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April 24, 2009
When grandma feels ignored
I thought my parents had a great relationship with my children. They live in California, but we see them twice a year for five to seven days at a time. The kids talk to them on the phone when they feel like it, usually a couple of times a month. We talk about Grandma and Grandpa all the time.
Imagine my surprise when my mom said she didn’t feel like she had a relationship with my kids. I think she wants more conversations, more contact initiated by them.
I think she has unrealistic expectations. I think she’s forgotten what 5- and 8-year-olds are like. They are fickle. I can understand that she might get hurt that they don’t always want to talk to her, but I’ve always made it my policy to let that relationship develop naturally. Most of the time, they’re ripping the phone out of my hands to talk to her, but sometimes they just want to be left alone.
I know she’d like thank-you notes for presents, but sometimes, the phone call to them as the kids are opening the present has to be enough.
I know they’d like us to visit more often, but it’s $1,000 just in air fare, sometimes more for the four of us. And here’s the real rub: my parents fly for almost free because my dad retired from the airlines. So, while we can’t always get there, why aren’t they coming here more often?
And I think there’s an inherent jealousy of my children’s other grandmother who lives only an hour away and we see once a month.
What would you say to a mom who says she doesn’t feel close to her grandkids? How do you keep that relationship going, even across thousands of miles?
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