Home > The M.O. > Archives > 2007 > April > 09 > Entry
‘The Bachelor’ recap
Before tonight I had never seen an episode of ABC’s hit realty show, so I did not know much going in. Sure, I understood the basic principle: a hunky bachelor with a pearly white smile and not too terribly much in the way of personality is courted by a bevy of 20-something women with equivalent traits. But I was left with quite a few questions.
Does this dude really expect to find true love under the glare of the national television spotlight? Do these women expect to be able to maintain any sense of dignity (if they had any to being with) and out-battle their fellow contestants for the privilege of a made-for-tv romance? Are all parties involved really looking for true love or is this a feeble quest for fame and the attention of adoring viewers and snide bloggers such as myself? Will I surprise myself and find these attention whores quite redeemable and intriguing? Do any of these questions really matter? Of course not. Now, on to the train wreck/freak show that is “The Bachelor,” episode #2. (And, to answer the unasked question, I missed the premiere, as there was this little basketball game on television last Monday. Priorities, folks. I think I’ll probably be able to catch up.)
The tease for tonight’s show indicates that we are in for a healthy dose of everyone hating on Stephanie along with a couple of group dates that will find the women vying for Lieutenant Lovesick’s affections.
Our Bachelor, Andy, kicks off the battle royal, as he exclaims, “Let Operation: Soul Mate begin!” No better way to find your soul mate than thru a good old fashioned cage match. On national television. Somewhere Cupid has turned his bow & arrow on himself.
The first group date starts with champagne in the middle of the day. As the gals are chauffeured down the Sunset Strip, one of the contestants vacuously remarks about Mel’s Diner, “This place is famous!” A perfect testament to the fact that many of these vapid bags find value only in that which they are told is important.
Tessa cleverly decides to stand out by faking an injury, which seemed like a good idea. But if she really wanted to take the bull by the horns, she should have committed to the injury/joke rather than immediately bailing with an “I’m OK,” as soon as she got his attention. Chevy Chase would not approve.
So everyone fell off but Danielle (I think), about whom Andy remarked “she’s unbelievable!” and chose her for the date. Not sure if all gals were aware the bull ride was an actual competition for the date and not just a fun-for-Andy/male viewer rating escalator and really pervy diversion.
The girls then were whisked away to a hotel suite with a bunch of evening gowns to try on; Tiffany (“Dead Eyes”) commented excitedly that she had never had a date “take her to a room full of dresses before.” Well, guess what, Dead Eyes (“Tiffany”), here’s one for the diary, you have now had a production company take you to a room full of dresses.
The girls chit chat and obsess over kissing strategies for first dates in an effort to get a feel for how others will play and how they should proceed with their own maneuverings. During some one-on-one time with Andy, Alexis discusses her home-schooling and pompously/naively reveals that she didn’t miss having a traditional education because she didn’t “need to learn my morals from 13-year olds.” She also, not surprisingly, admits to being “very old fashioned.” Yea, like “Little House on the Prairie” old-fashioned.
When asked by Alexis (“Laura Ingalls”) to describe his morals, Andy says he’s “conservative but open minded” (read: I’m against gay marriage but I’d watch two chicks make out).
While the gals jockey for Andy’s time, Bevin (“Salty Dog”) gets more and more frustrated (and more and more drunk on martinis). The graphic says she’s 28; yea, 28 ten year ago.
Sensing Salty Dog’s (“Bevin’s) patience at its limit, Andy decides to pull her into the pool for some QT. As she makes her way from the hot tub into the pool, we see that Salty Dog (“Bevin”) has the tattoo daily double: a Chinese character on her shoulder and a tramp stamp.
Erin, the financial analyst from Dallas, babbles on about something I can’t follow because I keep getting distracted by the fact that she reminds me of a grown-up JonBenet Ramsay with a pill habit.
Andy decides to pick Tiffany for alone time due to the fact that she was shy. On the drive up to a look out point the pair’s conversation meanders from a discussion about how hilly the drive is to talking about the fact that they’re “going up a lot of hills.” When the extremely “shy” Tiffany asks Andy why he picked her he replies, “You have a lot of depth but I could not see your true colors.” Andy then peppers Tiffany with questions in an attempt to get to know her better. The tight-lipped tiffany offers little in the way of response, wearing on the thin and confused patience of an already drunk Andy. This leaves Lt. Loquacious to confess that he had to “drive the conversation.” Drive it right over a cliff. Into a sea. Full of booze.
The absurd athletic event ends with a slow mo shot (ala “Chariots of Fire”) of the photo finish between Amber and Danielle. Amber’s victory is rewarded with some brief alone time on the beach with Andy in which we learn that she’s great at cooking and he’s great at doing dishes. Andy smiles and begins to say “then you can cook and I’ll do the dishes” but catches himself before making such a tragic faux pax on national television.
With the two group dates out of the way, the self assured Stephanie (“Eyebrows”) prepares for the first one-on-one date. The abbreviated date at sea includes an obligatory “Titanic” bit, Andy giggling like Scooby Doo, the show’s first lip kiss and, of course, HOT TUBS-n-BOOZE! Back at the house the harpies play the “What bothers me the most about the girl on the date” game while swilling margaritas. With a nod to his perspicacity (and some clever editing) the Bachelor asks Stephanie how she is holding up to criticism back at the house. Stephanie sagely responds “some girls try to give me animosity” but reassures Andy that “not a lot of girls can throw at me what hasn’t already been thrown at me.” From the mouths of babes (or bar whores with a track record of stealing bff’s boyfriends).
Stephanie returns home to find a few girls waiting on the stairs who quickly return to bed dejected after seeing her with the coveted rose. The evening concludes with the courtesans gossiping like diet coke-amped high school girls and Stephanie doing her best Mistress of Disinformation routine.
With the second rose ceremony rapidly approaching, the girls make last-minute moves to plea their case, with Over Achiever (“Tina”) admitting that she is perhaps too ambitious and Peyton (“Big Sis”) explaining the passion that she has for her work. Remember, she’s a sorority recruiter. Meanwhile, Laura Ingalls (“Alexis”) has been potentially outed as a virgin: “It (sexuality) is something I will share with the guy I am dating not a group of strangers,” but maybe the nation, apparently. Andy seems conflicted by his pending decision, stating “I’m a healer. Instilling pain doesn’t go well with my heart or mind.”
In the rose ceremony, Dead Eyes (“Tiffany”) sees her dream end as did Susan, one half of the Dimwitted Duo. How Andy differentiated between her and Erin is beyond me. And, in maybe the most surprising move of the night, Lt. Landshark also gives Laura Ingalls “Alexis”) the green light to run home to Pa.
In a true move of benevolence by the production company, the credits roll as we see footage of four of the dumbest of the ladies trying to figure out the math behind the rose ceremony. God bless you, ABC.
Next week promises an overreaction that leads to a 911 call, mud fights, and a humiliating boot camp experience — good fodder for any second date, really.
Permalink | Comments (6) | Post your comment | Categories: Television
Comments
By guilty pleasure
April 10, 2007 12:09 PM | Link to this
Oh snap!
By Sammy
April 10, 2007 12:10 PM | Link to this
His outty gives me pause.
By sas
April 10, 2007 4:14 PM | Link to this
Brilliant.
By Matthew Rampage
April 11, 2007 3:45 PM | Link to this
Excellent post, hilarious assesment of a vapid show that may or may not be a sign of the apocalypse.
By Jooley Ann
April 11, 2007 7:54 PM | Link to this
What a fun read. And I don’t even have to watch the show! Bonus!
By carrie
April 12, 2007 3:40 PM | Link to this
way more fun than actually watching the show! thanks!