andy wouldn’t know a “displaced fracture” if it had on 2 pounds of makeup and bit him in the face. The girls laugh knowingly at this revelation. Five of the girls then go on their next group date.
As they arrive at Club Mud (no, seriously, that’s the name of the spa), Andy regurgitates yet another tired line from the producer, telling the women, “I like women who can get down and dirty.” (Do you kiss your Scout master with that mouth, Andy?) As the sextet slithers in the slop,
Stephanie T. (“Eyebrows”) does her best to soak up all of Andy’s attention.
Tina’s (“Over Achiever”) voice over admits she’s feeling uncomfortable competing for Andy’s affection, as we see her awkwardly standing feet away from the party, sadly rubbing herself down with red clay. She seems to be affecting an air that she’s too good to compete for a man (but not too good to go online, fill out an application form, make a video, fly to L.A. for an arduous interview process, go on television and live with a bunch of strangers to compete for a man). After wallowing in the mud,
Stephanie W. (“L.D.P.” - Lack of Discernible Personality) wins the q.t. date, driving “Eyebrows” mad with jealously. Apparently “Eyebrows” doesn’t understand the nature of the contest and that Andy must attempt to get to know each of the women to make decisions. Little decisions such as, “Who am I going to spend the rest of my life with?” (She also probably doesn’t understand math or monogamy, but that’s another reality show).
On the second group date, the race is on for Andy’s heart, as
Kate (“Shut Up”), Danielle (“Crude Attempts”), “Tweedle Dumb” and
Amanda (“Silent Treatment”) head to the race track. In a bit of one-on-one time, Andy comments that “Tweedle Dumb” might look like a Barbie doll, but she knows how to do manly things (why a Marine is looking for a woman with manly qualities - well, that’s another reality show, too). “Crude Attempts” uses her alone time to play Debbie Downer to a backdrop of acoustic guitar and reminisces about her dead friend.
Despite finishing the race with the worst time, due to her inexperience with a stick, “Tweedle Dumb” wins some quality time with Andy, proving that the competition had more to do with “T & A” than “RPM.” During their alone time, Andy professes “I want to get to the inner side of you.” This proclamation leaves “Tweedle Dumb” looking terrified at the prospect of having to quickly invent herself. Her inability to materialize her proverbial turtle out of its proverbial shell befuddles Sgt. Smoothy, who seems dumbfounded at “Tweedle Dumb’s” helplessness in grasping the very simple nature of this competition. (Look, “Tweedle Dumb,” this isn’t a honky-tonk or a gun range. You are going to have to try and rub two brain cells together if you want to get the man this time).
With the two group dates over, the stage is set for
Peyton (“Big Sis”) and “Winnie Cooper” to battle it out. On a battleship. The two travel with Andy to an aircraft carrier where he gives them a tour of his home-away-from-home and documents his daily regimen, at one point imitating a slack-jawed line cook in the commissary as a real-life cook stares in angered disbelief at Private Pretty Boy. The trio moves to the sick bay for some doctor role-play. With cocktails. And two women. And a television crew. Awkward. The group then suffers through dinner on the deck as a solitary rose looms large over the wooden proceedings. Each girl gets one last chance to ensnare The Bachelor during the final few minutes alone with him.
“Big Sis” gushes that the couple is “absolutely perfect” for each other. (Nothing better portends a happy and healthy future together like making grandiose and saccharine speculations of one another’s perfections). “Winnie Cooper,” on the other hand, (and I can’t believe I’m actually saying this) seems to have a genuine moment with The Bachelor and expresses her interest in wanting to get to know him better. (Don’t mess this one up Kevin, er, Andy.) A helicopter swoops in to escort Andy and his chosen one away, and in the biggest “Oh, no he didn’t” moment of this season’s show, Andy actually begins to cry. It was probably just the wind. And the booze.
The sobbing soldier informs the women that “Winnie Cooper” will be flying home with him. Meanwhile, “Big Sis” is thrown overboard and forced to swim back to Tennessee. Not really. But that would be awesome. With sharks in the water. And a rumor of buried treasure. (Psssst, hey, producers, call me.) A tearful “Big Sis” vows to move forward with her life, saying “I’m definitely going to find the man of my dreams … (on FOX).”
Having rid himself of “Big Sis,” it was time for the Love Boat to scrape off a couple more barnacles. As is their weekly want, the contestants all make their final pitch. “Silent Treatment” bails on the competition, seemingly not understanding that her physical connection with Andy will not be enough; “Shut Up” attempts to prove to Andy that she’s not a crazy sorority girl but is left wondering what she can do to prove this short of rescuing an orphan from a fire; the two Stephanie’s engage in a ludicrous game of “one of these things is not like the other” (as Andy makes the hyper-astute observation that two women can share the same name and still be very different); and “Salty Dog” pouts her way into a kiss and makes the embarrassing proclamation that this is the best experience she has ever had.
The politicking done, it’s heartbreak time. Andy offers a rose to each of the following: Amber (shrugs all around); “Crude Attempts” (who’s shown an uncanny ability to go from sobby to silly in 4.5 seconds); “L.D.P”. (visible gulp from “Eyebrows”); “Over Achiever” (who seems to be using her brain to stay in the fight); “Shut Up” (who classily admits that Andy “scared the crap” out of her), “Ole Smokey” (who was waiting with labored breath); and “Eyebrows” (who seems a bit humbled but still gross).
Tonight, we say goodbye to “Silent Treatment,” who proves that being quiet and pretty is not enough, and “Tweedle Dumb,” who will get back to Louisiana with some nice padding for her résumé for the Miss De Soto Parish Azalea Pageant.
Previews for next week’s episode promise a nasty and melodramatic scene as the party moves to Lake Tahoe while tonight’s show closes with a shot of “Shut Up” attempting to open a bottle of champagne with a corkscrew and “Tweedle Dumb” imploring her “not to pop it in my face.”
See you next week ladies.
Did you “miss” the last episode? Check out the recap here.
(A special word of thanks to my favorite ‘bachelorette’ for allowing me to use her brilliant mind for all of the recaps.)
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By sam
April 17, 2007 11:41 AM | Link to this
I like how those girls want to go out with that gay guy. Teevee is funny.