Home > The M.O. > Archives > 2007 > February > 16 > Entry
My Funny Valentine
So, I know it’s been a few days since Valentine’s Day, and I am a little late with this post, but give me a break. My fingers just now thawed out following the horse-drawn carriage ride around downtown. (No, not really.)
I, like most of my friends, see Valentine’s Day as a cute little conspiracy by chocolatiers and greeting card companies, as well as restaurants, vineyards, diamond wholesalers and the like, to get people to spend money in an attempt to be overtly romantic for one day of the year. Yeah, I’m jaded and cynical like the rest of you, and I do spend the other 364 days of the year trying to be a romantic, sensitive boyfriend, but let’s face it, whether it’s cooking a nice meal at home, going out to a restaurant, or standing below your beloved’s window doing your best Lloyd Dobler while blaring Peter Gabriel, you’d better do something unless you wanna be boyfriend-non-grata.
With that in mind, my girlfriend and I made reservations for a nice dinner Wednesday night. Nothing over the top (see: Hudson’s on the Bend), just a nice meal at a restaurant we both enjoy. I will refrain from naming the restaurant here, because, as you will read, I thought the experience was rather lame, and I don’t really want to call out this establishment for dropping the ball. The point is, on nights such as these, balls will be dropped.
We arrived for our 8:15 p.m. reservation (we were told to be on time, as we would only have the table for two hours) with punctuality usually reserved for, well, who knows? We’re never on time for anything. We were still forced to wait for 20 minutes at the cramped “bar” area of the restaurant while the preceding couples finished their meals. Once seated, we discovered the soups/salads portion of the fixed menu had been altered with Magic Marker, leaving us with only one salad choice and no soup. No soup. In the winter. The salad consisted of wilted spinach and one meager slice of apple. Let’s just say it was better on paper.
We chose the fried oysters and grilled figs for our two appetizers. The oysters came out cold and the figs were rather desperate, needing a bit of caramelized something, or some nuts, to give it a more robust flavor. This is what happens when you order from a set menu at a mid-scale restaurant: Often the food comes out banquet/buffet-style, meaning it will likely not be hot off the grill. For entrees, we chose the trout and the beef tenderloin. The trout was lukewarm and lacked any significant flavor, while the meat, although a rather modest portion, was the culinary highlight of the night. When it came time for dessert, we were told that only one of the three fixed offerings was still available, so we were made to choose from the regular menu. This is like calling a pitcher out of the bullpen without time for him to get warm. The crème brûlèe from the menu was a disaster; either they used the wrong sugar, or had let it sit in the refrigerator too long or something, because the consistency was far from silky.
To make matters worse, the meal took about two hours to serve, which, when enduring a mediocre meal, is not a bonus. We just wanted to get out of there so we could go home and eat some peanut butter fudge from Whole Foods. In our waiter’s defense, he was affable and put up with our bad jokes without a sigh. Like I said, I don’t want to call this restaurant out (but its name rhymes with “Marz”). It is really the first bad meal I have had there. But for $175 (not including booze — see, it really does pay to be a teetotaler), one would expect more. If nothing else, to be full by the end of the night. Alas, Valentine’s Day does not seem to be the best night for dining out, with both front and back of house scrambling to get as many overpriced meals out as possible.
In fact, the highlight of the night had nothing to do with the food or ambience and more to do with eavesdropping. We heard the college-aged couple next to use discussing how they wanted to see some Valentine’s Day drama, a spat between two lovers. Always in the mood for exhibitionism and jokes, a few minutes later we gave the kids what they wanted. As my girlfriend excused herself to go to the restroom she raised her voice at me, asking me why I would dare say such a thing and threatening to leave. We continued our verbal spat as she disappeared for the ladies’ room. Thanks to the wonders of peripheral vision, I saw the young lovers, enduring a rather boring meal to this point, exchange wide-eyed smiles and guffaws. I couldn’t help myself and later let them know we were in on the joke. You can bring us cold appetizers, seat us next to an obnoxious blonde and serve us thick, pasty crème brûlèe, but you’ll never take the jokes away.
I think next year I’ll just don an Anthony Bourdain mask and cook a romantic meal in my boxers and apron. Take that, DeBeers.
Permalink | Comments (4) | Categories: Personal
Comments
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By Sammy
February 16, 2007 5:55 PM | Link to this
Alert: Rose says Mars is the breakup restaurant and has many stories to prove it. I have been blissfully unaware.
XO!!!
By Chris
February 17, 2007 7:57 AM | Link to this
As an old married couple, my wife and I have long since given up on the V-Day scene. With a rugrat in our lives for the first time the incentive to stay home was even greater. We got some takeout from Firebowl Cafe and watched “Snakes on a Plane.” In comparison to your experience, I’m thinking it was actually a great Valentine’s day.
By Bre
February 19, 2007 9:34 AM | Link to this
Sorry to hear that the meal was so disappointing (and frickin’ expensive!). I’m telling you, cooking for your ladyfriend is the way to her heart. I recommend a couple of beef filets and a nice bottle of red. Oh God, I’m salivating.
By John Shaft
February 19, 2007 11:48 AM | Link to this
I had a similarly awful experience at a restaurant that rhymes with “Marz” on New Years’ Eve once. Same story: waited for a table despite being told how important it was to be on time, a time limit on the seating, and a set menu that had run out of a significant number of options, even though we were dining at the second of three seatings for the evening. Then to get a $150+ bill in the end was a real kick in the balls. Haven’t been back since.